Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Season 10

Captain Cragen:
Fin, grab Elliot and go check out the Lydia. [Fin does not leave] There a problem?

Fin:
You know my beef with Stabler. He's a total head case. I'd rather have any other partner.

Captain Cragen:
It's not ladies' choice today, detective. Suck it up. Do your job.

Fin:
You got my request for transfer 3 months ago. Any idea what's holdin' that up?

Captain Cragen:
Nope.

Fin:
You signed off on the 5-7?

Captain Cragen:
And gave you a glowing recommendation. If you like, I'll call the Chief of D's office, see where it's at.

Fin:
That's great. Thanks.

Captain Cragen:
No problem. In the meantime, you've got an assignment.

Munch:
Ah, the smell of stale beer and quiet desperation. Did I ever tell you about the bar I owned in Baltimore?

Fin:
'Bout a kazillion times.

Munch:
I'd like to open one up here, but the real estate's a bit pricier.

Munch:
I'm gonna need investors. You interested?

Fin:
What you smokin'?

Munch:
Come on. Then we'd get to still be partners after you left the squad. That is, if you're really leaving.

Fin:
Watch me.

Munch:
You know, if one more person dumps me, I'm gonna start taking it personally. Aside from my wives, there was Jeffries, Cassidy, Meldrick, Stan "The Big Man" Bolander. Stan the Man was my mentor in Baltimore, just like I am yours. Circle of life, my friend. Circle of life.

[after Stabler's credit card case has been solved, Kathleen walks up to him]

Kathleen:
Dad!

Stabler:
Kathleen, what are you doin' here?

Kathleen:
You had my boyfriend arrested? What the hell?

Stabler:
What are you talkin' about?

Kathleen:
Tony didn't steal your credit card. I had to buy some books for school, so I borrowed it when I was home on Sunday.

Stabler:
You didn't buy any books! You never told me you had a boyfriend.

Kathleen:
Well, I do, and you'd better make it right.

Stabler:
I'd better make-- What did you just say to me? What did you just say to me?!

Benson:
Ell.

Kathleen:
Tony didn't do anything.

Stabler:
[heads back to the squad room] We're not gonna talk about this now. And you're gonna get that thing removed from your leg!

Kathleen:
You have a tattoo. [leaves]

Berlin:
[to Stabler] You have kids, I can tell. Can I see some family photos? [pause] I promise not to drool.

Lisa:
I love my husband.

Munch:
I know you do, Lisa.

Lisa:
I don't want to be here. I don't want to do this. [in tears] But I don't wanna die!

Munch:
That's good to hear. Have a seat.

Stabler:
Patrol dumped this one on us, why? Because a whack job was found naked in the shower?

Benson:
Elliot!

Stabler:
Last week it was because a guy had his johnson out taking a piss in the alley. What's next? Fido puppy humping in the dog run?

Benson:
Elliot! I called you in.

Stabler:
Why, because your "Spidey Sense" tells you she was a rape victim?

Benson:
Because she's your daughter.

Stabler:
My daughter needed a shark, you're the deadliest one I know.

Maddox:
Thanks?

Amateur Pornographer:
Sex is dangerous. At its heart it's a power stuggle between a man and a woman.

Stabler:
Not if you do it right.

Finley:
C'mon, Elliot. It doesn't have to go down this way. We can solve this together. 2 marines.

Stabler:
You killed that woman. You dumped her body in the river. You had the nerve to shake my boy's hand!

Dr. Hutton:
I have patients waiting.

Stabler:
God help them.

Dr. Warner:
You're a murderer and a false prophet.

Dr. Hutton:
That's what they said about Jesus Christ.

Fidelia:
Do you want to see the awesome stroller I picked out?

Benson:
Fidelia, this is a baby we're talking about, it's not an accessory, it's not a bracelet or a pair of earrings or a slammin' pair of jeans. This is a living breathing human being you're bringing onto this earth.

Fidelia:
You think I don't know that?

Benson:
If you did you'd be petrified about your future. Do you know the odds of a teen mom finishing high school? Forget college, or any other dream you might have. Life as you know it is over. There's no going to the mall or hanging out with your friends. I mean, you might see them, but it'll probably be in line waiting for food stamps, or all of you going to the doctor trying to get an appointment at the free clinic.

Fidelia:
Daddy, make her be quiet.

Gordon:
That's enough, detective.

Benson:
Do you know the health risks to babies of teen moms? Dyslexia, retardation, um, increased risks of blindness, cerebral palsy.

Fidelia:
Daddy!

Gordon:
Don't you blame my daughter. She's just a child.

Benson:
That is my point exactly.

Gots:
That girl done seen more nuts than a can of Planters.

[Stabler comes back into work from traction after a gunshot]

Fin:
[to Benson] Told you he wouldn't take a day off. You owe me 50 bucks.

Judge Donnelly:
Did you ask Linnie how she escaped?

Benson:
No. Does it matter?

Judge Donnelly:
She asked for a meeting to discuss a plea bargain. I let her use the bathroom, she crawled out the window.

Benson:
So you took the fall?

Judge Donnelly:
For years, whenever a rookie ADA pulled a stupid move, it was known as "doin' a Donnelly".

Brent:
You've got a lot of nerve, detective.

Benson:
Why? Because you can't tell me what to do?

Benson:
Would you have killed him?

Sgt. Pruitt:
Would you have shot me?

Benson:
I can't answer that, and you deserve to know why. I was sexually assaulted 6 months ago.

Sgt. Pruitt:
Quit kicking yourself.

Benson:
That's easy to say, and hard to do.

Sgt. Pruitt:
It takes practice. You'll get there.

Benson:
You can't tell me that there's no connection between porn and rape.

Fin:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, look. I've enjoyed adult entertainment a time or 2 and I have never forced a woman.

Benson:
So after what we see all day, you go home and watch women being degraded to get off?

Fin:
All women don't feel the same way you do about porn. My girl digs it. Plus you've got women running multi-million dollar porn production companies.

Stabler:
Women making porn? That's like the whore on the corner working her way up to pimp. Doesn't make it right.

Fin:
Lighten up choir boy. You don't have to be a perv to like porn.

Benson:
Oh, yeah? Then how come people don't put V for Vagina next to Vertigo on their bookshelves?

Fin:
'Cause they're afraid of being judged by prudes like you.

[having seen footage of a rape in court]

Lutz:
Turn it off!

Greylek:
Are you sure? [looks at his crotch] Because that's not an objection you're raising.

Stabler:
[suspect starts to run away from Stabler and Benson] Got a runner! [the suspect turns and runs away; Benson and Stabler follow] Vasco, stop!

Fin:
[punches the suspect in the face; the suspect falls to the ground] We got a dropper!

Vasko:
Where's Kristen? I would like to see her.

Benson:
And I would like to see you castrated with a rusty steak knife. Neither are going to happen, but we can both dream.

Alik:
Ah, here comes the boss lady.

Greylek:
Save the grin, ass-wipe.

Burke:
You ever see a nerd spaz out? It's ugly.

Geno:
[about a jewelry heist] My whole life I never made a haul half this rich.

Stabler:
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

[Fin helps Stabler restrain a suspect]

Stabler:
I had him!

Fin:
Yeah like Custer had the Indians.

Sid:
Are you a dancer?

Benson:
No, Sid. I`m a detective, remember?

Sid:
Oh... You're pretty enough to be a dancer.

Benson:
Thank you, Sid.

Sid:
[to Stabler] You're not.

Stabler:
That's the cross I bear.

Stabler:
So you steal from the rich pharmaceutical companies and give to the poor transsexuals? You're kinda like Robin Hood and Maid Marion all rolled into one, huh?

Stabler:
How do you know when a lawyer is lying?

Benson:
When his lips are moving?

[while investigating Dr. Keppler's murder]

Fin:
What are we waitin' on?

Stabler:
Cragen. He says we don't touch the place until Greylek sees it, just in case IAB wants to screw with us again.

Munch:
You sure Greylek's not on one of her "I gotta be at the crime scene" crusades?

Fin:
[looks ahead] That's not Greylek.

[the other detectives look ahead and notice Captain Cragen arriving with the original ADA:
Alexandra Cabot]

Benson:
Alex!

Alex:
What have we got?

Stabler:
Where's Greylek?

Alex:
New administration called her back to the justice department. DA let her leave immediately.

Benson:
And McCoy drafted you to fill in.

Alex:
I wasn't drafted. Jack asked me.

Benson:
No one told us about it.

Alex:
I only accepted an hour ago.

[Alex and Granger gather in Judge Moredock's chambers after Jeff's testimony]

Granger:
I want her brought before the disciplinary committee for badgering Jeffrey. My clients are furious.

Alex:
Clients?! Jeffrey Lynwood is your client. Not his parents. [to the judge] I'm moving to disqualify Mr. Granger as counsel.

Granger:
Oh, she's posturing.

Alex:
You're a sleaze bag! You're letting Jeffrey's father call the shots, because he can pay you and Jeffrey can't.

Granger:
I'm acting in my client's best interests.

Judge Moredock:
Your client has as much business on a witness stand as I do riding in a rodeo! Only a horse's ass would ignore his diminished mental capacity.

Granger:
You're outta line, your honor.

Judge Moredock:
And you are a disgrace to the defense bar, Mr. Granger! And if you don't get your act in line, I'll grant her motion and report you to the disciplinary committee. Now, get out!

Birdie:
[after learning that she is dying] No one ever said that life was fair, only that it was eventful.

Birdie:
[to her nephew] Oh, Chet. 30 years at your Aunt Birdie's side, and you never learned not to cross her.

Okello:
Everything I touch, everything I love, I corrupt.

Munch:
He goes by many names- Satan, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, Old Nick...

Stabler:
Let's not forget Ryan Seacrest.

Stabler:
[to Angela about Mark] He scare you?

Angela:
Yes! He once tied a cat to a bus. He dropped another one off a sixth-story walk-up. He's a mistake, I don't know whose - mine or God's!

Moran:
Serial murder's gone global.

[Alex texts on her phone during Ashley's arraignment]

Judge Cohen:
How does the defendant plead?

Devere:
Not guilty, your honor.

Judge Cohen:
I'll hear the People on bail.

[Alex is still texting]

Judge Cohen:
Miss Cabot, are we keeping you from some important business?

Alex:
[stops texting] Uh, I'm sorry, your honor. The People request remand.

Devere:
What?

Alex:
The defendant has established a pattern of theft and obfuscation. We consider her an extreme flight risk.

Devere:
Miss Walker has no criminal record. To keep her locked up over these 2 charges is ridiculous.

[Alex resumes texting]

Judge Cohen:
That sounds a little extreme, even for you, Miss Cabot. And if you don't put that phone down, I'm gonna hold you in contempt!

Benson:
She's not a sex offender, and you're ruining her life.

Judge Marsden:
You know, I am so tired of these kids waltzing in here thinking they can do whatever the hell they want and get away with it. Someone has to take a stand.

Benson:
Is that it? Or do you just get off on the power?

Pond:
Olivia.

Judge Marsden:
Mock me again, Olivia, and I'll hold you in contempt.

Benson:
How? I thought this was just a friendly chat.

Judge Marsden:
That's it.

Pond:
Your honor, you don't have the authority to sanction Detective Benson...

Judge Marsden:
Watch this. Officer? Take Detective Benson and Miss Pond down to the lockup; they're in contempt.

Judge Marsden:
Officer, take the respondent into custody. We're adjourned. [slams gavel]

Stabler:
The only one going into custody is you. [flashes his badge]

Judge Marsden:
What the hell is this?

Copeland:
The end of a nightmare for hundreds of kids.

Brunsen:
Look at this! Pants ruined. Loot at this: bite marks! I should be in the hospital getting checked for rabies!

Benson:
I seriously doubt you gave the dog rabies.

[Stabler interviews serial child killer Roy Lee Dotson]

Stabler:
You a member of NAMBLA?

Dotson:
Nah. I'm no homo. I like boys and girls. They're pretty much the same at that age - no grass on the field.

Harrison:
Judge, you're a lone beacon of hope in the struggle against global mind control.

Judge Donnelly:
Save it. You're a murderer walking on a technicality. If it were up to me, you'd be in the nuthouse where you belong.

Stuckey:
You're the nut for letting him go.

Judge Donnelly:
Is everybody crazy today? Five minute recess. [bangs gavel] People! Take your meds.

Stuckey:
I have been a busy little zebra, haven't I?

Greylek:
So, how does this work? Do we all go out for a celebratory drink?

Munch:
Well, if we had a bar, drinks would be on the house.

Stabler:
The minute Dad dies, you sell the house and move here.

Bernie:
What was I supposed to do, get on my knees and say my rosary and pray for his immortal soul?

Stabler:
He sure as hell needed it.

Bernie:
[laughs] And then some.

Kathleen:
Grams, do you think I'm crazy?

Bernie:
Do you feel crazy?

Kathleen:
I don't know. It's like the world is full of all these ding-a-ling force fields and every time I touch one, I shimmer.

Bernie:
Yeah, and sometimes just the thought of getting out of bed makes you so tired, you feel like you need a 12 hour nap?

Kathleen:
Yeah. How did you know?

Bernie:
[smiles] That's the price we pay for greatness.

Munch:
Any idea where our crispy critter came from?

Warner:
Follow the bloody brick road.

Fidelia:
So what's your story?

Benson:
Excuse me?

Fidelia:
You have kids? You're pretty old.

Benson:
I'm here to talk about you.

Fidelia:
I bet you're jealous. Old chicks are totally jealous of me. Is that it? Did you wait too long? Tick-tock…

Benson:
So they're taking recruits with criminal records now. What's one more murdering bastard with a gun?

[Stabler and Detective Moran are in the interrogation room with Ocurro, showing him pictures of the victims]

Ocurro:
I'm sorry, I don't recognize them. I feel bad for their families...

Stabler:
You don't feel anything. I mean, he feels excitement when he goes up to their door, wondering, Is she the one? She's right, she's mine.

Moran:
But when he makes his move, she rejects him. Yells at him. He gets enraged, punches her in the face just to teach her a lesson.

Stabler:
Seeing her lying there, bleeding, helpless, that turns him on. He lusts after her.

Moran:
Maybe he ties her up, and then she is his for as long as he wants. When he's finished, he looks at what he's done.

Stabler:
This broken, battered, dead thing that you made. You're pumped with power. So proud of what you've done that you've just gotta show it off. So you pose the victim for whoever finds her.

Ocurro:
You don't know me.

Stabler:
Well, we will, because we're searching your apartment. We're going through your private things.

Moran:
How's it feel to be violated, Mr. Ocurro?

Stabler:
Who called you in?

Devere:
Ralph Walker. Apparently, he saw me on television.

Stabler:
And what, dialed 1-800-Weasel?