Press Gang, Series Three

Kenny:
I think I'm going to enjoy being grown up.

Lynda:
You were never anything else.

Kenny [sarcastically]:
Well, hold the front page.

[Hold the front page! echoes across the newsroom]

Kenny:
Everyone, I was joking!

Kenny:
I have faith in human nature.

Lynda:
Well, you don't get out much.

Lynda:
Why do you always assume I'm incapable of handling anything technical?

Kenny:
I find it saves time.

Lynda:
Can I dock someone's pay?

Kenny:
On your birthday. If you've been good.

Kenny:
Why, it’s Cinderella back from the ball. So how was Prince Charming?

Lynda:
Stow it, Buttons!

Kenny:
Fair enough, boss. Actually, I’ve always thought of you more as the wicked queen from Snow White.

Lynda:
This is lying, Kenny. I haven't dropped dead, either.

Kenny:
Well, it could take you this long to stop talking.

Lynda:
It's you and me, Kenny. The wicked queen and Jiminy Cricket.

Kenny:
Highest IQ in the room, and I stay friends with her.

Spike:
Know what that woman's done to me?

Frazz:
Dated you, dumped you, broken your heart, driven you back to America, and given you a serious hang-up about all other women because you know you're basically still crazy about her and always will be.

Spike:
Lucky guess.

Frazz:
Did I miss anything?

Spike:
She stole my damn passport.

Spike [answering the phone]:
Spike Thomson, advice line for the love-lorn.

Kenny:
I’ve just met someone I really like. Is it too soon to steal her passport?

Spike:
You know about that?

Kenny:
Spike, it’s Kenny.

Kenny [on the newsagent]:
Just a plain and ordinary guy I wouldn't mind seeing dead.

Lynda:
Dear diary, it's that cute American again, and he's searching my desk. Does this mean he fancies me? It's so difficult to know what to say in these situations. One wants to be firm with him, but just a little seductive. Find out what the hell he's doing, but maybe encourage him a little. I need style, authority, and sex appeal. [pause, and, to Spike] Something of interest in my drawers?

Colin:
Spike, baby. I didn't know you were back from Birmingham!

Spike:
America, Colin. I went home to America.

Colin:
No kidding - I thought you were from Birmingham.

Colin:
And put in loads of adjectives. I love those.

Colin:
I'm not really following all this, am I?

Lynda:
This is life. No guaranteed happy endings.

Kenny:
Do you realise, if it wasn’t for a coincidence of floorboard repair and post fifty odd years ago, I wouldn’t exist? I just find that weird. Scary. My whole life is the result of some dumb mistake. I feel like I’m not supposed to be here. Is that sounding, like, really dumb and stupid?

Lynda:
Yes. Come on, let’s get some more coffees and see who we can fire from graphics.

Kenny:
Well, I’m sorry if my problems are not providing enough entertainment for you, Lynda!

Lynda:
Oh, don’t be like that, Kenny. They usually do.

Kenny:
I want to discuss this.

Lynda:
Kenny, what's the point? You'll only start going on about philosophy and destiny and the meaning of life. I hate those. [To the waitress] Actually, forget the biscuits, he's putting on weight.

Kenny :
Try and understand. I want to discuss a problem I am having with my closest friend.

Lynda:
Haven't you got any other problems?

Kenny :
Specifically, the problem I have concerning the letter.

Lynda:
But I don't like that one!

Kenny [to the waitress]:
I am not putting on weight, I will have those biscuits, thank you.

Lynda [to the waitress]:
Just the one, though.

Kenny:
Look, let me put it another way -.

Lynda:
A really different way?

Kenny:
Remember that time I kept getting a wrong number? I was trying to phone my aunt.

Lynda:
Oh, right, yeah. The girl in Dublin.” [To the waitress] He fell in love with a wrong number!

Kenny:
Look, I really clicked with that girl. Now, suppose I had actually found out her number, and we’d met up? It’s possible, I’m only saying possible, that we could have ended up some day together. Married, with kids, or whatever.

Lynda:
Some people get over a wrong number faster than this.

Kenny:
That's not the point I'm making. Now just think of all the future yet unborn whose existence could depend on something as dumb as a wrong number.

Lynda [to the waitress]:
Actually, forget the coffees, I'm worried about his blood pressure, too.

Lynda [to Kenny, on the other side of the door]:
I'm making a few concessions here - just a few conditions under which I'm prepared to discuss your problem.

Kenny:
Okay, let's hear them.

Lynda:
I can't come in?

Kenny:
Conditions?

Lynda:
I got them typed up. [She passes paper through the letter-box]

Kenny:
Fifteen, Lynda? What I had in mind was a more personal, sincere apology.

Lynda:
I told you. It’s in your in-tray.

Kenny [opening the door]:
Why do you have absolutely no conception of the responsibilities of friendship?

Lynda:
Oh, that's nice, the same day I send you a memo.

Kenny:
I just don’t understand why it’s so difficult to discuss a problem with my best friend.

Lynda:
And I don’t see why it has to be that particular problem. You’ve got hundreds.

Kenny:
What do you mean, I've got hundreds?

Lynda:
Oh, come on, Kenny, you're a complete neurotic!

Kenny:
I'm a complete neurotic? Well, let's just take a little look at who's talking here!

Lynda:
What do you mean by that?

Kenny:
Well, no offence, Lynda, but let's be honest. You're a selfish, paranoic, maladjusted, psychotic, complete bitch!

Lynda [on Kenny's new theory of destiny]:
Don't talk so wet, Kenny, there's no such thing.

Lynda:
What came after maladjusted? I'm considering a tattoo.

Kenny:
I'm sorry, too, boss.

Lynda:
Who was it?

Kenny:
Oh, just a wrong number.

Lynda:
You and me Spike, we're held together by a force even stronger than true love.

Spike:
Which is?

Lynda:
We both want the last word.

Kenny:
I hate to interrupt this, but you've got a budget meeting with Kerr.

Lynda:
This is flirt time with Spike - top of the page.

Kenny [checking the diary]:
I stand corrected.

Kenny:
Is this the arm off a Garfield?

Lynda:
So I've got a temper. Colin, where are the last two finance reports?

Colin:
Er, I'm not going to lie to you Lynda, I stole them.

Lynda:
For what reason did you steal them?

Colin:
I didn't want you going to the budget meeting without me kid. I hate seeing you out of your depth.

Lynda:
What?

Colin:
It pains me to say this about my own editor Lynda, but on occassion I have noticed a certain bluntness about your negotiating techniques. Specifically: don't throw the ashtray.

Kenny [being held at gunpoint]:
Is this a burglary? Not that I'm trying to rush you or anything.

Lynda [on the broken mirror]:
It's the kind of thing that could make a girl insecure about her looks.

Lynda:
Wrong day to power dress.

Kenny:
Coffee-making. That's something I always wanted to have a shot at.

Lynda:
I think you're getting your biology a little confused.

Colin:
Do you have to keep pointing at me gun-wise? It's just that I've got a naturally high fear level. Probably if you were just a bit cross with me, that would do it.

Colin:
Those guys out there haven't quite made up their minds about you. I mean, maybe you're just one of these wacky kids who likes to tease his friends with a loaded firearm. We all know one.

Spike:
What do you know? Twelve o'clock and we've had a gun siege already.

Colin:
Can I just say, on behalf on everyone, I'm glad you didn't kill Kenny. That would have been one serious bummer. I'm sorry if I'm sounding emotional.

Spike:
Lynda! I don't know what this means, but Colin says "don't throw the ashtray".

Lynda [on being held hostage by a gunman]:
Kenny, I want you to get up and walk out of here.

Gunman:
Don't.

Kenny:
Well, look, can you two maybe come to some kind of agreement on this?

Kenny:
If I get killed doing this, you're going to feel really guilty.

Lynda:
Why would I? You won't be there to tell me to.

Lynda:
Kenny, just do as I tell you!

Kenny:
That is the nature of our friendship.