Ren & Stimpy "Adult Party Cartoon"

Ren:
What a dump! I'm sorry Stimpy, but I'm just too damn tired tonight. I just gotta get some sleep. Bugger off okay?

Stimpy:
But, Ren.

Ren:
What is it now, Stimpy?

Stimpy:
I have needs.

Ren:
Oh, I don't give a rat's ass about your needs. [gets an idea] Oh, Stimpy! Close your eyes and pucker up.

Stimpy:
Joy!

Ren:
Oh, what I'm going to do to Stimpy. Oh yes, it's so good, look. Look, a rat's ass. Here it is!

Ren:
What did I just tell you?! Who's the pitcher, who's the catcher?!

Stimpy:
You're the pitcher, I'm the catcher! You're the pitcher, I'm the catcher! See? [points to a chalkboard indicating said terms]

Ren:
What do you think is the difference between boogers and goobers, Stimpinton?

Stimpy:
A stooge question, Renwick. Why don't we ask the greatest genius in the world.

Ren:
Who's that?

Stimpy:
Dr. Stupid. Who else?

[Ren changes the channel, showing Stimpy as Dr. Stupid.]

Dr. Stupid:
Today's question is, what is the difference between boogers and goobers? Actually, the difference is merely superficial. These are just two different words that both represent wet things. More specifically, wet things that come from inside your head.

Male V.O.:
Thank you, Dr. Stupid.

[The scene changes back to Ren and Stimpy in the spittoon.]

Ren:
[chuckles] Wet things that come from your... "HOELS". ["holes"]

Stimpy:
You MONSTER! How can you say... those horrible things... to ME?! [crying] You son of a bitch...!

Ren:
I'm sorry, Stimpy. I don't know why I do these things to you. I'm just a pig!

Stimpy:
[crying] Oh, you bastard!

Ren:
Please forgive me!

Stimpy:
Don't you touch me, you beast! "Forgive me". Words, empty words! That's all they are! No. Not this time! You've gone too far, this time, Ren! [crying]

Ren:
I know I'm insane, Stimpy. I know I can't control my vile urges! But this time, I'll do something about it! I'll seek help. I'll do it for you!

[Stimpy stops crying, and dramatically turns to Ren.]

Stimpy:
Don't do it for me. Don't do it for me! Do it... for YOURSELF!

Ren:
I'm a terrible person, doc. I'm mean to everybody and I'm especially mean to those who love me the most. I've got issues! But I'm not crazy or anything!

Dr. Mr. Horse:
Of course not, Mr. Hoek. Let's just calm down. It's perfectly normal to be nervous talking to a professional. Now relax and we'll see just how sick you really are, shall we?

Ren:
Okay.

Ren's Dad:
Son, did you mangle this poor frog?

Ren:
No.

Ren's Dad:
Look at me when I'm talking to you!

Frog:
You're not gonna kill me?

Ren:
Does it still hurt?

Frog:
Oh God yes! My every nerve is on fire!

Ren:
Have a wonderful life!

[Ren has told Dr. Mr. Horse what he did to Stimpy.]

Ren:
Well doc, I certainly feel better now that I've got that off of my chest. So what do you think is wrong with me?

Dr. Mr. Horse:
You want to know what's wrong with you. [Ren nods] Do you really want to know what's wrong with you? I'll tell you what's wrong with you. [punches Ren in the face] YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!

Ren:
Crazy?!

Dr. Mr. Horse:
That's right! You need to be locked up, away from decent, normal people! What kind of a lunatic are you!? You just walk up to strangers on the street and tell them "Hey mister, you wanna hear some sick stories of my twisted youth?"?!

Ren:
I don't understand! I came to you for help! I bared my soul to you! I told you all my darkest secrets! And now you tell me I'm crazy?! WHAT KIND OF A PSYCHOLOGIST ARE YOU?!

Dr. Mr. Horse:
Psychologist?! Are you nuts?! I'm a horse! You crazy son of a bitch! I'm gonna beat the living hell out of you!

Ren:
We made it, Stimpy! No more eating filthy socks out of garbage cans! No more destitute living! We've arrived! We're gonna be wheels! We'll be running the firehouse! Living high on the hog!

[Ren and Stimpy celebrate by dancing and playing flute music.]

Ren:
And all because the chief loves us!

Fire Chief:
Pals like to punch each other, right? [Stimpy nods and Ren shakes his head; the Fire Chief lets his stomach out onto the table, knocking their plates to the floor with a crash] Go ahead Eddie, give it your best shot!

Ren:
How many partners are there that are best friends, too? Right, partner?

[The fire chief is reminded of his older partners, and becomes emotional.]

Fire Chief:
[yelling] Screw you, Charlie! Screw you, Lucy! [sadly] Do you love me, Tommy? Tommy, do you love me?

Stimpy:
He loves you. Tommy loves you, Chief.

Fire Chief:
SHUT UP! I wanna hear it from Tommy's lips.

[Ren speaks in a strained voice as Stimpy moves his lips.]

Ren:
I... love... you...

Fire Chief:
Good!

[The fire chief is unable to flush his poop down the toilet.]

Fire Chief:
Yikes! Hey, fellas, get rid of this thing! My date's gonna be here any minute!

Stimpy:
Yes, sir! I'm on that.

[Stimpy starts plunging the toilet. The fire chief hears his date's car outside.]

Fire Chief:
Cripes, she's here!

[Stimpy plunges the toilet faster.]

Fire Chief:
Get rid of it quick, Eddie! You don't want to make me look bad in front of my date, do ya?!

[The fire chief hears the elevator coming up.]

Fire Chief:
Kill it! She's gettin' outta the elevator! Take care of it, Eddie, hurry up!

[Stimpy tries to plunge the toilet even harder. The fire chief hears the doorbell and panics.]

Fire Chief:
She's here! She's at the door! FLUSH IT, FLUSH IT! FLUSH IT, YOU IDIOT!

[Stimpy throws the plunger away and tries to flush the toilet, but it doesn't work either.]

Stimpy:
I can't! It doesn't wanna go!

Fire Chief:
Smash it down, asshole!

[Stimpy falls from the chain and falls flat on the toilet.]

Fire Chief:
DO SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING!!! SMASH IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!

[The fire chief frantically growls at Stimpy as he tries other methods to get rid of the poop, but it's no use. Just then, the chief's date knocks at the door and rings the doorbell, making him even more frantic.]

Fire Chief:
Get rid of it now, or I'll cut you down to 10 percent!

[Ren is horrified upon hearing this. The chief's date knocks on the door again.]

Fire Chief:
5 PERCENT!

[Ren starts panicking. The chief's date continues ringing the doorbell.]

Fire Chief:
2 PERCENT!!!

Ren:
[screams at Stimpy] Do something, you eediot, or we'll lose everything!

[Having no other choice, Stimpy pulls the poop out of the toilet with his hands.]

Ren:
Stimpy, how big is that thing?!

Stimpy:
It's bigger than a baby, Ren!

[Stimpy runs off with the poop.]

Fire Chief:
Atta boy, Tommy, go! Not the front door, you idiot! Use the fire escape! Go, go, go, go, go!

[The fire chief wakes up in the middle of the night.]

Fire Chief:
[screams; panicking] Circus midgets! They're everywhere! Pull 'em off me, daddy! I can't stand 'em! They're crawlin' on me! They're eatin' me alive! Aah, aah! Pull 'em off me!

Fire Chief:
I love you guys. You're fired.

Stimpy:
I'm not afraid of anything living. But when it comes to spooks, them spooks give me the heebie-jeebies!

Ren:
You eediot! You woke me up in the middle of a perfect dream!

Stimpy:
Don't you lay a hand on me. Not in my condition.

Ren:
Condition? What condition?

Stimpy:
I've been trying to figure out how to tell you!

Ren:
Tell me what?! Spit it out, man!

Stimpy:
I'm gonna have your... BABY!!!

Ren:
WHAAAAAT?! I'll take care of that!

[Ren finds a coat hanger and attempts to use it on Stimpy.]

Stimpy:
[screams] Don't you DARE put that nasty instrument in me!

Ren:
You said you used protection!

Stimpy:
I thought I was barren! You must have powerful seed! [crying] FORGIVE ME, REN!

Ren:
Get away from me! Sorceress! [turns away from Stimpy] Crap! Crap! Crap! We haven't had a job... in six years! What are we going to raise him on? KITTY LITTER?!

Stimpy:
Calm down, Ren.

Ren:
Calm down?! CALM DOWN?! YOU ASK ME TO CALM DOWN?! You're the one that's p-p-p... POISONED!

Stimpy:
Poisoned? Is that what you call it? That poison is our lovechild.

Ren:
Stimpy, there are millions of people watching you! Be decent!

Ren:
Make way for new life!