Married... with Children, Season 2

Lady:
Anything else I can do for you?

Peg:
Al, maybe she can bend down again and pick up your tongue.

Al:
Peg, just stand there and age. I'm busy.

Al:
Oh, only my loving family. Now I'm wondering why I'm running FROM the axe.

Steve:
They think back: "Let's see... who was the last person in the bank on Saturday? Who had the opportunity? Why, it was Rhoades. No wonder he called in sick today. Well, let's turn down his car loan and give him twenty years to life". Of course I'll turn you in, and as soon as we're both behind bars, I'm going to kill you. And if I can't do it myself, I'll make sure my boyfriend's bigger than yours.

[The radio plays during a view of the empty Bundy household.]

Announcer:
And on a local note, tragedy was narrowly averted moments ago, when a sobbing woman and her two hysterical children were talked down from a ledge on the Sears Tower. It's believed to be the first family suicide attempt in Chicago history. The woman was quoted as sobbing, "Shoes! He sells shoes!"

[Al enters the house.]

Al:
I'm home!

Al:
Still mad at me 'cause I got you neutered?

Buck:
What, do ya want me to dance for joy? Bring you a pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?

Al:
You know, I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.

Buck:
Yeah, right. Why don't you poke my eyes out? Maybe that'd do it?

Al:
Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

Peg:
It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

Al:
Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

Al has invited Steve to watch an attractive repair girl fix his refrigerator

Steve {stern voice}:
Let me get this straight, you dragged me all the way over here for this?!

Al:
Yeah.

Steve {pleasant voice}:
Thanks, Al!

Steve opens can of beer with Al

Al:
[staring at the butt of the repair-girl] Yeah, looks like two little kittens playing gently under some denim.

Steve:
I think it looks more like an apple, Al.

Peg:
So Al, you were staring at that girl too?

Al:
Yeah...

Peg:
I bet she had great legs.

Al:
Yeah...

Peg:
And good breasts.

Al:
Yeah...

Peg:
Do you wanna come upstairs?

Al:
Yeah... Wait a minute--with you?

Peg:
Oh, yeah!

Al:
...Okay.

Steve:
I feel unworthy of someone like Marcy.

Al:
Yeah, she is a special person. By the way, here is her wedding ring that she lost down some guy's jock in a strip club last night. Anyway, how do you like those Bears this year?

Steve:
Wait a sec, Al. What's this about Marcy's wedding ring?

Al:
Oh yeah, yeah, ah...it was returned to me by the stripper whose underpants it was wedged in.

Steve:
WHAT?!

Al:
A stripper who called himself "Zorro" came to deliver the ring to me, said he got a message it belonged to Marcy.

Steve:
I cannot believe this.

Al:
Do not get upset at all this. Look at it as a "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

Steve:
What do you mean?

Al:
Use it next time Marcy is really angry at you. For example, she could be having one of her women's meetings and you could come in and say something like "12 women in the house and the dishes are dirty?" Then they all start getting mad at you. Then you just smile, pat your pocket, and make the sign of the Z.

Al:
Hey, Steve? [chuckles] You know that two feet, three inches? Well, it was just big enough that a cop spotted me and gave me another ticket for a broken tail-light.

Steve:
Well, I warned you, Al.

Al:
[chuckling] Yeah, oh yeah. You know, me and you just have to go hunting one day. Yeah, I'll get you a pair of antlers to wear.

Al:
Well, a special thanks to everyone who didn't get up this morning to drive me to work.

Bud:
That's my bike. I reported it stolen.

Al:
Well, I'll get arrested for that tomorrow. Today I just got a ticket for a broken tail-light.

Marcy:
Oh Peggy! What am I gonna do? I don't know how much longer I can hold out. But I will not give up my principles for an hour and a half of pleasure.

Peg:
Look, you don't have to give up any...An hour and a half? If you add up all the sex Al and I have ever had, it STILL doesn't come to an hour and a half. At least not of pleasure.

Marcy:
I'm so excited! Steve has been gone for 5 days. That's the longest we've been apart since we've been married. Well, you know how it is, Peg. What would you do if Al was gone for 5 days?

Peg:
Cash in his insurance policy, give the kids to my mother, and travel.

Al:
Hey Peg! I got you something that's gonna make your life much easier.

Peg:
You got a night job?

Al:
No, I already got one of those. It's called getting in bed with you.

Peg:
Well then, you've been missing work.

[After returning from the bowling riot]

Al:
Did you hear something on the news?

Peg:
Yes, as a matter of fact. They said that the sun was going to supernova and we should have sex before the end comes.

Al:
I got no time, Peg. I gotta go looting!

Al:
[dressed as Santa] Your mom's the one who makes the pies for everyone in the neighborhood except those nice Bundys. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.

Kid:
I wanna sit on your lap.

Al:
[dressed as Santa] All right, but make it quick. Santa has hemorrhoids.

Peg:
Look at them over there. Men are such idiots. And I married their king.

Al:
Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.

Peg:
No, what I just don't get is sex.

Al:
That'll be Bud's new hobby.

Peg:
Sex?

Al:
No! Baseball cards.

Peg:
Is it dead, Al?

Al:
It doodied on the trap, Peg, and in my bowling shoe.

Peg:
Something went in your shoe and lived? This is no ordinary mouse. Will you call an exterminator now?

Al:
Nah, now it's personal.

[Al is going into the basement.]

Al:
Say "cheese." Hello! [fires twice with his rifle]

Al:
I do not recall ordering this package. Let us see...[looks at albums]...Yodeling Andy's Yodel Songs...Yodeling Andy Yodels the Blues...Yodeling Andy Yodels the Hits...The Best of Yodeling Andy...oh, and Yodeling Andy's bill for $105.89.

Bud:
I have heard of him. He is like a cross between Trini Lopez and Burl Ives.

Al:
Well, I never ordered any records.

Marcy:
Al, the law says that if you are sent something which you did not order, not only are you not required to return it, but you can keep it and use it.

Al:
Well, when the bill comes, it'll come to Buck... What are they gonna do, sue a dog? Arrest him? Cuff 'em? Beat the hell out of 'em? And so what if they did?

[Chicago Grand Hotel. Peg and Al are enjoying a deluxe suite, being in the hot tub]

Peg:
We are obnoxious, but we will give you a big tip!

Bellboy:
Then it is OK. Mr. & Mrs. Bundy, one of the guests wishes to see you.

Al:
Send him in.

[Old man enters]

Old Man:
Bundy, I am Hiram Massey. I wished to thank you for sending us a bottle of champagne.

Peg:
Oh, that is our way of partying.

Hiram Massey:
My wife wishes to thank you too.

Al:
OK, where is she?

Hiram Massey:
She is a little shy.

Al:
No worries, we are all adults. Send the old bird in!

Hiram Massey:
Come on in, honey.

[A young woman with curly blonde hair enters]

Mrs. Massey:
Thanks for the bubbly!

[Peg is surprised at the age difference in marriage, but Al makes a subtle sign by jawing his cigar into an upright diagnoal position]]

Bud:
They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.

Steve:
Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?

Bud:
Sure.

Steve:
Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Bud:
This is going to be my special day. Any girls call me?

Kelly:
Yep, they call you "geek," "dork," "hairy palms."

Steve:
So, what are you getting Peggy for Valentine's Day? Fur? Jewels? A car?

Al:
If it was only that easy. I'm gonna have sex with her. Yeah, it's kind of a tradition. Every Valentine's Day I climb those stairs, you know, walk the last mile, and slam-dunk her one. It's a spin through hell for me, but she seems to like it.

Steve:
I only pray that after 16 years Marcy and I will have that kind of magic between us.

Al:
Steve, if it was magic I could do it from down here in front of the TV.

Al:
[walks by Kelly, who is pretending to be a mannequin so she will be able to sneak out] Damn, mannequins look like hookers.

Old Fat Woman:
I need shoes!

Al:
Yeah, the blacksmith's around the corner.

Marcy:
Well, Steve forgave me. He's the most wonderful man in the world...

Peg:
Al, why can't you be more like Steve?

Marcy:
...and he's impotent!

Peg:
My God, you are like Steve.

Marcy You know, Al. There may be something on this planet with fewer brain cells than you. But whatever it is -- wherever it is -- I'm sure its name is Bundy! You should be on all fours, carting a wagon full of borax across the desert! You're compost! You're phlegm! You are a true pork product!

Al:
Are you gonna take my advice?

Marcy:
[defeated] Yes.

Al:
I welcome death!

[Al and Peg are posing as Steve and Marcy Rhoades on a game show named "How Do I Love Thee".]

Bink:
Are you ready for the final challenge, Steve?

Al:
What's it gonna be this time, Bink? Hand grenade down the pants? Spear in the pelvis? Impail me on a fence? Come on Bink, don't keep me in suspense here. The wife need a new car!

Bink:
Ok Steve, you and Marcy are going up against an old married couple who may not love each other as much as you and your bride. As always we picked them from our studio audience for the way they filled out our questionnaire: Why I Hate My Spouse. From right here in the windy city. He's a shoe salesman. She's a waste of a human life. Married for 16 years meet Al and Peggy Bundy.

[Steve and Marcy comes out posing as Al and Peg.]

[Marcy and Steve are impersonating the Bundys on the TV game show]

Steve:
So, you stole our mail and our names, huh?

Peg:
How'd you find out?

Steve:
Your kids sold you out for a square meal.

[Kelly and Bud are shown in the TV studio audience munching on junk food]

[Everyone but Al is singing "You Are My Sunshine."]

Peg:
Just the boys.

Bud and Uncle Irwin:
Please don't take my sunshine away.

Peg:
Just the girls.

Kelly and Uncle Otto:
You'll never know, dear...

Uncle Otto:
You're not good enough for our family.

Al:
Yeah, I've never been up on a morals charge.

Peggy:
Al, Honey, you promised this year we could take a real vacation. Y'know, someplace where we don't look out our windows and see chain gangs working.

Al:
C'mon, Peg. We still sing those songs we learned down there. But this year I found something really special. Look at this brochure, Peg. This place has everything Hawaii has. It's got sunshine, a palm tree, uh, quicksand... But the best part is it's in the United States.

Kelly:
So are the sewers of Manhattan, Dad. Or am I spoiling next year's vacation?

Steve:
So, where you headed?

Peggy:
Well, what's the one place you would go if you could go anywhere?

Marcy:
Greece.

Peggy:
That's right, we're going to Dumpwater, Florida.

Al:
You can't let it alone, can you, Peg? This is nice. "Why can't we go to Hawaii? Why did we have to come here? Why do we have to take this car?" You know, standing here with my loving family, I have a question: why am I running from the axe?

Al:
Okay. Family meeting.

<Al and the family go into a corner>

Al:
Alright, now, let's discuss what we know already. We're trapped by a killer. The phones are dead. And the sheriff couldn't catch an M & M in his mouth.

Steve:
Listen, Al. Monday, when they check the duty roster, one word is gonna come down from above: Rhoades. And I will have one word for them: Bundy.

Al:
Listen, Steve. I didn't take it!

Steve:
AL! We're talkin' 20 to 50 with chainsaw killers. And don't think I'm servin' time alone, bunkie. If I'm going to be playing in the showers with maniacs, you're gonna be passing the soap!

Al:
Peg! Kids! Time to torture me, I'm home!

Al:
I can't believe it. Everybody in the world is making money.

Peggy:
Oh, honey that's not true. You're not.

Kelly (as she's writing down the things she can buy with the money Al allegedly took):
A cashmere sweater, a CD player...(lustfully): David Lee Roth chained to my bed!

Al:
Some fat woman came into the store and yelled at me. And she went out and fell right on her ass.

Announcer on TV:
And I'd like to say one more time, please, please watch The Late Show on FOX. All we want is a chance. Is that too much to ask for?

Mr. Pittman (after Al agrees to have Buck neutered):
Keep your dog away from mine. And while we're on the subject: keep your daughter away from my son.

Al:
She was probably just lending him a dress.

(Peg covers her mouth to keep from cracking up as Mr. Pittman leaves)

Al:
So no one made the call to Vancouver?

<Everyone shakes their heads>

Al:
Alright then, it's a mistake. I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since the day I got married.

Al:
I'll bet this whole thing comes to [looks at bill] 253!!! Family meeting!

<Buck comes down the stairs>

Al:
The whole family!

Kelly:
I'm on the phone.

Al:
[picks up phone] I said family meeting.

Al:
[examining the bill] Let’s see what else we have here. Sports hotline, sports hotline, sports hotline, those are ok. Wait a second, wait. Vancouver $80. Kelly?

Kelly:
Oh, sure, all eyes turn to me. Well, let me ask you this. If I did know somebody in Vancouver, don’t you think I’d be living with them and not here?

Al:
True enough. Bud?

Bud:
America First, Dad.

Al:
[starts to get up] How 'bout it, Peg? Your mother gotten so fat she's spread across the border?

Peggy:
Al, I did not call Vancouver. And Mom is down to nearly 200.

Steve:
Hey, Al. Why aren't you at the race track?

Al:
The same reason I'm not out dating sleazy blondes. I'm married with children.

Bud:
Okay, Kel, here's another one. You're walking down the street, and an old man with a dollar pulls up beside you. You a) Ignore him and keep walking, b) Call the police, or (suggestively): c) Do what you usually do?

Al:
What is the big rush about getting a license? I mean, do you think that driving a car is glamorous?

Kelly:
Well, it's not as glamorous as hitching with pervos, but I still want to drive.

Al:
Well, what about the bus?

Kelly (sarcastically):
Yeah, that's great, Dad. Crammed together with a bunch of sweaty strangers who don't speak any English, except for, "Hey, blondie! Look at this!"

Peggy:
Al, did you have to come home?

Al:
Well, the summer place is all closed up, the yacht's in dry-dock, so I thought: what the hell, let's spend the night at the ghetto home!

Peggy:
Marcy, I only want your happiness, preferably at your own house. Because you see, now I have healthy kids, a happy husband, and it has just got to stop.

Al:
Peg, we lost to six women...and three men with visible panty lines.

Peg (as she comes in the house):
I know, I know. I stink. (slams the door behind her): But it was close.

Al (coldly):
We lost. To nuns.

Peg:
I have never been so humiliated. In front of everyone, you told Sister Mary Alice: "Bless this, honey!"

Al:
Hey, I might not know all the religious gestures, but I recognize the one she gave to me.

Al:
Tiffany dear, uh come meet our neighbor. He lost a tree but gained a view.

Al:
Tiffany, Steve.

Al:
Steve, View.

Marcy:
Santa's gone. I'll never be able to enjoy Christmas again.

Kelly:
Well, you're in the right place.

Peg:
Oh, buck up. These things happen.

Marcy (shocked over Peg's cavalier attitude):
When has this happened?!

Peg (stands up and walks over to Marcy):
Come on, Marcy. Cheer up. It could have been worse. He could have landed on the picket fence.

Al:
No, no, Nestor. Despite what your mom says, Mr. Bundy doesn't sprout a tail at midnight. But here's a special gift for you: Tell your dad to come home around the time when Mr. Mailman has a special delivery for Mommy. That'll be a real Yuletide treat for Dad.

Nestor:
What do I get?

Al:
A new home, and a fresh new Mommy.

Al:
Thanks for the help, kids! Oh, by the way, listen, if you're thinking about what to get old dad for Christmas, don't worry about it. You've already given it to him - It's called a hernia.

Bud:
What's wrong, Kel? Are the contractions coming five minutes apart?

Kelly:
What's wrong, Bud? Puberty five years away?

Marcy:
I hate men. They're stupid, ignorant animals with stupid ignorant hobbies. And they hated me. But I didn't need them. I had Barbie.

Peg (nostalgic):
And I had a very special bathtub toy. (beat): Who's Barbie?

Marcy:
Who's Barbie? America's favorite teenage fashion model, that's who.

Peg:
Oh, you mean a Barbie doll. Yeah, I had one of those. I gave one to my boyfriend Keith as a symbol of our love. He was gay as a debutante, you know.

Peg:
To tell you the truth, I never understood the fascination with Barbie. (suggestively): But I sure could strip Ken with my teeth.

Peg:
Kelly's not the problem, Bud. She has moved up to a good, solid "D." Now, you're the one who's in trouble. We went to your school and saw your social studies report. You know, "Brazil: Land of Rubber and Sunshine"? (holds up a poster-sized photo of Kelly watering the backyard in a bikini with the word "Brazil" posted over it and a paper cutout sun): Would you care to explain this picture of your sister in a bikini?

Bud:
Well, it illustrates the easy sex in Brazil. So, how'd I do?

Peg:
Much like your father in life, you failed.

Bud:
Did you hear any noises last night, Mom?

Peg:
Well, your father had gas.

Bud:
No, these were noises I've never heard before.

Kelly:
Well, it could have been a girl moaning your name.

Bud (to Kelly):
Did you hear any noises last night? For a moment, I thought they were coming from your room, but they weren't the usual noises. You know, the whispers...(whispering): "Quiet. You'll wake up my parents." Then the sounds of eight feet heading for the window, followed by the sounds of loose change hitting the pillow.

Kelly:
You know, Bud. With your good looks, you could be a model. I can see it now: your face on a poster that reads, "My Daddy Didn't Use A Condom."

Bud:
Did you hear any noises last night, Dad?

Al:
Ah, it was probably me sobbing.

Al:
This is just great. "Daddy, I need money." "Daddy, I need food." "Daddy, I need you to check on a mouse with a broken neck." For once, I'd like it to be, "Al, I'm outta here and I'm taking the kids."

Al:
Well, that takes care of that. The traps are set, and that mouse has seconds to live. So as usual, it proves that Daddy's life is dirt, and he's defeated the enemy.

Bud:
Don't be too sure, Dad. It says right here mice are pretty intelligent.

Al:
Yeah, right. Look, Bud. A mouse has a brain about this big.

[Al makes a tiny circle with his forefinger and thumb]

Al:
Mine's at least twice that size.

Peggy:
Yeah, but if you only use it half as much, it becomes a fair fight again.

Al:
Why are you so afraid of a little mouse anyway?

Peggy:
Well, it all started when I was five. You see, I found this little stray Chihuahua puppy in the yard. I snuck it past my mother and I kept it in my room. I slept with it, and snuggled it, and kissed it. Then one day it got sick.

Al:
And still you go on kissing others.

(Peggy shoots Al a look)

Peggy:
Anyway, I took it to my kindergarten teacher, and I said, "What's wrong with my dog?". She said, "That's not a dog, dear. It's a mouse." And then she threw up. And then all the kids threw up. And then they made up this little song about me: "Mouse in your face / Worms in your hair / Where's the little mouse girl? / There, there, there". (She points)

(Al and the kids burst out laughing)

Peggy:
(hurt) Well, that's sweet. Thank you very much.

Al:
Well kids, I think we learned something today. Don't touch your mother, she has cooties.

Peggy:
Kids, I am sorry to make such a big fuss over such a little thing like a mouse. But, you know, there are just some things from childhood you just can't forget.

Kelly:
I hope that isn't true, Mom.

Peggy:
How about a hug?

Bud:
Can't, Mom. You got cooties.

Al:
Everyone said no?

Peg:
No. Everyone said, "Get lost, deadbeat."

Al:
You know, the sad part about this is I lied about my income.

Peg (sympathetically):
I do too, honey.

Bud is entertaining two girls

Girl #1:
Oh Bud, I never realized how handsome you are.

Girl #2:
Thanks for the TVs.

Doorbell rings

Bud:
Excuse me ladies, it is probably my massuesse.

Bud answers door to be greeted by Steve

Bud:
Good evening Mr. Rhoades. What can I do for you?

Steve:
I wanted to talk to your father. He knows a lot about cars; maybe he could help me figure out why my new Mercedes is getting 3 miles per gallon.

Bud:
My parents are not home right now. Steve sees girls on couch Look, I don't want to be a bad host, but if you come later? I think I am close to fully understanding "Hef".

Steve:
There is something else I want to talk about. Your father has been recently acquiring a lot of stuff. I want some stuff. How did he come into all this?

Bud:
I should not say.

Girl #1:
Bud, is this going to take long? We need to go soon.

Steve{chucking}:
But I have all night.

Bud:
OK, Mr. Rhoades, you win. They gave Buck a credit card. Dad's using it 'cause he didn't ask for it. So he doesn't have to pay. Y'know, like when you get records you didn't want.

Steve:
Did he happen to sign Buck's name to the receipts?

Bud:
Sure.

Steve:
Then it's a-prison he'll be going.

Marcy:
Oh, bunk. You live in this hovel, you bore him those two awful children, and he can't even tell you he loves you? I've heard him say "I love the Cubs", "I'd love a beer." "I'd love it if you'd leave, Marcy." Face it Peggy. This man is no stranger to the word "love".

Bud:
Hey, Dad. Report Card day!

(Kelly looks shocked)

Bud:
I got four A's and a B. But enough about me. [he turns to Kelly] Batter up.

Kelly:
I err...I lost it.

Bud:
Well... [Takes report card out of pocket] This is your lucky day [he holds up the card] 'cause I found it. Must have fallen out of your purse and accidentally gotten taped under your bed.

(Bud hands the card to Al)

Bud:
How'd she do?

Al:
Uh, erm... F, F, F, D. What happened, Kel, you attend one?

Al:
Okay, Marcy. The first time you tried, was the light on?

Marcy:
Yes?

Al:
There ya go: he saw ya.

(Marcy goes straight for Al's throat, strangling him as Peg answers the door)

Kelly:
Mom, Bud found a corn flake between the refrigerator and the sink and he won't share.

[Al is sitting underneath a bed and is being "crushed" by several very large women on the game show "How Do I Love Thee".]

Bink:
How'ya doing down there, Steve?

Al:
I can taste my spleen.

Steve:
So, what are you gonna do with the money, Al?

Al:
What I always knew I would.

(Al stands by the staircase and rattles his bills)

(Peggy and the kids come down the stairs sniffing the air and looking around)

Peggy:
Al, I heard a strange sound. What is it?

Al:
Family, I have an announcement. I have money.

(Al holds out the money)

(Peggy whoops and snatches the money from Al's hand)

Al:
Ah, Peg, you were great last night. You did the one thing that many husbands want their wives to do: you were asleep when I came home and you were out of bed when I woke up. Is there anything I can do for you?

Peg:
You can stop eating beans before bed.

Al:
Someone outside the family, right?

Uncle Otto:
Actually, in Wanker County, no one's really "outside" the family.

Kelly:
Uh, what about that boy Jimmy who works at the feed store?

Uncle Otto:
Yeah, I think he's family.

(Kelly's face twists in disgust as she sits back down near the kitchen table)

Bud:
Uncle Irwin, are you gonna put your head in the salad bar again?

Uncle Irwin:
Erm, if you're good.