Blue Heelers, Season 8 (2001)

Jack:
Yeah, I told him he should set it in a cop shop manned by an aging Detective called PJ. Except give it a twist, make him gay. And then there's Jack. He's, ah, ruggedly handsome, quiet and determined. He'll be the real hero of the show.

PJ:
Yes, yes, and of course Jack will get the girl.

Jack:
Oh, PJ will get the boy!

Simon:
He's had it in for me since day one!

Tess:
And day one was what? Yesterday? Feels like ten years...

Tess:
If you don't pull him back up, then I'll charge you with...littering.

[Men pull Simon Barclay back onto the balcony.]

PJ:
Littering?

Tess:
It was the first thing I thought of.

Tom:
More paperwork, thankyou.

Jo:
Great, we'll be working even more weekends than we do now.

Tom:
We don't have to make a decision straight away. Why don't we just sit on it for a while and make a decision at a later date?

Tess:
Sure, Boss. Tomorrow's read-out, then.

Ben:
You convince the crooks to work a 12-hour day and I'll consider it.

Tess:
Tina Fulton is a hopeless mother, it's Hayley who's holding that family together.

Jack:
You're really gunning for her, aren't you?

Tess:
I'm not gunning for anybody.

Tess:
And this is police business, is it?

Tess:
So you don't know who attacked you?

Rollo:
I already told you, the mongrel hit me from behind, or else you'd be patching him up.

Tom:
If someone was going through the back streets of Mt. Thomas, assaulting innocent citizens, I think we'd have heard of it by now.

Tom:
Sergeant, is this the new "across the board" interviewing technique, or is it just reserved for the more deserving cases?

Tom:
I think it's time to break out the emergency rations.

Tess:
Do you have any of that chocolate left, Boss?

PJ:
Unbelievable! I just found out why my Mum hasn't been returning my phone calls.

Tess:
Is she alright?

PJ:
Oh yeah, she's fine. She's been having a dirty weekend with some guy that lives down the road.

Tess:
Yeah? Good on her!

PJ:
Tess, this is my mother we're talking about.

Tess:
So?

PJ:
So...mother's aren't supposed to do things like this. How would you feel if it was your mother?!

Falcon-Price:
I know you'll give him a typical Mt. Thomas welcome.

Jo:
Yeah! Strip search!

PJ:
You were a grave digger!

Jonesy:
Yeah. I mean, it's dirty work. But you meet a lot of people, they're mostly dead.

PJ:
At least they don't talk back.

Falcon-Price:
Well, it's a bit old fashioned.

Ben:
Tradition.

Jo:
Kind of like a working museum, really.

Tom:
But we like it that way, don't we, Parrish?

Tess:
I think we might have a few idiots drag racing.

Jonesy:
Oh, yeah. Done a bit of that too.

Tess:
What?!

Jonesy:
When I was young and stupid.

Ronnie:
You wouldn't of been able to get away with anything!

Jonesy:
You're telling me! Mum used to have Dad dust the biscuit tin for finger prints!

Jonesy:
Is it possible to get lost in Mt. Thomas?

Chris:
A few people manage to. Tom's been getting lost for years.

Jonesy:
Wish you'd call me Jonesy.

Tess:
Jo, you better do something about this statement of yours.

Jo:
No way! That is exactly what happened.

Tess:
No, I meant fix the typos. Price is spelt with an 'E' on the end, not a 'k'.

Jo:
Yes, well, once you know him it's the only way you can spell it.

Ben:
Well that's something you don't get to see every day...an Inspector up a tree.

Jonesy:
You right up there, sir? Would you like us to call the fire brigade for you...

Falcon-Price:
What are you doing here?

Jonesy:
Oh, we're on our way back from Frenchman's gully.

Ben:
We thought we'd just pop by and see if you needed any 'back-up'.

Falcon-Price:
I don't need any 'back-up'. I don't need anything from you.

Tom:
God help us it's not even midday.

Jonesy:
I don't know how you did it but you're a bloody genius. (Hands Jo a twenty dollar note)

Jo:
Thank-you!

Superintendent:
And what about you Inspector? You crashed a police car, fell out of a tree and got yourself abducted!

Tom:
Will this day ever end?

Tess:
No, I don't mind, Boss. I had a quiet night...sticking pins in my PJ doll.

Jo:
So, what do witches eat for breakfast? Toad in the hole with rea; toads, mutes on toast...

Jonesy:
Innocent young policemen.

Jo:
What a wanker...say that in Latin!

Jonesy:
Eye of newt and all things worse, avert the evil warlocks curse!

PJ:
Anything else you'd like to share with us, Constable?

Jonesy:
Yeah...I don't like brussell sprouts.

Suspect:
I gave you a swimming lesson.

Jo:
Yes, you did.

Jonesy:
Hey Jo, come join us!

Jo:
Sorry I can't, I have to study.

Jo:
This is a waste of time.

PJ:
Go get him, Jo-Jo.

Jonesy:
What do you mean, no sex while driving!? Are you so boring?

Falcon-Price':
I reckon you've only got a few minutes left of your fifteen minutes of fame.

Jonesy:
He viciously attacked Senior Constable Stewart's shin with a size 3 sneaker.

Tom:
I don't know about you people, but I've got a home to go to and a dog to feed.

Jonesy:
Is it that time already...

Tess:
Oh, Constable.

Jonesy:
You wouldn't want me to do it on over time, would you?

Tess:
Just as long as you do it.

Jonesy:
Is that an order?

Tess:
If it has to be.

Jonesy:
In that case, I obey.

Tess:
Didn't your mother ever tell you curiosity killed the cat?

Jonesy:
We never had a cat.

Squid:
This is crap.

PJ:
And you're full of it.

Jo:
Jonesy, can you give me a hand to lift this thing?

Jonesy:
Yeah...

PJ:
You don't want me? Joanna, I am deeply offended.

Jonesy:
PJ, can you blame her? I'll see you in the car.

PJ:
Alright, Schwarzneggar!

Tom:
Just my luck, first prize I've ever won and the prize is broken.

PJ:
Mate, you are going to have to stop destroying telephones.

Jo:
Look out! Reindeer Patrol, here we come!

Tom:
So what are your plans for tomorrow?

PJ:
Just another day.

Tom:
Get out of it. Don't you usually spend Christmas with your Mum?

PJ:
Yes, well, she's ahh...spending Christmas with her new ahh...What do you call it when they're that age?

Tom:
Ahh...lover?

PJ:
Well that was the word I was looking not to say. I mean, I don't even like the idea of my Mum having sex with my Dad!

Tom:
That's pathetic, PJ!

PJ:
This is a thousand times worse. I don't even want to think about it.

Tom:
Are you suggesting there should be some kind of sunset peclause on sex?

PJ:
Absolutely! I mean, if you're over 50 and my mother, you shouldn't be having sex. In fact, you shouldn't be having sex full stop...Present company excluded, of course.

Tess:
Hi.

Jonesy:
Merry Christmas.

Tess:
Yeah, you too.

Jonesy:
I didn't know what to bring, so...

Tess:
Anything's fine.

Jonesy:
So...I didn't bring anything.

Tess:
Oh! That's fine too.

Tess:
What are you looking for?

Jonesy:
Mistletoe.

Tess:
Get out!

Jonesy:
Merry Christmas!

Jo:
I can't believe it! I'm supposed to be drivin' to Frankstown now...I've even got my bathers on...

PJ:
Bathers?!

Jo:
Yeah, I was gonna go straight to the beach.

PJ:
If it keeps raining you won't need to go to the beach...You're wearing them now?

Jo:
Yeah, well, you didn't give me time to change!

PJ:
One piece or two? Academic interest, that's all!

Jo:
Yeah Right

Jo:
Why are you so cheerful all of a sudden, anyway?

PJ:
You, me, your bikini, the prospect of Mal Yates on toast! What's not to be cheerful about?

Jo:
I didn't say I was wearing a bikini.

Winifred:
More lemonade?

Jo:
Winifred, you're defeating the purpose of surveillance. How are we supposed to do this discretely if you keep popping over here every five minutes like a demented jack in the box!

Jonesy:
I reckon Mrs Yates is living in La La Land.

Ben:
Congratulations, engine off please. You've just won the idiot of the night award.

Brian:
You've got to help me. My brother's coming home for Christmas.

Jo:
Isn't that a good thing?

Brian:
My brother's coming home to murder me.

PJ:
Now you're talking.

Grace:
We're parrishoners, Tom, not pyromaniacs.

PJ:
Mal Yates is my Christmas present. He's the only one I'm likely to get. I want him.

Jonesy:
I think your sister's got a better chance of getting your car home unscratched then you do. And apart from that, I'll have to arrest you if you try to start it up.

Brian:
If the bastard wants to murder me, he can do it with a beer in my hand.

PJ:
Well go and drink it somewhere else. I'll tell you, I'll murder him if his brother doesn't.

Grace:
What did you talk about?

Tom:
This and that.

Grace:
Specifically which and what?

Ben:
Deodorant...what are you trying to tell me Jo?