The Cosby Show, Season 3

[after Rudy is asked if she can identify a snake she saw in the basement from a reptile book]

Vanessa:
Okay, here we go. "The Reptile Family." Sort of a who's who of snakes. [chuckles and give the book to Cliff]

Cliff:
Okay, here we are. [opens the book to the first page]

Rudy:
[immediately points to the page] THAT'S IT! [short pause] That's it!

Cliff:
[in disbelief] This is the snake? [Rudy nods] That's an anaconda. It lives in Brazil.

Vanessa:
Rudy, it's 25 feet long and weighs 200 pounds!

Rudy:
That's what I saw.

Cliff:
I don't think this snake lives in the United States.

Rudy:
It could come for a visit.

Clair:
I'm going to call the zoo.

Cliff:
The zoo?! The zoo does not want a garter snake. Garter snakes go to the zoo to see real snakes.

Clair:
Mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm. It is amazing what you can find when a person takes off her sunglasses.

Vanessa:
Mom, I didn't mean to put on the make-up. But, all of a sudden all of this stuff was on my face. It was like temporary insanity!

Vanessa:
I did it, I'm sorry and I should be punished.

Cliff:
We know it, we accept, and you will be.

[After Rudy announces that she has a boyfriend, named Bud]

Cockroach:
Now, Rudy, I thought you told me I was your boyfriend.

Rudy:
You're too old!

Theo:
[laughing] Cockroach, it's amazing! You get turned down by women of ALL ages!

Clair:
You're not going to fly, and I'll give you three reasons why. First in order to learn to fly you must be young, second, to go off flying you need time, and as a physician, you don't have that, and third, you're not allowed.

Cliff:
Who says?

Clair:
I says, Bud.

Vanessa:
[to Cliff and Clair] It's YOUR fault I have this problem. If you weren't rich, I wouldn't have this problem.

Cliff:
Your mother and I are rich. YOU have nothing!

Clair:
Vanessa, you are rich, because you have got a family that loves you!

Denise:
In high school, my teacher watched me work very closely. He supervised my work, told me how to do my work and that's why I passed high school. In college, the professors just give me an assignment, say "Do it", and then don't say a word about it until it's due.

Maxine:
Theo, why do you think we came over here?

Theo:
To get help with your math.

Maxine:
Why would we do that when we get higher grades in math than you do?

Vanessa:
You were saying that in life you must always move forward.

Robert:
Yes, but I was hoping we could move forward together.

Vanessa:
We will...as friends.

Robert:
[sadly] Okay, I hear what you're saying.

Vanessa:
And who knows what the future holds. Maybe I'll feel differently in time.

Robert:
Vanessa?

Vanessa:
Yeah?

Robert:
Would it speed things up if I begged?

Rudy:
Smoking's not good for you. It makes your breath stink, it gets your lungs dirty, and then you die. Smoking also causes forest fires, which is why you never see animals smoke.

Vanessa:
I think she gets the point, Rudy.

Rudy:
None of MY friends smoke!

Vanessa:
Wait, Theo said that when you caught him and Cockroach smoking, you yelled so loud you cracked the walls.

Cliff:
Yeah, because those two were smoking, I knock on the door they go 'oh wait! Just a minute! Just a minute', so I open the door. They go 'Hello dad!' and 'Hello Dr. Huxtable', they've tossed the cigarettes under the bed still lit! Smoke's coming up, I ask a stupid question, I say 'have you been smoking?' they go 'Oh no' and smoke's coming out the side of their mouths, I say what's that? They say 'Oh well we were trying this very spicy beef jerky'. They're lucky I didn't crack more than the walls by yelling.

Clair:
Theo, since you enjoy playing circus so much, you can be part of one: the Huxtable circus. This is the big top. And you get to clean the big top from top to bottom, stating with those windows.Then you can do the floors.

Cliff:
Look at it this way son; here, no elephants.

Sondra:
Turning fifty is a monumental occasion in a man's life.

Cliff:
Oh, Lord, who let this child in the house?

Mark:
[who is in the doghouse with Clair] I'd really like to talk to Clair.

Cliff:
Alright, but just remember. You don't have me to block for you any more.

Cliff:
You are leaving this house now. You are leaving this house.

Elvin:
But...

Cliff:
No! No! You're leaving, you're leaving! You wanna now why? Because I GOTCHA!

[Clair and Cliff are in bed sick]

Clair:
Let's call Theo.

Cliff:
Okay, on the count of three: one, two, three!

Cliff and Clair:
[Very weakly] Theo...Theo.

Cliff:
I'm all yelled out.

Clair:
Cliff, do you think any of them will ever come up and check on us?

Cliff:
I don't think so, dear. I think they've got us right where they want us.

Clair:
How are we going to get the water?

Cliff:
I'll get it. Gimme some help.

[Clair gives him a nudge out of bed and he immediately falls on his face]

Clair:
Cliff?

Cliff:
Hm?

Clair:
Are you okay?

Cliff:
Yes, dear. I'm just gonna take a little nap.

Cliff:
Do you have to hammer?

Workman:
I don't HAVE to...but I wouldn't feel right getting paid for just standing here.

Scott:
You mean Clair lets you eat potato chips?

Cliff:
Lets me eat potato chips!?! I'm a man, I'll eat what I want!

Jill:
Honey, if you touch that pizza, you're dead.

Scott:
Dear, one little piece of pizza won't hurt me.

Jill:
I'll kill you.

Vanessa:
Would you like to do me a really big favor?

Theo:
No.

Vanessa:
Oh, come on Theo. You owe me a favor. Remember the time when you wanted to buy that yo-yo that lights up in the dark? I was the one that lent you the 75 cents.

Theo:
That was three years ago Vanessa.

Cliff:
These hamburgers are too big for the kids, so if you could take them back...

Waiter:
And you want me to cover them in ketchup, mustard and pickles and squeeze them into regular hamburger buns.

Cliff:
Yes!

Waiter:
Say no more, I have three kids myself, they don't like to eat here either.

Cliff:
Clair, I really enjoyed the dinner today.

Clair:
Well, I have a snack just for you, TA-DA.

Clair:
Delicious rice cakes, 35 calories, Cliff. 0 Salt, 0 Fat, 0 Cholesterol.

Cliff:
Zero taste. Clair, I want food, like pulpetta.

Cliff:
Yes i want pulpetta