Bob's Burgers, Season 1

Bob:
Tina, you're on the grill.

Tina:
My crotch is itchy.

Gene & Louise:
Eww.

Bob:
Ok. Are you telling me as my daughter or as my grill cook?

Tina:
Umm... As...

Bob:
Because my grill cook would never tell me that.

Tina:
[Downcast] Oh.

Bob:
Also, my daughter should probably not say anything like that to me. Tell her, tell your mom.

Tina:
[Turns to Linda] My crotch is itchy.

Louise:
Hello and welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the "child molester"-it comes with candy.

Linda:
No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas.

Louise:
I hope they're using protection because I am not taking care of that baby.

Gene:
My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during Prohibition-so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine.

Randy:
Little girl, do you think cows should be ground up for food?

Louise:
Only if they commit adultery.

Tina:
Frowny face? All I've been is super nice to you and this is the thanks I get? I loved you, I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal. You know what, let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that, but it's true.

Louise:
So you're not going to get revenge today?

Bob:
No, Louise, I'm not.

Louise:
OK, got it. [Slyly] Then I won't bring your credit card... which I cut into a ninja star!

Bob:
Oh, you cut my credit card?

Louise:
Into a ninja star!

Louise:
[rehearsing] Red leather, yellow leather. Red leather, yellow leather.

Tina:
Are you talking to me?

Louise:
[angry] I'M WARMING UP MY INSTRUMENT! Unbelievable !

Tina:
Um, I'm sorr... UUUHHHH..

Louise:
Hey, I'm sorry. It's pre-show nerves. Come here. Hug for luck.

[Tina moves to hug Louise]

Louise:
YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT! YOU DON'T HUG FOR LUCK IN THE THEATRE!

Tina:
Aahh...

Louise:
Sush, sush. I'm sorry baby. Sush, I didn't mean it baby. You know how I get before a big show, baby. You know how I get... GET OFFA ME! YOU'RE SMUDGING MY MAKE-UP!

Tina:
Uuhh...

Louise:
YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE WITH THIS MAKE-UP ALL SMUDGED, YOU CLUMSY OAF?

Tina:
Uuhh...

Louise:
Sorry, baby, come here...

Linda:
She deserves a special party this year.

Louise:
If what it says in her diary is true, then I say she needs it. A LOT.

Gene:
It's true.

Bob:
Wait, you read her diary?

Linda:
Yeah.

Louise:
What I can stomach.

Linda:
I just skim it to make sure she's not on drugs.

Bob:
Wha... what does it say?

Linda:
It says "I'm not on drugs".

Teddy:
I love bed and breakfasts. They're so quaint.

Louise:
Aren't they? Random strangers, shedding skin cells all over the house...

Louise:
[as Linda drags her away] I'll see you, in hell Teddy! I WILL SEE YOU IN HELL!

[Bob gasps in horror at the paintings]

Bob:
Oh God. Oh my God, Lin.

Linda:
It's just a few days, Bobby.

Bob:
Linda, there are animal anuses all over our walls!

Linda:
Just think of them as cute little rumps.

Bob:
Lin, they're anuses. I'm trying to think of worse paintings to hang in a restaurant. Um, nope, I can't think of any!

Bob:
Hey, kids.

Louise:
Um, hey, Dad.

Bob:
I had to get away from those anuses for a while.

Tina:
You mean Mort and Teddy?

Bob:
Um, no. Gail's paintings.

[Bob defiantly hangs up an "anus" painting. Edith gasps in shock]

Harold:
BOB, YOU ARE IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF MY WIFE!

Gene:
Is Dad going to jail?

Tina:
I'll wave at you every day.

Louise:
Word of advice: don't tell them what you're in for.

Gene:
I hope our new dad is blonde.

Louise:
I've been honest with these two ever since Gene got too fat.

Gene:
I remember the ice-cream sandwich that did it too. I regret nothing!

Louise:
And Tina, bad breath every day.

Tina:
Not if you like fish.

Louise:
Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.

Bob:
Mr. Frond. He's a tall glass of... annoying.

Linda:
That may be so, but you're gonna have to drink that glass, mister!

Linda:
When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face.

Jimmy Pesto:
You should keep your freaky kids locked up in your own place.

Bob:
[furious] What did you say about my kids?

Linda:
Hit him in his handsome groin!

Mr. Fischoeder:
Bob, you may be the worst tenant I've ever had. And I rent space to a raccoon sanctuary!

Bob:
I know. They're next door. I've been meaning to talk to you about it.

Hugo:
This is big! You'll have to close. The whole building must be tented for 48 hours.

Bob:
Great. There goes our weekend revenue.

Linda:
Oohh! Two days off. Bobby, we could use it!

Bob:
I guess it has been a while since we've had a break...

Linda:
Yeah. Ten years!

Bob:
What? That can't be right.

Linda:
Ten years, Bob. TEN YEARS.

Hugo:
[sarcastic] You're really living the dream, Linda!

Louise:
Our family doesn't celebrate Lobsterfest. We're like Jews on Christmas.

Gene:
Or Jews for Jesus on Hanukkah.

Teddy:
Or me at a lesbian bar. I went to a lesbian bar last night, Bob. It was like I was invisible.

Gene:
Let's release the lobster from whence it came! The supermarket!

Tina:
I already picked a corner for the bathroom. That one, where I went.

Bob:
Are you kidding? I wish I could afford urinal cake ads.

Linda:
Ooh! All this talk about cake is making me hungry!

Bob:
Gene, how could you forget the name of the restaurant? You're there literally every day!

Gene:
I call you "Dad!" As far as I'm concerned, it's "Dad's Burgers!"

Randy:
Do you think cows should be ground up for food?

Louise:
Personally I don't really care but my father, he loves grinding them up; it gives him a rush. Daddy's a bad, bad man.

Bob:
Tina, listen to me. You're not going anywhere. I'm your father.

Capoeira master:
Yes, Tina. But I am your Capoeira instructor.

Tina:
Wait. I'm going to class with you.

Bob:
Tina, what are you doing?

Tina:
Dad, you don't understand.

Bob:
I understand you're grounded, effective right now.

Linda:
Bob, let her go.

Bob:
No. She's grounded, Lin.

Linda:
We all just need a minute to calm down.

Bob:
Hey, Tina, you walk out that door, and you're no longer my grill cook.

Louise:
Dad. Calm down. I'll go get her. You get out of here! You hear me? Never look back! You are dead to us. Sorry, dad. There's no getting through to that one.

Bob:
Thanks, Louise. That was very helpful.

Louise:
Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey.

Tina:
When you say that, I feel like you're trying to hurt my feelings.

Louise:
Oh my god! Why do you talk so SLOW!

Tina:
When you say that, I feel—

Louise:
Tina, this is really, really boring.

Tina:
Okay, well-

Linda:
Okay my little cow pokes, time for school. You can watch the rest tonight.

Louise:
Mom! How could you!

Linda:
How could I what?

Louise:
How could you encourage this?

Linda:
Oh Louise, don't be a pill. A little father-son bonding is going on here, and that's a good thing. These two don't always do it so well.

[cuts to:
]

Gene:
Tambourine solo!

Bob:
[weakly rattles tambourine] Yeesh.

[cuts to:
]

Bob:
Alright, this is how you throw a spiral. Here comes the bullet. Ugh! Stupid ball! It's 'cause there's no laces.

Gene:
I'm hungry.

Bob:
Alright, we're done. Go inside.

Gene:
I WANT PEANUT BUTTER!

[returns]

Bob:
It turns out we bond better over movies that I like to watch, that I make Gene watch.

Gene:
YEAH!

Louise:
Oh that's... That's adorable. I'm going to school.

Bob:
Good.

Gene:
Great. Why don't you learn something and become a lawyer.

Mr. Frond:
Ok, ABS. The conflict resolution program sweeping our school. You all know my system. And at the spaghetti dinner so will your parents or legal guardians. Um, Becky. 'Cause your mom's in jail. Tina, Jocelyn, Jimmy Junior, let's rehearse! Becky, you just watch. Tina here just found out that her best friend Jocelyn told Jimmy Junior here that Tina is whack. And... acting.

Jimmy Jr:
Tina, Jocelyn told me that you're whack.

Tina:
Jocelyn, you skank! I hate you.

Jocelyn:
Whatever. It's true, you are whack.

[They weakly fight]

Mr. Frond:
And freeze! Wow, that resolved nothing. Let's rewind, shall we?

[Tina and Jocelyn pretend they are being rewound]

Mr. Frond:
Let's work out our ABS. A: Access your feelings.

Tina:
When you gossiped about me to Jimmy Junior, it hurt my feelings.

Mr. Frond:
B: Be apologetic.

Jocelyn:
Sorry.

Mr. Frond:
S: slap it! [slaps own butt]

[Tina and Jocelyn high-five]

Mr. Fond:
Well done. Do it just like that at the dinner.

[school bell rings]

Mr. Frond:
Oh. Enjoy your lunch, everyone!

Tina:
[to Jocelyn] If you ever gossip about me to Jimmy Junior outside of the conflict resolution skit, I'll punch you in the face.

Jocelyn:
It was just a skit, Tina.

Tina:
I will punch you. Again, and again, and again, and again, and again—

Jocelyn:
What a psycho.

Tina:
—And again, and again, and again, and again— [door slams]

Bob:
Alright, listen. You kids are going to be on your best behavior. The landlord Mr. Fischoedeor is coming over to talk about the lease, and we don’t know if he’s going to renew.

Linda:
He’ll renew.

Bob:
Well, we haven’t always paid our rent on time.

Linda:
We never pay our rent on time.

Bob:
Thanks, Lin.

Bob:
Oh, are you kidding me! You work there everyday, you live above the us!

Tina:
Well I call you "Bob!" So I call it "Bob's Burgers!"