Andromeda, First Season

Dylan:
Ever the cynic. You know I can't wait to hear your toast at my wedding: "To Dylan and Sarah, I'm sure you'll have a long and happy life together. Unless you die."

Gaheris:
Nietzscheans don't believe in optimism. It inhibits survival.

Dylan:
So does pessimism.

Trance:
Oh, he's the guy who retired. Didn't you say he bought a farm?

Harper:
The farm. Bought the farm, Trance.

Trance:
What's the difference?

Beka:
Torn pressure suit and a bad emergency seal.

Trance:
Oh, that is different.

Harper:
Lucky for you I'm a freaking genius.

Tyr:
I don't care if we wake up when the suns have all burned out and the universe is winding down to die, as long as I'm there to watch.

Beka:
[after accepting Dylan's offer to become his crew] We're not saluting you, and we're not calling you Captain.

Dylan Hunt:
Dylan. Dylan is fine.

Harper:
Who does he think he is?

Rev:
I assume he thinks he's a Neitzschean.

Rev:
...But you did go an hour without killing me. And if you can go an hour, maybe you can go a day, then a week. And then maybe, just maybe, a lifetime.

Rommie:
Dylan may not be a god, but on this ship, I am.

Harper:
That is the Andromeda I know, love, and gave human form to!

Tyr:
And when the Magog unleash their dreaded bouncing ball attack, we'll make them rue the day.

Dylan:
I want Andromeda bucking like a drunken Vedran with a Nightsider on its back"

Beka:
Sounds like my last date.

Dylan:
You can tell us about that later.

Tyr:
[to Dylan] Work as a team? With them? They're amateurs - children! And you? You're an anachronism. You haven't the first idea how unforgiving this universe has become, and I will not allow you to learn at my expense!

Tyr:
If the radiation is affecting me, then what do you suppose it's doing to Trance? To Harper? To you?

Beka:
Tyr. Didn't know you cared.

Tyr:
I care about survival. [Nonchalant] Do you?

Rhade:
To a Nietzschean, a game is never just a game.

Rev:
While I admit the universe does have a sense of humour, I doubt very much that this is a joke.

Harper:
Note to sculptors - Statues of me should look, I dunno, wise, concerned. I suggest posing me with a soldering wand over my head like a sword.

Tyr:
You know, I can cook, too. You'd be surprised at the skills you acquire as a mercenary.

Tyr:
My people have a legend about the Battle of Witchead. They say that the Nietzschean forces arrived here with overwhelming numbers. Their victory seemed assured. But then, in the critical hour, the Angel of Death appeared, summoning forth the Fires of Hell. The Nietzschean fleet was struck down. Crippled. Their glorious victory turned to ashes.

Beka:
You knew all along?

Tyr:
[to Dylan] I've never seen an angel before.

Tyr:
I let my own survival outweigh the survival of an entire people.

Dylan:
that's a very Nietzschean thing to do

Dylan:
God bless the Nietzscheans, where would the Commonwealth be without them?

Trance:
Patching him up is easy as cake.

Dylan:
Easy as pie.

Trance:
Are you sure about that? I think that making pie is a lot harder than cake.

Dylan:
Just fix him, Trance.

Trance:
Oh, he'll be fine. Compared to baking, brain surgery is a snap.

Rev:
Hello Tyr. Have you come to join me in meditation?

Tyr:
Meditation is for weak people with troubled minds. Is your mind troubled?

Rev:
You have an interesting way of starting a philosophical discussion.

Dylan:
Talking to yourself is the first sign of mental collapse.

Rommie:
[simultaneously as avatar and hologram] Only for wetware.

Dylan:
Any of your prayers been answered, Rev?

Rev:
Many, just not today.

Dylan:
I like them.

Beka:
Yeah, but you like everyone, even people who try to kill you... especially people who try to kill you.

Harper:
It's a teleporter… It scans you, destroys you, transmits you through the projector, and then rebuilds you from the particles up. Hilarity ensues.

Beka:
I think Mr. Heisenberg would object.

Beka:
Careful, Harper. That is one of Trance's plants.

Harper:
I know.

Beka:
She loves them.

Harper:
I know.

Beka:
She gives them names.

Harper:
Trust in the Harper, the Harper is good. It goes in here... [Plant disappears] ...and it comes out there. [Plant reappears and explodes]

Beka:
I believe she called that one "Walter".

Dylan:
[to Rommie] When I touch you, do you feel me, or do you measure the pressure of my fingers against your skin? When I speak, do you hear me, or do you interpret an acoustic wave? I can't be objective about this, I'm not a machine.

Hohne:
I must say, the prospect of tearing you apart particle by particle and re-assembling you on a ship 300 years in the past is quite exhilarating. We admire your devotion to science.

Tyr:
I can usually spot a planet. They're large. I have good eyes.

Warden:
The majority of prisoners benefit from the smooth and efficient operation of the system. You are disrupting it. Why can't I make you understand that?

Jessa:
Poor communication skills?

[Dylan shuts down the prison's defense grid, saving the Eureka Maru and his crew]

Dylan Hunt:
Eureka Maru, permission to land.

Tyr:
[realizing what must've happened] Dylan.

Beka:
You know, I'm really starting to like that guy.

Harper:
Which explains why the two fish-necks get to hang out with the hot chick with the lungs. In fact, I think I will sit next to the lung lady.

Rommie:
And create a major diplomatic incident? I don't think so.

Beka:
What if they start shooting? How am I supposed to run in a dress?

Rommie:
Good heavens! What kind of dinner parties have you been to?

Harper:
Interplanetary pitchman, Seamus Harper.

Beka:
I'm sorry. Was that Seamus or "Shameless" Harper?

Tyr:
I think that's the most pathetic and ill-planned excuse for an assassination I've ever seen. And... I speak as one who has had some... slight... experience in these matters.

Yau:
Assassins have been known to be eccentric.

Harper:
Not Tyr. Err, overbearing, self-righteous, vain, vicious, brutal, way too serious and a little big, but eccentric? No.

Beka:
Hey, I read the first officer's job description. 'Playing Devil's Advocate' - it's on page three.

Rommie:
What is it Rev Bem always says? The universe doesn't always give you what you want. It gives you what you need.

Harper:
[Regarding a list of much-needed but expensive parts for the Andromeda] OK, I can get most of this stuff, but we'll have to rig for a quick getaway.

Rev:
Harper -

Dylan:
Harper, we're not gonna steal anything.

Rev:
Thank you.

Tyr:
Well, what would you suggest?

Dylan:
There's an old Earth custom, Tyr. It's called a garage sale.

Tyr:
What's a garage?

Thug:
C'mon baby, gimme some sugar. [Beka extends a forcelance] What the hell is that?

Beka:
Sugarcane.

Beka:
Trance, do not let him buy you off with a backrub. This is Sam Profit we're dealing with.

Trance:
I think you're just cranky from the gravity. Why don't you just think of it as a way of decreasing his corporate resources? [to the masseur] Now, let's start with the tail.

Sid:
Tell me about Ignatius. I..I'm really sorry that I missed his funeral.

Beka:
You didn't miss much. "Eject cargo pod: Yes/No"

Tyr:
I wish you would stop looking for beauty in things that want to kill us.

Sid:
Flash. It's the ultimate edge. You'll love it. 5 milligrams today, 5 milligrams tomorrow, and the next day you will be selling your first born for just 1 milligram more.

Tyr:
I think it's quite possible she may have taken advantage of your generosity and gone back into business for herself.

Dylan:
Because that's what you would do?

Tyr:
Not after warning you.

Sid:
My feeling is that when it comes to destroying evidence, nothing beats a sun.

Harper:
I really should shave those little hairs off the back of my neck.

Rev:
I've discovered something disturbing about Lt. Pearce.

Harper:
What, that she's a psychotic android with a grudge?

Rev:
I was going to say that she's not on the crew manifest.

Beka:
You missed Tyr's cavalry act.

Tyr:
They were playing Wagner. It's the most fun I've had in about six months.

Tyr:
I'll teach you rule Number 1. You never aim a gun at someone unless you intend to use it.

Hanno:
Be careful. I might live up to your expectations.

Tyr:
Or, you might not live at all.

Beka:
Your entire crew has an ulterior motive. Rev Bem wants to use your Commonwealth to spread his faith. Harper is in lust with your ship. Tyr is always plotting something, and God only knows what the purple one is up to. Does it really surprise you to find out that I'm no different?

Tyr:
These aren't the old days.

Dylan:
Not yet, but I'm working on it.

Beka:
So, what's the verdict?

Tyr:
He's dead.

Beka:
Yeah, I meant what killed him?

Tyr:
What didn't kill him? We've got stab wounds, laser and radiation burns, this appears to be some sort of residual neurotoxin. And these pinpoint wounds, I've never seen anything like them.

Beka:
Weird. Perseids can be annoying, but this is just ridiculous.

Rommie:
Harper, I had no idea you were such a cunning linguist.

Rev:
You need the one thing that all of your knowledge cannot provide... Wisdom.

Harper:
Wisdom. Great. Show me the yellow brick road, Mr Wizard. How do I get wisdom?

Rev:
Let go, Harper. Let go. Give over to The Divine. All that you are. All that you have. Including your pain. Calm your breath. Repeat. My pain belongs to the divine. It is like air. It is like water.

Harper:
My pain belongs to the divine. It is like the air. It is like the water.

Rev:
Good. Again.

Harper:
My pain belongs to the divine. It is like air. It is like water. It's like a freakin' freight train running through my brain. You sure this works?

Rev:
Harper. Think of hunger. Think what is must be like to go days, even weeks without food. Now, imagine what it would be like to know that in the midst of that starvation, you could eat, feast, satiate your hunger. But only by killing the people that you love. That is my pain. It is with me each day. My pain belongs to the Divine. It is like air. It is like water.

Dylan:
Where am I?

Lawyer:
Confess.

Dylan:
I confess, I don't know where I am.

Becca:
Um...Where'd you get all the candles?

Tyr:
I rendered them from the fat of my enemies.

Becca:
Can't wait to see the entree.

Becca:
Wow. Quite a renaissance man, Tyr. Gourmet chef, mercenary killer...

Tyr:
I took it up because a former employer of mine appreciated fine dining. When he refused to pay me for one of my jobs, I prepared him a Tirimisu laced with Strychnine. As I recall, he quite enjoyed it...for precisely twelve seconds.

Trance:
Umm, hi, guys, this is Trance. Umm, I just... You know how sometimes things happen that you can't quite predict and sometimes they're good and sometimes they're not, well, this is one of those "not" times. Help.

Dylan:
People are dying. We have to do something.

Gaharis:
Fine. Then lets find Ferrin and put one [bullet] through his head. Problem solved.

Dylan:
You see, this is why I am in charge.

Lawyer:
In light of his mercy, do you have anything to say to us?

Dylan:
I think we're all a little tired of my name, rank, and serial number.

Trance:
There are all kinds of futures! I can...anyone can forsee any number of possibilities, all of which are constantly diverging. Contingencies arise, imperatives vanish, and all the while we tread our way through chaotic uncertainty never knowing which of hundreds of possible realities we'll find ourselves in.

Dylan:
Trance. Which way?

Trance:
Left.

Trance:
There are 1,342,063 others [possible futures] and some of them, some of them are really great. There's even the mathematical possibility that everything will turn out perfectly.

Dylan:
Can you control that?

Trance:
No. Life is chaos. Chaos is life. Control is an illusion.

Dylan:
[Reading from Trance's report about the mission] "I looked for you, I found out where you were, I traveled to where you were, and I got you out." That's your entire report?

Trance:
You wanted something more?

Trance:
That's the thing about guessing - 90% of the time it's 50/50.

Beka:
So, what you're saying is that you randomly chose a bunch of human female features, you mixed them all up, and this was the first face that you came up with?

Rommie:
I may have experimented with a few options.

Beka:
Define "a few".

Rommie:
170,894

Beka:
I KNEW IT!!

HG:
What is it you humans say? Take me to your leader.

Rommie/HG:
VX, I have learned many things from interfacing with humans. Including one particulary useful phrase. "Go To Hell".

Gerentex:
[to Trance] Aren't you dead?

Trance:
I got better.

Gerentex:
Huh. Lucky you.

Gerentex:
There are two kinds of people in this universe, Mr Harper. The kind with loaded guns and the kind who open doors. You open doors.

Trance:
When you think about it, beautiful things can change the universe.

Rev:
As Harper would say, "that would suck."

Dylan:
You know, Rev, there are some words that should never trip across the tongue of a Magog, and "suck" is one of them.

Rev:
I'll make a note of that.

Rev:
Give me the strength to follow the path. To give and not to count the cost. To struggle, and not to heed the wounds. I am the darkness become the light. I am the darkness become truth. I am the darkness become The Way.

Slaver:
Wayists and their Books

Slaver:
The Talmud, the Bible and the Lancer Counter-insurgency Manual on the same shelf. Very eclectic

Rev:
We saved paradise, by introducing the serpent.

Dylan:
I gave my word to your pride. My word is the foundation of the Commonwealth.

Elssbett:
I have never met anyone who thought like that... Probably because the universe kills them before they can reproduce.

Beka:
So, why is it, whenever anyone goes on a suicide mission, they take my ship?

Dylan:
Because it has seatbelts.

Elssbett:
After the way I've treated you, how can you care what happens to me?

Dylan:
I care because I'm human.

Elssbett:
You're starting a war.

Dylan:
No, you are starting a war. I'm just re-arranging the sides.

Tyr:
Love is merely a trick the DNA plays to replicate itself.

Dylan:
Well, here's the happy groom now. I feel like I should have prepared a toast.

Beka:
I think I've got one: Here's to Gabriel. Be nice to Rommie, or I'll rip your head off.

Rommie:
I killed him, Dylan. I loved him, and I killed him. [Crying]

Dylan:
You had no choice.

Rommie:
No, I didn't. Because I'm a warship, and warships only know how to do one thing, and that's kill. We don't have hearts. We don't have empathy. We're killers. We're attack dogs. And I'm afraid. The Balance of Judgment went insane, the Pax Magellanic went insane, and I don't want that to happen to me.

Dylan:
You're forgetting something. The Balance of Judgment had no captain, no crew. The Pax lost her captain. Why do you think warships have captains in the first place? I'm your heart, Rommie. I always will be.

Rommie:
[Calming Down a bit] These physical reactions. I didn't know Harper was so good.

Dylan:
The Commonwealth needs you, Andromeda. The crew needs you. I need you. So, permission to chop yourself into pieces is officially denied.

Tyr:
No one's reached Tarn-Vedra in 300 years, and better pilots than you have died trying.

Beka:
There are no better pilots than me.

Rev:
If the universe is a manifestation of the Divine, could not the slipstream be the very mind of God?

Dylan:
Well, if that's the case, then I'm afraid God had a seizure and forgot all about Tarn-Vedra.

Beka:
And here comes God's little brain surgeon.

Harper:
Did you know that 82% of people on prison planets are Flash addicts?

Beka:
Y'know what? They tell you that kind of stuff just to scare you.

Harper:
Sure, to scare you out of killing your neighbors.

Beka:
Is that an order, Captain? My Captain? Oh, I forget. Actually, you're not a real Captain, are you? There's no High Guard. There's no commissioned officers. Who around here is an actual Captain? Don't, don't, don't tell me. Let me guess. It's coming to me, It's coming to me. Let's see, that would be ME.

Trance:
Sometimes you just have to allow people to make the mistakes they need to make.

Harper:
We needed a Plan B. You always have a Plan B.

Dylan:
Yes, but my Plan Bs work.

Dylan:
It's a little-known law of thermodynamics - The Conservation of Optimism - there's only so much to go around.

Beka:
In that case, it's simple - lower your expectations.

Dylan:
You're right. I officially declare this glass 12% full.

Beka:
That's the spirit.

Harper:
This is the engineer. You may have noticed the lack of a sudden drop in environmental pressure. Though this is a good thing, it, err, may not last, so enjoy the oxygen while you can.

Tyr:
Harper, what's going on?

Harper:
I don't know. I mean, umm, my current theory is that... somehow... an older version of Andromeda's personality profile may have been reactivated and is now taking over the ship.

Dylan:
How did you figure that out?

Harper:
I think the key thing right now is to repair the problem. We can worry about minor details like assigning blame later.

Dylan:
Do you regret it? Signing aboard with me?

Beka:
Risking my life? Battling Nietzscheans and Restors and Magog and half the lunatics in the galaxy? All for a cause that's been dead for over 300 years? I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Dylan:
Beka, I may not make it.

Beka:
Don't be ridiculous. You're too stubborn to die. We all know that.

Dylan:
To hell with the odds. All that matters in life is that we try. Promise you'll try.

Tyr:
Where there is life, there is hope!