Red Dwarf, Series X

Lister:
No the moose aren't in the cars, antlers out the sun roof! They're in the roads, mooseing about, crossing roads, causing accidents!Cat: You mean they're not looking left and right?Lister: Exactly.Cat: Not using the pedestrian crossings?Lister: Exactly!Cat: Not paying attention as to whether it's a little green man or a little red man? Of course they're not, they're mooses!! Jeez... Swedes: they expect too much!

Rimmer:
Kryten, you have a real gift. You make things that are really, really complicated sound really, really complicated.

Rimmer:
Are you saying I am a resentful person? I really resent that!

Howard:
And you rebuilt him - gave him something to live for.Rimmer: No, we just hosed him down and gave him a hat.

Rimmer:
[upon reading the results of his latest Astro Navigation exam and fully expecting to fail] CAN YOU NEVER EVER SUCCEED AT ANYTHING, YOU USELESS RANCID CANCEROUS SACK OF SICK?!

Rimmer:
[explaining a lateral thinking question.] 'It's 1971, a Swedish man crashes into a tree, what causes the accident?' There's nothing medical, nothing wrong with the car.

Lister:
[deadpan.] Riiiight, so, um, this Swedish guy drives into a tree, what caused the accident.... Answer's in the back, right?

Rimmer:
Right.

Lister:
[milking it.] Well... That's a really hard one, that. I mean, probably gotta be pretty damn smart to get a question like that right. You know what, I'm gonna go for a moose.

Rimmer:
A moose?! [scoffs.]

Lister:
Yeah, it was in the road, he swerved to avoid the moose.

Rimmer:
[checking.] Are you insane? That's never gonna be - it's a moose.

Lister:
[wandering out.] Sometimes life is good.

Kryten:
Ah, sir, you asked me to remind you, it's ten minutes til your exam-

Rimmer:
Kryten, lateral thinking question, just got it myself. It's 1971, a Swedish man drives into a tree, what causes the accident?

Kryten:
Well, it's a moose, sir, he swerves and hits a tree.

Rimmer:
Is it me? How did you get that?

Cat:
Get what?

Rimmmer:
I've got something for you. A lateral thinking question.

Cat:
A lottery what?

Rimmer:
Ahhh, I knew I could rely on you. What caused this accident?

Cat:
[alert.] What accident?

Rimmer:
No, no. It's a question, alright? Are you ready? It's 1971, a man-

Cat:
Was he Swedish?

Rimmer:
... Yes?

Cat:
A moose! [Rimmer sags in resignation.] It was a moose! He swerved to avoid it, and hit a tree! Oh, and the moose is on the road, by the way - not in the car driving. Oww! Yea-ah! [dances out of the room.] Oww! Yea-ah!

Lister:
Who needs a denti-bot anyway, man? Half a bottle of GELF hooch, can't feel a thing now... anywhere, starting to get worried actually.

Rimmer:
So now we don't have that conversation and move straight onto the next conversation?

Pree:
Your next conversation is a conversation about not having the previous conversation, saying you were looking forward to the previous conversation, and now feel a bit lost not having had that conversation. You conclude that you will probably get used to hearing the results of your conversations and no longer having the conversations yourselves.

Lister Jr:
What the smeg?

Lister Sr:
Don't swear!

Pree:
I watched them all yesterday and you did not enjoy them.

Rimmer You knew that I was going to cock this up, so you cocked it up for me?

Rimmer:
That's not a man, that's Lister!

Pree:
Mindful of the Space Pollution Act, JMC policy dictates the ship should dispose of itself by flying straight into the nearest sun.

Cat:
What?!

Kryten:
What about us?

Rimmer:
Never mind "us", what about ME?

Rimmer:
He's got a skullet.

Lister:
A skull what?

Rimmer:
A bald mullet. A skullet. Bald at the front, mullet at the back. You wouldn't want to go out in public with this guy.

Cat:
With just an Allen key and a Phillips screwdriver, assembly should take less than three hours.

Rimmer:
That's Swedish for a week.

Erin:
Ha-ha! I lived in the land of Albion for ten full cycles of the moon, but I fled after my family were dragged screaming from my home to a mighty wicker tower, where they were sacrificed to the three gods: Toutatis, Esus and Taranis. First they were garrotted to death, then they were burnt to death, then they were drowned to death. Three deaths to appease the three gods. Then the druids drank their blood and ate their meat and said the harvest would be bountiful.

Lister:
Right. Have you got any lemons?

Lister:
We've walked 4,000 miles.

Erin:
How many do you want?

Rimmer:
Eight.

Erin:
Eight?! You walked across half the known world for eight lemons?

Rimmer:
You're right, that's absolutely insane. Make it ten.

Rimmer:
You're him off the Bible, aren't you?

Jesus:
The only escape from our enemies is to turn and love them!

Rimmer:
Or run. Running's good too!

Jesus:
It's as if I've smoked some bark from an acacia tree. Bad bark! Well bad bark!

Kryten:
Mr. Jesus? He hath risen!

Jesus:
I'm looking for my uncle. Hast thou seen him?

Erin:
No.

Jesus:
If thou seest him, tell him that I will be in the tavern, drinking wine in great plenty until my legs do the dance of a newly-born camel! And then my mind will turn to dark, vile thoughts and I'll start coveting my neighbour's oxen!!

Erin:
That's breaking the Tenth Commandment, that is.

Jesus:
[giggles] And if there's time, I might even covet his donkey! And when I've finished coveting things, I might make a small statue out of wood and- and- and idolise it a bit!

Erin:
You've got to watch yourself. God is a jealous God. You do that and he won't just get you, you know. According to the Second Commandment, he'll wipe out all your descendants.

Jesus:
Isn't that breaking the Sixth Commandment? 'Thou shalt not kill?'

Erin:
It's not killing, it's genocide. I think that's okay.

Kryten:
According to the note, he's gone back to 23AD so he can "trash his reputation so this Christianity thingth never taketh off-ffff-ffff-ffff-ffffth"

Lister:
What? No Christianity? What about Christmas? We've killed Wallace and Gromit!

Lister:
Look, so some stupid people did some stupid things in your name. It's not your fault. You make a lot of people happy. I mean, look at me: I presumed that throughout history, all famous people were amazing. And then I met you! And I realised they're not. In fact you're a bit of a knob. Just like me. Which means that I'm okay.

Jesus:
Yeah, I don't wanna be me. I don't wanna walk down the street and have people say 'ooh, look there's the Jesus of Caesarea, the guy who caused all the wars!'

Rimmer:
Jesus of Caesarea? You mean Jesus of Nazareth.

Jesus:
[incredulous] Jesus of Caesarea? Son of Rachel the Fornicator, Samuel the Chicken Stealer.

Lister:
Samuel the Chicken Stealer?

Jesus:
He stole them, not me. Take it up with him. I'm always having to leg it because of him.

Rimmer:
Erm, is Jesus quite a popular name around here?

Jesus:
Yeah, there's a few of us. There's Jesus, son of John with a funny nose.... Jesus, son of Luke, he wraps plant leaves around the feet of horses, about 70 of us at the last census.

[The Dwarfers look utterly defeated]

Jesus:
Does this mean I'm not the son of God?

[Lister nods]

Jesus:
Oh, bugger.

Rimmer:
What's that smell? Has there been a fire in here?

Lister:
Just a small one. I put it out with me beer.

Rimmer:
For goodness sake, Lister, that's terrible!

Lister:
Don't panic, I've got another one.

Rimmer:
Lister, we have health and safety protocols for a reason: to safeguard the crew.

Lister:
What crew? The original crew? They all got wiped out remember?

Rimmer:
Exactly.

Lister:
By you.

Rimmer:
...Exactly!

Lister:
When you didn't fix that drive plate properly, and that radiation leak fried them to a crisp.

Rimmer:
......Exactly!

Kryten:
You're up late, sir.

Cat:
Been hunting. Trying to swat this damned space weevil. Little sucker keeps outsmarting me.

Kryten:
Well they do have an IQ of two, sir.

Cat:
I'm not here to help. Read my CV. "Does not help. Does not clean. Will have sex with anything."

Kryten:
He's speaking "choking to death", sir. It is very hard to translate if you are not being strangled.

Lister:
(After cutting off Cat's ponytail) Stage one achieved. What do we do now?

Kryten:
(Discussing the Erroneous Reasoning Research Academy) The staff were handpicked for their ability to be mistaken; for their gifts in fallacious analysis and defective reasoning.

Cat:
(To Rimmer) You could've excelled here.

Kryten:
They were all outstandingly good at being consistently incorrect. There were a lot of referees, TV critics, weathermen, who were then re-educated in the sciences, to develop extraordinary new, erroneous theories, that would combine together to produce works of great genius.

Cat:
Did it work?

Kryten:
No. The whole idea turned out to be wrong. The man behind the idea was so depressed he attempted suicide. Naturally he failed, and he went on to live into his nineties

Kryren:
They say, due to the number of these letters of recommendation, they have absolutely no option but to request you stop writing them.

Rimmer:
Women have moved on from that move.

Lister:
Moves don't move on.

Rimmer:
Moves move on!

Lister:
What, moves move?

Rimmer (after Lister wheels away his chair into the rear wall):
Right, abusing the furniture. It's all going down [into his report book].

Lister:
So, let me get this right. We're being attacked by something but we don't know what, and there's no way of finding out what's out there?

Kryten:
I have a suggestion, sirs.

Rimmer:
What?

Kryten:
How about we look out of the window?

Lister:
I'd hardly call yelling "Mummy, mummy," dignified.

Rimmer:
Lister, I didn't yell "mummy, mummy".

Lister:
No you didn't have time, you just yelled "Mu...".

Kryten' Please sirs, this is very bad for morale. I can't believe you're arguing about who's going to have the best death!

Rimmer Sr:
Arnold, I'm not your father.

Rimmer:
But that's impossible. It's not true.

Rimmer Sr:
Look inside yourself and you will know I speak the truth. Your father wasn't me, it's Dungo, our gardener.

Rimmer:
But he's a babbling imbecile.

Lister:
A billion-piece jigsaw suddenly falls into beautiful place.

Rimmer:
We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Apart from pain. And maybe humiliation and obviously death. And failure. But apart from fear, pain and humiliation, failure and the unknown and death we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Who's with me?

Dominator Zlurth:
It is the way of all things. You live, you die.

Rimmer:
But sometimes you live, you die, and then you live again. I know, I've done it myself.

Hogey the Roguey:
(Repeated line in a cheesy Italian accent) You kills my brother!