Columbo, Season Six

Ward Fowler:
You think she was murdered, don't you?

Lt. Columbo:
I, I beg your pardon, sir?

Ward Fowler:
You heard me.

Lt. Columbo:
Yes sir, I did. Uh, I mean, yes, I do think it was a premeditated killing, sir. I mean I think the robbery was staged to cover up the murder. Um, how did you know, sir?

Ward Fowler:
Why else would you be here?

Lt. Columbo:
It could be just a routine check, sir.

Ward Fowler:
No, Lieutenant. They don't send a police detective stumbling around, asking silly, fake, innocent questions on a routine check. I know that from my show.

Lt. Columbo:
Silly, fake, innocent questions, like what, sir?

Lt. Columbo:
[to Fowler] Brilliant, sir! I'm very impressed! No wonder you solve more crimes than I do, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
The parka and the ski mask, that's where they both came from.

Ward Fowler:
And the gun?

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, come on, sir. You're putting me on. You know that guns don't come from the wardrobe department.

Ward Fowler:
Of course. How stupid of me.

Lt. Columbo:
No, that's the prop department, sir, not the wardrobe department. How does a smart man like Lt. Lucerne make a mistake like that?

Ward Fowler:
Because you're not talking to Lt. Lucerne at the moment, are you, Lieutenant? You're talking to Ward Fowler.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, what's the difference, sir?

Ward Fowler:
The difference is Ward Fowler is under suspicion of murder and a man under that kind of threat is apt to make mistakes, he's apt to get rattled.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, whoever said anything about Ward Fowler being under suspicion of murder?

Ward Fowler:
Lt. Lucerne did.

Lt. Columbo:
He did?

Lt. Columbo:
There were no prints on the gun because you wiped the gun clean, sir. But there is a reason the lab report took so long. You remembered to clean the gun, but you didn't remember to do the same thing with the bullets.

Ward Fowler:
Damn! I had to forget something. That's always how the third act ends.

Janie Brandt:
Aunt Ruth, he was in the Army, he can handle a gun, and he's the only one who was willing to work for that salary.

Sergeant Miller:
See something, sir?

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah. His watch is wrong. My watch cost $30. His must have cost a couple hundred and it's wrong. It says May 1st. Goes to show you money doesn't buy quality.

Officer:
Lieutenant, it is May 1st. Your watch is wrong. His watch is right.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh. Well, what do you expect for $30?

Lt. Columbo:
[in a hair salon] Excuse me. Darryl?

Darryl:
Yes? A challenge! But I'll do my best. Sit please, please.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, no, actually I just wanted to ask a few questions.

Darryl:
Oh. Don't sue. Just wear a hat and never let him cut it again.

Lt. Columbo:
No, sir, uh... [looking in mirror] Is it that bad?

Darryl:
Um, yes, yes. Now that's all the questions I have time for. Next!

Phyllis Brandt:
Alright, Lieutenant. Examine me.

Lt. Columbo:
No, no. Uh, look, Mrs. Brandt. It's a very tragic thing. If you ever feel faint while I'm asking you questions you'll let me know-- I mean the last thing I want to do is upset you.

Phyllis Brandt:
[starts crying] Oh no! No! [she gets up and starts walking away]

Lt. Columbo:
[getting up and following her] I'm sorry! [steps on the hem of her dress, ripping it, causing her to turn and stare at him] Well, thank you, Mrs. Brandt. That's all the questions for today.

Phyllis Brandt:
Thank you.

Phyllis Brandt:
A search warrant! I have never been so insulted! Never! What's it look like?

Lt. Columbo:
I'm sorry, Mrs. Brandt. I thought the investigation warranted it.

Phyllis Brandt:
I'll have you disbarred for this, whatever the hell that word is.

Lt. Columbo:
Yes, ma'am. Fired I think is the word you want.

Phyllis Brandt:
Worse than that! You will never get another job, not in this city, not in this state, not in any police force in this country! I am not without certain influence, Lt. Columbus!

Lt. Columbo:
Well, what do you know. Here I am talking with some of the smartest people in the world, and I didn't even notice!

Suzy:
Hi. I'm Suzy

George Campanella:
Hi Suzy.

Suzy:
I've tried Esalen, primal scream, pyramid power, Synanon, a black mass in San Francisco, open marriage, est, TA, TM, I'm OK, You're OK... and I'm still a target.

Suzy:
I like the way you wear your hair!

Lt. Columbo:
...oh, thank you very much, ma'am, I like the way you wear yours.

[Columbo walks into a restaurant carrying a doughnut]

Waitress:
You buy that here?

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, no. I bought it from the doughnut shop because I was going to eat it in the elevator, but then I saw my friend here and, uh... [she glares at him] I'm really terribly sorry.

[He wraps the doughnut in a napkin and gives it to the waitress who hands him a menu]

Lt. Columbo:
Well, let me see, uh, um, let's see now.

Waitress:
I can come back.

Lt. Columbo:
No, no, no, no. I'll have, um... I'll have a doughnut.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, sir, it's a funny thing. All my life, I kept running into smart people. I don't just mean smart like you and the people in this house. You know what I mean. In school, there were lot's of smarter kids, and when I first joined the force, sir, they had some very clever people there... and I could tell right away it wasn't going to be easy making detective as long as they were around. But I figured... if I worked harder than they did, put in more time, read the books, kept my eyes open maybe I could make it happen. And I did. And I really love my work, sir.

Oliver Brandt:
I can tell you do.

Oliver Brandt:
My problem is just the opposite. Born smart... as they say. A blessing you'd think. I had no real childhood, I was an imitation adult, because that's what was expected of me. Most people don't like smart people. Most children despise smart children. So, early on, I had to hide my so-called gift... painful lonely years.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, sir, I never though of that.

Lt. Columbo:
When the squib goes off, it produces vibrations and that knocks the book down. That Danziger is a genius!

Oliver Brandt:
Vibrations! That nitwit! The man who conceived all this, you make him out to be a bungling ass! No! This is what he would have done! This! There! [laughing] There! [continues laughing then pauses] Oh my... Oh my.