Married... with Children, Season 4

Peg:
Which brings us to a little promise you made just last spring...

Al:
Sex again. Peg, we've been married for seventeen years. Now can't we just be friends?

Peg:
No! I don't like you, I just want to have sex with you.

Al:
Labor Day... what does it mean to us? To answer that question, we must hark back to earlier times. You see, kids, while the cavewoman sat around getting fat, smoking cigarettes, and watching the Phil Jabberman show, the caveman braved the elements, risking life and limb, with only the hair on his back...

[Dissolve to later.]

Al:
In 1492, Columbus brought Labor Day to America...

[Dissolve to still later.]

Al:
...and the women still did nothing! And that's what Labor Day means to me.

Al:
Guys, guys, guys. This should be a happy day, not fighting, and arguing, and... (looks at Peggy) having sex with our spouses.

Al:
Ah, this is gonna be just great. You know, there's nothing like spending Labor Day with the family, and good food and good friends. (sobs) Oh, God. What a charade! (looks at Peggy) Oh, God!

Peg:
There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do. Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent. And number two: exercise.

Boy:
I want my mommy.

Al:
Yeah, so does your dad's brother.

(After Buck returns home with a letter in his mouth)

Kelly:
Hey look, it's Buck!

Peg:
Didn't he go camping with the boys?

Kelly:
(notices the letter) He's carrying something in his mouth.

(Buck growls)

Peg:
I guess he'll give it to us when he's good and ready.

(Peg and Kelly walk away, leaving Buck laying down on the couch)

(After Kelly wins at Poker by cheating)

Peg:
Kelly, I saw you cheating.

Kelly:
Okay Mom, what is it? Your usual 50%?

Peg:
Let's make it 60. That way, you learned your lesson.

Bud:
Dad, Dad, I had a girl here last night.

Al:
Bud, I got no time for your jokes now. My teeth are killing me.

Man:
Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight. What are you havin'?

Al:
If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.

Marcy:
Peggy, I really don't think Al is cheating on you. I took an impromptu poll of all the women I know, and as far as his desirability... Al ranked below ALF, which means they'd rather make love to a piece of cloth with a man's hand in it than with your husband.

Bud:
Hey, Mom, do you think Dad is cheating on you?

Peg:
Oh, of course not!

Bud:
Good, because we don't want to see you and Dad break up. We're almost like a family here.

Al's Father:
So, how's tricks? How are the kids?

Al:
Fine.

Al's Father:
How are my Playboys?

Al:
You know, huh?

Al's Father:
[sarcastically] No, I care how you and the kids are.

Peg:
Hi, Al. Did you have a good day?

Al:
I came home. How good could it have been?

Al:
(looking at the phone bill) Hey we qualify for the gold bill, family! [all getting excited hovering over Al] Family, please, let's all contain the excitement until after I'm dead.

Al:
Milwaukee. Milwaukee. That sounds like the town they centered around your mother, eh, Peg?

Steve{on phone}:
Marcy, I tell you, I am in the lead in mortgages and am going to win the prize to Hawaii! Have your flip-flops packed. The hick is signing the papers right now.

[Farmer gives angry look to Steve]

Steve:
Oh no, some other hick.

[Steve hangs up]

Farmer:
Well, I must thank you Mr. Rhoades. Your loan sure saved my farm!

[Steve and farmer shake hands]

Steve:
No problem.

Farmer:
I would be honored if you and your wife had dinner with us sometime.

Steve:
I don't think so.

[Farmer leaves bank, Steve boosts his prize meter. Al enters bank]

Al:
Hey, Steve, how is it going?

Steve:
What can I do for you, Al?

Al:
I would like to take out a business loan.

Steve:
What business are you looking to start?

Al:
A shoe hotline, where I give advice on shoe problems. I would call it 1-900-555-SHOE!

Steve:
Al, forget it! No banker in his right mind would underwrite a loan of five cents for such a bunny-brained idea!

[Another loan officer boosts his prize meter aboves Steve's]

Steve:
How does $50,000 sound?

Al:
Actually, I only needed $18,000.

Steve:
No Al, you need fifty! Sign here!

[Al signs papers]

Al:
Hey, thanks a lot, Steve!

[Steve shakes Al's hand]

Steve:
No problem, neighbor, that is what friends are for. [Bank president enters bank] Look Al, it is the president. Now get lost!

Kelly:
Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?

Al(after a beat):
Kelly, we already got ice cream and we're home. Get out of the car.

(Kelly gets out.)

Kelly:
I didn't get any.

(Al sighs)

Al:
Kelly, get back in the car.

(Al looks under the hood)

Kelly (to Bud):
Bud, did you get ice cream?

Bud (offhand):
Uh, yeah, Kel. It was great.

Kelly (pouting):
Where was I?

Bud:
Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?

Al:
Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha! Yeah, I see there's some dirt on the round thing. All right, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.

Bud:
Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against it.

Al(to Bud):
Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud, she's not an idiot. (to Kelly) Use the key, honey.

(Kelly tries. The car makes a dying sound. Al sighs and closes the hood.)

Al:
Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning. Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.

Kelly (muttering as she gets out):
Get in the car. Get out of the car. Get in the car. Get out of the car. You know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates. They promise me ice cream too, but they never give me any.

They exit into the house and shut the door. The hood opens.

Bud:
Hi, Mom.

Peg:
Hi, Kelly.

Kelly:
Hi, Mom.

Peg:
Hi, Bud.

Al:
Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.

Peg:
I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it work?

Al:
Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?

Peg:
Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?

Al:
Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.

Peg:
I want a Cadillac.

Kelly:
I want a Ferrari.

Bud:
I want a Porsche.

Al:
Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm getting.

Bud:
Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.

Al:
If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my house, my... [gives Peg a significant nod]

Al:
All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys? What, about two, 300 years? In that time I have learned to do without several things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of something that goes "vroom." Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.

Girl Scout:
You can't tell me you're not hungry. My daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.

Al:
Well, you go home and tell your daddy you have the mailman's eyes.

Girl Scout:
[holds up a box of cookies] It's food.

Al:
[takes the box of macaroons] All right, gimme a box of these macaroons.

Girl Scout:
[snatches it back from Al] Cash only, deadbeat.

Al:
I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?

Girl Scout:
[walks off] Eat a bug.

Al:
Wet a bed.

Bud:
Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.

Al:
A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

Peg:
Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?

Bud:
Five bowls a-flushing?

Peg:
Four 'roids a-throbbing?

Kelly:
Three nose hairs waving?

Bud:
Two children starving?

Peg:
One untouched wife.

Al:
[to some kids] Who wants to hear about the red-haired Grinch that stole Uncle Al's life?

Al is knocked out. He is revived by a strange man

Angel:
Hey Al, are you OK?

Al:
How did you know my name?

Angel:
Because I am your guardian angel.

Al:
Then prove it. If you are an angel can you make my Christmas lights work?

Angel snaps fingers and lights are fully functional

Al:
Nice! Hmm, what else could I ask for?

Angel:
Oh come on Bundy, do not be a wish pig!

Al:
You are right. Tell you what, forget about the lights and use your power to make the Hee Haw girls appear.

Angel{laughing}:
I have been waiting for them to die too!

Angel:
I know you think you got it tough. Your wife doesn't respect you. Your kids think you're a failure. A good day for you is when you don't come across any new foot diseases...Believe me, I sympathize. But you think your life reeks? Take a whiff of mine, pal. My wife gained a hundred pounds for every year we were married. We had two kids. I think she ate 'em, I dunno. I hated driving home so much I had vanity plates written up that said "Hit me." But despite it all, she loved me. You know how I know? BECAUSE SHE TOLD ME!! Oh, yeah! When I was at work, she loved my father, my brother, my bookie...but when I found my grandfather's teeth in my bed under the pillow, then I knew there was trouble in paradise. That's when I did what any other man would do, Bundy. I canceled my insurance and I hung myself. Showed her, huh?!

Al:
Bud, quick. What's more important: love or money?

Bud:
Money. I can always rent love.

Al:
Kelly, what's the color of an orange?

Kelly:
Right now? No multiple choice? Straight off the top of my head?

Peg:
Al, just call a roofer.

Al:
There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit of self-reliance. Something's broken, call someone. Something's leaking, call someone. One of the kids suffers a ruptured appendix, call someone. Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?

Bud:
Well we don't know yet, Dad. Kelly's tests haven't come back from the lab yet.

Kelly:
Chew Dad's socks!

Bud:
Eat Mom's food!

Peg:
It's a good thing I did the taxes. If claiming two children as dependents gets you $300, imagine what 23 kids is worth!

Al:
The gas chamber?

Al:
We need to get some money and get it quick. Let us go through the classifieds.

Classified #1:
Free Money for Fools.

Al:
Nope, no way.

Al crosses that one out

Classified #2:
Store Toxic Waste at Home.

Al:
Hmm, what do you think Bud? Would you mind growing a second head to help out your dad?

Bud:
I am not sure Dad. My entire wardrobe seems to revolve around one head.

Al makes marking on ad

Al:
Well, we will circle this as a "maybe". OK, moving on...

Classified #3:
Woman Desperately Needs Hair for Wig. Will Meet Any Price. Red Preferred.

Al and Bud start to look at each other thinking the same thought

Peg:
I want a vacation.

Al:
Peg, if you wanna visit someplace new, try the kitchen. Oh, and why don't you get a picture of yourself with the refrigerator. You know, "Ol' Empty"?

Marcy:
God, I hate men!

Al:
I thought you were man's best friend. Oh wait, that's a dog, not a chicken. Sorry, Marce.

Kelly:
Big news. Mr. Rhoades just dumped Mrs. Rhoades!

Bud:
Really, why?

Kelly:
He ran off to fulfill his dream of being a forest ranger.

Bud:
Where?

Kelly:
The one where Yogi Bear lives.

Bud:
Jellystone? Mr. Rhoades went to Jellystone Park???

Kelly:
Oh no, wait, not that one, the other famous national park Yosemite Mispronounces it yose-a-might.

Las Vegas. Peg & Marcy are playing craps

Peg:
Don't give me a two because my husband sells shoes.

Pit Boss:
Eleven!

Players cheer Peg

Peg:
How does this casino avoid bankruptcy?

Marcy:
Peggy, you may have been lucky once.

Peg:
Come on Marcy, lighten up. I will give it another whirl. Come on baby, give a seven or send me up to Heaven!

Pit Boss:
Seven!

Players cheer Peg again

Marcy:
Ha ha! Peggy you are right, this is fun. How does this place stay in business?

Screen flips

Lounge. Peg & Marcy are staring into space dejected

Marcy:
All our money. We lost all our money in eight minutes!

Yummy:
I love a man who's on top of things.

Al:
And I love a woman with things on top.

Marcy:
Well, now I know everything will be okay. Because the man who sifts through my garbage for food is going to break the bank in Las Vegas.

Bud:
Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever did something to you that ruined your entire life?

Al:
Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.

Al:
Sure, before you marry them, all women like football. But as soon as you say "I do"... they put on forty pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.

Kelly:
My birthday is in February. I'm an Aquarium.

Al:
[using a kitchen pot as a bongo drum] Oh, man, we're broke, cha cha cha.

Everybody flat broke, cha cha cha.

Living in the gutter, cha cha cha.

Early grave, cha cha cha.

Everybody - shoot me!

Kelly:
Today, when I, like the rest of the nation, was wondering where East Dakota was, the weatherman told the manager that either I went or he went.

Marcy:
Oh, well. Losing your first job isn't so bad.

Kelly:
Me? They canned him like a tuna. He was not the one wearing a miniskirt!

TV CEO{off-screen}:
Listen up, either that dumb bitch goes or you go!

[Kelly has smug look considering her earlier victory]

Station Manager:
No problem sir, I am ripping up her contract right as we speak!

[Bundy family watching at home looks in horror, as does Kelly whose smugness turns to shock]

Marcy:
Peggy, I need to ask you something. Have you ever done something that you didn't remember the next day?

Peg:
Well, having the kids.

Marcy:
No, I mean have you ever done anything that you really regretted?

Peg:
Having the kids.

Al:
You see, yard sales are based on the "Bigger Idiot Theory." That there is nothing too stupid that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy it. The problem is that, eventually, you get to the head idiot and you call her "Mom."

Al:
A Bundy never wins, but a Bundy never quits.

Kelly:
I don't want to sit around the house all day and sleep. It's like being at school.

Al:
No, the difference between here and school is, you'll be out of here when you're eighteen.

Jim Jupiter:
I'm Jim Jupiter, the healthiest man in Chicago.

Al:
Then you should heal quick when I pull your spine through your mouth.

Peg:
You know, you got a lot of nerve. Did I come over your house when you won the "Woman in Banking" award?

Marcy:
Yes, you did. And you stole a whole chicken.

Peg:
Yeah, but least I didn't wiggle my butt in front of it when I did it.

Steve:
I'm glad you're in a jovial mood. You fall asleep at the wheel, you roll the van, you lose our supplies, and, thanks to you, we're gonna die.

Boy:
I want my mommy.

Al:
Yeah, so does your dad's brother.

Bud:
Look, Kel. Just do what I do: use your wits.

Kelly:
I do.

Bud:
I said, "wits". With a "W".

Peg:
Isn't this great? Wish it could always be like this. No noses to wipe. No tears to dry. No one to send to their room. It's just so nice without Al.

Kelly:
Mrs. Rhoades, you look lovely this evening.

Marcy:
Why, thank you Kelly.

Kelly:
Can you give me $175 so I can go to a rock concert?

Marcy:
I wouldn't loan my own daughter $175. (to herself): Hopefully, I'll like her.

(Peg pulls Kelly aside)

Peg:
Kelly, how many times do I have to tell you: Mommy's friends are supposed to loan Mommy money.

Kelly (dejected):
My life is over. (points to Marcy, who's fixing her lipstick): I might as well be her.

(Al's scary story to the kids)

Al:
Once upon a time, there was a young boy. A boy, full of hope. He was single, thus he was happy. Then, one night, much like tonight. Something rose from the swamp. He heard a noise behind him. Thump-thump, thump-thump. He walked a little faster. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. And then he saw it. And there, in the light of a bar...stood the evil, red-headed, high-heeled, spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up. He dated others, but nothing could stop it. He could hear its wild call: (scrunches up his face, in a high voice): Oh, honey! Honey! It was horrible. Finally, it trapped him. Opened, opened its hideous mouth, bared its fangs, and said, (scrunches his face up again, in the same high voice): Marry me!

Victor:
And did he marry it, Dan'l?

Al:
Yes, I'm afraid he did. And he was never heard from again. But the worst part of it is... there's still some of them out there. There might be one... (points) behind that tree!

(The kids all yell and wheel around)

Al:
Then again, there might not be. But beware. Because wherever a man is free and has change in his pockets, they'll come a-creeping, and they can't be stopped. Now sleep... if you can. (laughs evilly)

Steve:
Hi, Al! (notices the kids): Oh, hi, neighborhood tykes!

Victor:
Hey, it's the guy who gives us potatoes on Halloween.

Al:
Ah, home sweet hell.

Peg:
Well, kids, we have no more credit cards. Let this be a lesson to ya: Marry someone who can afford you.

Peg:
Hi, honey. How was your day?

Al:
Eh, I came home. How good could it have been?

Al:
What can I do better than anyone else?

Kelly:
Stink up a shoe?

Bud:
Sweat through the couch?

Peg:
Miss the toilet in the dark?

Bud:
Oh, Dad. Mrs. Donnelly called and she said her slipper won't fit over her bunion and she wants to know what she should do.

Al:
Start walking on all fours the way God intended her to.

Al:
Ed MacMahon says I may owe him $10,000,000?!

Peg (skeptically):
Eh, what are the chances of it really being you?

Al (as he looks over the phone bill):
Milwaukee, Milwaukee, Milwaukee -- that's the town they built around your mother, isn't it, Peg?

Bud:
Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today.

Al:
A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

Kelly:
No, a gorilla as big as you scratching himself.

Peg:
Yeah. He had one hand down where his pants would be and in his other hand...You know how you hold your beer? Well, he was holding something. I think it was doody. (beat): Where were you around 3:00 today?

Al:
'Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

No food was a-stirrin'

Not even a mouse.

Stockings were hung 'round Dad's neck like a tie.

Along with a note that said, "Presents or Die!"

Children were plotting all night in their beds.

While the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.

But Daddy had money

This year in the bank.

But then they closed up early

Now Dad's in the tank.

(later on)

...then all of a sudden, Santa appeared.

A sneer on his face

And booze on his beard.

"Santa," I said as he laughed merrily,

"You do so much for others.

"Do something for me"

"Bundy," he said, "You only sell shoes

"Your son is a sneak-thief

"Your daughter's a flooze

"Ho-ho," Santa said, "Shall I mention your wife?

"Her hair's like the A-bomb

"Her nails are like knives"

Then he went to the chimney

That fat piece of dung

He mooned me two times

Then stuck out his tongue.

And I heard him exclaim

As he broke wind with glee,

"You're married with children! You'll never be free."

Al:
Christmas is not the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for.

Angel:
I'm a guardian angel. I'm looking for an Al Bundy. Do you know an Al Bundy?

Al:
I'm Al Bundy.

(The guardian angel looks away)

Angel:
NOOOOOOOOO! WOULD YOU STOP PLAYING NINTENDO UP THERE FOR A MINUTE?!! LOOK AT THE MESS YOU GOT ME INTO!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!?"

Peg:
Oh, Al, you fell.

Al (as he gets into bed):
Yes, Peg, I did. (Peg makes a kissy face at Al and eyes him suggestively): But obviously not far enough.

Peg:
Al, you're tracking mud all over the carpet.

Al (pained):
Well, it's not all mud. Some of it's colon.

Peg (to Kelly and Bud):
Now, Daddy's going to fall off the roof again. You know what to do.

Kelly and Bud (in unison):
Get the camera.

Peg (shakes her head):
No. We already have enough pictures of Daddy on the floor in the wedding album.

Al:
As God is my witness, I'll never be wet again!

Bud comes in with Buck on a leash and a scooper in his hand

Kelly:
So, how'd it go?

Bud:
Ah, he's still constipated. If he was any tighter, you could wear him to the prom.

Kelly:
You mean to tell me he didn't react at all to the picture of you naked? 'Cuz just the thought of it would work for me.

Peg:
Gee, that's nice. Well, Al. Maybe now you can take down that bumper sticker that says, "Support Higher Education: Send a Cop to First Grade."

TV Announcer:
Today on Becky: Men: Scum or Slime?

(Peg grimaces and changes the channel)

TV Announcer #2:
Today on Lorraine: Men: Couldn't You Just Puke?

(Peg, still unsatisfied, changes the channel again)

TV Announcer #3:
Today on Sharon: Men: Upright Dogs With Paychecks?

Peg (changes the channel again):
That's what I hate about this time of year: nothing on but reruns.

Al:
Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat, 'cuz we're going to Vegas!

(Bud and Kelly exchange glances as the episode ends on a freeze-frame with the words, "TO BE CONTINUED", on the bottom of the screen)

Al's fantasy. James Bond theme plays. Al is wearing a tuxedo surrounded by ladies. Dealer at roulette wheel is wearing a slinky red dress

Yummy:
Would you care to make a bet, sir?

Al:
And who might you be?

Yummy:
Yummy All Day.

Al:
And yummy all night too, I will wager.

A hulking bald man sexually harasses Peg

Peg:
Cut it out!

Thug:
I do what I want!

Thug strikes Al, who grabs his arm and twists it

Al:
Apologize to the lady.

Thug{to Peg}:
I am sorry.

Thug flees

Yummy:
I love a man who's on top of things.

Al:
And I love a woman with things on top.

Yummy:
Would you care to make a bet, sir... Return to reality; Al and Peg are now in more casual clothes, as is Yummy, who is now wearing a frumpy employees' uniform Sir! Hello, Earth to you! Are you going to bet or not?

Al:
Oh yeah, sure.

Al hands over $8 he scrounged

Yummy:
Sorry sir, you need chips. Besides, the minimum bet at this table is $20. Al leaves Who was that?

Peg:
Loser. Born loser.

Al:
And if you wanna talk about "flying wedge," let's talk about my mother-in-law. People overuse the phrase, "as big as the Earth," but kids, try to picture everyone you've ever known under one muu-muu.

Al:
Shoes: no kind of life for a man.

Peggy:
Just wait till I remember one of your birthdays!

Kelly:
Mine's in February. I'm an Aquarium.

Bud:
And an empty one.

Kelly:
Bud, what do you think? Would this make a great yearbook photo?

Bud:
I don't know, Kel. (turns her around): If you really want people to remember you, you might want to try this (moves the picture frame below her neck, stopping at her breasts and midriff): Now, all we do is add some fingerprints, and voila: every man's memory.

Peggy:
Aw, Bonnie Malone. See, Kelly? Here's what you should never do in a yearbook photo: pose with your baby.

Al:
Peg, I brought someone over to show that you don't need a high school diploma to be important. (gestures outside): Sir?

(the homeless man from "Oh, What a Feeling" and "Rock and Roll Girl" staggers in, holding out his hand)

Homeless Man:
Change?

Al:
I'm heading to the store to get dinner. Hey, how 'bout alphabet soup? That way you can eat and learn.

Home Ec Teacher:
Miss Bundy, why can't you be more like Reuben?

(Kelly stares at Reuben, a preppy black kid with glasses)

Kelly:
Well, we both like boys.