Charmed, Season 7

Phoebe:
Okay, you two! Stop it right now! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! (Paige and Phoebe pull leo and Piper apart) You go over there, you over... here. (Piper slaps Phoebe with her many hands) And keep your hands to yourself!

Piper:
But you're interrupting us.

Phoebe:
And saving life as we know it.

Leo:
What are you talking about?

Paige:
Look at your outfit. Does that look like something you normally wear?

Leo:
Well, no.

Paige:
Exactly. This is not the first time we have been hijacked by gods. So you just have to fight it.

Leo:
I don't want to fight it. I haven't felt this potent in years.

Phoebe:
Ew! Over sharing.

Piper:
How is his rash? Did he need oilment?

Paige:
I don't know, I've been kind of procrastinating on that one. It's not my favourite thing to check.

Piper:
Why? You don't have a problem checking Wyatt

Paige:
Yeah, that's because I don't flash foward to Wyatt being twenty-two like I do with Chris

Piper:
Yeah!... Right!... Ew!

Paige:
This is Godiva.

Piper:
Godiva?!

Paige:
As in... lady Godiva. In the flesh, so to speak.

Piper:
PLEASE, don't tell me you've been vanquishing demons with the children.

Leo:
Well, Chris was fussy. It calmed him.

Paige:
It's okay, it's just a graze.

Phoebe:
I still can't believe an Elder attacked you.

Paige:
: I know, they're supposed to be pacifists, right?

Piper:
Have you seen Leo lately? Speaking of which. Leo!

Paige:
He's a little mad at me and I can't say I blame him. I did kind of mess things up.

Phoebe:
Well, that doesn't explain why he tried to kill you.

Lady Godiva:
Pardon me.

Paige:
I think the demon did something to the Elder, got him to free up his repressed anger somehow.

Phoebe:
Oh, probably wasn't breast fed as a child.

Piper:
Phoebe.

Phoebe What?

Paige:
Well, either way, we wouldn't even be in this situation, this demon wouldn't even be here if I hadn't have had the great stroke of genius to try to save school.

Phoebe:
So why do you think he tried to kill her?

Lady Godiva:
If I could just...

Paige:
Maybe he knew what I didn't know. Which is that since they came together, they have to leave together.

Phoebe:
Yeah, but why wouldn't he want to go back?

Lady Godiva:
If you would just listen to me.

(She removes the robe she was wearing. Piper, Phoebe and Paige look away.)

Phoebe:
Oh!

Piper:
Wow!

Lady Godiva:
Which is apparently still the only way I can get anybody to listen to me.

Piper:
Woman, keep your clothes on, this is a family show. Really.

Grams:
Not a good time, girls. I'm busy.

Paige:
You're dead.

Grams:
Well, it doesn't mean I can't have a life.

Piper:
Leo!

Leo:
Oh, hi sweetie, how are you?

Piper:
Don't you sweetie me! Where are the boys?

Paige:
Do I look like a ma'am to you?

Piper:
Paige, you're obsessing.

Paige:
You're damn right I'm obsessing! I am far too young to be old!

Piper:
I think I found something.

Paige:
Huh?

Piper:
I said I think I found something. What, are you deaf now too?

Paige:
Well, you're gonna go deaf first. Don't forget, you're the older sister.

Piper:
Yeah, I love you too.

Phoebe:
Yo-ho, hello.

Piper:
Did you just call me a hoe?

Paige:
(sticks sword through First Mate.)

First Mate:
(turns to Captain and hands him knife, then turns to other pirate) Do you mind?

Other Pirate:
(pulls out sword)

Paige:
Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Captain:
He wishes.

Piper:
How'd you get here?

Phoebe:
A pirate never betrays his secrecy (Piper looks confused) Leo orbed me.

Piper:
(reading letter) Captain Black Jack Cutting formally invites you to Treasure Island.

Phoebe:
I can't answer it now, what am I gonna say? We're robbing a museum?

Paige:
Stop yelling at Death!

Piper:
I'm not doing this anymore. I give up. I quit.

Angel of Death:
You can't quit, Piper. Not until you catch up.

Piper:
You can't make me take my sister's soul. I won't do it.

Angel of Death:
We don't get to decide who lives or dies. Any circumstances can change someone's fate

Piper:
Well, then, I won't collect anymore souls. I'll go on strike.

Angel of Death:
So, to save your sister you would threaten to stop all death.

Piper:
You got it.

Angel of Death:
That's rather selfish of you, don't you think? Unless, of course, you think that death is pointless.

Piper:
Well, I...

Angel of Death:
It's not, you know. Far from it. Life only has meaning specifically because there is an end. Death is what forces people to live.

Piper:
Yes, but...

Angel of Death:
Which means ending death effectively ends life, throws off the entire cosmic design, the whole point, and for what? A single fleeting life. This is bigger than your sister, Piper. Much bigger.

Paige:
This isn't good, right?

Piper:
I'm so sorry, Paige. It's much easier if you just let go.

Paige:
Piper. I have something to tell you.

Piper:
Paige...

Paige:
You know that brown suede coat? You thought you lost it but, um, it's in my closet. And those earrings you liked. I borrowed them and I never gave them back.

Piper:
You're stalling.

Paige:
I know. But you can't blame a girl for trying.

Seer:
Hello?! I'm a seer. I knew that was coming

Phoebe:
Oh. Any idea what this meeting's all about?

Paige:
Oh, probably something to do with the kids.

Phoebe:
Why? Did something happen?

Paige:
Oh, I'm sure they've gotten kidnapped by the latest demon or something.

Phoebe:
Paige, that is so not funny.

Paige:
You got so emotional when you're PMS-ed.

Phoebe:
And you got mean.

Paige:
I do not got mean. I'm above it all. Nothing happens to me.

Piper:
All righty than.

Phoebe:
Oh, right, nothing happens to you. You're above it all.

Paige:
Fine, I get a little jumpy.

Piper:
And I get a little pissy, so watch it.

Phoebe and Paige:
We know.

Paige:
The good news is we all get over it at the same time.

Piper:
As long as we don't kill each other in the process, which brings me to what we need to talk about.

Paige:
Ah, that sounds serious. That calls for ice cream with three spoons.

Phoebe:
Ah-ah-ah! Persional gain.

Paige:
I know, but screw it, it's too good.

Piper:
Anyway, I've been wanting to tell you guys something for a while. Um, I just didn't know how to say it.

Phoebe:
Oh my God. Are you pregnet again?

Piper:
No, this is not a good thing. Do you guys remember Zola, the Elder who disappeared?

Paige:
Yeah.

Piper:
Well, he didn't disappear. He was killed. Leo killed him.

Phoebe:
Leo killed him?

Paige:
Heh!

Piper:
It was an accident. He didn't mean to. I mean, he was tricked.

Paige:
You might want to tell that to Zola.

(Piper was upset and blows up chandelier.)

Phoebe and Paige:
Oh!

Leo:
Sorry to interrupt, but I have to tell you something that you're probably not gonna like.

Paige:
Did you kill anybody else? I'm sorry.

Paige:
Definitely a bachelor.

Phoebe:
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!

Piper:
What? Where are the boys?

Phoebe:
The boys are fine. We're not.

Paige:
Keep it down. Hey!

Piper:
Hey, yourself. Look!

Paige:
Oh my God! What happened to him?

Phoebe:
I think we're what happened to him.

Paige:
What are you talking about?

Phoebe:
We're in the cage, that's what I'm talking about. I think we trapped our selves.

Piper:
No, we didn't. Did we?

Phoebe:
I think that dream I had was real.

Paige:
So you're saying, that we, did this to him?

Phoebe:
Do you have a better explanation?

Paige:
That is crazy. (stands up, hits force-field, plops back down)

Phoebe:
As you were saying?

Paige:
Okay. What does this mean? We're demons?

Piper:
No, we didn't turn into demons, Paige.

Phoebe:
We turned into monsters.

Paige:
I know we all get a little testy this time of month, but that's ridiculous.

Piper:
It can't be that, it's gotta be something else

Phoebe:
Like what? The blue moon?

Piper:
We gotta get out of here. This is crazy. Paige, try to orb one of these crystals away.

Paige:
Crystal. Blue moon?

Piper:
They're out of their minds.

Leo:
Still, he's gonna be sent here tomorrow.

Piper:
Well, I hope I don't blow him up.

Leo:
Piper, you can't blow up a whitelighter.

Phoebe:
Why not? She blows you up all the time.

Paige:
Do you think we should put some snacks in the cage?

Phoebe:
Like what, a wildebeast?

Piper:
Please don't say beast.

Paige:
No, I'm just saying we don't know how long we're gonna be in here. What if I get hungry?

Piper:
Well, then we'll have Leo throw us Whitelighter. Don't worry about it.

Paige:
Oh, what happened?

Odin:
You attacked us.

Phoebe:
Oh, really? Then how come I'm the one with the headache?

Odin:
We were forced to defend ourselves.

Phoebe:
What are we doing here?

Paige:
Well, he said for us to meet him here. He needed to talk to us about something important.

Phoebe:
Yeah, but Paige it's a fire.

Paige:
So?

Phoebe:
So we don't do fires. Firemen do fires. We do fireballs

Leo:
So, I don't understand. If I'm in the past...what are you doing here?

Chris:
I'm guiding you.

Leo:
So you're real?

Chris:
No, but I represent something that is. I died in you arms, Dad. Killed by everything that you thought was good. I'm your root pain, okay? And I'm gonna be sticking with you until you're ready to let me go.

Leo:
How will I know when that is?

Chris:
C'mon. Lets check out some parts of your life that you really need to remember

Leo:
Do I have a choice?

Chris:
Hey it's your vision quest. It's up to you. C'mon.

Piper:
Who would shoot a gnome? And why is the G silent?

Paige:
They're dicks.

Kyle:
(giggles) Dicks?

Paige:
No, like private eyes, detectives.

Piper:
Matchmake later, save sister now.

Leo:
(to Phoebe) Try and block her path.

(Inside the book:
Paige and Kyle are walking down the alley. A piano falls in front of them.)

Kyle:
You were saying?

Paige:
Thanks, guys, could you be any less subtle?

Kyle:
Looks like your sisters agree with me.

Paige:
Don't gloat.

Miss Donovan:
Lord of the Rings?

Gnome:
Historically inaccurate.

Miss Donovan:
Harry Potter?

Gnome:
Filled with juvenile delinquents.

Miss Donovan:
Even the Wizard of Oz?

Gnome:
Disparaging to little people. Munchkins being persecuted. Filth!

Paige:
Oh, come on, seriously.

Miss Donovan:
It is the same story with all the books. None of them deserve to be banned.

Gnome:
I suppose you want another naked Godiva riding out of the book again.

Paige:
Is that what this is all about? Godiva?

Miss Donovan:
It's just an excuse and he knows it. He's using it to push his own agenda which is to stifle freedom of speech.

(The gnome shakes his hand and Miss Donovan's mouth seals up.)

Gnome:
Now that's what I call stifling.

Paige:
That is uncalled for. You give her her mouth back now.

(He waves his hand and unseals her mouth.)

Miss Donovan:
Why you little worm. I should...

Gnome:
Little. Did you hear that? She's a size-ist.

(Paige and Kyle are changing into 1930's clothing. Paige is behind a changing screen.)

Kyle:
You turned me into a felon, you know that, right? Breaking and entering, vandalism, theft.

Paige:
It's a fiction story in a fiction world. I highly doubt we're breaking any laws.

Kyle:
It may be a fiction world but those bullets seemed pretty damn real to me.

Paige:
Yeah, well, that's precisely why we need to blend in before those goons come to get us again.

(She reaches out and grabs a dress. She looks at Kyle.)

Paige:
Are you peeking?

Kyle:
No. Are you?

(Paige pulls a face.)

Leo:
Piper, you can't walk out on this.

Piper:
You're right. We should orb.

Phoebe:
Wait. Are you saying that you've been living in our house as an Avatar, and you haven't told us?

Leo:
Look, I'm the same old Leo.

Piper:
Only not. Is this how you went from psycho crazy guy to happy-happy guy? Because you became an Avatar?

Paige:
What? What's going on?

Piper:
Oh, you know, nothing. Your boyfriend tried to kill my husband.

Kyle:
Hey. I let myself in, if that's okay.

Paige:
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Sure. Of course. Hey. How are you?

Kyle:
So, what's going on here?

Paige:
Just scrambling. We've been quite a rule knocking off this demons thanks to the Avatars.

Kyle:
The Avatars?

Paige:
Yeah. They've been great helping us to find these demons.

Kyle:
Are you an Elder?

Zankou:
Hardly.

Zankou:
You said something about the vanquishing potion?

Kyle:
How'd you know about that?

Paige:
I guess so.

Leo:
What about Zankou?

Piper:
I think I know how to find him.

Phoebe:
Will you give me a lift? I wanna make sure I get my last column in.

Paige:
Last column?

Phoebe:
Well yeah. How much advice can a world with no conflict need? I may be out of the job.

Paige:
You okay with that?

Phoebe:
I've got better things to look forward to.

Elise:
Are you leaving us?

Phoebe:
I'm sorry?

Elise:
The grass is greener. Kind of a goodbye column, isn't it?

Phoebe:
No. Not necessarily.

Elise:
Phoebe, I've been doing this a long time, I know how to read between the lines. Come on, talk to me.

Phoebe:
Okay, um... It's just that... Things change. You know what I mean? Life changes.

Elise:
Don't you like a job anymore?

Phoebe:
Of course I do, Elise. I love my job, you know that.

Elise:
But?

Phoebe:
But... Like I said, things change. For the better thou. You'll see.

Elise:
No, I don't understand.

Phoebe:
Um, okay. Have you ever gone through a period in your life, where all you can think about, all you wanna do, is just get away from it?

Elise:
When I was married to my ex. James L. Connors. What a smug.

Phoebe:
Okay, and you were able to move on from him, right? Rebuild your life? Even through at the time you probably felt you couldn't?

Elise:
Yeah.

Phoebe:
Well, it's the same thing. That's what I'm talking about. One door closes and another one opens. Sometimes you just have to take that faith.

Elise:
Phoebe, I don't...

Phoebe:
I promise you Elise. This is gonna be great, for everyone. Otherwise, I won't be doing it.

Elise:
Do what?

Phoebe:
I gotta go.

Elise:
No. Wait. But you...

Phoebe:
Thank you, Elise. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Goodbye, all of my dear beautiful friends! I will see you tomorrow when a bright new sunshining day begins. Michelle, you are the best. Donald! Donald, I gotta tell you... you... you are the man! Greg, I... you know, we never liked each other, didn't we? Oh... that will all change! Until tomorrow, everyone!

Piper:
I was thinking, if we adjust the tracking spell we used to find the Source, it might work on Zankou, considering they were working so closely. Paige? Are you listening?

Paige:
Yeah, that sounds great.

Piper:
Well, it would, if you were listening to me.

Paige:
I'm sorry, it's just a... big change.

Piper:
I know. And you know what? It's okay to be scared.

Leo:
Good. I mean that's normal. You don't want to go around just having it all be glossed over, you know.

Paige:
No. But still... I am happy for him. I mean, he is in a better place. And the thing is, he would really want me to enjoy this new world.

Leo:
Well, he died trying to stop it.

Paige:
Well, that's why I owe it to him to be happy.

Phoebe:
What's the matter Zankou... chicken?

Kyle:
Hello Paige.

Paige:
Kyle?

Kyle:
Careful. That used to mean a lot to me.

Paige:
Is this really you?

Kyle:
In the flesh. More or less.

Paige:
I saw you die.

Kyle:
That's right, you did. But as you know, sometimes it doesn't end there.

Paige:
Are you a whitelighter?

Kyle:
Feels kind of weird.

Drake:
Look, it says I can be vanquished with the Power of Three.

Paige:
(shocked)

Drake:
What?

Paige:
You touched it. You touched the book!

Drake:
Oh my God, so I did. That must mean I'm good! (touches book with elbows, rubs hands all over pages.)

Paige:
(smacks him and gives him a look.) Would you quit it?!

Leo:
It's not the shopping. It's this whole world vacation thing. I just think we should stay here and wait for the Elders decision on me.

Piper:
Absolutely not. That's precisely why we should be going. Look, we're all together, we deserve a vacation. And we're not gonna sit around and wait for the other pattini to drop, so that's that. We're going.

Leo:
But what about the travel and the cost?

Piper:
Oh, for God sakes, Leo! We're orbing.

Leo:
Okay, well, what about Phoebe and Paige?

Piper:
What about them?

Leo:
Well, they made us this big send-off dinner last night.

Piper:
Oh, please. They ordered pizza.

Leo:
Right. And we're not helping with the clean up.

Piper:
Wow, if that's the best you got, you really do need a vacation.

Leo:
But...

Piper:
Arresto! Look, Phoebe and Paige just remade the world. I think they can handle the kitchen. Now, unless you have any more objections...Leaning Tower of Pisa, here we come!

Drake:
Listen, odds are, the Count, he's possessed my body right? And until he's evicted, I got no where to go. Only you can get out... into your body. Even though I'm into your body, I still can't get out.

Phoebe:
I'll come back for you.

Drake:
And listen, if he puts up to big of a fight, all right, you just vanquish my sorry ass! I don't care.

Phoebe:
Okay!

Drake:
But only as a last resort.

Phoebe:
Okay!

Cole:
(To himself) Stubbornness definitely run into this family... (to Piper) You've tried going upstairs twice, out the door three times and through the wall, five...make that six times, but hey, you haven't tried the chimney yet.

Piper:
(turning to Cole) What are you exactly? Ghost? Demon? Poltergist? Nightmare?

Cole:
None of the above.

(Piper has just fallen into a deep coma and is shocked to see Cole. She steps over her body towards him.)

Piper:
I don't know what's worse: the fact that I'm dying, or that apparently, I get to spend my last dying moments on earth with you.

Piper:
Have you gone crazy again?

Phoebe:
I'm feeling a little...

Piper:
Bummed? Yeah, I know. Nina, or Katya I'm assuming, said that it was the first wave of sorrow from the box.

Paige:
I'm not just anybody, okay? I am a Charmed One. I ran Magic School for a year, and I'm a Whitelighter. Hello, triple-threat. Where are you going to find somebody with that kind of experience?

Mitchell:
Good. You can use it to help your next charge.

Paige:
Toast?

Leo:
Yeah, it helps calm the butterflies.

Paige:
You've been a whitelighter for sixty years and toast is what you got for me?

Future Good Wyatt:
Hey, this is Chris? My gosh, he's so small... Hey little brother. Is this before or after he swallowed the marble?

Piper:
Marble? What marble?

Phoebe:
Easy on the future information.

Future Good Wyatt:
Of course, you're right.

Piper:
No, but really...what marble?

Wyatt:
Ok. But, until we find out why magic brought me back, we can at least try and enjoy the moment, right?

Piper:
How do you become such an optimist?

Wyatt:
From you, mom (Paige laughs)

Paige:
Ha!! You must turn over a new leaf on the future...

Piper:
Don't count on it!!

Piper:
Ok, fine! Then you wouldn't mind ID'ing the demon so we can keep you happy and healthy. (Wyatt is reluctant and wants to keep arguing)

Piper:
Don't make me ground you!!

Wyatt:
all right, all right...

Piper:
Are you telling me that our child is evil? again?!!

(Paige, Piper, Phoebe, and Future Wyatt are being attacked by a group of Demons that seem immune to Piper's power)

Future Wyatt:
Enough! (The demons stop) Leave my family alone. (Fires a powerful energy blast that throws the demons back then disintegrates them, overturning other objects in the attic)

Leo:
Are you all right up there? (Piper stares up at Wyatt in amazement)

Piper:
Oh, yeah! We're fine...

Future Evil Wyatt:
(to little Wyatt) You see that book over there? Want you bring it to me? Understand...

Little Wyatt (starts to walk towards the Book. Out from the shadows, Leo steps out and walks over to Little Wyatt.)

Future Evil Wyatt:
Come on, Dad. You don't even have any powers.

Leo:
That's right, I don't.

Future Evil Wyatt:
So what are you gonna do? Take away my cookies?

Leo:
I don't need to do anything. You're gonna stop yourself.

Future Evil Wyatt:
That's what I always loved about you, Dad. Such a boundless optimist.

Leo:
I know you. I'm your father and I know you still have good in your heart.

Future Evil Wyatt:
Now your optimism just sounds pathetic.

Future Evil Wyatt:
Dad, seriously. I don't wanna have to hurt you, but if you get in my way...

Leo:
I don't believe that. (Leo looks at Little Wyatt) You mind if I come over there for a second, Wyatt?

Future Evil Wyatt:
Stay away from him!

Leo:
Is this your Wuvey? Could I see him, please?

Future Evil Wyatt:
Get away from him now or I'll kill you!

Leo:
I don't think you will (stands up)

Future Evil Wyatt:
I told you to stop.

Leo:
I was there when you were born, Wyatt. I gave up my powers for you. I tried to change the world for you ... and I would do it again in a heartbeat. You know why? Because I'm your father.

Future Evil Wyatt:
Stop it.

Leo:
You wanna kill me? Go ahead. I gave up my life for you before.

Future Evil Wyatt:
(begging) Dad, please?

Leo:
Look, I love you. Do you understand what that means?

Piper:
I'm very sorry you went back to college.

Phoebe:
I know, but it's really helping me with my column. And that has absolutely nothing to do with why Wyatt is creating demons.

Piper:
He's not creating demons!

Phoebe:
Let's see, maybe it's a reaction to preschool... Some kind of Freudian transference or something?

Piper:
Mumbo-Jumbo!

Leo:
I'm his father. He is not gonna hurt me.

Phoebe:
No? Ever read Hamlet?

Leo:
Hamlet kills his stepfather.

Phoebe:
Close enough. Freud says that acording to..

Piper:
(exasperated with psychology-Phoebe) Woman, canned it!!

Paige:
Do you think Wyatt is creating these demons?

Piper:
That's ridiculous!

Paige:
Well, he created the dragons.

Piper:
One! One lousy dragon, and you're gonna hold it against him for his entire life!

Phoebe:
Those demons do have a way of keeping you warm at night.

Piper:
Yeah, but that's only because they have fireballs.

Zankou:
You can't take them head on. It doesn't work. That's how demons die. Not this demon, not this time.

Paige:
I don't think we're getting out of this one, girls.

Zankou:
You can't stop me now.

Paige:
Oh yeah?

Piper:
Watch us.

Piper:
Wasn't there a confidence spell in the Book of Shadows?

Phoebe:
Yeah. Remember, we cast it on that waiter at Quake?

Piper:
Wow. Quake. That was a long time ago.

Darryl:
Well all right, all right.