Being Human, Series 3

George:
Is it soundproof? It's just, um, I can get pretty.. "Rarr! Rarr!".. when I'm working out. "Feel the burn", "Who's your daddy?"... "Say what you see..."

Nina:
Oh god.

Mitchell:
Annie was there. She was on the screen.

George:
What? You're kidding?

Nina:
Is she okay? What did she say?

Mitchell:
We're running out of time.

[Estate agent looks at them.]

George:
Um, it's our friend, she's er...she's in... Midsummer Murders.

Nina:
[In lingerie, with a new haircut, to George] Ahem... What do you think?

[George looks shocked and then excited]

Nina:
Mm? I had a little left over from the food shop, and I thought it might be nice to have something for y'know, us. Hence... [gestures to hair] and hence... [gestures to lingerie]... It was either that or off-peak gym membership.

George:
You made absolutely the right decision.

Nina:
Really?

[They start kissing]

George:
Ow!

Nina:
What? What? [George tries to get something that was poking him] What is that?

George:
Pen... Hello.

Nina:
Hello.

[They start kissing again]

Nina:
Ow! Hair, stuck, glasses...!

George:
Oh is it? Oh, shit, sorry. Oh hang on, it's really tangled.

Nina:
George! Eee, ow.

George:
Shhh, don't pull away!

Nina:
Quickly!... Oh....

George:
You alright?

Nina:
Yeah, fine.

George:
Right. Where were we?... Hello.

Nina:
Hello...

[They continue kissing... Mitchell bursts in.]

Mitchell:
Have you got a radio?

George:
What?!

Mitchell:
I need a radio. I have an idea. [Mitchell climbs over them to grab the radio on the table next to them]

Nina:
Ow, ow, Mitchell!

George:
What are you doing?!

Mitchell:
Cheers.

Nina:
Just give me a bloody kiss. [She kisses a distracted George] Oh, look, just forget about it.

George:
He's ruined everything!

Nina:
Another night.

Mitchell:
Have we met before?

Lia:
H-12

Mitchell:
H-12? What does that mean?

Lia:
It's a riddle. I love riddles, don't you? Like the one about the midget. So, there's this midget who gets into a lift and- I've just given away the answer. Am I rambling?

Mitchell:
I'm not a victim.

Lia:
So you're what? What? "Misunderstood"?

Mitchell:
I'm an animal! I don't deserve mercy or forgiveness! I'm a murderer! I couldn't help myself; I loved it. The sensation, the power... I was dead but I never felt so alive. I wasn't human anymore. I lost my conscience, I was free, and that's what I was addicted to. I hacked my way through the world... I left a trail of blood, a thousand miles long... and I loved it. I'm a disease. I'm a plague. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Lia:
You can have Annie back. But there's a price.

Mitchell:
I'll stay. I want you to take me to all my victims. I want to feel it. I want to suffer. I don't want to hide anymore. I just want her back.

Lia:
It's not that simple. The time and cause of your death have already been set. But there are things that need to happen first. You see, you're the final piece in someone else's story. And they need to complete their journey and in order to do that... they have to kill you.

Mitchell:
What?

Lia:
You're gonna be killed by a werewolf. A wolf-shaped bullet. Bang!

Mitchell:
Who?

Annie:
And, um, will I come back here one day?

Lia:
Well. We all end up here eventually. The problem with you was you came through the wrong door. But next time you'll come through the right one and it'll be Boggle and Pina Coladas 24-7. Spit spot! Mitchell's waiting. Is anything going on between you guys? I mean he came to purgatory to find you. Puts my ex-boyfriend's tattoo into perspective.

Annie:
My name is Annie Clare Sawyer and two years ago I died. But in so many ways, that's when my life began. In the company of horrors, I learned about friendship and loyalty, sacrifice and courage. Humanity isn't a species, it's a state of mind. It can't be defeated, it moves mountains, it saves souls. We were blessed as much as we were cursed. In this little enclave of the lost I witnessed the very best of being human.

Nina:
[after chasing Adam through the hospital] And where do you think you're going?

Adam:
Oh... I thought I'd try my luck in Haematology.

George:
Home sweet home.

Adam:
It's a shit hole.

George:
Yes, but it's our shit hole so show some manners.

Adam:
Mitchell? Is that another ghost? A bloody Hogwart's, this place.

Annie:
Tell her how much you enjoy the work.

Mitchell:
Oh, this is... ah...

Annie:
That you were inspired by Florence Nightingale to bring cleanliness to the wards.

Mitchell:
Oh, god-

Annie:
Don't say God, she might be religious.

Mitchell:
Shit!

Annie:
God is better.

Mitchell:
It isn't a complicated job! I've done it before, I can do it again. What more is there to say?! Oh.

Nita Mawulawde (who cannot hear or see Annie):
I don't think there's anything more to say.

Richard:
So this is what all the fuss is about. You know, I expected some demon. What do I find? The last Russell Brand in the shop.

Adam:
I think you need a new wingman. I, sir, am a registered poon hound.

George:
Have you ever actually had sex, Adam? You know, proper, balls-deep sex? You touched a boob? Be honest with me, Adam. have you ever even touched a boob? Because I have! Loads!

George:
I'm sure he'll settle right in there. I mean they do have a massive telly.

Nina:
Oof. Ginormous.

George:
The whole house, it was furnished to the highest standards.

Nina:
Yeah. And so clean.

George:
It was immaculate. I mean, Richard and Emma themselves were slightly, what? Eccentric perhaps...

Nina:
I'd go for "unreconstructed."

George:
Really?

Nina:
Yeah.

George:
Would you?

Nina:
Mm.

George:
And, well... kinky.

Nina:
Filthy. Just arseholes.

George:
A pair of complete and utter kinked-up, filthy racist arseholes.

Nina:
We've just left a vulnerable young boy with a pair of, not only instinctive killers, but heinous pervs.

George:
Do you realize I'm zipping my coat up and going back there.

Nina:
Yeah. And I'm going with you.

Richard:
You come in here with your ridiculous blunt morality and you understand nothing of his world, nothing of his needs! Tell you what, let's leave it to Adam, eh? So Adam, what's it to be? A life of comfort, privilege and all the pleasures that a young man could ever dream of. Or hardship, desperation and hunger.

Adam:
I choose them.

George:
You may need to be a bit more specific.

Adam:
Oh, yeah, I mean you. George and Nina, I choose you.

George:
What have we got?

Mitchell:
A drunk, dead woman. Shouting.

George:
That's not a ghost. I can smell her.

Mitchell:
What, from here?

George:
Oh yeah. Even without the whole wolf thing.

Annie:
Well of course you can smell her. She's got a body! [they look at her] I'm sure I mentioned that.

Mitchell:
So what do we call you?

Sasha:
Anything you like, sweetheart. [Annie yanks her hair with the straighteners]

Annie:
Oh! Oh, sorry. Look, you got caught there. Caught a bit of your hair, sorry.

Sasha:
Don't worry, babe. I can tell you're not used to a beauty regime.

[repeated line]

George:
I only got up for a pee!

Mitchell:
I don't think it was just Sasha. There's four subject sheets here. All came back to life, all at the same time. I think they were testing them. Trying to find out what they were, how they worked, if it could spread. I think they were scared.

Annie:
[staring in horror at footage on a digital camera of a conscious, screaming zombie being dissected by surgeons] I know the feeling. Did it say anything about anesthetic in there?

Mitchell:
Yeah. "Anesthetic ineffective." How did you know?

Annie:
They did it anyway. What did they do with them afterwards?

Mitchell:
[slowly realising the extent of the situation] Incinerated them... as a health hazard.

Annie:
Were they still alive, when they burned them?

Mitchell:
We owe her, George.

George:
We owe her? Why do we owe her?

Mitchell:
She came back to life two weeks ago. All of them did, when I was on the other side.

Annie:
Saving me.

Nina:
So. Hang on, what are we saying? That Death's Door was engaged?

Annie:
Her spirit couldn't pass over because of me.

Mitchell:
We made her. We owe her, all of us do.

Sasha:
It all falls away. The looks, money. Lovers, friends.

Annie:
Not all your friends.

Sasha:
No. Not all your friends. And the ones that are there at the end, they're the real ones, aren't they?

Annie:
Yeah. Yeah.

Sasha:
Thank you. For being my friend Annie...

Nina:
George, would you like... to have... a little... hairy baby with me?

McNair:
Do you know what you're doing?

Nina:
I'm a nurse. We need to get him to the hospital.

McNair:
I can stitch that back up at the truck. Come on, Tom. You can walk.

Nina:
What, in the tetanus mobile? Are you kidding?

McNair:
You know what I don't understand? Is what a clean and kind girl like you is doing with a vampire.

Annie:
How did you know?!

McNair:
I see things. Live the life we do, pays to know who's safe and who's a threat.

Annie:
Look. My first boyfriend took naked photos of me while I was asleep and put them on the internet. My second boyfriend got drunk and asked my mum for a threesome. My third boyfriend pushed me down the stairs and killed me. So I think a vampire's pretty much... marriage material, given my track record.

George:
How come we didn't tear each other apart?

Annie:
Well, it was really quite sweet actually. I mean after the wolves finished trying to kill Mitchell, George just kind of padded around you all protective. And then the other two stayed on the other side kind of wrestling around and marking their territory.

McNair:
Maybe they are your pack.

Tom:
I think they've got their own pack. No - Limehead in Cornwall's where I want to go.

McNair:
You can take the truck. I'll be all right.

Tom:
We still need to find a distributor cap. Plus you need to teach me how to drive.

[regarding Herrick]

George:
Mitchell! What are we going to do.

Mitchell:
Stake him. [he runs out of the room]

Nina:
What did he say?

Nina:
You arrive late. Bombed on bloody Red Bull. Talking a load of inconsequential guff about Druids and kitchen units. And now you accuse me of... of what? Fraudulently inventing a vulnerable relative just to cover up the fact that you've deleted his records!

Wendy:
I didn't delete a-

Nina:
Doorstepped by the tabloids is gonna seem like a walk in the park when I'm done with you. What's your manager's number, Wendy? I am gonna unleash a shitstorm!

George:
You're the best friend I've ever had. And probably ever will have. But I will turn my back on you. I will wipe you from my memory and I will never mention your name again. I will never tell my son or daughter that I had a friend called Mitchell. It will be as if we'd never met. That's it. Now you make your choice.

Herrick:
Give me a clue, little lady, chuck me a bone. What are you?

Annie:
What am I? On to you, that's what I am. I'm on to you, little man.

Herrick:
You know the Old Ones, they kill at will. But they don't recruit lightly. In fact, most of them only do it once. They choose a protège. It's an eternal bond.

Mitchell:
I don't need a protège.

Herrick:
It isn't always about you. Why do you think some of us live forever and others are like... fireflies?

Mitchell:
Because some of us are smart and some of us are stupid.

Herrick:
If you choose an heir, they inherit all your secrets. They become a dark angel. Your protector. Your savior.

Mitchell:
Savior from what?

Herrick:
Oh. Perhaps a fate we've been led to belief there is no salvation from.

Mitchell:
So... if something happens to you...

Herrick:
They can bring you back.

Mitchell:
And that's possible?

Herrick:
That and so much more.

Mitchell:
So you want me to be your heir?

Nina:
Hello.

George:
I like watching you sleep. I look at you and I think, "She's mine. She's all mine."

Nina:
Hm. That's sweet. Creepy and slightly Ted Bundy-esque. But sweet.

George, Sr.:
George? My god. I don't, I can't- I don't dare believe it. My god, George. I thought you were dead. I thought I'd never see you again. I hoped... I prayed. I dreamt, but I never actually- Here you are. You've come back. You've come back to me. Say something to your old man.

George:
I've missed you, Dad.

Mitchell:
Annie, can we just forget about it?

Annie:
Forget about it? Someone is trying to link you to the murder of twenty innocent people, Mitchell.

Mitchell:
You heard what she said, it's probably nothing.

Annie:
And I might believe that, if you weren't so shaken by it.

Mitchell:
What? No I'm not.

Annie:
I know you, Mitchell.

DC Nancy Reed:
I saw those men and women. Or... what was left of them. All I want to do is help catch the bastard that butchered them.

Cooper:
And you will, Nancy. You will.

George, Sr.:
Ruth. Ruth, I need you to listen to me.

Nina:
That's much better. That's great. Very strong, very focused.

George, Sr.:
I'm the one you should be with.

Nina:
Brilliant!

George, Sr.:
And the reasons for this are three-fold -

Nina:
Oh, again with the three-fold!

George:
Dad, you're not trying to secure her vote for the local election. We need to nail this.

George, Sr.:
I'm gonna fly, Jack! I'm gonna fly!

Nina:
Did your dad just misquote Titanic ?

George:
Yeah. Just... don't ask.

Cooper:
So match one: Sheffield. Sally Fenzer. Severe head trauma. Body found by her flatmate.

Nancy:
Jesus, he's done this before?

Cooper:
Check the date.

Annie:
We really shouldn't be here.

Nancy:
Twenty-fourth of December... nineteen sixty?

Annie:
He used to be a very very different person.

Nancy:
There's no way whoever did this could just have the same prints as my guy?

Cooper:
Impossible.

Nancy Shit. Hang on, you said there were two matches with his. What was the second?

Cooper:
Box Tunnel Massacre.

Cooper:
Don't worry. This isn't how you're going to die. I just needed to make you a little more receptive. See I'm going to give you a gift. You've been head-hunted, Nancy, for an exciting new opportunity. Think of it as evolutionary promotion.

[Annie stakes him from behind]

Annie:
She's not interested.

Herrick:
I have something of a dilemma, Nina. Perhaps you can help me.

Nina:
Christ, you made me jump. What the hell happened here? And why are you wearing that?

Herrick:
See the thing is, your boyfriend tore me-literally-limb from limb. Now, aside from anything else, have you ever heard of anything so... undignified? [chuckles, then puts his hand over Nina's mouth before she can shout for help] But the pain... was incredible. And I remember every moment. And so now, not unreasonably I think you'll agree, I want him to suffer. But not for moments. For days, weeks... months. And the best way of doing that, um, is to kill you. Here's my dilemma. You were kind to me. Everyone else in the house wanted me dead. Except for you... It's a knotty one, isn't it?

Herrick:
You're right. My quarrel is not with you. [he leaves, Nina gasps in relief and turns away to lean on the sink for support... and then Herrick quickly returns]. But then people would say I was going soft. [stabs Nina in the kidney]

Annie:
Lia, what's going on? You told me that I had to come straight here. That Mitchell was in danger.

Lia:
Oh Annie. I made it up.

Annie:
You made it up?

Lia:
On the spot. I just wanted to screw with Mitchell's head. "The Wolf-Shaped Bullet."

Annie:
But why?

Lia:
Well, I wanted to drive a wedge between him and George and Nina. But instead of getting suspicious of them he got all worked up about the other two. Tom and... What was it? McIntyre? Macintosh? Well. Whatever. Oh Annie, you didn't really believe it, did you? I can't control people. I can't see the future. You've been watching too much TV.

Annie:
If there's no prophecy, then why is this happening?

Lia:
Well what you really need to worry about is the self-fulfilling prophecy. Annie. He made it come true. There really is a wolf-shaped bullet. That he carved his name on.

George:
He killed my Nina. And you killed all those people. You don't say my name now. You don't even look at me now. You are not my friend. You better go. Your boss is waiting.

Annie:
This is all just one big game to you, isn't it?

Lia:
This wasn't a game! This is revenge! He killed me. Let me tell you something about revenge. It isn't petulant or being a sore loser. It's righteous. A game ? F*** you. This is what needs to happen. Revenge is about setting the world straight again.

Annie:
It didn't work though, did it?

Lia:
Well I've still got you and I've still got him grief-stricken without you.

Annie:
I don't know who that man is. But I doubt you'll get much in the way of grief-stricken from him.

Mitchell:
You were the love of my long life.

Annie:
And you were the love of mine.

Wyndham:
[from outside] One, two, buckle my shoe; three, four, knock at the door; five, six, put down sticks!

Wyndham:
This is what is going to happen. Mitchell, you're coming with me. I think you're going to come in useful one day so this... martyrdom isn't an option.

Mitchell [almost sobbing in despair]:
No. No, please, I don't want that. This, this has to be the end.

Wyndam:
Sorry. You're going to dance for me. You are going to kill and rampage. [to Mitchell] You are going to be my attack dog. And the day that you say no is the day that I crucify George and Nina. In Regents Park. [grins] What about the rest of you? What about... Annie? Now, I think you're more powerful than you imagine so I'm going to keep you around. Besides, [whispers to Annie] there are going to be a lot more ghosts soon. [to George and Nina] And then there are the history makers. A werewolf impregnated by another werewolf. We've never seen the like. The others want you culled - I'm the curious type. I want to see exactly what it is that's going to pop out. But there's something I want you to do in return. I want you to pass on a message. To every werewolf, every ghost, every vampire that you meet. You tell them this: the world is under new management now. It is year dot. You tell them this. The age of the vampires has begun.

[George picks up the dropped stake from earlier and aims it at Wyndham]

Wyndham:
Oh, George... [raises eyebrow] Really?

[George draws back his hand... then spins round rapidly and rams the stake into Mitchell]

George:
[to Mitchell] I'm doing this because I love you.

Mitchell:
I know.

[Mitchell smiles peacefully, then slowly turns to dust and crumbles apart. George, Nina and Annie cluster together and turn to face Wyndham.]

George:
[to Wyndham] I think you've got a fight on your hands.