Archer, Season 5

Sterling Archer:
[To Lana] But the point is we are highly trained covert operatives who am extremely dangerous set of skills. [To Pam] PAM! LEG!. [Back To Lana] Since the government has unjustly accused us of treason. We are now forced to transfer those skills from Espionage to criminal activity. Kind of like the A-Team but we sell drugs.

Malory:
Amphetamines?!

Pam:
Right? And I know it sounds crazy, but I like them as much as cocaine!

Krieger:
[seeing the Yakuza at the door on a monitor] Hey, so, did somebody order Chinese?

Malory They're Japanese, you idiot!

Krieger:
[to his virtual girlfriend] Oh, for... I don't get all pissy every time you mistake a Dutchman for a Swede! Either time that happened!

Malory:
Well, what did he say?

Pam:
Well, he's not happy, obviously, and he wants his drugs back, and that guy who sold 'em to me's not gonna be playing the violin any time soon.

Archer:
Because?

Pam:
Because a violin would probably dissolve in the same big drum of acid they dissolved that guy in.

Everyone else:
Ew!

Lana:
But if all Moto wants is his drugs...

Malory:
Then he can give us a refund.

Lana:
Of worthless counterfeit money?

Cyril:
It's not exactly worthless. The right buyer would probably pay about 15 cents on the dollar for it.

Malory:
What?! Why didn't you say that?!

Cyril:
Uh, I don't know. I assumed you knew.

Ron:
Everybody knows that.

Cheryl:
$1 million! Yes, real dollars. Duh, look at my house. I bet I got rugs worth a... Ugh! Fine, $2 million. Okay, $5 million. Fine, $10 million! $50 million! A jillion million! Jesus! Be more gross and Chinese-y!

[Hangs up. Archer plays the Price Is Right losing horn on his phone]

Archer:
Been waiting forever to use that.

Lana:
Okay, listen up, there are way too many windows and doors to cover, so we need to concentrate on chokepoints. [Cheryl excitedly laughs] Not that kind of chokepoints.

Malory:
[handing Ron a rifle] Here.

Ron:
Noop

Malory:
What do you mean, "noop"? Take it!

Ron:
Woman, I am not getting in a shootout with the goddamn Yakuza because you people decided to steal their drugs!

Malory:
Well, I support you in your work! Not that you ever do any, but...

Ron:
If you were honest with yourself, you would realize I have been incredibly supportive of you! Get arrested for treason, I stand by you; become a drug dealer, I stand by you. Oh-oh-oh! And you don't seem to mind driving around in a new Cadillac, do you?

Malory:
A floor model.

Ron:
Next time, remind me to get shot in the head.

Archer:
Ron, next time, get shot in the head.

Lana:
What are you eating?

Pam:
Yogurt.

Malory:
[snatching spoon] Give me that! Lick it.

Archer:
Well, can't unhear that. [Takes lick from spoon] Holy shit, yogurt is amazing! Why have I never tried yogurt?

Lana:
How have you never tried yogurt?

Archer:
Mmm, I didn't know it was that good.

Malory:
It's good because it's cocaine!

Archer:
Oh, my God, and little kids eat it?

Cheryl:
[as Pam carries her off] This is only somewhat like that old Gypsy woman said!

Cyril:
How do you not know the different kinds of porn?

Archer:
Because I have sex with actual women, Cyril! My girlfriend's not equal parts the Internet, a tube of Kentucky jelly, self-loathing and a sock

Cyril:
What do crocodiles eat?

Archer:
EVERYTHING! THEY EAT EVERYTHING! And fear is their bacon bits!

Archer:
Goddammit, how are we not doing "phrasing"?!