A Private Function

Joyce Chilvers:
I think sexual intercourse is in order, Gilbert.

Dr. Charles Swaby:
In Westminster Abbey tomorrow morning, a young couple are getting married of a purity and a nobility scum like you just can't comprehend.

Joyce Chilvers:
I want a future that lives up to my past.

Dr. Charles Swaby:
Now, under this National Health Service, any poorly little pillock can come into my surgery and say "I'm ill! Treat me!" Honestly, sometimes I wonder what the last war was FOR.

Morris Wormold the Meat Inspector:
My experience has been, Mrs Forbes, that when people say they are only human, it's because they have been making beasts of themselves.

[the pig has been abducted]

Grand Hotel Manager:
I can put my hands on two turkeys in Bradford.

Frank Lockwood the Solicitor:
Two? TWO? We've got a hundred and fifty people coming! And Jesus isn't one of them!

P.C. Penny:
[upon spotting a single, solitary banana] Mrs Medcalf, are you wanting that banana?

Mrs. Dorcus Medcalf:
I am, love; I'm planning a trifle.

Joyce Chilvers:
It's not pork, Gilbert, it's power!