The Office, Season 4

Pam:
[answering the phone] Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial... Celebrity Rabies Awareness Fun Run Race For The Cure. This is Pam.

Michael:
Pro-Am.

Pam:
...Pro-Am Race For The- They hung up.

Michael:
Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.

Dwight:
WHERE!!?

Phyllis:
WHEN!!?

Michael:
It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could and she is going to be okay.

Stanley:
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!?

Pam:
Thank goodness you were there

Michael:
[shaking his head nervously] Yeah...

Andy:
Did you see who did it?

Dwight:
No need. We can just check the security tapes

Michael:
It's kind of a good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

Jim:
Who was driving?

Pam:
oh Michael...

Jim:
One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway...... I wonder who he ran over then

Michael:
I ran down Meredith in my car.

Ryan:
Did you do this on purpose?

Michael:
No, I was being negligent. But she's in the hospital. She's fine, recovering nicely. Tiny little crack in her pelvis. But she will be up in-

Ryan:
Did this happen on company property?

Michael:
Yes. It was on company property with company property, so... double jeopardy. We're fine.

Ryan:
I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.

Michael:
Oh right, I'm sorry. What is, "We're fine?"

Michael:
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.

Angela:
[after Dwight feeds her cat] Any problems?

Dwight:
Well, you left the TV on. Also, your cat is dead.

Michael:
It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious but I'm a little stitious.

Michael:
Kelly, you're a Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.

Kelly:
That's Buddhists.

Michael:
Are you sure?

Kelly:
No.

Michael:
Guess what. I have flaws. What are they?. Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me!.. No, don't sue me. That's the opposite of the point that I am trying to make.

Michael:
Yeah, Ryan snapped at me. But there was this twinkle in his eye that I picked up on which said, "Dude, we're friends. I'm doing this for appearances. I am the big boss now. And I have to seem like an ogre. But you know me and you trust me. And we like each other. And we'll always be friends. And I would never take you for granted in a million years. And I miss you, man. And I love you." His words.

Creed:
[to Ryan] Hey, brah. I've been meaning to ask you. Can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull, am I right? Later, skater.

Michael:
Computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.

Dwight:
[to Angela] I just wanna be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.

Michael:
WHERE ARE THE TURTLES?!

Dwight:
I am not a bad person. When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me but I never intended to use them. What did I intend to do with them? Who knows. Maybe keep them as a souvenir. Maybe use them.

Michael:
It was a pretty disappointing day. It was kind of a slap in the face, to realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive. Who I had cared about. But you know, I'm not going to cry about it. I did that on the way home.

Angela:
I can't do this. I can't do it.

Michael:
Yes you can. I know you can. I wouldn't say it if I didn't 100% believe it. Who else could do this?

Angela:
Okay. Okay.

Michael:
No seriously, is there anyone else who could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.

Stanley:
Find anything?

Kevin:
I think it's a straight-forward kidnapping.

Oscar:
Stanley, could you look up "accomplices"?

Stanley:
Can't you guys do it?

Oscar:
'Cause we're looking up "jail time".

Jim:
Do you remember what you said to me on my first day of work, just before you walked me over to my desk?

Pam:
Yeah: "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your deskmate Dwight."

Jim:
That's when I knew. You?

Pam:
You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat is expired."

Jim:
That was the moment that you knew you liked me.

Pam:
Yep.

Jim:
Wow. Can we make it a different moment?

Pam:
Nope.

Michael:
Ryan just so you know, one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer asshole

Ryan:
That`s Michael, Always with a joke

Pizza Boy:
If anyone is listening, i`m being held here against my will, I`m a minor.

Michael:
We'll ask Powerpoint.

Oscar:
Michael, this is a presentation tool.

Michael:
You're a presentation tool!

Michael:
Yes. Money has been a little tight lately. But, at the end of my life, when I'm sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No. I'm going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.

Michael:
I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!

Oscar:
I just wanted you to know that you can't just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.

Michael:
I didn't say it. I declared it.

Dwight:
As of this morning, we are completely wireless here on Schrute Farms. As soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we'll have that power back on.

Dwight:
My girlfriend and I broke up recently. And I must say, I am relieved. Gives me a chance to sow my wild oats. In the Schrute family, we have a tradition, where when the male has sex with another woman, he is rewarded with a bag of wild oats left on his door step by his parents. You can use these oats to make oatmeal, bread, whatever you want. I don't care, they're your oats.

Jim:
Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton?

Dwight:
[sobs]

Jim:
Yeah, I didn't think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Yeah, I mean, she was with Roy... and I just couldn't take it. I mean, I lost it, Dwight. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate on anything. And then weird stuff, like, food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. And it is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And that includes you.

Dwight:
Second Life is not a game. It is a multi-user, virtual environment. It doesn't have points or scores. It doesn't have winners or losers.

Jim:
Oh, it has losers.

Meredith:
I'm excited about doing the ad, but I'm not really used to doing videos with so many people around.

Dwight:
The eyes are the groin of the head.

Karen:
Let me ask you. Did you accomplish what you wanted?

Dwight:
Listen, lady. You can expect these kinds of repercussions as long as you keep trying to poach our people.

Karen:
I'm taking Stanley.

Dwight:
Then we will burn Utica to the ground.

Michael:
Dwight! [clears his throat] Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them. And if you so much as harm a hair on Stanley's head... We will burn Utica to the ground.

Pam:
[about the corporate retreat] Michael wasn't invited. Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.

Michael:
Ten years, you'll figure it out.

Jim:
Well, I don't think I'll be here in ten years.

Michael:
That's what I said. [Jim looks concerned] That's what she said.

Jim:
That's what who said?

Michael:
I never know. I just say it. I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension. When things sort of get hard.

Jim:
That's what she said.

Michael:
Hey! Nice, really good. Bravo, my young ward.

Kelly:
I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.

Jan:
People underestimate Michael. There are plenty of things that he is well above average at. Like ice skating. He is a very good ice skater.

Jan's lawyer:
How long have you known Ms. Levinson?

Michael:
Six years and two months.

Jan's lawyer:
And you were directly under her the whole time?

Michael:
That's what she said.

Jan's lawyer:
Excuse me?

Michael:
[slowly] That's what she said.

Jan:
I'm so, so sorry for the temperature in here. The, uh, sliding glass door shattered. It's actually a really cute story. Do you wanna tell it, babe, or should I tell it?

Michael:
I don't like that story, babe.

Jan:
Come on! It's a cute story. Michael ran through the sliding glass door because he thought he heard the ice cream truck.

Michael:
Stop! Stop it! I mean... I like ice cream, okay? Sue me! Oh no, don't! I shouldn't say that jokingly because she will sue me. She loves to sue! She loves lawsuits. You know, honey, that door was extremely clean, and it looked invisible.

Jan:
You are so right. You are SO right! Because before I lived here the glass was always covered with smudges and I moved in and I cleaned it and I guess that makes me the devil!

Michael:
[laughing crazily] You are! She is! She is the devil! I'm in hell! I'm burning. Help me.

Angela:
...You shouldn't say that.

Michael:
When I said that I wanted to have kids and you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, what did I do? And then, when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn't so sure? Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you definitely didn't wanna have kids? Who had it reversed back? Snip snap snip snap snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!

Jan:
I am so sorry that I don't wanna bring kids into this screwed up world.

Michael:
I am sorry too.

Jan:
But look if you wanna have kids, then fine! You win! Let's have a f**king kid!

Michael:
Do you mean it? You wanna have a kid?

Jan:
I hate my life.

Michael:
What part of "shorn't" don't you understand?

Andy:
I did this for the little guy. For Joe Six-pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his $400 a month apartment, wonders how he's going to pay his mortgage; wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil; wonders "How am I going to pay my kids' orphanage bills?" That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's going to park.

Ryan:
Do you have a question, Kelly?

Kelly:
Yeah, I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?

Pam:
There is a spare key, and a master key for the office. Dwight has them both. When I asked "What if you die, Dwight, how will we get into the office?", he said "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."

Creed:
A lot of jazz cats are blind. But they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam, without her glasses, and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless.

Michael:
Friends joke with one another. Hey you're poor. Hey, your momma's dead. That's what friends do.

Stanley:
It's like I used to tell my wife: I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong. And if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I'll say it to my next one, too.

Jim:
Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan: he was the temp here. Yeah and, uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I've never done before: Try.

Pam:
Do you remember you specifically told me to bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. I said, "Are you sure, Michael?" And you said, "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that?

[Michael and Dwight discuss Holly, Toby's replacement]

Dwight:
So what do we know about her?

Michael:
Well, we know that Toby thinks she'll be great. So strike one, I hate her already.

Dwight:
I hate her, too.

Michael:
Why do you hate her?

Dwight:
Because she... stinks. With her... ways. And her... head.

Michael:
You know Dwight, sometimes... I dunno, I think you say things just to agree with me.

Dwight:
Would that be such a bad thing?

Michael:
Yeah, it would! Just have a thought! Have an original thought! Although I will agree that her head is weird.

Dwight:
Hazing is a fun way to show a new employee that she is not welcome or liked.

Michael:
[learning he is not father of Jan's baby] You cheated on me...when I specifically asked you not to?

Holly:
[thinks Kevin is slow] Hi!

Kevin:
Hi.

Holly:
What do you do?

Kevin:
I do the numbers.

Holly:
Oh, good for you!

Kevin:
You want an M&M?

Holly:
Oh, no, that is so sweet. Thank you, though.

Kevin:
I keep them here at my desk so that everybody doesn't take them.

Holly:
Well, that is a very safe place for them.

Kevin:
[smiling] Yeah.

Jim:
[calling Ryan's voicemail] Hey Ryan, it's Jim. Look man, I don't know what's gotten into you, lately. But you know what? I really don't care. Because you're trying to get rid of me, and I bet you think I don't care enough about this job to actually fight back. But you're wrong, because I do, and I will. So you can keep trying to push me out of this place. But guess what? I'm not going anywhere. [Hangs up]

Oscar:
Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan's big project was the website. Which wasn't doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.

Andy:
Angela, will you do me the honor of giving me your tiny hand in marriage?

Angela:
...Okay.

Andy:
Into the mic, sweetie.

Angela:
I said, okay.

Andy:
She said yes! [light applause from some people] And the crowd goes wild! Woo!

Jim:
[after pairing his headset with Dwight's cell phone] Hello this is Dwight.

Pam:
[on phone] Is this Dwight?

Jim:
Yes, it is.

Pam:
Oh my goodness, you sound sexy.

Jim:
Oh, thank you. I've been working out.

Dwight:
Woah! Woah! Woah! Pam! Pam! You are not talking to Dwight right now. You are talking to Jim!

Pam:
Dwight?

Dwight:
No! [waving] I'm over here!

Pam:
I'm confused.

Fuck you!

Michael:
I'm not superstitious, but I...I am a little stitious.

Michael:
Good news.

Stanley:
We get to go home?

Michael:
Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo?

[Everyone voices their approval]

Kevin:
Wait. Alfredo's Pizza Café? Or Pizza by Alfredo?

Michael:
Same thing.

[Everyone grumbles in disagreement]

Michael:
You know what? I don't understand when you all talk at the same time.

Kevin:
Oscar, talk to him.

Oscar:
Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places. Both in quality of ingredients, and overall taste. Which one did you order from?

Michael:
Pizza by Alfredo.

[Everyone groans]

Michael:
Okay, okay, what's better? A medium amount of good pizza? Or all-you-can-eat of pretty good pizza?

Everyone:
Medium amount of good pizza.

[cut to Kevin in interview]

Kevin:
Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.

Jim:
[to the camera] Michael and Jan seem to be playing their own separate game. And it's called, "Let's see how uncomfortable we can make our guests." And they're both winning. So I am going to make a run for it.