Law & Order, Season 8

Briscoe:
Dale! Now, let's do this the easy way. All right? Just open the door, and come out nice and slow!

Tagger:
I can't.

Curtis:
We're not gonna hurt you.

Tagger:
I got no pants.

Curtis:
It's just us guys out here, Dale. Nothin' we haven't seen before.

Tagger:
Either I get my pants, or I don't come out.

Briscoe:
[grabs Tagger's pants] All right, Dale. Here. Here. Look out the keyhole now. See? Here's your pants. Now, I'm tossin' 'em to ya.

[he drops the pants in front of the bathroom door]

Briscoe:
All you have to do is reach out and grab 'em. Go ahead.

Tagger:
Okay. I'm openin' up the door.

[he opens the door; Curtis knocks the door into his head]

Tagger:
OW! No! Liar! I want my pants!

Curtis:
[takes him away] Why, Dale? I don't see anything here worth covering up.

[Van Buren and her detectives, disguised as gang members, stake out Central Park in an attempt to find Tagger and Timon]

Briscoe:
Okay. So the rumble in the jungle-- The night before, Angelo Dundee gets a big wrench and goes around all 4 corners and loosens the top. That's the Rope-a-Dope!

Lt. Van Buren:
But it was Muhammad Ali who did the floatin' and the stingin'. The man was sweet! A poet!

Gang Member:
A real poet is Milton. You wanna understand the ways of God, Milton's your boy.

Briscoe:
When it comes to understandin' the ways of God, I prefer malt to Milton.

Lt. Van Buren:
I know! That's right! [laughs and high-fives Briscoe]

Schiff:
Clarence Darrow had Leopold and Loeb. Who do we have?

McCoy:
Beavis and Butthead.

Ross:
The Church protects murderers, the law says 2 people can fire the same bullet, and the victim's mother forgives her son's killers. You figure it out.

McCoy:
You don't think you could? Forgive them, I mean?

Ross:
No.

McCoy:
Neither could I. What does that say about us?

Curtis:
[about Christina Talbert's pregnancy] How could a mother miss something like that?

Lt. Van Buren:
Wait till your daughters grow up.

Ross:
A baby's dead and no one's responsible.

Schiff:
No one was responsible when it was alive, either.

Briscoe:
So what happened to the dog?

Officer:
It's with my partner.

Briscoe:
Where's your partner?

Officer:
Lincoln Hospital. Paramedics couldn't pry the dog from his butt.

Briscoe:
What kind of dog?

Officer:
Chihuahua.

Briscoe:
Let me know how they word the commendation.

[A celebrated female pilot is discovered to be a fraud]

Ross:
It's like finding out Amelia Earhart flew to Bakersfield and hid out for 50 years.

McCoy:
I got over Pete Rose.

Sutter:
I got bent over a chair by Miss Ross before. Now I'm getting another tingling sensation in my butt. Why is that?

Ross:
...wishful thinking?

Judge Torledsky:
Bail, Miss Ross?

Ross:
$500,000 on the doctor, your honor, and status quo for Mr. Camacho.

Sutter:
I'm sorry. I still don't see why we're here.

Ross:
People request the cases against Mr. Camacho and Dr. Cosgrove be consolidated.

Hilburne:
On what grounds?

Ross:
The People allege they both killed Nancy O'Neal.

Dr. Cosgrove:
What? Me and this gangster?!

Hilburne:
Your honor, Dr. Cosgrove is a respected surgeon!

Judge Torledsky:
Enough! Elias Camacho remains remanded. Bail is set for Donald Cosgrove at $500,000. Now, go yell at somebody else. [bangs gavel]

Ross:
Governments are like elephants - they never forget.

Christie:
Admit it, Mr. McCoy - we won.

McCoy:
You didn't win. The system you want to destroy did.

Dr. Skoda:
You're about to look into a very ugly corner of the human heart. Bring a shovel.

Harmon:
It went too far; I am sorry about that. Try to understand, Jamie.

Ross:
It's not in the job description.

Briscoe:
OK, let me see if I got this straight: Stanley Somebody who's a fashion photographer someplace, lives in some appartment probably in a building at 114th and Riverside, and has a message about a murder of somebody who might be named Dee-dee.

Rattinger:
That's right!

Briscoe:
Yeah, thanks for coming in.

Ross:
[about Anderton] Last year he made a surprise takeover bid for Commonwealth Airlines. One week later, he withdrew the bid, and accused the FAA and the stockholders of conspiring against him. It's classic manic-depressive behavior.

Schiff:
Doesn't make sense. Runs a Fortune 500 company.

McCoy:
So did Howard Hughes.

Briscoe:
[about Van Buren's lawyer] Who's she, the new community affairs liaison?

Lt. Van Buren:
[evasive] No. What do you have?

Curtis:
Come on, L.T. What's up?

Lt. Van Buren:
Better you hear it from me. She's my lawyer. I was up for captain. One Police Plaza passed me over.

Briscoe:
You're suing the department?

Lt. Van Buren:
Title VII -- they promoted a white woman with the same score on the exam. I have the seniority.

Briscoe:
I'm sorry we asked.

McCoy:
Who's the judge?

Schiff:
Sawyer.

McCoy:
The one who returned those 2 kids back to their crackhead mother?

Schiff:
Who later beat them to death. Yes, it's the same Sawyer.

[Briscoe and Curtis have just found proof that a suspect's car was involved in a hit and run]

Briscoe:
Your car came back from Russia, Bernie, with love.

McCoy:
He kills 3 people and hides behind the bottle.

Ross:
The law says he can.

McCoy:
The law. [scoffs] Probably written on a cocktail napkin. Intent follows the bullet! It shouldn't matter if it was fired by a drunk or Carrie Nation.

Schiff:
The whole world says her father's a murderer, one guy tells her he's sick. She heard what she wanted to hear.

Ross:
We all do.

McCoy:
Yeah, but we don't all pay $40,000 to hear it.

McCoy:
Gentlemen, the question remains: at the time of the murder, did she appreciate the consequences of her actions?

Skoda:
Yes.

Mayer:
No.

Ross:
Terrific.

Chandler:
In those S&M scenes, they were rehearsing what happened to them.

Presssman:
He's something, isn't he?

McCoy:
So was Ted Bundy.

McCoy:
Mr. Pressman is right: This is not a First Amendment issue. We can all agree that what we see powerfully affects us, but that doesn't excuse us from being decent human beings, or from making moral choices. What we choose to watch, and how we react, is up to us. The baby boom generation, to which Congressman Maxwell and I both belong, grew up watching hundreds of hours of violent TV. We dressed up like Davy Crockett, with his trusty rifle, Old Betsy. Like Hopalong Cassidy, with his pearl-handled 6-shooters. And what was the result of all this make-believe TV-inspired violence? We grew up to be a generation that marched against war, and preached peace, love, and flower power. And yes, Mr. Pressman watched the Vietnam War on TV, and how did that change him? I looked up his record. He became a conscientious objector, and a Harvard Law professor. Dangerous guy, huh? We are creatures of free will and moral choice. No matter what we see, read, or hear, we still make choices. Eddie Chandler, a man who murdered and tortured 2 innocent people, chose evil.

[McCoy is prosecuting a woman who allegedly paid a man to impregnate her comatose daughter]

Harry:
What good will all this do?

McCoy:
Mr. Singer, your wife and Mr. Harding plunged into a moral quagmire that the law can only begin to address. Maybe they'll both drown in it.

Dr. Skoda:
Al Napoli, the Diaper Don!

Schiff:
[after a guilty verdict] Let's go inform the public of the good news. Happy faces, everyone...

Ross:
They discussed the plan over dinner.

McCoy:
"Have some more wine. By the way, we have to kill him now."

Mr. Burke:
[after Atkins' allocution] You killed my wife to win a divorce case, and you're SORRY?!!

Lt. Van Buren:
[having heard of Briscoe's testimony] Where the hell do you get off pullin' a stunt like this?

Briscoe:
They were gonna dismiss the charges.

Lt. Van Buren:
So you lied to a judge?

Briscoe:
I didn't lie.

Lt. Van Buren:
I'm lookin' at the transcript, Lennie. You're an inch away from perjury!

Briscoe:
More like a foot, foot and a half.

Lt. Van Buren:
[slams the transcript on her desk] I am not laughing. How dare you go behind my back on somethin' like this.

Briscoe:
We owe this girl something. We called her a liar, and we sent her straight into Lowery's arms. Well, I don't think she lied, and that's what I said.

Curtis:
And thanks to you, Lowery's gonna walk.

Briscoe:
What the hell's that supposed to mean? I stopped him from walking.

Curtis:
What, for a couple of minutes? His lawyer just subpoenaed me to testify at the trial. For the defense!

Briscoe:
Fine! So back me up.

Lt. Van Buren:
One of my detectives lying under oath is more than enough! Thank you! That's it!

Ross:
Did you lie?

Curtis:
Look, I felt sorry for her. I didn't think that she should get fired from her job.

Ross:
Is that a yes? You lied?

Curtis:
Yes.

Ross:
Are you lying now?

Coffee Shop Clerk:
Anyway, how about a free large latte on the house?

Briscoe:
[gestures to Curtis] Maybe for the kid here, but I'd like a regular coffee.

Coffee Shop Clerk:
Okay, how would you like it?

Briscoe:
Uh, regular?

Melnick:
You turning soft on me, Jack?

McCoy:
You know I'm a sucker for an execution. I'm just here for the tortellini.

[Briscoe and Curtis question Joe Sutter, who is suspected of killing his quadriplegic son]

Briscoe:
Look what's happened to your beautiful family. Your wife is sleeping with some dance instructor, your daughter is one step away from living on the street, and you have no money, and it's all because of that kid!

Joe:
You don't know me, if you knew me, you would see...

Briscoe:
Oh, I know you. If you had the stones...

Curtis:
You don't know this man, Lennie. This isn't about money or adultery or anything like that, is it, Joe? My wife's got MS. I picture her life 10 years from now, and it kills me because it might not be a pretty picture. You picture your son. He used to be strong. Played soccer, yeah?

Joe:
Yes.

Curtis:
My wife used to run 3 miles every morning. Did you imagine Michael at 20 years old, 40 years old, still in the same bedroom, still in the same tortured pain?

Joe:
[choked up] Yeah.

Curtis:
Me, too. And you wanna know the worst part? I know why it's happening. It's my fault. God is punishing her for something I did.

Joe:
No, you can't think that way!

Curtis:
I try to tell myself that. I try to think that. But every time I look at her, I feel the guilt. Every time I look at my daughters, and think about what they're going to lose... Someone you love is in pain. They have no hope. What can you do to help this person? How often have you asked yourself this question? Every time you bathe him?

Joe:
[in tears] Every time I kiss him goodnight.

Curtis:
And you knew there was only one way out. You had to do it. You had to do it because you loved him. Let it go. It was an act of love, Joe.

Joe:
[sobs] I love Michael! Maybe I... but I didn't do this. I didn't kill him.

Joe:
Can I leave?

Lt. Van Buren:
Not for another 30 years.

McCoy:
This case is not a debate about euthanasia. It's about a thrill-killing by a monster masquerading as an angel of mercy. Michael Sutter is dead. He was murdered. That's all that matters.

Lt. Van Buren:
You want to take me on, little girl? Well, let me tell you something: you better be packing more than a dirty mouth.

Anderton:
Remember what LBJ said when they were hammering him about Vietnam? 'Felt like a hitch-hiker on a highway in a Texas hailstorm, can't run, can't hide, can't make it stop.' I'm putting you on that highway, Adam.

Judge Wright:
Does the defense wish to make a motion?

Painter:
CPL 290.10. The defense moves to set aside the jury's verdict.

McCoy:
Objection! The prosecution proved its case!

Judge Wright:
What case, Mr. McCoy? Have we gone so far down the road of political correctness that sex between willing partners is now called rape?! The girl said yes!

McCoy:
She has the mind of a child!

Judge Wright:
Well, she's mature enough to be plenty intrigued by her own sexuality. Face it, counselor. She had the time of her life. Case dismissed.

Judge Wright:
Now, Valerie, Hayden called you a retard, and you told him you weren't. Is that right?

Valerie:
Yes, sir.

Judge Wright:
And after that, did he keep on calling you a retard?

Valerie:
No.

Judge Wright:
Did you like what the boys did to you?

Valerie:
I did what I wanted.

Painter:
Your honor, the defense requests you deny the state's motion to reverse your prior ruling.

Judge Wright:
Granted.

McCoy:
You set aside the jury's verdict, because you unfairly held the state responsible for proving the boys' prior knowledge. The state has now done so, and you STILL refuse?!!

Judge Wright:
Mr. McCoy, it's over! There is no case here. There never was!

McCoy:
How would you know?! You made up your mind before you heard the first word of testimony!

Judge Wright:
You're on thin ice, counselor! The defense request is granted! The state's motion is denied! You want to appeal?! Be my guest!

[after seeing Cathy's dead body]

Briscoe:
She was my baby, Rey! What am I gonna do?

Curtis:
Come home with me, partner.

Lowry:
Look, what he likes me to do, you can't get pregnant from, okay?

Ross:
I see Abbot isn't trying to keep the press from doing its job today.

McCoy:
Today, it's news.

Lt. Van Buren:
5 more teams to cover 1 shift. That's all I need.

Commander Dietz:
Can't spare them.

Lt. Van Buren:
I bet if this was some 5-year-old white beauty queen, you'd be out there ringing the doorbells yourself.

Commander Dietz:
This has nothing to do with race.

Lt. Van Buren:
Then it's me. My lawsuit.

Commander Dietz:
Anita, don't get emotional.

Lt. Van Buren:
Are you all so petty that you'd endanger the lives of the people we're supposed to protect?

Commander Dietz:
Petty? The department has better ways to spend its resources than defending itself against petty lawsuits.

Lt. Van Buren:
I was within my rights. The department promoted a white woman with less seniority. Maybe you all forgot, but we can sit at the lunch counter now!

McCoy:
Doctor, you'll probably get a call from an attorney named Considine. He represents Jesse Castillo. He'll ask about Malika's condition. I'd like you to tell him that Malika has become aware of her surroundings, and the chances of her recovery are good. I know what I'm asking you to do.

Dr. Charters:
Good. Then you know why I can't.

McCoy:
You know more than anyone what was done to that little girl.

Dr. Charters:
Yes, but I have an ethical duty...

McCoy:
So do I. Mine is stopping monsters like Jesse Castillo, and yours is keeping more Malika Richardsons from turning up in your emergency room.

McCoy:
I'm playing legal tiddy-winks with these punks. What I'd really like to do is take them out by Battery Park and hang them up by the scrotum.

Curtis:
You ever pay for it, Lennie?

Briscoe:
I was married, wasn't I?

Ramirez:
[mis-reads Munch's guest pass] "Defective Monk"?

Munch:
That's Detective Munch, with a "ch".

Ramirez:
Defective monk. That's like a fallen angel. That's what Brittany was.

Munch:
[sighs] Yeah, I can see that.

Ross:
His whole life was a charade. It's pathetic.

McCoy:
Maybe thirty, forty years ago, it made more sense.

Schiff:
Back then, they had lynch mobs and bull-whips. Now, they use toilet plungers. Progress.

Schiff:
I won't go down like the Titanic.

Greta:
God owed me a grandchild. God owed me!

Briscoe:
Divorce lawyers: God's way of telling you to stay single.

Curtis:
Or married.

Briscoe:
Some other people we talked to said May was shy, but everybody liked her. Fun, not wild, a little naïve. If she'd been a little more streetwise...

Lt. Van Buren:
...maybe she would have been killed on the street.

Adler:
I've always supported you, Adam. Every time you've come up for re-election, I've busted my hump for you, and I've never asked for anything in return. But if you don't back off on this one, I'll bury you.

Schiff:
Start digging.