Hot in Cleveland, Season 1

Melanie Moretti:
(about Anders, her ex) What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?

Joy Scroggs:
Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?

Melanie:
No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.

Victoria Chase:
You know, I was up for a part in the movie.

Joy:
Course you were.

Joy:
(on looking up Melanie's date) This is why the internet was invented. For men to find picture of naked women and women to cyber-stalk the ment they trust.

Joy:
(to Melanie) You're not old. Forty's the new twenty-five.

Victoria:
I thought forty was the new thirty.

Joy:
Let me ask you something. What's the deal with old ladies and track suits?

Elka Ostrovsky:
Well, it's simple. In your twenties you dress for men, in your forties you dress for success, and in your eighties you dress for a bathroom.

Joy:
Does anyone else smell pot?

Elka:
What are you, a cop?

Joy:
No.

Elka:
Then what's it to you?

Melanie:
(about her ex-husbands new fiance) She's half my age.

Victoria:
Well darling, that really isn't that young.

Melanie:
My fake age!

Victoria:
Oh my god! She's a child!

Joy:
I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch!

Joy:
(after coming down the back stairs into the kitchen) We're still in a rented house in Ohio, right?

Victoria:
Yup.

Joy:
So last night a guy fifteen years younger than me really did give me his phone number.

Victoria:
Oh, it's the magic of Cleveland, Joy. All the most beautiful people in the world move to L.A. to become stars, leaving behind in their wake beauty voids for the rest of us to fill.

Elka:
(to Joy) You're too old and creaky to be robbing the cradle.

Joy:
I'm old?!? Was Ohio even a state when you were born?

Elka:
They were talking about it.

Melanie Are you really thinking about finding your son?

Joy:
Maybe. It's all just a... a lot.

Melanie:
I can't imagine.

Joy:
Yes, you can. You're a mother.

Melanie:
Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!

Joy:
You're kidding.

Elka:
You all have birthdays on the same day?

Victoria:
No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...

Melanie:
Depressing, scary...

Joy:
Drunk and hazy...

Victoria:
We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.

Joy:
It works great. I really don't know how old I am.

Elka:
I'm a little nervous. Or maybe it's just staring at that rat's nest that Joy calls a hairdo. It's so unsettling.

Joy:
Your nerves are making you unpleasant.

Elka:
Yes, but I can fix that by finishing this wine. You're still stuck with that hair.

Joy:
That's not your joke, Elka. That's Winston Churchill's

Elka:
It's not stealing if you were there.

Max:
Listen, Elka. I don't want to lose you. So, if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.

Elka:
You are?

Max:
Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.

Elka:
Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.

Max:
It's just so dark and scary there.

Victoria:
(holding an ice tray to her neck) I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.

Elka:
What's going on?

Joy:
Victoria's having a senior moment.

Elka:
Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

Melanie:
You know Johnny Revere?!?

Victoria:
Every inch of him. One night he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a back-stage pass to the best six months of my life.

Joy:
They why is he a bastard?

Joy:
Because half way through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.

Johnny Revere:
Seriously, you look even sexier in person than you did on your show.

Victoria:
You watched Edge of Tomorrow?

Johnny:
Sure. I was always bragging to the roadies how I used to drill you like the Gulf of Mexico.

Victoria:
Still don't follow the news, do you!

Victoria:
I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.

Elka:
But your eyebrows look fine.

Victoria:
Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.

Joy:
Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John OR George Michael. I thought he wanted my sex.

Melanie:
I didn't even know the Village People were gay.

Victoria:
Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.

Elka:
In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.

Melaniei:
You thought Liberace was straight?

Elka:
(confident) I could have turned him.

Elka:
(in regards to her bright red hair) I changed my hair!

Melanie:
Elka, why would... huh... I mean, why?

Elka:
I wanted something fresh. I found a picture in a magazine and I gave it to my hair-stylist.

Joy:
Was it a picture of Elmo?

Victoria:
A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial. Ah, years of honing my craft and finally my dream is coming true.

Melanie:
Your dream is to a Japanese commercial?

Victoria:
No. To sell out for an obscene amount of money.

Joy:
(about Victoria's underpants commercial) When do we tell her it's all over the internet?

Melanie:
Oh, I know. I saw it too.

Elka:
I posted it.

Elka:
How was the farmer's market?

Melanie:
Weird.

Joy:
In L.A., a farmer's market means sushi, pâté, and enchiladas.

Victoria:
This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

Joy:
I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting *my* mom, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.

Victoria:
You don't seem that drunk.

Joy:
Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.

Melanie:
Well, my mom hasn't let me leave the house since she got here. My childhood all over again. She just wants me to stay at home and eat. I was like a veal.

Alex Chase:
I don't watch much television.

Victoria:
(scornful) Of course not. It doesn't have a mirrored surface.

Elka:
My father and I argued about everything. The last fight we had was whether or not the gun was loaded. Two days later, bammo! Heart-attack!

Victoria:
(about having all the parents to the house) I could invite my father. But watch out. He hits on anything that moves.

Melanie:
(about her out-fit) As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.

Joy:
That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.

Elka:
Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.

Melanie:
Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.

Joy:
I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.

Elka:
I did. But then Nick asked me to dance and one thing led to another.

Victoria:
You cheated on Max?

Elka:
Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!

Joy:
(Melanie is going out with Anders) We're screwed.

Victoria:
Screwed, stewed, and tattooed. From a Tennessee Williams play. I played Esmeralda in summer stock.

Joy:
You know, I didn't think you'd be able to make this about yourself. I underestimated you.

Victoria:
Listen, fooling around with exes is a perfectly natural and often beautiful part of every relationship. I've slept with all of mine.

Elka:
Even the gay one?

Victoria:
Yes. He was questioning his sexuality, but as soon as we hit the sheets we got into a conversation about thread count, and well, game over!

Elka:
My friend Sheila crashes funerals to meet men. I'm going with!

Victoria:
But you have Max.

Elka:
Just because I'm chained to the fence doesn't mean I can't bark at the ground.

Zack:
Our production is doomed because the soccer coach is doubling as the drama teacher due to budget cuts.

Victoria:
God, I hate jocks.

Joy:
You were married to a wide-receiver.

Victoria:
I still don't know what sport that was!

Victoria:
Kids can be so ungrateful. I mean, you get them the best nannies money can buy and then they blackmail you with threats to write a Mommy Dearest.

Victoria:
Where's Elka? She said this disease had no symptoms and I'm out there limping around like Dr. House.

Melanie:
Elka said she looked it up on Wikipedia.

Victoria:
Wikipedia!?! Wikipedia says I'm 37, and I should know, I'm the one that corrected it.

Elka:
What did you think of my mall walk mix?

Will:
Not bad. A little surprised by all the Justin Bieber.

Elka:
Really? I love her!

Will:
He's a guy.

Elka:
They keep saying that, but I'm not buying it.

Victoria:
(about her Emmy nod) Now that Edge of Tomorrow is cancelled, this'll be my very last chance to show that Susan Lucci who the real queen of daytime is.

Joy:
Judge Judy?

Victoria:
You know, darling, instead of making fun, perhaps you should go and find the bottom half of your skirt.

Victoria:
We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces.

Joy:
Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends. All of them mine.

Melanie:
Five kids.

Joy:
Two grandkids.

Victoria:
Nieces, please!

Melanie:
We've just always had each others' backs,

Victoria:
Mm-hm.

Melanie:
for better and for worse.

Joy:
(regarding Melanie being stressed for saying "I love you" to Pete) I've blurted it out when I didn't mean it, too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.

Elka :
Couldn't you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?