King of the Hill, Season 1

Dale Gribble:
I know what's wrong with it. It's a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for, don't ya? It stands for 'Fix it again, Tony'.

Hank Hill:
You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.

Dale Gribble:
Fix... it... again...

Hank Hill:
Whatcha listenin' to, son?

Bobby Hill:
I don't think you'd like it.

Hank Hill:
Well, why not? I like this new generation of music. [puts headphones on]

Old woman on tape:
Hello?

Hank Hill:
[takes headphones off] Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds! Where did you record this?

Bobby Hill:
I bought it at the mall! It's the Funny Phone Jerks!

Hank Hill:
Let me tell you, Bobby, there's nothing "funny" about these sounds! What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder. Now you get ready for the game, OK?

Bobby Hill:
Yes, sir.

Hank Hill:
[leaving Bobby's room] That boy ain't right.

Hank Hill:
So, are you ready to kick some Wildcat butt, Bobby?

Bobby Hill:
Okay.

Peggy Hill:
Nah, don't you worry, son. You just do your best.

Hank Hill:
Don't listen to her, Bobby. If you wanna win, you're gonna have to do better than your best.

Bobby Hill:
How do I do that?

Hank Hill:
You gotta give a hundred and ten percent. That's what'll give you that winnin' edge.

Bobby Hill:
But what if the Wildcats give a hundred and ten percent, too?

Hank Hill:
Well, then you gotta try even harder.

Peggy Hill:
How about if Bobby gave a hundred and twelve percent?

Hank Hill:
Ahm ... sure, that'd work.

Bobby Hill:
Or maybe a hundred and thirteen?

Hank Hill:
[Annoyed] Yeah, yeah, that's even better.

Peggy Hill:
No, uh, I don't know. Thirteen is a very unlucky number.

Hank Hill:
Look, we're not talking about thirteen. We're talking about a hundred and thirteen, and even ... uh ... okay, give a hundred and twelve, what's the difference? Look, Bobby. Just do your best, okay?

Hank Hill:
Excuse me, where's the hardware department?

Buckley:
[Clueless] Where is the hardware department? Uhm, hm, what exactly is it you're looking for?

Hank Hill:
The hardware department.

Buckley:
Yeah, but are you looking for like a tool or something?

Hank Hill:
What difference does it make?

Buckley:
Huh, what difference does it make?

Hank Hill:
Okay, I'm lookin' for a tap-and-die and some WD-40.

Buckley:
Huh, what is it that you're trying to do?

Hank Hill:
[Losing patience] I'm tryin' to buy a tap-and-die and some WD-40 and get out of this God-forsaken store!

Buckley:
Uh ... and what is a tap-and-die?

Hank Hill:
Okay, forget it! Let's say I want a hammer. Do you know what a hammer is? That's what I want, a damned hammer! Now where in the hell would I go?

Nearby Customer 1:
Hey, that's that Hank Hill fella that lives on the block next to us.

Nearby Customer 2:
He sure has a temper, doesn't he?

Nearby Customer 1:
Sure does. Makes you wonder who gave his boy that black eye.

Buckley:
You're gonna have to pay for that, dude.

Hank Hill:
[Shouting] You're fired!

Hank Hill:
[referring to the sound of Bobby throwing a baseball at the living room wall] Dammit! There it is again! Where is that thumpin' comin' from? It's drivin' me crazy!

Dale Gribble:
Could be far-off helicopters... U.N. helicopters.

Hank Hill:
Dale! What're you doin'? Give me some light! Now! I can't see! (Hank drops his wrench) Ow, my arm! (The hood closes) Ow, my head!

Anthony Page:
Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset, and if you're projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private.

Hank Hill:
Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you!

Hank Hill:
Now you listen to me, mister. I work for a livin', and I mean real work, not writin' down gobbledegook! I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. Oh, when I think of all my hard earned tax dollars goin' ta pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you, it just makes me wanna ... oh ... oh God ... it just ...

Peggy Hill:
Hank?

Hank Hill:
Honey, bring me my BC headache powder and a glass of water.

Peggy Hill:
Alright, Hank.

Hank Hill:
Now you listen here. You see that boy? That's my boy! And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God, I'll tear ya a new one bigger'n the Grand Canyon! Now I want you to get out of my house, yer not welcome here! I mean now, before I give you a black eye! Git!

Bill Dauterive Dale, are you sure you want to be messin' with Hank's truck when he's not around?

Dale Gribble:
I'm gonna help get him this alternator off. (Dale cuts a wire).

Bill:
Ah, Dale, I think ya released the brake cable! Dale?

Dale:
No, I didn't. (The truck crashes into the garage door). I guess I'd better get goin', ah, I got some edging to do. (Dale grabs his cap out of the engine and he, along with Bill and Boomhauer, run back to their homes).

Dale Gribble:
[regarding global warming] I say let the world warm up, see what Boutros Boutros-Ghali-Ghali thinks about that! We'll grow oranges in Alaska.

Hank Hill:
Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas. It's already a hundred and ten in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!

Hank Hill:
Bobby, you can't make an omelette without breakin' eggs, and you can't get on base without takin' a swing.

Bobby Hill:
The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?

Hank Hill:
Don't play lawyer-ball, son.

Jeff Boomhauer:
[discussing Seinfeld] See that part where dang ol' George come in there, he talks 'bout tastin' his own burp and Kramer comes slidin' in there just like he always does. I tell ya what, man, them dang ol' New York boys, just a show about nothin'.

Bobby:
(Mocking his dad) Git out my house! My boy ain't much, but he's all I got!

Hank:
(Hank is lying on the bed) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy. My only son. But, oh, it's hard.

Peggy:
Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only Bobby didn't tell us.

Hank:
I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!

Peggy:
Alright, calm down, honey. Now, let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean, Bobby honestly doesn't think you love him all the time.

Hank:
That's crazy, 'Course I love him.

Peggy:
Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.

Hank:
What are you talkin' about?

Peggy:
I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.

Hank:
Well, I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised! What my father's like!

Cotton:
(shown in a flashback to Hank's youth) I got my shins blowed off by a Japanman's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!

Peggy:
Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch.

Hank:
Ah, jeez. Twig-boy coming over here... (Hank goes outside and talks to Bobby) Uh, you, uh, you're my son, uh, well, you know with everything uh, that entails, uh...

Bobby:
Uh-huh.

Hank:
Uh, huh, you know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness, and more, uh, heh, uh, you know what I mean, don't you, boy?

Bobby:
No.

Hank:
Uhh, well uh, (Hank makes a weird sound) Huh, that's a hell of a weird sound, I've never made that before. Uh, I, you, uh, family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. (sighs) Okay, I love you no matter what you do. There, phew, let's go get something to eat.

Bobby:
I'm not, just a big disappointment to you?

Hank:
Disappointment? No, you make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Dammit, you're my boy. Heh, you know better than that. (Bobby laughing)

Anthony Page:
He punched him! I, I knew it! I told them! Did-did you see that?

Guy:
See what, twig-boy?

Anthony Page:
(sighs) Never mind.

Peggy is attempting to say the names of reproductive organs for a sexual education class.:

Peggy Hill:
Happiness. Happ-i-ness. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. VAAAGINA!

[Hank does a spit-take with his beer.]:

Peggy:
Hey Hank, I just said...

Hank:
I heard ya. The whole neighborhood can hear you cussing.

Peggy:
It's not cussing Hank, to say the name of a god-given body part.

Hank:
Well it is if it's the part of a body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment. You're dealing with organs that people just don't want to know about.

Peggy:
Well, Bobby ought to know about 'em. We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did.

Hank:
Sure we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy. My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap! It says right here that he can't take the class without permission from both his parents!

Peggy:
Now, just hold on. Are you saying I'm not good enough to teach my own son?!

Hank:
If you do not approve, you do not have to sign, and I do not approve. Permission denied!

Peggy:
Now, Bobby, you may have noticed that there is a difference between a man and a woman.

Peggy:
...a rather obvious difference.

Bobby:
You mean the penis?

[Dale is leaving a message on the Hill's answering machine]

Dale Gribble:
You don't know who I am, but I know where you live and you better cut it out if you know what's good for you. Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee-off time to 3:00.

Hank Hill:
[As a child] When I grow up, I want to sell propane and propane accessories, if my grades are good enough!

Hank Hill:
We of the Order of the Straight Arrow call upon the spirit Wematanye, protector of the sacred ground that brings us cool water to drink and energy-efficient clean-burning propane gas for all our sacred heating and cooking needs. Wematanye says, respect the earth! She's ours, by God, our taxes pay for Her. Also, it says here you gotta love all Her creatures. Let's see...oh, here we go: Though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you're gonna recommend us to the spirit in the sky, with liberty and justice for all. Wematanye is with you, and with Texas. Amen.

Luanne:
Fish sticks? (begins to cry)

Hank Hill:
(repeated line) You look pretty.

Hank Hill:
Your heart is telling you?! Who's the boss, you or your heart? You are! Your heart is your employee! So get your heart off its butt and back to work!

Bill Dauterive:
He looks like an angel. A dead angel.

Jeff Boomhauer:
(crying) Why, man, dang ol' why, why?!

Dale Gribble:
It should have been Bill!

Peggy Hill:
Oh, Hank. We never got a chance to talk about your problem. And now... we never will.

C. Everett Koop:
Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.

Cotton Hill:
Goodbye, boy. See you in HELL!

Nancy Gribble:
(on TV) The temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees. And on a more personal note, I'd like to wish my friend Hank Hill a quick recovery from his embarrassing consti-

C. Everett Koop:
-pation.

Hank Hill:
(While constipated and watching his dog poo outside) Showoff.

Hank Hill:
"Don't touch me. I'm on the John."

Hank Hill:
What the hell kind of country is this where I can only hate a man if he's white?

Peggy Hill:
Do you... do you think my feet are too big, Hank?

Hank Hill:
No, hon. Just... more of you to love.

Peggy Hill:
Ow.

Hank Hill:
Oh, sorry.

Minh Souphanousinphone:
Kahn, please. For once try not to piss off neighbor. We kicked out of Laos, we kicked out of Anaheim... I tired of running.

Hank Hill:
So are you Chinese or Japanese?

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
I live in California last twenty year, but, ah... first come from Laos.

Hank Hill:
Huh?

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
Laos. We Laotian.

Bill Dauterive:
The ocean? What ocean?

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
We are Laotian--from Laos, stupid! It's a landlocked country in southeast Asia. It's between Vietnam and Thailand, OK? Population 4.7 million.

Hank Hill:
So are you Chinese or Japanese?

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
[groans]

Hank Hill:
He thinks just 'cause I'm from Texas that means I'm a redneck. Chinese people and their stupid stereotypes!

Dale Gribble:
They'll probably get you with a blow-dart; that's their way. But you'll just think its a mosquito bite until you die, then you'll know the truth.

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
: I could just stay home, order a bucket of chicken and watch Hee Haw; same thing [as going to the Hills' for dinner].

Hank Hill:
You know Kahn, we may deny our kids completely different deserts, but they both go to bed hungry, and that's what really matters.

Cotton Hill:
Bobby, I'm proud of what you did at school today....So I'm buyin' you a hooker!

Cotton Hill:
Well, you know me-- I'm larger than life.

Bobby Hill:
[Speaking to Joseph about Connie]: Oow. She's moody. Must be PBS.

Hank Hill:
Now you listen to me! THE NAME IS HANK HILL! MR. HANK HILL! PEGGY MARRIED ME! I DIDN'T MARRY HER! What are you

Peggy Hill:
(crying) I am so stupid!

Hank Hill:
Aw, you're not stupid. Heck, you're smarter than me.

Peggy Hill:
Oh, big deal.

Hank Hill:
Well, you're smarter than anyone else in Arlen.

Peggy Hill:
Well, whoop-dee-do. I am the smartest hillbilly in Hillbillytown.

Hank Hill:
I-I'm trying Peggy. I just... hey, you know, Coach always used to say something that would fire us up when we were behind.

Peggy Hill:
Yeah, what?

Hank Hill:
LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER! ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF?! WELL, YOU SHOULD BE CAUSE YOU ARE DIRT! YOU MAKE ME SICK YOU BIG BABY! BABY WANT A BOTTLE?! A BIG DIRT BOTTLE?!

Peggy Hill:
(crying) Why are you yelling at me?

Hank Hill:
Uh, well, I'm trying to be your coach. I... It's... It's inspiring.

Peggy Hill:
Well, thank you, cause I feel worse than ever.

Hank Hill:
Well, it worked for the team.

Peggy Hill:
No, It didn't. You went to State and lost.

Hank Hill:
Ah, jeez. I think I need one of those $8 beers.

Minh Souphanousinphone:
: Thank you for Boggle lesson, Peggy Hill. Maybe next weekend I teach you mahjong. Bring your checkbook!

Hank Hill:
Is this John occupied? Esta es Juan occupado?

Bobby Hill:
Sí.

Joseph Gribble:
Dad, I'm sorry! I'll never smoke again.

Dale Gribble:
Whoa, hold on, son! I want you to keep an open mind so you can make an informed decision. If you want, you can read a bloated government report on smoking or go straight to the horse's mouth and get the facts from the tobacco industry.

Hank Hill:
For God's sakes, Bobby, what nationality are you?

Bobby Hill:
American.

Hank Hill:
Then why are you holding your cigarette like some kind of European Nazi in a movie?

Bobby Hill:
Why does it matter? I thought smoking was bad.

Hank Hill:
That's not the right sort of attitude for you to have. Whatever you do, you should do right, even if it's something wrong.

Hank Hill:
Uh, I got to go do some stuff. I think I might have left the blender turned on.

Peggy Hill:
(to Bobby) Only trailer trash smoke nowadays. Do you wanna look like trailer trash?

Luanne Platter:
(crying) That's not fair! I don't smoke!

Peggy Hill:
Oh, honey, you are not trash just 'cause you grew up in a trailer and your mama's in prison.

Peggy Hill:
Uh, Hank, there is a "tile" in the bathroom that I think we missed.

Hank Hill:
Really? Well, I better check that out.

Hank goes into the bathroom.

Hank Hill:
Heh-heh-heh!

He sees a cigarette, smokes a few puffs, then returns to the kitchen.

Hank:
Well, I found the "tile" - thank you very much, Peggy - and I looked at it but there's still some more "tile" for you to look at.

Peggy Hill:
You know, I think I will save the rest of my "tile" for after breakfast.

Bobby Hill:
Will you stop talking about your stupid tile?! If it's so dirty go clean it, and if it's clean you can shut up!

He stubs out his breakfast sausage as if it were a cigarette and leaves the table.

Hank Hill:
(at a cold turkey support group meeting, glaring at the counselor) I got the strangest feeling someone's gonna kick his ass.

Kick the Butt Club Counselor:
Hey, there, why don't you tell us your name and how long you've been smoking.

Hank Hill:
Uh, I'd rather not.

Kick the Butt Club Counselor:
I understand. It's not easy to admit we're weak.

Hank Hill:
You're calling me weak? Look at your little birdy arms, they're no thicker than a cigarette. I could smoke them little arms.

Kick the Butt Club Counselor:
It's beautiful how you came out to support your daddy.

Bobby Hill:
I'm a smoker, too.

Everyone gasps.

Kick the Butt Club Counselor:
How long have you been addicted to cigarettes?

Bobby Hill:
Since my dad let me smoke a whole carton.

Hank Hill:
Wait a minute, I didn't let him, I made him. It was a punishment.

Bill Dautrieve:
Can I get a new buddy?

Audience member:
What is wrong with him?

Kick the Butt Club Counselor:
You are sick, sir! You shouldn't be allowed to have children!

Hank Hill:
Now hold on a minute here. I didn't bring my family here to be yelled at. I don't think I like this club. You all whine too much, and the coffee's bad. I'll tell you what you need to do. You need to take a thirteenth step... down off your high horse!

Luanne Platter:
Here's to three of the bravest individuals in all of Arlen. To the Hills and their tobacco-free future!

Hank Hill:
My God, are you still talking?

Bobby Hill:
Why's my potato got skin on it? I hate skin!

Peggy Hill:
I will not sit here and have my work insulted. What, do you think the potatoes just fly into the bowl and mash themselves?!

Luanne Platter:
I know y'all don't mean none of those harsh words. It's just the nicotine withdrawal.

Hank Hill:
Why is she still talking?!

Peggy Hill:
Well, look at us. At each other's throats. And after all we've been through. This family has survived fires and twisters and every strain of flu the Orient could throw at us. Well, we are not going to be done in by a lousy tobacco leaf.

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
Put on shoes, hillbilly!

Kahn Souphanousinphone:
Where I come from we got this thing called karma. You do something bad, it come back and bite you in the ass! Big, white, stubborn ass!

Bobby Hill:
(Hypnotized by the Queen) ...YES... ...MY... ...QUEEN...

Hank Hill:
(Said to Dale Gribble after he mistakenly thought Dale had died from a poisonous ant attack) You gave your life to save my son. I guess that makes us even for you ruinin' my lawn. What am I saying? Of course, it makes us even!

Bobby:
(Talking to a mannequin head) "You look really special tonight."

Peggy:
We'll move to Berlin. Bobby will be accepted there. I read somewhere that Germans are a very tolerant people. Their culture admires all kinds of freaks.

Peggy Hill:
I know it is not my fault. If anything, this is your fault. You made him go to that camp with no toilet doors.

Hank Hill:
Don't point your finger at me, woman. You're the one who parks him in front of the TV and makes him watch all them Muppets. They got frogs kissing pigs, what the hell did they think was going to happen?

Hank Hill:
I tell you h'what that boy ain't right...