Metalocalypse, Season 4

Pickles:
Guys I'm really worried about Nathan. Dating a fan is kind of a no-no.

Toki:
What abouts a quicks humps with a groupies. What ams wrongs with thats?

Skwisgaar:
Well, Tokis, you cans humps all the groupies you wants but, you know...

Pickles:
But don't make a fan your girlfriend!

Murderface:
Why not?!

Pickles:
Because fans are crazy obsessed weirdos, you can't have a real relationship with them! Mark my words! He'll see! It always ends badly! [Nathan enters] What a sad dildoooo...[notices Nathan] Hi.

Nathan:
...Hi.

Nathan:
Listen, all of you. My girl-fan-friend is f***ing awesome, okay?! It's a great relationship!

Pickles:
It's not a relationship, it's an ego booster!

Nathan:
She's like totally the most loyal person in the world. She's like a f***ing amazing, hot...loyal...Labrador...but with really nice tits.

Murderface:
All we're saying is she kinda sounds like a crazy dildo.

Girlfriend:
...Hi.

Toki:
[disgusted] Uhhh, come on guys, we gots to gos to a meetings.

Nathan:
Yeah you're right. Let's go. Charles always gets pissed off when were late, you know? [chuckles; Charles walks in] He's such an uptight [notices him standing right beside him] diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiildooooooooooooooo-hi.

Ofdensen:
[not amused] ...Hi.

Stampingston:
Gentlemen, Dethklok has returned back to Earth and is on the verge of releasing a new record. General Crozier?

Crozier:
In addition, Nathan Explosion has begun dating a fan.

Orlaag:
Historically, dating a fan has proven to be catastrophic.

Stampingston:
Yes. Here to speak more is Nathan Explosion Romance expert, Dr. Tormanbin McMildidindindin. Dr. McMildidindindin?

Dr. Tormanbin McMildidindindin:
Nathan Explosion is cursed by love! In this case he is involved in the worst relationship known to mankind; he's begun seriously dating one of his wretched, mindless, fans. A lactic pathetic attempt to avoid intimacy. These fan elastic pretend relationships have the illusion of working, but when the celebrity wants out, the results can be quite dangerous.

Skwisgaar:
Oh my Gods, looks at dis place.

Nathan:
Sweaty nerds!

Toki:
Ugh, cosplay geeks!

Pickles:
Dethklok furries!

Skwisgaar:
Just what we needs, more homoskektuals fanfictions.

Toki:
[upon seeing a naked picture of him] Hey looks that ams a really good renderings of my abs!

Nerd in a Wheelchair:
Can you guys get out of my way? I wanna...buy a Dethklok comic book.

Murderface:
Where did you get a 100 ounce Coca-Cola?

Nerd:
It's a galloner...

Nathan:
Can I ask you something, did you eat all that garlic crazy bread?

Nerd:
[moving on] Yeah...

Fat Pickles:
Nice Nathan outfit!

Nathan:
Thanks. [Pickles gorans] ...Fat Pickles...

Skwisgaar:
Hey fat Pickle, you don't know wheres the Tringles exhibition is, do you?

Fat Skwisgaar:
Oh, I do, it's over there...

Skwisgaar:
Ams thats supposed to be me?

Fat Skwisgaar:
Are you guys smoking? You know that's bad for you...

Nathan:
[clearly annoyed] Thank you for the, uh, heath advice. Come on let's go!

Conferenceman:
Can you guys ever be serious?

Nathan:
[smiling] Oh can I ever be serious? Can I ever be serious, that's a good question. Can I ever be serious? I dunno, I guess THAT'S DOABLE! [applause] Thank you! Thank you, I'm really glad everyone loves my catchphrase!

Conferenceman 2:
How come what's-his-face isn't here?

Nathan:
What's-his-face...

Conferenceman 2:
Uhhh Toki!

Nathan:
Toki!

Pickles:
Oh Toki's not here!

Nathan:
I wonder if we forgot him. I wonder if that's doable. Thank you.

Ofdensen:
So uh, we're gonna be doing some community outreach to combat the negative press, resulting from your uh, apparent racial insensitivity.

Pickles:
Your apparent racial sensitivity? Do you think that sounds a little racist?

Nathan:
Yeah that sounds a little racist to me.

Ofdensen:
It's not me they're calling a racist, they're calling you racists.

Nathan:
We're not racists! We don't give a f*** what color our fans are, because we don't give a f*** about our fans! Isn't that right?!

Pickles:
Boy is that ever!

Ofdensen:
Either way the media thinks your racists.

Nathan:
Hey! Listen! I know we like to joke around a lot about everything, but I love ethnics, I mean I love Mexican...food.

Murderface:
Yup.

Nathan:
Chinese food.

Murderface:
Yup.

Nathan:
Black, uhhh, liquorice.

Ofdensen:
Guys this youth center is gonna mean a lot to your minority fans so let's just get through this and we won't be racist anymore. I mean uh, we never were...but people thought we were. But I know I'm not racist, and I suspect that you are not. Okay once they get their building-

Nathan:
They?

Ofdensen:
Okay...then we get our non-racist reputation back.

Murderface:
Watch this. You're about to witness the art of a prank call. [dials phone]

Toki:
[phone rings] Hello?

Murderface:
[in a high pitched voice] I'm a little old lady and I'd like to come over!

Toki:
Uhhh, I'ms ins a stupid meetings, buts uh...maybe you cans come over laters. Who is this?

Murderface:
We can order pizza!

Toki:
Oh I loves pizza! How did you gets my number?

Toki:
Hello? Some nice old lady just hungs up on me! Oh I hope she's okay!

Skwisgaar:
One moment, Toki. Hello, this ams Skwisgaar Skwigelf-uh speakings.

Murderface:
[different voice] This is a divorced overweight, African-American lady. Can I come over?

Skwisgaar:
Maybe I cans squeeze you ins?

Nathan:
[holding the record] Guys do you think the red in this album cover is too pink?! This looks like f***ing soup! It looks like pink tomato soup! Can we send it back and ask them to make it more blood red?

Ofdensen:
Nathan, I'm sorry but the albums have already shipped!

Pickles:
Told you so.

Ofdensen:
It's too late.

Skwisgaar:
Huh, dats ams weirds...uh...

Toki:
Oh what happened?

Skwisgaar:
Dis lady calls me and says she's horny and thens shes HANGS UPS ON ME! ... I hope she ams okay...

Nathan:
WHAT'S GOING ON TOMAHAWK? [little applause] Okay...uhhhhh-welcome to the very first DethFair, I don't know if you heard, but we're going to play a free concert. [to someone offstage] Free? We're really playing f- playing free concert - [back to crowd] So we brought some pretty cool stuff for the fair, like a pirate ship with the Somali Pirates who are gonna threaten to kill you. You know we have a really big Dorrito that we're- we're gonna see how fast you can eat it. Uhh we have a maybe, million dollar Ferrari Wheel, Ferris Wheel, made of Ferraris.

Man:
GET OFF THE STAGE AND GET US A JOB, PRICK!

Nathan:
Well if you guys are so pissed off, why don't you collectively kill yourselves?!

Man:
[silence] YOU'RE A JERK-

Nathan:
Well said, Tiger, f*** this, I'm done. [knocks microphone off the stand] F*** you. [to the bandmates] I think that went well.

Skwisgaar:
That was pretty goods.

Pickles:
My mom, is right!! Alright?! This is a fantasy that we're living in! A f***ing fantasy!! And I can't impress her, no matter how much money I make, and I realize it's because I don't have a REAL JOB!!!

Nathan:
Pickles, calm down!

Pickles:
It's true!!

Nathan:
Your mom, is a bitch! You should tell her to go f*** herself!

Pickles:
Whoa BACK UP! You did NOT just say that to me about my mom!

Skwisgaar:
Uh, Pickle?

Pickles:
Yes?!

Skwisgaar:
You should go tell your mom to go f***s herselfs.

Pickles:
[infuriated] JUST B- THIS IS MY FAMILY!!

Nathan:
Yeah! The family that you hate!

Skwisgaar:
Yeah and you also calls dems assholes all the times.

Pickles:
Yeah o- WHOA! Okay...maybe I do. But you know what? I'm starting to think that maybe WE'RE the assholes!

Nathan:
[shocked] Pickles! Us?!

Pickles:
YES! And that's why I'm going to go sell cars.

Nathan:
[deep in thought] .....you mean houses.

Pickles:
...Yes.

Molly:
Pickles! You need to cut this Realtor bullshit and get back to making a new record, so we can all make money again!

Pickles:
Wait a minute! You don't even care that I'm the best regular jack-off realtor in the world?!

Molly:
F*** that realtor crap! I want you to go back to playing drums with your stupid band and fix the f***ing economy!

Skwisgaar (flashback):
You shoulds gos tell your mothers to go f***s herselfs!

Nathan (flashback):
You should tell your mother to go f*** herself!

Ofdensen (flashback):
You should tell your mother to go f*** herself!

Pickles:
[enraged] Hey mom! GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Ofdensen:
Okay guys, we got a lot of work today, a lot of stuff to cover so let's-

Nathan:
HEY! SKWISGAAR! Sorry, Charles... Skwisgaar, sorry about that book. [Skwisgaar just looks really depressed giving no response] But look at what I got today guys. [pulls out a defibrillator] It's my defibrillator. I bought it off Sky Mall.

Pickles:
Why do you need that?

Nathan:
It's uh, you know to shock people, if they have a thing, like a heart attack or if they're sleeping. But I bought it because it's f***ing awesome! Murderface, help me work this thing!

Ofdensen:
Guys I don't think you should be messing around with a defibrillator.

Murderface:
God would you butt out, please?! I mean God, don't let this guy abuse you Nathan, he's trying to control you. Just like Skwisgaar did to Toki! No offense Skwisgaar [Skwisgaar is still unresponsive] Now what do you want me to do Nathan?

Nathan:
Uh just stand there, oh and yell "clear!"

Murderface:
Oh awesome! Just like the doctors do on TV!

Ofdensen:
Guys come on, I don't think-

Murderface:
CLEAR!!

Pickles:
Dude that's pretty awesome!

Murderface:
Oh oh ow, man, LOOKS pretty awesome! Ahh, AWW WHO THE FUCK PEED ON ME?

Pickles:
I think you're the culprit in this particular mystery.

Murderface:
How can I pee on myself when I'm right here?

Nathan:
Skwisgaar! It appears as if someone has peed your pants!

Nathan:
[in a demo session; off-tempo and not energetic] Falling down / hurt yourself / Really can hurt...really, can, really now- CAN WE STOP THIS THING?!

Dick:
Okay, fine. What's going on?

Nathan:
I guess I'm just not feeling it.

Dick:
That "falling down" stuff's good! I mean, it's good enough!

Pickles:
Dude, Nathan! We've been doing demos for 37 days! When are you gonna start feeling it, already?!

Nathan:
I don't know.

Dick:
[with a stripper on his lap] Check it out, Amber here was feeling it! She was bouncing on my lap...up and down, up and down, right Amber? [before Amber can reply] Don't talk. You know the rules.

Skwisgaar:
[also with two stripper; Murderface has a fat one sitting with him off to the side] Hey Trinitys...and her sisters, Quadrupaltys, alsos really exciteds, they gives me double blow jobs.

Nathan:
[two strippers are fondling his legs] Maybe I need a blow job. You know?

Nathan:
This vacation, SUCKS! You know, it's all that stupid lady producer's fault! She did this to us on purpose!

Pickles:
Well maybe if you hadn't, DESTROYED THE RECORD in the first place...

Nathan:
I'm getting tired of this...

Pickles:
We wouldn't be here in the first place!

Nathan:
I SAID I WAS SORRY!

Pickles:
No! You DIDN'T, EVER say you were sorry!

Nathan:
IT WAS IMPLIED!!

Pickles:
I'D LIKE TO ADD, TO THE...

Nathan:
YOU KNOW, THAT I HAVE AN APOLOGY PROBLEM!!!

Soldier:
Get in the van, now!

Nathan:
Okay, did you remember to pack your deady bear?

Toki:
Yeps.

Nathan:
Kay, you got your fluoride whore's blood extra-whitening toothpaste with flavor crystals?

Toki:
Yeps.

Nathan:
You got your pentagram crackers, right?

Toki:
Yeps.

Nathan:
You got your severed fingerpaints?

Toki:
Yeps.

Nathan:
You got your Dante's Inferno Simulators of Hell coloring book?

Toki:
Yeps.

Nathan:
You got your My Little Disemboweled Pony lunch box, right?

Toki:
Yeps.

Nathan:
You got your Rock-A-Rooni disguise so no one knows who you are, right?

Toki:
[puts on a baseball cap] Yeps, as long as I wears dis, no one will knows that I'm famous!

Nathan:
Good. And of course, you got your insulin and your needles, right?

Toki:
Yeps, never leaves my sides.

Pickles:
Ugh, okay! I hear you I HEAR YOU! [turns light on] God what time is it?

Skwisgaar:
Can we sleeps with you, Pickle?

Murderface:
[in regret] We had too much whipped cream and watched...

Pickles:
Guys, guys, guys what do I keep telling you about eating too much chocolate and watching scary movies?

Murderface:
You said to don't do it, but we diiid!

Skwisgaar:
You said that we shouldn't do its, but nows it's too lates.

Murderface:
It doesn't matter now...please Pickles...

Pickles:
All right, fine just...[Skwisgaar and Murderface immediately get in Pickles bed]

Murderface:
All right!

Skwisgaar:
Thanks, Pickle!

Pickles:
...just get in the bed, and go to sleep, okay?!

Skwisgaar:
Oh, thanks you Pickle.

Murderface:
[sighs in relief] [whispering] Oh uh, I gotta fart!

Skwisgaar:
Uh oh... [snickering as Murderface farts]

Pickles:
God f***ing dammit, go to bed!

Nathan:
Pickles, wake up, we gotta go get Toki!

Pickles:
Okay, Nathan, do you think you're over parenting Toki, just a little bit?

Nathan:
Uhhhh...[seeing Murderface and Skwisgaar in the bed] What the f*** are you guys doing in his bed?

Pickles:
I'd rather not talk about it.

Toki:
You know what? Dis ams bullshit! I'm not just some dildo jack-off campers! My names Toki Wartooth, and I'm in Dethkloks! [audience gasps at his identity] Now I'ms taking my snow globes and gettings the f*** outta here! [turns to get his snow globe, which is missing from it's spot] Oh no, where's my snow globes?

Bully:
You mean thiiiis? [holds up the snow globe and smashes it on the ground, Toki stands upset] Oops. [laughs]

Nathan:
[picking up the snow globe] Oh shit little kid...you just f***ed up real bad...

Nathan:
[cornering Toki's bully, holding Toki's broken snow globe] Tell me. Which hand do you fret with?

Nathan:
[in a comfort chair] Move my feet lower and my head up higher.

Klokateer:
How's that, sire?

Nathan:
I'm eating a piece of pizza, closer to my head.

Murderface:
Hey, Nathan, can I talk to you for a minute?

Klokateer:
How's that, sire?

Nathan:
Getting better, getting warmer]

Murderface:
...in confidence.

Klokateer:
Is that adequate, sire?

Murderface:
FUCK OFF! [klokateer leaves]

Klokateer:
Y-yes sire.

Murderface:
[in jolly mood] Heh-hey, Nathan, pal! Good 'ole Nathan, aw man, look at those shoulders, Captain of the ship! What's happening man? [pause] Nathan, I want you to look at me. Are you looking at me?

Nathan:
[trying to ignore him] Kind of.

Murderface:
[in dramatic mood] I'm gonna tell you a sad tale.

Nathan:
Oh God...

Murderface:
Imagine a child, so horrific looking...

Nathan:
Uh huh...

Murderface:
That he drove his parents to murder-suicide.

Nathan:
Yeah, you right?

Murderface:
Well- uh...Imagine a man...with so little self esteem...

Nathan:
You.

Murderface:
...that he looks...and acts like me!

Nathan:
You.

Murderface:
Well that man is me!

Nathan:
Well glad that we uh...had this little chat. See you later...

Murderface:
You're just not getting it. Listen to me-

Nathan:
YOU WANNA BORROW SOME MONEY, JUST SAY IT!!

Murderface:
Yes I wanna borrow some money, but-

Nathan:
I'll give you anything just to get you away from me, all right?

Murderface:
I won't forget this pal! I'm having some work done down in Tijuana, shhh don't tell the others, it's our secret, you know because it's uh, cost effective-

Nathan:
GET OUT OF HERE!!!

Doctor:
You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. You've been jacking off so hard, that you've got advanced carpal tunnel syndrome. Whatever.

Nathan:
So uhh, you're saying we were touching our...you know whats too much? [Abigail giggles] Hey this is serious stuff! Stop giggling!

Abigail:
I'm not, I'm being serious.

Doctor:
You must refrain from masturbating for the next three months. But beware, you will experience withdrawal, hallucination, sexual nightmares, gender issues. Without masturbation, men and women will go insane!

Nathan:
Excuse me, excuse me, can I have everyone's attention, I just wanna say a few things.

Ofdensen:
Oh God, please...please God...

Nathan:
I have a secret to reveal, I uh...there's been a bit of an inter-office relationship going on and uh...Abigail...and myself...are an item. [applause but Abigail looks shocked] I just wanted to announce that, thank you everyone, thank you. You're beautiful!

Pickles:
[enraged, smashes his wine glass] NO! No no no! You cannot have this too! You greedy, fat asshole! You f***! Y-y-you destroy the record! You f***ing take everything you see! [grabs dinner plates and smashes them] And you take, and you take! [Murderface, drunk walks over]

Murderface:
Hey, hey, hey!

Pickles:
Get off of me! Get off of me!

Murderface:
What are you gonna do, hit me?! [immediately punched by Pickles] AHHHHH! It's not supposed to happen!

Pickles:
Goddammit...I'm f***ed. I'm f***ing f***ed over here. I got nothing...so I'm gonna f***ing take myself the f*** outta here. I f***ing quit. I f***ing quit!

Nathan:
[at an audition for his new band, the drummer is doing a Metal beat] Stop, stop listen! It sounds like you're trying to sound like Dethklok, all right? That's- You're missing the point!

Dick:
Yeah, guys, we're trying to get away, from the Dethklok sound, we're moving on. Get it? Nathan why don't you explain a little more about that.

Nathan:
Uhh...okay y-yeah.

Skwisgaar:
Explains the sounds a bit...to them.

Nathan:
Uhh, it's gotta be umm, what are we talking about how it's sounds...

Skwisgaar:
Measurables, hows to be extra sounds...

Nathan:
Extra...it has to be more than...

Skwisgaar:
It has to be, you know, more dans the...

Nathan:
Yeah, but with less! But with less. Yeah.

Skwisgaar:
Dat's the idea. So do dats.

Nathan:
There's no other way to explain it other than- I hope you were listening, 'cause that's not gonna happen again!

'Skwisgaar:
Yeah.

Nathan:
All right, ready? [drummer goes again, with a bit more variety] One, two- NOPE! NOPE! YES! Yes, yes-Nope. Okay thank you, you're done. [drummer stops playing] What am I doing wrong here?!

Dick:
Between you and me, I don't think they get it. You know, you may need some studio ringers.

Nathan:
Session guys?

Dick:
Yeah, session guys, hot shots, they just, they'll give you what you want, and all I gotta do is give them a ringy-ding. You say go and I will.

Nathan:
Oh, I don't know. What do you think?

Skwisgaar:
I uhhh, was not listenings...to what....you two saids...

Nathan:
All right, let's do it.

Skwisgaar:
Yeah.

Dick:
Let's send these jerks home.

Skwisgaar:
[to entire audition line] GO HOMES DING DONGS!

Ishnifus Meaddle:
What you must understand is that the Metalocalypse has been moving forward. These events have been foreseen-the death of a religious figure by the hand of the godless half-man set the clock to lurch forward. That five souls would come to shepherd us through the darkest times known.

Murderface:
Is that old guy supposed to be Santa Claus or some shit? Are we getting presents? What is happening here?!

Ishnifus:
We are trying to tell you that you're the ones for which we have been waiting thousands and thousands of years. You are the chosen ones.

Murderface:
You mean we're the Jews?

Skwisgaar:
[about the special costumes Toki made them wear for the Diversity event] Holy shit, guys! We ams dressed likes the fuckings Klans!

Pickles:
Toki, your special outfits, while very comfortable, are going to get us killed!

Toki:
[watching on TV having been left behind at Mordhaus] Ah, you fuckers left me again!

Nathan:
[as the band run for their lives from a mob of outraged fans] This is so not doable!