NCIS, Season 10

(Tony and Ziva are stuck in the elevator after the explosion)

Tony:
[holding Ziva up on his shoulders as she bangs on the escape hatch] I'm so glad we broke protocol and took the elevator. Who's bright idea was that anyway?

Ziva:
What?

Tony:
Xenia Onatopp, the Bond villain from GoldenEye. Famke Janssen. She would kill men by squeezing her well-shaped, muscular thighs. [cringes as Ziva squeezes his neck]

Ziva:
I could think of worse ways to die. [pushes on hatch] I am almost there! We're stuck!

Tony:
Keep pushing, thigh master. I'm starting to enjoy this.

Ziva:
Something is blocking it. It is jammed. They're going to have to open it from the outside. [slides down Tony's back as the elevator shifts] We slipped.

Tony:
Did we? I thought the earth moved.

Ziva:
You're sweating.

Tony:
It's hot in here.

Ziva:
I had not noticed.

Tony:
Really?

Tony:
How much longer are we going to be stuck in here? Hello?! Anybody!

Ziva:
It's been hours, Tony. I cannot take much more of this.

Tony:
What's that supposed to mean? I suppose it is getting a little ripe in here.

Ziva:
I'm not ripe! You, on the other hand, are pungent!

Tony:
[sniffs himself and coughs] Well, it could be worse. You could be stuck in this tin can with Miguel from human resources.

Ziva:
[laughs] He sweats more than anyone I've ever known.

Tony:
How about Jeremy from office operations? That guy. He's always undressing you with his eyes. I mean, he's fun, but a little creepy.

Ziva:
Hey, what if one of those men is dead?

[They sit in silence but are startled at a knock, then the doors open]

Abby:
[shoves the fireman out of the way] There you are!

Ziva:
Abby, I've never been more happy to see your gorgeous face.

Abby:
You guys must be ready to kill each other. I mean, I can't think of who I'd want to be stuck in an elevator with, except maybe Amelia Earhart, or Michelle Obama, or Joan of Arc, or the whole cast of Cirque du Soleil in case I got bored I could --

Tony and Ziva:
Abby!

Ziva:
Good news: McGee was released from the hospital.

Abby:
[glum] Great. I'm sure he has a nice, big scar to show for it.

Ziva:
Well, the doctor said it is not too significant, and maybe --

Abby:
Maybe if the doctor had diagnosed Harper Dearing as a clinical nutjob years ago, then none of this would have happened!

Ziva:
Okay. I see you are upset. I mean, we are upset too, but we're safe, and you have to focus on that. You have to focus on the good.

Abby:
The good. What good? Harper Dearing took that away. First he goes after innocent sailors, and then he comes after us where we live. All I see is pain and destruction. I don't see good. I want good back.

Ziva:
Abby, if anyone can find the good, it is you. I have no doubt.

Abby:
What if this isn't over? What if Dearing isn't done?

Ziva:
A terrorist is only as strong as the fear he creates.

Abby:
Ziva, please. Kick. His. Ass.

Palmer:
Doctor Mallard, I've been holding on to the body for the family. No one ever contacted us.

Ducky:
Well, claiming the remains of wanted men has always been taboo, Mr. Palmer. Forensic historians have shown more interest in their bodies than family members. That's why John Wilkes Booth has always been a fascination for me. You see, his --

Gibbs:
Duck, you're not here, remember?

Ducky:
Yes, but I am alive, and until I am embalmed and buried there will be stories to tell, and I look forward to telling them.

(regarding the news that Harper Dearing still alive)

Ziva:
Agent Fornell me asked to convey this message: "Are you freaking kidding me?!" BOLO's out.

(Gibbs confronts Dearing at the house where Dearing's son Evan was born; he listens to tapes from Evan's Navy service)

Dearing:
[from the kitchen] Turn that off, will you? Evan used to send us cassette tapes to listen to, see how he was doing... please.

[Gibbs shuts the tape player off, and looks inside the kitchen, where Dearing is working with a coffee machine]

Dearing:
Trying to make you a nice cup of coffee. I know you like it, but this... [chuckles] This machine is impossible. How about something stronger?

[Dearing pours two glasses of whiskey and offers one to Gibbs, who shakes his head]

Dearing:
I'm glad you came, Gibbs. I was hoping you'd figure it out eventually - the house where Evan was born. I'm sure you have similar feelings for Kelly's home. "Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it." Mary Shelley. [pause] You and I are a lot alike, you know. You made one decision, I made another. We both did what we had to do. [walks over to the window, with a gun on the windowsill; Gibbs spots it, and pulls his knife] You have a job to do, Gibbs; I've done mine. Do I have regrets? Yeah... some. But not all. Maybe things happen for a reason.

[Dearing grabs the gun and turns, but Gibbs knocks it from his hand and stabs him; Dearing stares at him before slumping to the floor, dead]

Tony:
You can't tell me Midge didn't like me because I'm not a woman.

Ziva:
Let it go, Tony. Midge liked you just fine, she just thought you were occasionally annoying.

Tony:
Annoying? That's almost worse.

McGee:
You're more like high maintenance. You know, always switching from the hip holster to the shoulder to the ankle.

Ziva:
Changing from the Glock 17 to the 23 and then back again.

Tony:
You know, what's high maintenance about that? I like a certain holster. I like a certain gun.

Gibbs:
Things odd, Abby? What's odd?

Abby:
The bullet that killed Midge. It's nasty. It's like way nastier than any standard .32 I've ever seen.

Gibbs:
It looks pretty standard to me.

Abby:
Yeah, but look closer. It's covered in mold spores, and old mold, like sixty years, which means it's a very old bullet.

Gibbs:
From where?

Abby:
Well, my first thought is this assassin from the past. He stumbles through a tear in the space-time continuum.

Gibbs:
Or from somebody's old gun.

Abby:
That was my second thought.

Ziva:
You've barely spoken since we left, brilliant chatterbox.

Tony:
Not feeling so brilliant, I guess.

Ziva:
Well, if it's any consolation, your friend Judy did not seem the least bit spoken for to me either.

Tony:
Vance was right to yell. I'm off my game. I've lost my focus. It's like half my brain is still stuck in that elevator.

[Ziva, Tony and McGee are talking to Gibbs about the victim]

Ziva:
The most remarkable thing about him was how unremarkable he was.

McGee:
And whatever the motive for his murder is.

Gibbs:
You got nothing.

Tony:
Sounds worse when you say it like that.

Gibbs:
Not worse. Wrong. We got something. Got a dead Marine [walks past Ziva, Tony and McGee, who all look uncomfortable]

Gibbs:
Tell me you got something, Abs.

Abby:
I do.

[Abby puts a lei around Gibbs' neck and hands him a cocktail. Gibbs looks at her in bemusement.]

Abby:
Much better.

Gibbs:
I don't know where to start.

Abby:
Well, it's just that ever since the "kaboom", you should've been walking around looking like Mr Sourpuss but I know that on the inside you're one of the kindest people I know. So I thought it would be nice if today your outside reflected your inside. I know what you did for Ducky. It was very, very sweet.

Ducky:
There is evil afoot that must be cast asunder.

Gibbs:
Okay, Duck. The fun is over. We can get you out of the bullpen now.

Ducky:
I thought I might assist with the paperwork.

Gibbs:
No, McGee can take care of that. The only place you're going is autopsy.

Ducky:
Back to --

Gibbs:
You've been cleared for duty, Duck.

Ducky:
Oh, how wonderful! Back to -- okay. Well, I suppose I'll just be going back to autopsy. [walks away]

Ziva:
[smiles] We are finally whole again.

Ziva:
So you two did end up going out last night.

Tony:
How did you know about that?

Ziva:
I have hearing like a horse.

McGee:
Hawk.

Ziva:
A horse's hearing, McGee, is one of their keenest senses. Which is why you must "horsewhisper".

Tony:
Maverick, Top Gun, McGoose.

Ziva:
Let me guess, those movie trivia works with women in bars?

Tony:
Well, something must. 'Cause Tim and I have a pretty fierce date on Friday night. [McGee nods in agreement] And I have to say, we are a force of nature.

Ziva:
I see. So women are just waiting for this masculine force?

Tony:
Pretty much, yeah.

Abby:
You can stare all you want but a watched mass spec will not coil. He's also immune to wishing, hoping, willing, most forms of voodoo.

[Tony, Ziva and Gibbs are discussing a victim who played basketball in high school]

Ziva:
Where he was suspended for shaving. Why do they not want their players to shave?

Tony:
Shaving points, Ziva.

McGee:
Kris Taylor?

Alec:
No...he's not here. Is something wrong?

Ziva:
[sarcastically] Yes. It is 3pm and we just woke you up. Do your parents know what they're paying for?

Abby:
[hangs up the phone] Grrrr this guy bugs me!!

Gibbs:
Who?

Abby:
Mr Vijay-I'm-a-billionaire-and-I-want-my-car-back-right-now Chaya.

[...]

Abby:
You can tell a lot about someone from their car.

Gibbs:
Yeah?

Abby:
We can bust this guy if we want to.

Gibbs:
Yeah?

Abby:
Based on contents of his ashtray, he smokes Cuban cigars.

Gibbs:
Abs, that's not a problem.

Abby:
He wears $3000 Italian sunglasses and has Justin Bieber on his hard-drive! Can't we arrest him for that?!

Tony:
How'd it go with your father?

Gibbs:
No blood shed.

LJ Moore:
How did you get her to give it to you?

Jackson Gibbs:
I got a son who's a federal agent. Sticks his nose in other people's business. He's very persuasive.

Tony:
[as he walks into the squad room from the elevator] The sweet smell of recycled air, the hot glare of an annoying skylight, the weird whir of a broken fax machine, another day in paradise!

Ziva:
[amused] Well, somebody woke up on the far side of the bed.

Tony:
Actually, I sort of did, Ziva. [sarcastically] Thanks to my annoying new neighbors who kept me awake until 5 o'clock this morning.

McGee:
Screamers?

Tony:
The screamers. Third night in a row.

Ziva:
I had neighbors once who never stopped fighting.

Tony:
Not that kind of screamer Ziva.

[McGee shows Tony's old high school portrait to Ziva, who gushes over it while Tony looks embarrassed]

Tony:
Ok, ok, have your chuckles. By the way, that was a very good look back in the day.

McGee:
For a Bible salesman!

Ziva:
Tony, if I were you I would burn that film because you do not want anymore of these getting out there.

Tony:
It shouldn't have gotten out at all but it did, thanks to McSnoop Dog here. Now listen, give me that picture because Gibbs cannot get his hands on this, do you understand me?

Gibbs:
[walks into squad room] Nice look, helmet-head.

Tony:
Hey Boss. It is a transitional phase. You know, the 80's.

Capt Westcott:
You serve, Agent Gibbs?

Gibbs:
Scout Sniper.

Westcott:
Then you know what it's like seeing your friends die and thinking you could've done more.

Ziva:
Are you all right, Tony?

Tony:
Can I show you something?

Ziva:
Yes. [Tony hands her old photographs] Is this your mother?

Tony:
Yes.

Ziva:
Wow, she was beautiful.

Tony:
Oh. I guess she was.

Ziva:
How come you never talk about her?

Tony:
I don't?

Ziva:
No. No, you don't.

Tony:
Hm. Well, I guess she was the first woman to break my heart, and I don't like to talk about things like that.

Ziva:
You don't like to talk about it because you don't want to, maybe it causes you too much pain. So she was the one who took you to the movies, huh?

Tony:
Yeah. Yeah, we would go to these dollar matinees. We'd make these weekend trips to the city and there was this this theater that she loved over on 42nd Street. It was pretty run down, but she loved movies. I think she loved the escape. This is the last movie we ever saw together, right before she -- The Little Prince.

Ziva:
[smiles softly] "That which is essential is invisible to the eye."

Tony:
Ziva David, did you just quote a movie?

Ziva:
No. I quoted a book that was made into a movie.

Tony:
[smiles] Huh.

Ducky:
Where is Captain Westcott, other than at the forefront of your mind?

Gibbs:
He's headed home. Doc ok-ed me getting into the ambush and I pushed. Pushed too hard.

Ducky:
It's obvious that you feel a grave responsibility towards this young man.

Gibbs:
Ducky, I sent home plenty of Marines like Westcott. I knew their heads weren't right. I hoped that there would be someone on the other side to catch them.

Ducky:
You had no choice. You had to stay behind. It was your duty.

Gibbs:
I'm on the other side now. I tried to catch Westcott. I didn't, he wouldn't let me.

Ducky:
And when do you take no for an answer?

Gibbs:
I'm angry, Ducky.

Ducky:
You can't fix the world, Jethro. But you can call the boy.

Westcott:
Can't believe the old bird just let you shut the place down so I could concentrate.

Gibbs:
Amazing what happens when you don't give the bird a choice.

Westcott:
[laughs] You are a bad ass Agent Gibbs.

[Tony and Ziva are in the car on a stake out]

Tony:
[cheerfully] Yup, well, I think the sun is virtually up so let me be the first to wish you Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble. [chuckles, Ziva looks to him in annoyance] How about the boss? Planning the big host this year. Turkey legs by the fire.

Ziva:
[irritated] Shut up! I'm sick of you sitting in this car being nice to me!

Tony:
[smiles] My deepest apologies.

Ziva:
You're only being nice because you want me to tell you what you want to know.

Tony:
Then tell me and I'll stop being nice.

Ziva:
There's nothing to tell.

Tony:
[sigh] Fine. I'll make it up. [loudly] He's a veterinarian.

Ziva:
Stop raising your voice.

Tony:
I can't be nice, I might as well be loud. Does it make you laugh?

Ziva:
[laughs sarcastically] You're such a child. And then you wonder why I cannot talk to you.

Tony:
So he's a hilarious veterinarian who likes the opera.

Ziva:
Why do you care?! I thought we were past caring about these things.

Tony:
Past them? Look, I don't care who the guy is. I just thought, we were, you know, telling each other things about things. The things that..you know, matter.

Ziva:
Tony, there is no funny veterinarian. There is no one, actually.

Girl:
Look, I didn't do nothing.

Tony:
Lay off the double negatives. They confuse her. [looks at Ziva]

Westcott:
He means how you got Hall and brought him back to us.

Patterson:
[shocked] What? That wasn't me Captain. That was you.

Westcott:
[to himself] I didn't run away.

Gibbs:
You didn't run. Forgive yourself for the rest.

Westcott:
I just wish it would've mattered.

Patterson:
[to Gibbs] "The General" never ran from anything. [to Westcott] It mattered. To us.

[Ziva is alone in Tony's apartment and Bodnar is coming]

[Ziva is watching out of a window; she hears the door open and immediately turns towards it, ready to shoot. She sees that it is Gibbs and Tony]

Ziva:
[sighs in relief] You should have knocked.

Tony:
I live here!

Ziva:
Yeah, and you almost died here too!

Tony:
At lo levad. (Hebrew, "You are not alone.")

Ziva:
I know.

On a fortune cookie, given to Gibbs by Abby:
'Today's new friend is tomorrow's family

Gibbs:
[to Abby] The things you do mean something to people.

Tony:
Playing? Instead of studying?

Dorneget:
Studying?

Tony:
Yeah Dorneget. For your GS-11 exam?

Dorneget:
What is that? [looks at everyone blankly]

McGee:
It's a test that probies used to have to take to become agents. It hasn't been given in years. Gibbs is the last agent I know that took it.

Tony:
Ah ah ah. The word is that Director Vance is reinstating that test.

Dorneget:
You're messing with me.

Ziva:
No he is not. I heard the same thing from Hollander in HR. I'm glad I did not have to take it.

Tony:
Whew it's tough. [Ziva secretly smiles] Comprehensive, covers all the rules. Brigs, procedures, it's all in the manuals which you're gonna have to learn by heart. Here comes Vance. You can ask him yourself.

McGee:
Listen, don't let him "probie" you.

Dorneget:
What?

McGee:
I've been there, Dorney. Tony's gonna pull rank.

Dorneget:
I can handle him.

McGee:
Watch your back Dorney. [gives him an ominous look]

[Tony and Dorneget are in the Bahamas. Tony is sitting by the pool at the hotel they are staying in, waiting for Dorneget.]

Tony:
Dorneget, you're supposed to beat the senior field agent to work.

Dorneget:
I'm so sorry but the front desk called me at like 3am.

Tony:
Why?

Dorneget:
They said I ordered a wake-up call. Can you believe that? It took me forever to get back to sleep and I guess I slept in. I'm sorry Agent DiNozzo. I promise it won't happen again.

Tony:
It's Tony when we're on stake out. The idea is we're supposed to blend in.

Dorneget:
Right.

Tony:
[deadpan] Speaking of which, what in the name of Brooks Brothers are you wearing? You look like exactly what you are. A pubescent federal agent. [Dorneget fidgets, looking extremely uncomfortable]

[...]

[Tony is video-conferencing with Ziva and McGee who are back at headquarters]

Ziva:
How is Dorneget doing?

Tony:
[smiles] He is an easier mark than McGee. I pulled the old 3am wake-up on him.

McGee:
Of course you did.

Ziva:
[laughs] Give him a break Tony!

[Tony and Dorneget enter the squad room with their suspect]

Tony:
Heyyyy!! The Double D's DiNozzo and Dorneget got their man!

[Vance and Abby find Dorneget studying NCIS manuals at the desk in the evidence locker]

Vance:
Why are you highlighting those old manuals?

Dorneget:
I'm preparing for my GS-11 exam.

Vance:
We haven't given that test in over twenty years.

Dorneget:
I heard you were reinstating it.

Vance:
From whom?

Dorneget:
[realizes he's been pranked] Agent DiNozzo.

Vance:
Dorneget, you're being probied.

Dorneget:
Yeah but Ziva confirmed!

Abby:
That's because he did the same thing to her and she studied for three months.

Ziva:
Anything new on the nanny front?

McGee:
Not that I've heard. Vance's search enters its second week.

Tony:
Which left his agents feeling like a gaggle of nuns waiting on white smoke from the Vatican chimney.

Gibbs:
Nah, something's not right here. Sniper would target the dog before he would the handler. Dog finds bombs, saves lives. You take out the dog, nobody gets saved.

[Camera shot reveals Dex sitting and looking intently at Gibbs]

Gibbs:
[looks at Dex] Why am I telling you this?

[Tony and Ziva are watching a weather report on a squall of the Atlantic coast]

Ziva:
Where's McGee?

Tony:
Maybe he blew away coming to work this morning.

Ziva:
Maybe he met someone last night.

Tony:
That's doubtful. That would be the reason I would be late.

Ziva:
These days, my friend, I'm not so sure.

Tony:
You've noticed.

Ziva:
Yes! I'm quite aware you've hit a...um... dry spell, recently.

Tony:
Like Lawrence of Arabia.

Palmer:
So Agent Burley was Agent DiNozzo before Agent DiNozzo was Agent DiNozzo.

Ducky:
That is correct. One cannot help but be confused by the Downton Abbey complexity of government bureaucracy.

Tony:
Telling you, it was more than that.

McGee:
Tony, you're letting your imagination get the best of you. Stan [Burley] was not flirting with Ziva.

Tony:
Hmm...I noticed it in Italy last year too. [pauses, to McGee] Does Burley look burlier to you?

McGee:
Stan's a good guy. Besides, he knows that Ziva is vulnerable right now.

Tony:
Ah ha! That's exactly what I'm talking about. You see, he could use that to his advantage, swoop right in like a hawk going in after a sweet, innocent, furry little Israeli.

[Tony subdues a suspect who attacked Agent Stan Burley]

Stan:
Thanks. You're too good to me.

Tony:
Consider it an engagement present.

Tony:
College campuses, always bring back memories, good and bad. Kinda like fathers.

McGee:
How long have you been sitting on that transition, Tony? Subtle...

Tony:
Between Gibbs, Ziva and myself, there's no reason to beat around the bush when it comes to daddy drop-ins.

McGee:
[sarcastically] Yeah, because those all went so well.

[At NCIS headquarters, Gibbs interrogates McGee's father, Admiral John McGee]

Admiral McGee:
[points at the one-way window] Who's behind the glass? Who's watching?

Gibbs:
You scared he's gonna see you break?

Admiral McGee:
My relationship with my son is none of your damn business.

Gibbs:
You make him think he's nothing. You're the one with nothing.

Admiral McGee:
[glaring] You will respect this uniform.

Gibbs:
Answer the question!

Admiral McGee:
This uniform provided for him, for his mother, for this whole family!

Gibbs:
Why lie? Why avoid the truth? Why avoid your son?

Admiral McGee:
[resignedly] Alright. [he sits down] Because I'm sick. No one could know. Stage 4. I wasn't feeling well when we showed up for the exercises. I knew Haber was top notch, so I transferred to the Borealis. Haber gave me something for the pain... but he knew what was causing it.

Gibbs:
He was gonna report it to NAVCENT.

Admiral McGee:
Doctor-patient privilege is a little different when it comes to national security. So that meant the end of my career.

Gibbs:
It's motive to keep the commander quiet.

Admiral McGee:
Gibbs... I've been a lot of things. I've been a lousy father, I've been a son of a bitch. But I'm no murderer.

[Watching on the other side of the glass, McGee is visibly upset, tears running down his face]