Freakazoid!, Season 1

Announcer:
Terror grips a peaceful city. Terror that wears a loin cloth. His real name is Royce Mumphry, but police in five states know him as Cave Guy. Yes, Cave Guy: hostile, powerful, but also highly intelligent.

Cave Guy:
I subscribe to The New Yorker. (laughs snootily)

Announcer:
Only one hero can track down Cave Guy. Only one hero has the heart to fight this fiend. That hero is... (silhouette of Batman appears on the screen) on another network. Thus, we have no choice but to turn to this fellow. A teenage nerd, or is he...?

Freakazoid:
[in tough guy voice] Nothing will stand in my way!

Cosgrove:
Hey, Freakazoid! Wanna get a mint?

Freakazoid:
[in normal voice] OK!

Freakazoid:
Low Bridge! Everybody Down, Low Bridge! Cave guy's underwear is brown!!! Brown, Brown, It looks like he's got the cooties, ootie! Goodbyyyyyye! Stop ya singing now! End the singing songs, stop, go. Enough with the songs, stop, (In quite voice) Bring it down, come down...(The people come down) Everybody "Shh, Shh" On this side of the room. Everybody, Shh Shh Shh... EVERYBODY DOWN!

Jeepers:
You want to see something strange and mystical?

Freakazoid:
NOOOOOOO!!!!! GET OUTTA HERE WITH THAT WATCH!!! LAY OFF THE POOR BEAVERS, WILL YA?!? SHEEEESH!!! YOU'RE A CREEP! GO AWAY! WE WERE HAVING A GOOD TIME UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP, JEEPERS!!! UUUUUUUUGH! GO HAVE SOME COFFEE, WITH CREAM, OR SOMETHING! BECAUSE I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING: THIS IS A HAPPY PLACE!!!!!!

The Lobe:
No one can save you this time, Freakazoid!

Freakazoid:
That's where you're wrong, Lobe! My new sidekick will save me.

The Lobe:
Oh yeah? Well, where is he?

Handman:
I'm right here!

Freakazoid:
Handman! You've come in the nick of time!

Handman:
I wouldn't let you down, Freakabazaal! Oh, I'm sorry, it's Freakazee. Uh, Freakabee.

Freakazoid:
No. Freakazoid.

Handman:
Freakazoy.

Freakazoid:
No. Freakazoid.

Handman:
Freakazee! Freeballoo! Meemalar!

Freakazoid:
No. Say it with me. Frea.

Handman:
Frea.

Freakazoid:
Ka.

Handman:
Ka.

Freakazoid:
Zoid.

Handman:
Peterson! No! Freakazoid! Freakazoid. [kisses up to Freakazoid]

Freakazoid:
Hey, stop it! Pardon me, my mouth is a bit parched. [drinks a glass of water while Handman makes gulping noises] Aaaaaahhhh! Thank you. That was a-very refreshing!

The Lobe:
Oh, just stop!

Freakazoid:
What?

The Lobe:
This is stupid.

Freakazoid:
You're calling my sidekick stupid?

The Lobe:
That's not a proper sidekick; that's just your hand.

Freakazoid:
No it isn't.

The Lobe:
Yes it is!

Freakazoid:
No it isn't!

The Lobe:
Yes it is! It's just your hand, you simpleton!

Handman:
No, take a closer look. [The Lobe does so] Closer... Closer still... Hold it right there. [punches The Lobe, knocking him into his artillery]

The Lobe:
It's the waiting around that kills me.

Boy:
The scariest thing in the world would be... if all the air in the world turned to WOOD!

[The children gasp]

Girl:
Okay, like, the scariest thing in the world would be... if like you went to grab something and it wasn't there!

[The children stare blankly]

Girl:
.... Because it turned to WOOD!

[The children gasp]

Freakazoid:
[grinning] The scariest thing in the world would be... if they gave Sinbad another TV show! [All the children scream and flee in terror.]

[Later]

Other Kid:
You don't really believe in that stuff, about Sinbad getting another TV show, do you Buzz?

Buzz:
Nah, the broadcasting industry has all sorts of safeguards to prevent that sort of thing.

[Freakazoid keeps trying to take flight to no avail.]

Freakazoid:
Uhg! Hng! Up! UP! GO UP! FLY!

Steff:
Freakazoid, you don't fly.

Freakazoid:
Oh, right.

Buzz:
The guy you want to look out for is Candle Jack.

Other Kid:
Candle Jack? Who's that?

Buzz:
He's the Boogeyman. Y'know, the for-real one! He snatches kids from their bed and takes them away.... and they never come back.

Other Kid:
Why does he do that?

Buzz:
Because he's a nut.

Other Kid:
Well, how does he get you?

Buzz:
That's the thing. He can't, as long as you don't say his name. So just don't say it, okay?

Other Kid:
Okay. Good night!

[They lie down and go to bed]

Other Kid:
Hey, we did say his name!

Buzz:
Well... maybe he didn't hear us.

[Candle Jack rises up from between them]

Candle Jack:
Hello, boys!

Girls:
Look! It's Candle Jack!

All:
CANDLE JACK!!

Candle Jack:
I'm gonna need more rope.

Freakazoid:
Well, if it isn't...

Steff and kids:
NO!

Freakazoid:
What? I was just gonna say...

Steff and kids:
NO!

Dr. Hanker:
Don't say it!

Freakazoid:
Don't say what?

Steff:
Don't say his name!

Freakazoid:
You mean "don't say Candle Jack"?

[quick cut to Freakazoid now tied up]

Steff:
Freakazoid, why did you say his name?

Freakazoid:
'Cause I-I wanted to do one of those funny things, like on - you ever watch F Troop? - where Agarn says "There's no way I'm wearin' a dress! Absolutely not! No dress!" And Forrest Tucker's like, "Yeah, you're wearin' that dress! You're gonna wear that dress!" And they wipe - blblblblblblblb - and Agarn's wearin' a dress!

[quick cut to a clip from F Troop of Agarn, crossdressed]

Agarn:
YOO-HOO!!! LOCO BROTHERS!!! LOOK WHO'S HERE FOR YOU!!!

Candle Jack:
Oh, I love that bit!

Paul Harvey-type announcer:
I think there's a thuuuumbtack under my fanny.

[All the Dangers gasp when looking upon a photo of the villian.]

"Dash" O'Pepper:
I knew it! It's some guy in a helmet!

Dash" O'Pepper:
Just let me throw a barrel at it!

The Lobe:
[just before being blown up] I feel so used...

Announcer:
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this special report from The WB Network.

Freakazoid:
What exactly is The WB? Can someone tell me this? What's it mean, The WB? The Water Bucket? The Wimpy Boy? The Wet Bananas?! I don't know!! What, the Weird Butt?! What? I'm asking!!

Announcer:
This has been a special report from The Weird Butt Network. We now join Freakazoid! already in progress.

Lord Bravery:
[talking to his mother-in-law] Most people your age die. Why won't you?

Freakazoid:
Now, now, ladies, there's plenty of me for everybody - if not, I'll just have 'em draw me bigger.

Alien:
I have traveled many millions of lightyears across forty billion galaxies to come here for the answer to a vital question that concerns the entire universe.

Bill Clinton:
And what is that question?

Alien:
Please tell us - that doll Barbie... what's the name of her little sister?

[Freakazoid and Clinton look at each other, puzzled]

Bill Clinton:
I think it was Pebbles.

Freakazoid:
Lemme handle this. It's Skipper!

Alien:
Skipper? Hmmm. [walks back inside his ship] Hey everyone, it's Skipper!

Freakazoid:
I said, give me another one. Curse your tiny paper hat!

Freakazoid:
If I wanna blitz myself into some papaya-induced hallucination that's MY business!

Fan Boy:
I've studied everything about you! Like you like to drown your sorrows in papaya juice whenever you lose a sidekick!

Freakazoid:
That's because I'm allergic to cranapple!

[pan shot of the Freaka-lair]

Fan Boy:
Where are we?

Freakazoid:
My Freaka-lair!

Fan Boy:
I didn't know you had one!

Freakazoid:
Yeah, we're trying a bunch of new stuff this week. Tryin' to see what sticks.

Freakazoid:
Please! Please leave me alone! I'll give you anything, anything you want if you'll just go away! How about the just written script of Batman IV?

Fan Boy:
Plucked it off the Internet last night.

Freakazoid:
An autographed photo of Stan Lee?

Fan Boy:
Who's that?

Freakazoid:
No idea.

Fan Boy:
Marrrrrrkk...... Hamillllll...

Freakazoid:
Why settle for a mere sidekick, when Jedi Knighthood awaits?

Fan Boy:
Yes! The Force is strong in this one!

[slowly approaching Mark Hamill]

Fan Boy:
Luke! Join me!

Mark Hamill:
Come again?

Fan Boy:
Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as Fan Boy and son!

Mark Hamill:
No! I'll never join you!

Fan Boy:
It is your destiny!

Fan Boy:
Leonard Nimoy, Leonard Nimoy

Dear Mister Spock, oh golly gee boy

It sure would make me smile and laugh

If I could have your autograph

If I don't get it, I'll be blue

But then I know what I will do

I'll call you up on the telephone

And bother you when you're at home

You hang up, the line goes dead

But then a new idea pops in my head

I'll visit you right where you live

I'll ring on the doorbell and ask if you'll give

That autograph I've been waiting for

You give it to me, and so much more

(BOOM!)

Oh thank you, thank you, Mister Spock

Now please call Bones; I need a doc.

Lord Bravery:
What kind of superhero would call himself Lord Smoked Meats and Fishes?

Mr. Snarzetti:
Ah. One who wants to use the element of surprise.

Freakazoid:
(After demonstrating the Emergency Broadcasting System) This was only a test. If there had been an actual emergency, we would have gone like this: AHHHHHH! HELP! HELP US! NO! GET US OUT OF HERE! HELP ME! HELP EVERYONE! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jack Valenti:
We've put together a little motion picture about Freakazoid's origin. It's filled with action and adventure and even features a scene with a man wrestling a bear for no reason.

Business Man:
A Freaky-zoid? What's that?

Roddy MacStew:
That's just what it sounds like Mr. Fancy Man sitting in your chair!

[Roddy is thrown from the top of a building.]

Guitierrez:
Now, how did that happen? [He begins to chuckle, then pauses at the silence of his colleagues.] Laugh with me!

Announcer:
We interrupt this program to increase dramatic tension. Thank you. And now back to our program.

Roddy MacStew:
Oh I'm his uh.. (thinking) WHAT SHOULD I SAY! I CANT THINK! SHE'LL NEVER BUY IT! CRUD! CRUD! (out loud) I'm his insurance agent.

Mrs. Douglas:
Insurance agent? But he's only 17.

Roddy MacStew:
(thinking) CRUD! I BLEW IT! I BLEW IT!! (out loud) Oh no, I meant his driving instructor. It's time for his lesson.

Mrs. Douglas:
On Christmas Day?

Roddy MacStew:
He's a very bad driver.

Roddy MacStew:
You'll never get away with it Guitierrez!

Guitierrez:
Get away with what? I haven't said anything yet.

Roddy MacStew:
Yeah you're right. Sorry, I jumped the gun. My fault.

Mrs Douglas:
Dexter? Is that you? How bad a driver are you, hon?

Roddy MacStew:
At least let the lad go!

Guitierrez:
No, I cannot.

Roddy MacStew:
Why?

Guitierrez:
Because he tasks me! He tasks me! 'round the moons of Snivia, I chuckle at thee. Beyond the Corpian clouds I chuckle more at thee. Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins! Kirk, old friend, I... Oh, sorry. [He fixes his tie.] Good-bye.

Dexter:
No! This can't be happening... I'M FREAKING OUT!

[changes into Freakazoid]

Freakazoid:
[in Groucho Marx voice] I think he just said the secret word!

Roddy MacStew:
[voice-over] When you want to change into the Freakazoid, just say "Freak Out." When you want to change back into Dexter, say "Freak In." You're a good lad. I'll be seeing you around.

Freakazoid:
[crying] That made water come out my eyes.

Freakazoid:
...And then I got sucked into the Internet, and well, here I am.

Cosgrove:
Y'know what you should do with your powers?

Freakazoid:
What?

Cosgrove:
I'd become a superhero, but that's me.

Freakazoid:
Naaaah.

Cosgrove:
You could fight crime.

Freakazoid:
Naaaah.

Cosgrove:
Uphold the truths.

Freakazoid:
Naaaah.

Cosgrove:
Impress the ladies.

Freakazoid:
OKAY!! I'll do it!

Freakazoid:
Hey, what is this place? Palm Trees. Hula girls! Pineapples. Hula girls! Surfboards. Hula girls! Hula girls! Hula girls! Of course, it all adds up! I've somehow landed in Norway!

Voice Over:
One day, while saving Air Force One, teen super hero Freakazoid was unexpectedly swept into both a time warp vortex and a T.V. show parody. From that point on and until the segment ends, Freakazoid is lost in time. He is... Quantum Freak!

[Freakazoid views the world he altered.]

Freakazoid:
Good heavens. It's Rush Limbaugh. He's become a real bleeding-hard liberal and look! Euro Disney is packed! Cold fusion works! No Chevy Chase movies!

Dexter Douglas:
I wish I was at home reading funny stories in binary.

Freakazoid:
[dazed] Anybody for loosemeat sanwiches?

Cave Guy:
Now, it's our turn. [he and Kid Carrion laugh maniacally]

Freakazoid:
BLABLABLABLABLABLABLAAAA! [lunges towards them as Relax-o-Vision cuts in] [later, after Cave Guy and Kid Carrion were defeated]

Freakazoid:
I probably blew the animation budget for the WHOLE season on that one fight

Fatman:
I've got a stitch in my side, and I've lost my freshness!

Store clerk:
What's Oops Insurance?

[Arms Akimbo knocks over jar]

Arms Akimbo:
Oops.

Hans:
I am Hans. We will take the sky buckets to the observatory. The professor is waiting for you there. Now, come. We mustn't linger. It is not safe here at night.

Freakazoid:
It's day.

Hans:
Well then, I suppose we can linger for a moment.

[Freakazoid and Hans are riding "sky buckets" to the top of a mountain]

Freakazoid:
It's just like at Disneyland!

Hans:
Not anymore, I'm afraid.

Freakazoid:
What?

Hans:
At Disneyland. Zee sky buckets, they are gone, kaput. And zee ride where zey shrink you down tiny, nicht. (German for not, implying that the ride was removed)

Freakazoid:
Oh no, well, at least they still have the little motorboats!"

Hans:
[He hangs his head and grits teeth, indicating they removed the motorboats as well; sad music plays in background.]

Freakazoid:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THE BOATS!!!

[Freakazoid opens a door, expecting a evil villain outside. When he opens the door, there stands Cosgrove.]

Cosgrove:
Hey Freakazoid, wanna go build a Go-cart?

Steven Spielberg:
Fade to black. The End. What was that other plan, exactly?

Paul Rugg:
Well, we'd end the show early to show some more Animaniacs reruns.

Steven Spielberg:
Oh! I like that. Let's do it. (cuts to the final verses of the Animaniacs theme song)

Bo-Ron:
Large Cakes!

Freakazoid:
Diane Sawyer acts sincere, but she's really faking it.

Bo-Ron:
Duuuuhhhh! Faking it.

Bo-Ron:
DUUUHHHH! Piece of the gross(then smiles with chewed up Oreo cookies in his teeth, while having milk & Oreo cookies on his plate)

Freakazoid:
STAY OUT OF YOUR FATHER'S UNDERWEAR DRAWER! Trust me on this one.

Bo-Ron:
Duh, underwear drawer, no no.

Freakazoid:
So AT&T, MCI, & Sprint fought a pitched battle to see who'd provide service. (showing stock footage of armored tanks fighting in a warzone) Finally, Bo-Ron chose a winner(showing Bo-Ron with lipstick imprints on his face while Candice Bergen is attracted to Bo-Ron), and we called home.

Bo-Ron:
AAAHHHH! It's ringing. (They reached an answering machine in Bo-Ron's primitive language addressing "We're not here right now. Please leave your message after the beep")

Bo-Ron:
I got the machine. It's ALWAYS on. Hello? You're there. I know you're there. PICK UP! COME ON!!! PICK UP!!!

Dexter Douglas:
O-O-O-O-O-O-OH, FREAK OUT!(melts into the ground and resolidifies as Freakazoid)

Freakazoid:
Is it me or am I showing up later & later in each episode? (then talking like Jerry Lewis) OH, LOOK AT ALL THE NERD PEOPLE MAKING THE FUNNY JERKING MOTIONS WITH THEIR SILLY HEADS!!!

[Freakazoid is at a recent crime scene committed by Cobra Queen. He notices a piece of shedding from one of her snakes.]

Freakazoid:
Ah-ha, looks like one of Cobra Queen's little pets. [turns to the officers, and says this with poor lip sync] Or maybe it was a tourist who got too much sun, I'm never sure.

[Flips to blue screen with only Freakazoid showing]

Freakazoid:
Please, let's watch the lip sync, okay?

[A giant set of lips sinks into the ocean]

Freakazoid:
I thank you.

Freakazoid:
I'm not going down there. It smells like poo-gas!!

Cobra Queen:
If it isn't my dear friend, Atomic Boy.

Freakazoid:
Freakazoid. I'm Freakazoid.

Cobra Queen:
Oh! I'm so terribly sorry, Freakazoid. The light is dreadful down here.

Freakazoid:
Nah, forget it Cobra Queen. You know, you should really get some of those Japanese lanterns to brighten up the place.

Cobra Queen:
The paper ones? Are they expensive?

Cosgrove:
Y'know, I like jousting so much I wish I could marry it.

Freakazoid:
(finds a small bowl hidden behind a torch) A bowl! I found a bowl! GOOD FOR ME!

Freakazoid:
(grumbling about Guitierrez) He's such a weenie.

Guitierrez:
(shouting dramatically) I am not a weenie! YOU ARE THE WEENIE!

Roddy MacStew:
Ever since Guitierrez entered the net, he's been busy setting up some kind of deranged trap for you. When I tried to see what it was, he found me and kicked me out. He's amazingly powerful!

Freakazoid:
If it's a trap, why do you want me to go in?

Roddy MacStew:
You don't have a choice, lad. The reason you're so weak is that Guitierrez sabotaged the energy field that powers ya here on the outside. If you didn't go in, in an hour or so, you'd be no better than a dried-up piece of fleshy haggis. Oh, he's figured it all out! He's baiting ya, lad. He's made sure you'd have no choice but to go in after him. He means to destroy ya.

Freakazoid:
Boy, you've got alot of lines in this show.

Roddy MacStew:
AYE! THAT'S WHAT I TOLD THEM! BUT, NO! ALL THE CRUDDY EXPOSITION GOES TO ME! I HAVE TO TALK AND TALK AND FIDDLE WITH THE COMPUTER AND TALK SOME MORE AND FIDDLE AWAY, I FEEL LIKE OBI-WAN CRUDDY KENOBI!!!

Freakazoid:
Roddy, settle.

Roddy Macstew:
Alright, we're ready.

Freakazoid:
Aren't you coming?

Roddy Macstew:
Nay, Guitierrez has locked me out. He want's you... alone. THERE! THAT'S THE LAST OF THE CRUDDY EXPOSITION!!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

(an audience applaudes)