Little Mosque on the Prairie, Season 1

Baber:
The enemy is in your kitchen.

Rayyan:
And maybe while the enemy's in there he could do the dishes.

Amaar:
[on phone] Mom, stop it with the guilt. No, don't put dad on! I've been planning this for months it's not like I dropped a bomb on 'im. Oh dad think it's suicide? So be it; this is Allah's plan for me.

Woman:
Oh my …

Amaar:
I'm not throwing my life away, I'm moving to the Prairies!

Mayor Popowicz:
Sarah, you're supposed to spin the news, not be the news!

Mayor Popowicz:
I can work with the truth.

Sarah and Popowicz:
But only as a last resort.

Yasser:
Yes, this is a good one: "Reverend, I would like to run a mosque out of your parish hall. Would you like to tell Jesus or should I?"

Amaar:
How am I supposed to prepare for Ramadan when the whole town's in an uproar. What were you people thinking?

Fatima:
This is that convert Sarah's fault. Tell me: aren't goats more traditional than cucumbers?

Amaar:
You've lost me.

Amaar:
Can't a Muslim book a one-way flight these days without someone having to call their supervisor?

Rayyan:
I thought you'd drag us into the modern world. Or at least the 11th century.

Amaar:
Yes, so did I. That's why I gave up being a lawyer

Rayyan:
Oh. And there I thought you just sucked at that too.

Amaar:
You can't just sue people for no reason. Well, all right, you can but I'm not doing that anymore!

Reverend Magee:
It may have been God who said "Let there be light!" but it's me who pays the electric bill.

Rayyan:
Three seconds of male enlightenment. That's a new record.

Fred Tupper:
Would it kill you Muslim girls to show a bit more... uh.. cleavage? Now and then.

Fatima:
Would it kill you if I hit you with a cleaver?

Baber:
You look like a Protestant!

Layla:
Don't you mean "prostitute"?

Baber:
No. I mean "Protestant".

Rayyan:
Okay. I have to get to the clinic. But once I'm gone, just imagine that after everything mom says, I am saying "That's right!".

Sarah:
Fred Tupper standing up for oppressed women?

Mayor Popowicz:
I think he's standing up for oppressed boobs.

Fatima:
I don't want a bunch of men leering at me while I pray.

Baber:
And I don't want you women distracted by my bottom.

Sarah:
Trust me Baber, no one is looking at your bottom.

Baber:
Western school system! Filling their head with... thinking!

Reverend Magee:
John 8:7: "He among you who has never sinned, cast the first stone" or in this case "he among you who has not got stoned, cast the first sin".

Amaar:
So you didn't fire him.

Reverend Magee:
Not until I ate a couple of his hash brownies at the choir picnic.

Rayyan:
[sitting on the barrier to keep Baber from setting it back up] You're not supposed to touch me.

Baber:
Please, forgive me, sister Rayyan. I totally forgot myself.

Rayyan:
Of course.

Baber:
It'll never happen again

Rayyan:
Good

Baber:
Gimme that piece of wood so I can push her off!

Amaar:
The perfect Muslim solution... Nobody's happy.

Mayor Popowicz:
Ah! It's not gonna be one of those multi-culty snoozefests with lying speeches and bad skits, is it? No offense.

Amaar:
I'll cancel the camel ride.

Mayor Popowicz:
[perking up] Camel ride?

Yasser:
"Only use the best", that's my motto!

Client:
I thought your motto was "we build cheap"?

Fatima:
People are afraid of things they don't understand.

Rayyan:
That's true. That's why I'm afraid of Baber.

Fatima:
[about Islam in Africa] Yes. From an African perspective. You usually only hear the missionary position.

Amaar:
Baber, please don't talk about things you don't understand.

Rayyan:
Then he'd never say anything.

Baber:
If I don't get to talk, I'm out! I knew this was a bad idea.

Fatima:
I'm with Baber! We're... What's the word?

Baber:
Boycotting!

Fatima:
I was gonna say "pissed off", but... Yes! We're boycotting!

Baber:
It's "minbar", not "mini-bar".

Rayyan:
Muslims do date.

Sarah:
[butts in] You call that dating? It's more like a job interview.

Rayyan:
Mom, no. It's more like window shopping. See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's gonna be delicious.

Sarah:
[interupts again] Of course you do! The cake could look good and still be crummy. Or it may be a fruitcake and you know how we all feel about fruitcake...

Rayyan:
Mom! Step away from the metaphor.

Fred Tupper:
I hate to say "I told you so, people of Mercy!"... But I told you so, people of Mercy!

Reverend Magee:
Be a man...grovel!

Fred:
[leaving] Radio show is on in 15...

Fatima:
Oh, thanks for reminding me. [turns off the radio]

Fred:
Nice try Fatima, but you can't silence the voice of the people that easily.

Fatima:
I disagree. Shut. Up. See?

Rayyan:
Looks like a nasty sprain.

Fatima:
You don't have to dumb it down for me. I came for your medical opinion.

Rayyan:
You vitiated your anterior cruciate ligament.

Fatima:
Oh no... What does that mean?

Rayyan:
Looks like a nasty sprain.

Fatima:
Who's going to cook for my customers? You?

Rayyan:
Not unless you've got really good insurance

Sarah:
A small explosion at the mosque, what's the big deal? [pause] Okay when you say it out loud...

Amaar:
You did see the "Do not disturb" sign on the door?

Baber:
Oh yes. I will make sure nobody disturbs you.

Rayyan:
But we're so close...

Mayor Popowicz:
Close only counts at horseshoes. Do Muslim play horseshoes? I find these little cultural differences so interesting.

Rayyan:
Can we focus please?

Fatima:
It's only Halloween. It's not like they're out drinking and dirty dancing!

Fatima's son:
We're not?

Fatima:
Watch your smart mouth or you go nowhere!

Baber:
What if he leaves Islam to become a witch?

Fatima's son:
You can do that?

Baber:
My daughter does not [want to go]! She's a good Muslim!

Layla:
No I'm not! I swear!

Kid:
[to Baber] Sweet Osama costume. The beard looks totally real, dude.

Sarah:
Honey, I didn't sabotage the petition. I mean, I didn't mean to sabotage the petition... I mean... [to Yasser] Okay, did I sabotage the petition?

Rayyan:
You know you did. You undermined me so that you could go on a trip. That's evil.

Sarah:
Oh my God... That's exactly what I did... But it was sleazy, not evil!

Sarah:
I was selfish and horrible.

Rayyan:
Yes, you were, but so was I.

Sarah:
Ah!

Rayyan:
Although much less so

Yasser:
You two are exactly alike.

Rayyan and Sarah:
[simultaneously] No we're not!

Amaar:
What was your favorite part [of the sermon]?

Yasser:
The end.

Baber:
Isn't that wonderful? A convert!

Sarah:
Hello! I'm right here! I'm a convert too!

Baber:
Yes but he's serious!

Rayyan:
[to Sarah] I'll pick you a copy of Islam for Dummies on my way home.

Baber:
The boy is Fatima's; the female is mine.

Layla:
The female?

Marlon:
So, you two are... divorced?

Fatima:
Oh no no. My husband passed on. Baber's wife passed on Baber.

Baber:
[Loudly] How Joyful! At this rate we'll convert every white people in town to Islam!

Amaar:
Indoor voice, Baber.

Sarah:
I'm sorry Anne. I was just praying.

Mayor Popowicz:
Wow. You and Yasser must have been extra naughty this weekend.

Sarah:
No it's not that. Although there was this one thing were he was a TV repairman and I was dressed as a... I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

Amaar:
Any bit of advice on dampening religious enthusiasm?

Reverend Magee:
Join the clergy.

Fatima:
It's from the kosher butcher.

Marlon:
You should stop patronizing Jewish businesses.

Fatima:
And you should stop patronizing me.

Yasser:
Amaar, do you have a minute? I need your help.

Amaar:
I'm not holding down another nail for you. My thumb is still throbbing.

Yasser:
There must be some rule in the Qur'an against praying too much.

Amaar:
Let me get this straight: you're asking a spiritual leader to help someone stop praying?

Amaar:
I'm not the Pope, though I'd love a big hat like that.

Baber:
Yasser, I have got it! What if we move the Mosque and simply don't tell him?

Yasser:
Put it on wheels, move it around town?

Amaar:
Religion would be so much easier without the followers.

Reverend Magee:
I've seen it before. Spiritual shopping. I blame the Beatles.

Reverend Magee:
Christianity hasn't lasted two thousand years by being charitable.

Amaar:
You can't pretend to be Christian.

Reverend Magee:
Actually you can. Half my congregation does.

Fred:
I wouldn't waste a braincell trying to find out.

Fatima:
Yes. I'd imagine you are in short supply.

Sarah:
I don't remember much about growing up Anglican but I must've been there.

Sarah:
Don't we have a New Testament hanging around somewhere around here?

Yasser:
New Testament?

Sarah:
Yeah or an Old Testament?

Yasser:
If we had a new testament surely I would have thrown the old one.

Fatima:
It will help your back, and your colon.

Fred:
What's wrong with my colon?

Fatima:
You're full of crap.

Yasser:
My seat smells. Is that why they call it a "pew"?

Reverend Magee:
[Explaining how the Muslims can't pass off as Anglicans] And the way they all stood up, with such vigor! No, no, no, no, no! [He demonstrates] The older... congregants jump right up, as though we just opened up the buffet. And then, some of them lag behind because they're stone-deaf. And then there's always the ones who just draaaaag themselves up like teenagers who've been asked to do the dishes. Now, let's try it again, let's get this perfectly wrong...

[Fred is covered in warts]

Fatima:
What is wrong with you?

Fred:
Well, I've managed to narrow it down to a couple of possibilities: African killer bees, or a killer African!

Yasser:
When is Easter?

Sarah:
April.

Yasser:
That's when Baby Jesus sees his own shadow, right?

[Fatima just pulled Fred's back into place]

Fred:
Fatima sweetheart? That lotion crap you gave me for my back was only to soften me up so you could fix me, right?

Fatima:
No. I wanted to see you suffer a little bit longer.

Mother Hamoudi:
Oh, thank you for asking... [deadpan] Don't ask.

Johnny:
We've [A gay couple] even written our vows in rhyming couplets. What do you think? "I promise to honour but not obey, except on leather fetish day."

Joe:
Whatever happened to the sanctity of marriage?

Reverend Magee:
Sanctity? You've been divorced three times!

Fatima:
Another muffin?

Reverend Magee:
I'd never forgive myself... but Jesus will. Bring it on.

Mother Hamoudi:
Samira would cook for you. Her couscous is heavenly, tastes like angel droppings.

Yasser:
Mmmm... my favourite type of droppings.

Rayyan:
[ausculting Mother Hamoudi] You're fine! We could fox-trot to the beat of your heart! [pause] I have been watching way too much Dancing with the Stars lately.

Baber:
Don't make us give you your notice.

Amaar:
Baber, you're forgetting: we're the tenants, he's the landlord.

Yasser:
I told her [he would not marry Samira]... And then she had a mild heart attack.

Sarah:
Then tell her again and finish the job!

Mayor Popowicz:
How long are you going to sleep in my office?

Sarah:
Until Yasser stand up to his mother.

Mayor Popowicz:
Good thing I'm running for a third term.

Joe:
I heard you were planning a demonstration on Sunday.

Baber:
Yes. Against the abomination.

Joe:
Oh. I thought it was...

Baber:
Yes, against gay marriage. I just... like to say "abomination"!

Yasser:
Are you sorry you doubted me?

Sarah:
No, sometimes I'm sorry I married you.

Jeff:
[a firefighter] You save lives too.

Rayyan:
True. But you make house calls.

Baber:
As Allah is my witness, I have no imagination! None!

Yasser:
What kind of normal person has any interest in Islam?

Rayyan:
You mean besides us Muslims, dad?

Amaar:
So you're saying... They were actually... Holding hands?

Baber:
I wasn't saying it. I was yelling it!

Baber:
Layla must be protected from the influence of this... Pop tart!

Rayyan:
That's because there's nothing wrong with you!

Jeff:
I know. I just wanted to see you again.

Rayyan:
Okay, there is something wrong with you.

Layla:
My father is sending me to an islamic school to become an islamobot!

Fatima:
You're an impossible man!

Baber:
I am entirely possible!

Amaar:
A man is not allowed to touch a Muslim woman unless he is her brother, her father or her husband.

Jeff:
Not even if she needs mouth-to-mouth?

Amaar:
You keep your mouth away from her.

Jeff:
She'd be unconscious.

Amaar:
You'd kiss an unconscious woman?!

Jeff:
I don't mean to be culturally insensitive here but... What the hell?

Sarah:
Don't ruin this for Rayyan.

Yasser:
I'm her father. It's my job to ruin it for her.

Jeff:
I don't mind being used. I'm user-friendly.

Amaar:
I'm sorry I care so much.

Rayyan:
That's not an apology.

Amaar:
I'm sorry you lost your way.

Rayyan:
You shoudn't be making bad excuses!

Amaar:
I'm sorry, nothing I ever say seems to work!

Rayyan:
Oh, well, that's obvious.

Amaar:
I am sorry I'm here!

Rayyan:
Oh, well, now we're getting somewhere. And I am sorry that you're here too.

Baber:
I got a deal from the old rink. From what I hear, nothing separates men and women like Hockey Night in Canada!