Friends, Season 9

Phoebe:
You can touch yourself in front of us, but you can't talk to Rachel.

Ross:
What? When have I ever touched myself in front of you guys?

Phoebe:
Oh, please. Just before, when you were asleep in the lounge. That Armenian family was watching you instead of the TV.

Rachel:
Mon, what am I gonna do? It's been hours and it won't stop crying.

Monica:
"She," Rach. Not "it." She.

Rachel:
Yeah. I'm not so sure.

[Phoebe is reading a book on how to stop a baby from crying.]

Phoebe:
We've tried feeding, drinking and diaper changing. Oh, here's something: "Go back in time and listen to Phoebe."

[Chandler is begging to Elaine to not make him go to Tulsa.]

Chandler:
Oh i love Tulsa, Tulsa is heaven,Tulsa is Italy, Please don't make me go there!

Rachel:
I wonder why Ross said that he died?

Monica:
Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.

Chandler:
He saw a therapist?

Monica:
He used to have this recurring nightmare. It really freaked him out.

Rachel:
Wow, what was it?

Monica:
That I was going to eat him.

Phoebe:
[Searching her address book for someone to date Joey] Ooh, here's a good one: Sandy Poopach.

Joey:
[Stifles a laugh]

Phoebe:
I guess that rules out Lana Titweiller.

Joey:
[Bursts out laughing] AH-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ross:
And I ended up telling him that...

Phoebe:
What?

Ross:
You had a six-year-long relationship with a guy named Vikram.

Phoebe:
What? Why?

Ross:
Well, he seemed to... bum hard when I told him that you'd never been in a serious relationship.

Phoebe:
If you hadn't just had a baby with my best friend, I swear to Lucifer, a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers right now!

Monica:
Why don't you sit down... get yourself comfortable... because I have a little surprise for you.

Chandler:
Well, well, well. It must be five in Tulsa because it's "sex o'clock" in NYC!

Monica:
Okay, this is how much I love you.

[Monica plays a shark documentary and rolls over Chandler's side, while Chandler gets a confused look]

Chandler:
Honey? Why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around?

Monica:
Oh, is, is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast-forward to something... toothier?

Chandler:
No, I'm just not sure that y-you got the right movie, that's all.

Monica:
Oh. Well this is the only one they had at our video store. Oh, but they did have something called "Crocodile Killers"... or does it always have to be sharks?

Chandler:
Does what always have to be sharks?

Monica:
Honey! We-- look, we could do something else. D-Do you want me to get into the tub and... thrash?

Chandler:
What's going on?

Monica:
It's okay. It's okay, I still love you. Let me be a part of this.

Chandler:
Let me be a part of this!

[Ross and Rachel are locked out of the apartment, with baby Emma inside.]

Rachel:
Oh, no! What if she jumps out the of the basinet!

Ross:
Can't hold her own head up... but yeah, jumped.

Rachel:
Oh, my...! I left the water running!

Ross:
Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please just...just pull yourself together okay?

Rachel:
Did I leave the stove on?

Ross:
You haven't cooked since 1996!

Rachel:
Is the window open? Because if the window's open, a bird could fly in there and -

Ross:
Oh, my, you know what, I think you're right! I think - you know what? Listen, listen: a pigeon... no, no, wait, an eagle flew in, landed on the stove, and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid! The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons! Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water! Baby and bird, still ablaze, are locked in a death-grip, swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment!

Rachel:
[beat] Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.

Phoebe:
Pick up the sock, pick up the sock, PICK UP THE SOOOOOOOOOCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!! [Her friends stare at her, scared] I'm sorry, was that rude? Di-di-did my little "outburst" blunt the HIDEOUSNESS that is this evening?!

Monica:
Really? That scientist guy?

Phoebe:
Really? Chandler?

Monica:
Well, you're different funny. You're more sarcastic and well, he does fits and impressions and limericks.

Chandler:
I can do limericks. 'There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside!'

[Ross is talking to Emma on the couch]

Ross:
And that's why, no matter what Mommy says, we really were on a break! Yes we were, yes we were! [picks up the baby] Oh, you're the cutest little baby ever! You're just a little bitty baby, but you got big beautiful eyes, a big round belly, and a big baby butt! [sighs] I like big butts. [sings the first few lines of "Baby Got Back." Emma starts laughing.] Oh, my, you're laughing! You've never done that before! Daddy made you laugh! Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot! You want to hear more? [sings another line and Emma laughs again] I'm a terrible father!

Ross:
Guess what? Emma laughed today!

Rachel:
What? And I missed it 'cause I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie? What'd you do to get her to laugh?

Ross:
Well, I sang... I rapped... 'Baby Got Back'.

Rachel:
What? You sang to our baby daughter a song about a man who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?

Ross:
Well... if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy body image, because even women with big bottoms, or juicy doubles, can... [Sees how angry Rachel is] Please don't take her away from me.

Chandler:
No, no we're not together. We're not a couple- we're definitely not a couple.

Saleswoman:
Oh! Sorry.

Joey:
Wow, you, uh, you seem pretty insulted by that. What, I'm not good enough for you?

Chandler:
We're not gonna have this conversation again.

[Monica and Phoebe greet Amy]

Monica So, welcome! Uh, is this the first time you're seeing Emma?

Amy:
Yeah, I-I think so. [to Phoebe ] It's nice to meet you, Emma. [Amy holds out her hand to Phoebe]

Phoebe:
[she shakes Amy's hand and corrects her] Phoebe.

Amy:
Oh, that's a funny noise.

Amy:
I was thinking about changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of "Emily".

Ross:
Emma.

Amy:
[to Phoebe] Emma, Ross wants you.

Phoebe:
PHOEBE!

Amy:
[whispers to Ross] Why does she keep making that noise?

Amy:
You know, this is classic Rachel!

Rachel:
Yeah, right! Remember in high school, when I died and didn't give you my baby?

Amy:
This might be my one chance to have a child. You know that I've been busy focusing on my career.

Rachel:
What career?

Amy:
I'm a decorator!

Rachel:
You decorate Dad's office and you're a decorator! Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday. Now I'm a koala bear!

Amy:
Why can't you be supportive?

Rachel:
You want to talk supportive? You didn't come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby!

Amy:
You didn't come and see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done!

Rachel:
I did the first time! And do you want to know why I'm not giving Emily to you?

Ross:
It's Emma.

Rachel:
WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?! [to Amy] I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle the responsibility of a child!

Amy:
How hard could it be? You do it! [Joey laughs but stops when everyone stares at him.] You want to know why you don't want me to have the baby? Because you don't want me to be happy! You have always been jealous of me!

Rachel:
Of what? Your lack of responsibility? Your immaturity? Your total disregard for other peoples' feelings?

Amy:
To name a few!

[Chandler is livid at a china plate being broken.]

Chandler:
All right, that's it!! This is our apartment and you can't behave this way! If you can't act your age, you shouldn't be here at all! Those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out, but they're important to Monica! And I want you to apologize to her right now!

Amy:
I'm sorry.

Rachel:
I'm so sorry!

Chandler:
That's better! Now I want you to apologize to each other, and mean it!

[The sisters apologize to each other.]

Chandler:
By the way, that fight was totally arousing!

[The girls glare at Chandler and walk away.]

Ross:
[to Chandler] Well done! If I die, Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma!

Chandler:
Really? Thanks!

Ross:
So... now do I get Joey?

Chandler:
Okay. But you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose!

[Rachel gave Bill her phone number.]

Rachel:
Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my, he's gone!

Phoebe:
"Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh, my, he's gone." Dead on.

Monica:
Chandler, you have to tell Joey that you're not in Tulsa.

Chandler:
Don't you think it's better for him to think that you're cheating on me than for him to think that I'm cheating on him? [Monica looks at him strangely] I heard it!

Phoebe:
And I heard him say, as he flew out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"

Joey:
Wow, you really wrote that?

Phoebe:
Uh-huh.

Monica:
Wendy's a fat girls name.

Phoebe:
Are we still on that?

Monica:
No, you're right. Let's talk about something else. Let's talk about snow. Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband's having sex on a copying machine?

[Chandler is practicing advertising slogans.]

Chandler:
How hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that you chew." "Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?"

Monica:
I got one. "Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best."

Chandler:
Honey? Leave it to the pros.

Chandler:
Phones: bringing you closer to people...who have phones.

Monica:
"Marriage. It's not for everybody."

Mike:
Hey, when did we become one of those couple who let our rat babies control our lives?

Ross:
Ya, ho.. ya. OK, sure, look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?

Chandler:
Sure, just gimme a second to get all huffy and weird like you. *harrumphing* Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night did what they did or didn't do, I mean come on!

Chandler:
Today is the 6th.

Monica:
No. [Shows Chandler a calendar]

Chandler:
Yes. It's also 2003.

Monica:
That means I may be done ovulating! I may also have served some very questionable meat at the restaurant!

Monica:
[On the phone with Rachel, panicking because Emma's missing] Hey, Rach, by any chance, did you come by here and pick Emma up?

Rachel:
No, why?

Monica:
Oh, my...! Then that means...[Just then, Joey comes in the door holding Emma] Oh, Emma! Thank God! There you are!

Rachel:
[Worried] Wha-what do you mean "There you are"?! Where was she?!

Monica:
[Forgetting Rachel was still on the phone] Oh, uh, we were just playing peek-a-boo. She loves it when I'm dramatic. [Quickly hangs up]

Monica:
[To Joey] Why the hell did you take her?!

Joey:
Because you two were having [Whispers last word so Emma doesn't hear] sex!

Monica:
No, we weren't.

Joey:
Don't you lie to me. I can tell by Chandler's hair. [To Chandler] You are so lazy. Can't you get on top for once?

Chandler:
[Embarrassed, tries to fix his messy hair] All right, we were! We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.

Joey:
Which is more than I can say for myself as of 2:00 today. [He and Chandler laugh, and Joey indicates that he peed on Monica's ovulation sticks]

Monica:
You guys! Seriously, those sticks are expensive!

Joey:
Hey, it is unacceptable that you'd have sex with Emma in the next room. I'm gonna have to tell Rachel about this.

Monica and Chandler:
No, no! Please don't. She'll kill us.

Joey:
Hey, I gotta. Unless...

Chandler:
Unless what?

Joey:
Unless you name your first-born child Joey.

Chandler:
What? Why?

Joey:
Hey, I may never have kids. And someone has to carry on my family name.

Chandler:
Your family name is Tribbiani.

Joey:
[Thinks this over for a few seconds] Oh-ho, you almost had me. [He leaves, and Chandler covers his face with his hands at the sheer ignorance of Joey]

Phoebe:
Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?

Joey:
Uh-huh.

Phoebe:
How - how do I get them to name the next one after me?

Joey:
It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex.

Phoebe:
Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes. (Phoebe sees Rachel and Ross through the window.) Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working. (Joey does the "plan-laugh.") Don't, don't do the plan-laugh.

Ross:
The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters.

Rachel:
Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didn't even show.

Ross:
Wait a minute; you don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid.

Joey:
We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding.

Phoebe:
Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again. (Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.) Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this way. Run!

Joey:
Where?

Phoebe:
Mexico!

[They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.]

Phoebe:
Okay, I wasn't rich like you guys, okay? I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony. I had a hard life! My mother was killed by a drug dealer.

Monica:
Your mother killed herself!

Phoebe:
She was a drug dealer!

[Rachel tries to install baby-proofing things in the apartment.]

Rachel:
Are you saying that women can't do it?

Joey:
Women can do it; you can't.

Rachel:
Monica, will you please tell Joey that he's a pig?

Monica:
[to Joey] You're a pig. [to Rachel] And you can't do this.

Rachel:
Well, I found the hardware store by myself!

Joey:
The hardware store's just down the street.

Rachel:
There's a hardware store down the street?

[Monica and Chandler each borrow money from Joey, forcing him to lie to them both until they find out.]

Rachel:
Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?

Joey:
Because she is!

Monica:
Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.

Joey:
Mm-hmm! For your boob job!

Monica, Rachel, Chandler:
It's over, Joe!

Joey:
Okay. So I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?

Monica:
Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... [reads from the screen] "gay as the day is long"?

Chandler:
Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.

Monica:
But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true.

[The friends are about to arrange the lottery tickets, in a bowl at the breakfast table]

Monica:
We need to sort through the tickets as quickly as possible to see if we won. Does anybody have any ideas how to organize this? [abruptly] How about this - we divide them into six groups of forty, and the remaining ten can be read by whoever finishes their pile first.

Rachel:
[raising her hand] I have another idea!

Monica:
Sorry, idea time is over!

Phoebe:
Are all of the tickets in the bowl?

Monica:
Yeah.

Chandler:
What about the ones on the nightstand?

Monica:
There are no tickets on the nightstand!

Chandler:
Yes there are, I saw them a few minutes ago!

[Rachel goes to the nightstand to investigate]

Monica:
[uncomfortably] No, you didn't! You must be mistaken!

Chandler:
There were twenty tickets on the nightstand!

Monica:
Chandler, sense the tone!

[Rachel returns with a bunch of tickets in her hand]

Rachel:
Well, well, well, look what Mommy found! [everyone gasps]

Monica:
Fine! I bought twenty extra tickets for me and Chandler!

Phoebe:
[gasps] The psychic also said that I would be betrayed!

Ross:
I can't believe this! I thought we were all in this together!

Monica:
You just got in five minutes ago!

Ross:
Three! I don't know why that's important!

Joey:
I was with you the whole time we were in Connecticut! When did you get those?

Monica:
When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!

Joey:
[sn*ggers and turns to Ross] I'll show you how!

Rachel:
Suppose one of your special tickets wins? How are you going to feel when you win the lottery and lose all your friends?

Monica:
If I win the lottery you guys are not going to leave me! Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!

Rachel:
Chandler, would you tell her that what she did was wrong?!

Chandler:
[turns to Monica] She's right, you shouldn't have bought tickets just for us. [Monica gasps] Let me finish. [turns to Rachel] However, it doesn't look as though I'm going to get this job, so I can't afford to have principles. So SCREW YOU, THE TICKETS ARE OURS!! [snatches the tickets from an open-mouthed Rachel]

Monica:
[jubilantly] There's the man I married! [high-fives Chandler]

Rachel:
Believe me, if you win the lottery, it's the last you're going to hear from any of us!

Monica:
Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! And then I'll pay for their plastic surgeries so they look just like you!

Rachel:
That's it! I want my share of the tickets!

Joey:
[snatches the bowl from Rachel] I want my tickets too! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graf!

Ross:
[snatches the bowl from Joey] I want mine, too! And if I win I'm going to put it all into a very low-yield bond!

Phoebe:
[tries to put all the tickets into the bowl] You guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together!

Monica:
No! [snatches the bowl] We should divide them up, and I should get extra because we used my car to buy them!

Joey:
If anybody gets extra tickets it should be me; this whole thing was my idea!! [snatches the bowl]

Chandler:
Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the LOTTERY!!

Monica:
Why don't you take Ross?

Ross:
Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...

Monica:
No, not if their room has two beds!

Ross:
[Browsing the brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... [Enthusiastically] moonlight boat ride!

Phoebe:
[playing guitar and singing] And there's a country called Argentinaaaa, it's a place I've never seeeeen. But I'm told for fifty pesos you can buy a human spleen. Humaaan spleeeeen. Olè! [Olé is spanish, but anyway..., and they speak Spanish in Agentina, but anyway...]

Ross:
Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.

Chandler:
OK, how about this? [Picks up the remote control]

Ross:
No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!

Chandler:
Yes, but the batteries...

[Ross claps his hands]

Chandler:
Thank you, thank you very much!

Ross:
Let's celebrate with some maple candy!

Chandler:
No!

Ross:
At least tell me where you hid it.

Chandler:
I got you something from Vermont! [Sits down at the table]

Monica:
[Without looking up from what she's doing] Besides tampons and salt? [;;Then looks] Ooh! My...! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. [Opens the box] That's weird... it's empty!

[Then Ross enters]

Ross:
[Sounds excited] Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out... or... ? [Looks around the room nervously] do you... do you guys hear a buzzing?

Phoebe:
Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at your restaurant! [Showcases a top hat and hand-held glasses] This might class up 'The Ballad of the Uncircumcised Man'!

Monica:
Phoebe, maybe I wasn't clear before...I love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is an upscale place!

Phoebe:
I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault!

Monica:
It's not what you wear, it's your songs! I don't think you should play at the restaurant anymore!

Phoebe:
[disappointed] Oh...OK. I'll take the hat back. [puts the hat back in the bag and stamps on it]

Rachel:
[After a pause] So...the funniest thing happened at work...

Phoebe:
[Interrupting, to Monica] My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?!

Rachel:
We're still on that!

Monica:
I didn't say that!

Phoebe:
Then what's wrong with them? They don't go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?

Monica:
Tiny portions?!

Phoebe:
"Excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but [Wears the glasses] I cahn't see it! I cahn't see it!"

Monica:
It's not about quantity!

Phoebe:
It's not about quality!

Monica:
You want to talk quality? Ever heard of a key?! It's what some people sing in!!

Phoebe:
At least my songs don't taste like garlic! [Monica opens her mouth] There are other ingredients!

Monica:
So that's what we're doing?! When I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm wearing earplugs!

Phoebe:
Earplugs, or cloves of garlic?

Monica:
[Gets up abruptly] I take back what I said before! You keep playing, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales have gone up like crazy!

Phoebe:
What are they having? The GARLIC MARTINI?!

Monica:
Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.

Rachel:
All right, all right! You're right, I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be...

[Joey walks in]

Rachel:
Okay... so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion?

Monica:
What the hell are you cooking?

[Phoebe is about to give Rachel a massage]

Phoebe:
[in a fake Swedish accent] Hello, ya! It's time for your massage, ya! Put your face in the hole!

Rachel:
Oh, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person!

Phoebe:
Then I'm Swedish!

Rachel:
What's your name?

Phoebe:
A normal Swedish name...Ikea.

Rachel:
What an interesting name. You know, I...

Phoebe:
[interrupts her and pushes her head down] Time for your scalp massage!

Rachel:
[sees Phoebe's shoes through the hole] Wow! I really love- [gasps loudly]

Phoebe:
Is something wrong?

Rachel:
No, it just...feels so good...Ikea! You'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden?

Phoebe:
Stockholm.

Rachel:
[to herself] Damn, I wish I knew if that was right!

Phoebe:
[singing] Ipan stripan glupi glapi! And that's the Swedish National Anthem, thank you for asking!

Rachel:
Wow, what a rich culture! You know, I have a friend who's a masseuse!

Phoebe:
Oh, ya!

Rachel:
She's not very good, though!

Phoebe:
And why do you think that is?

Rachel:
I don't know! Maybe because she's got callousy fingers from playing a crummy guitar!

Phoebe:
Or maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high-maintenance tight-ass!

Rachel:
[turns up] PHOEBE!!

Phoebe:
You know it's me?

Rachel:
For a half-hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!

Phoebe:
How can you come here?

Rachel:
How can you not tell me you work here?

Phoebe:
I don't have to tell you everything!

Rachel:
Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!

Phoebe:
Tips not included.

Rachel:
Why did you lie to me about working here?

Phoebe:
I was ashamed! I sold out for the cash! They give me benefits like medical and dental and a 401! But you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge, punching a clock, and paying taxes!

Rachel:
If you hate it, you should walk out there and quit! Be true to what you believe in! You have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!

Phoebe:
You're right, I am going to quit! It's time I took my life back!

Rachel:
Good for you, Pheebs!

[Phoebe leaves the room, then looks up at the ceiling and whispers]

Phoebe:
If you guys had microphones in there, I didn't mean that! I love you!

[At Ross´s Conference]

Ross:
But all kidding aside, in much the same way that Homo ergaster is now thought to be a separate species from Homo erectus...

[Joey laughs]

Charlie:
What?

Joey:
He said "erectus"!

Charlie:
You're... you're kidding, right?

Joey:
No, he really said it.

Ross:
... and while there are certainly vast differences between these Mesozoic fossiles and the example of Homo erectus...

[Rachel laughs]

Joey:
Erectus?

Rachel:
Homo.

Monica:
Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.

Chandler:
[Smiling cheekily] I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" [Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats] "I do".

Monica:
Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.

Chandler:
David is going to propose to Phoebe.

Monica:
What? [Looks very shocked] Why?

Chandler:
Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.

Monica:
Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?

Chandler:
I did! A penis one!