American Dad!, Season 8

Roger:
I think I grabbed the helium tank.

Roger:
This is just the place Langley Falls needs.

Klaus:
If they need it so much, why is no one here?

Roger:
I'm going to eat you one day.

Roger:
Potato bread!

[opens empty bread bag and walks up to Hayley]

Roger:
You worthless piece of shit.

Roger:
I just want to be as close to you as possible... Like John and Yoko... You're Yoko.

[Francine aims a gun at Hayley and Jeff and pretends to shoot them]

Francine:
Should've done that a long time ago.

Hayley:
So that was hotel sex. Still terrible.

Francine:
So who do we have to kill?

Stan:
Joe, the activities doctor.

Francine:
Aw, but he's got such a sweet smile... I'm gonna shoot him in his face.

Steve:
You sound smart like Hugh Grant the movie star, but you're stupid like Hugh Grant the person!

Stan:
...that guy.

Avery Bullock:
No one's that perfect and farts that deep.

Roger:
I have equipped you with a mechanical voice box that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man. I've also given you a micropenis, like most Chicago men.

Barry:
Girl, you're gonna feel a little prick.

Frank:
But Stan...

Stan:
The only "but" is the butt of my gun!

Frank:
What?

Stan:
Just know, it was super-clever.

[Roger, Stan, Betty and Francine all hold hands]

Roger:
God, are you there? It's me, Tom Yabo. [closes his eyes] I just wanna say thank you for sending me such an amazing woman and unbelievably generous to her. I mean, her giving to receiving ratio is like 3-1 minimum. Amen. So, Stan, how was work today?

[Betty hands him sweet potatoes]

Stan:
Fun.

Betty:
Stan, you speak up and look at Tom when he's asking you a question.

Stan:
[louder] It was fine, okay?! [spits out his sweet potatoes]

Betty:
Stan, I worked really hard on this meal.

Stan:
Well, it's gross, and I don't like it.

Roger:
Come on, champ. Give it another try.

Stan:
SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! [knocks over the table and walks out]

Betty:
Stan!

[Stan looks at photos of him and Snot]

Steve:
Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day. [puts it back in the envelope]

Stan:
Oh, is that a letter for Snot? I'll mail it for you.

Steve:
[hands Stan the letter] Thanks. This is my fifth letter to him. I hope this time he writes me back.

Stan:
Doubt it. Snot's probably moved on with his life and I think it's time you did too. [hands him a net] Here, I signed you up for lacrosse.

Steve:
Dad, I'm not a physical boy.

Stan:
Well, now that Snot's not here to drag you down, you can do anything. Let's see what you can do with that lacrosse stick.

[Steve puts it on his head]

Stan:
What are you doing?

Steve:
Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?

Stan:
[sighs] I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.

Toshi:
Holy Methmoly!

Subtitle:
Jeepers, a methhead!

Greg:
We'd love to have Baby Franny on our little show, but she hasn't returned our many phone calls. What a bitch.

Terry:
We're still on.

Greg:
...of a show we've got coming up!

Principal Lewis:
My strength comes from above!!

Francine:
Any dumbass can have dumbass kids...

Stan:
GO THE HELL TO FRANCE!!

[Roger makes a rainbow]

Francine:
Oh my God! You can do that?

Roger:
Yeah, when I'm really happy.

Francine:
[walks through it] Ew.

Roger:
Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee.

Stan:
Damn this birthday! Damn it straight to hell!

Patrick Stewart:
And now, we return to Act 2. Gezhundheit. Just kidding. The theatre can be a lonely place.

Stan:
It was the best day of my life. Until it was not that... at all.

Stan:
I remember more.

Francine:
More what, Stan?

Stan:
More... information.

Gina:
Hands across America, bitches!

Steve:
I wanted to be the first boy to whack it on the moon.

Francine:
I wanted to be the mother of the first boy to whack it on the moon.

Hayley:
I should be dead, or at least, be able to control things with my mind.

[Hayley in shock about Roger sending him into space]

Hayley:
What... the hell... just happened... my Jeff, my dear sweet...my dear sweet... my Jeffmmmm.

[Roger shouting at Hayley while the Smiths are all in the car]

Roger:
Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.

[Roger about to contact his home planet to let them pick him up]

Roger:
Do I have to go? My planet is freezing cold, there is no booze and sex is so boring up there, it's all consensual.

Tearjerker:
You haven't said a thing about my paintings.

Stan:
Am I out of my mind...or am I out of my socks?

Roger:
[whispering] Space raped.

Francine:
Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.

Roger:
Well, there are ways to get people to do what you want without they're knowing it.

Francine:
Are you suggesting I trick him?

Roger:
Sure, it's easy. I once got him to drink my pee by telling him it was a fancy beer.

Francine:
What an idiot.

Stan:
The church sent missionaries to America to teach the Indians the correct method of sex. In return, they taught us the correct method of sitting in second grade.

Francine:
[to an old friend] I haven't seen you in 10 years! Are you still 30?

Steve:
Roger, I need your help. There's a big crazy guy at school who wants to beat the crap out of me.

[Roger takes his glasses and clothes off, then puts his glasses back on. he puts his hands together and inhales]

Roger:
I'm listening.

Steve:
We're supposed to fight Friday at 3:00. I only have two days to find a way out of it.

Roger:
I know a guy who loves a good fight. I'll give him a call. He'll take care of your problems.

Steve:
Oh, thank you. Wait, the guy's not gonna be you, is he?

Roger:
No, I promise.

Steve:
'Cause a lot of times when you say "you know a guy", you're really just thinking about yourself.

Roger:
Fine! It was gonna be me, but since you're making a big deal about it, I'll call somebody else, okay? Stop figuring out my tricks! [crushes his desk with a bat and puts his clothes back on] My model plane.

Jeff:
So this ship...is just one big shopping mall?

Steve:
Roger, what the hell is... [sees that Roger's room has become a gym] Holy cow, you really do have a gym up here.

[after Klaus has hit Stan on the head, knocking him out]

Klaus:
Stan, are you okay? You have to wake up. We have to go.

[Stan regains consciousness and sees that Klaus' voice has come from his body]

Klaus:
Guten morgen, fish face!

[Stan is shocked to see himself in Klaus' fish body]

Stan:
You son of a bitch! You switch us back right... [defecates] Oh, God. Oh, my God. I just pooped. Does it just float here? Why is my mind telling me to eat it?