Robot Chicken, Season 1

George Bush:
My name is George W. Bush and I approve this message. [Cut to a picture of a taco] Tacos rule.

Rachael Leigh Cook:
[holds up an egg] This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets down egg, and smashes it with the pan, holds up pan with egg dripping down] And this is what your body goes through, but it's not over yet. [smashes dishes] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE! [smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN! [begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car alarm] ON YOUR LEFT ASS-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BITCHIN' FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy; police surround her]

Police Man:
We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed, all the cops jump Rachael]

Rachael Leigh Cook:
[smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT!!! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions? [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?!?!? [smashes herself off the building]

Bloopers Host:
Here's some rare footage from that smash-hit cartoon, "Pokémon".

Pikachu:
Pikachu! Pika pika. Pika pi!

Squirtle:
Squirtle, Squirtle! Squirtle, Squirtle!

Pikachu:
Pika pika, Pikachu! Pika, pika!

Squirtle:
Squirtle, Squirtle! Squir - What the f*** am I saying?! No, I mean it! This shit makes no sense at all!

Pikachu:
Say the line, Earl, or you'll get the gas.

Squirtle:
For the love of Christ, kids, go read a book or something!

Girl:
This is me, and this is Stalin. [draws love heart] We're married.

Giraffe:
So, you told them the wrong time on purpose?

Noah:
Yep, God hates freaks.

Giraffe:
That doesn't sound like God.

Noah:
"That doesn't blah-blah-blah!"

Giraffe:
Well, then, why did you let the..pixie fairies on board?

Noah:
[shocked] I did?! [grabs a mallet, heads downstairs, and attempts to kill them] Get back here, you little dust tosser! [whacks three times]

Speed Racer:
[not making any movement] It's important that I do not move because if I were to move that would add to the cost, so if I stay perfectly still that will be preferable to moving because animation costs money, uh-huh.

Harrison Ford:
I'd like to meet the team of engineers who'll accompany me on my mission to space.

NASA Guy Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.

Steven Tyler:
I'm ready to rock! [vomits]

Harrison Ford:
My God! Did you just get off the centerfuge trainer?!

Steven Tyler:
No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs! Yeeahhoo!

[cut to a live action man]

Live Action Man:
That's terrible! Steven Tyler has been clean for years! I have to write an angry letter. [changing to lispy voice] Dear assfaces...

Sean O'Keefe:
[after the spaceshuttle crashes on the meteor] F***!!!

George W. Bush:
F***!!!

Live Action Man:
Now that sucks donkey dong.[the meteor destroys the Earth]

[Presidential Report Blooper starts]

Reporter 1:
This just in: CNN calls the state of Florida for Al Gore! That means Gore has won the Presidential Election. Thank you, Jesus!

Reporter 2:
Sure dodged that bullet.

[Blooper ends]

Bloopers Host:
Oops.

Charlie Brown:
Meet the kite-eating tree, you ugly son of a bitch!

Charlie Brown:
This is different from the time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive attitude with strong Christian overtones won't save us this time.

Marcie:
Hold me, sir. [she and Peppermint Patty French-kiss]

Charlie Brown:
I said "strong Christian overtones"!

Lucy:
Just kick the ball, you block-head!

Charlie Brown:
But every time I try, you just take the ball away.

Lucy:
This time I won't! Come on already!

Charlie Brown:
[to himself] Maybe this time she means it. I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna kick the football! This is it! [kicks Lucy] That's for years of humiliation, bitch!

[at the cracks of Mount Doom]

Vince Neil:
Back to the fires that forged you, evil trinket! [edge breaks, plummets] Aahh! Arrgh!!

[Corey Feldman jumps down, grab Vince's hand, grapple hooks the cliff and stops their fall]

Vince:
Corey! You saved me, bro.

Corey:
You can burn in hell, I just want the ring. [drops down]

Vince:
Corey, no! ["SPLAT!!" sound] Aw, bro!

Corey:
Um friends, remember me fondly... in Stand By Me.. and in The Lost Boys.. only the fist half. [sunken down] A-a-and Friday the 13th was pretty gooh....

Aquaman:
Listen, uh, I don't mean to be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasn't been vacuumed in weeks and...

Superman:
Hey, Waterman, I was busy, you know...realigning the planet, or something.

Aquaman:
But you drew vacuuming out of the job jar and everyone else...

Superman:
Face it. Who's gonna save the Earth from a giant meteor while Superman's vacuuming? You? I don't think so.

Aquaman:
I could. Hey!

Alien 1:
Dammit, dammit, dammit! Years of planning, ruined!

Alien 2:
How were we gonna take over the world with a white Michael Jackson, anyway?

Alien 1:
Dammit, dammit, dammit!

Destro:
Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.

She-Ra:
Am I done yet?

Moore:
You'll know, She-Ra, you'll know.

Dog:
But the DNA evidence matched 13 out of 13 as drs the defendant is clearly guilty

Jack:
... Ah your a f***ing dog! Ok so lets go over this again

Judge:
Jack Backett, you are charged with double homicide. How do you plead?

Jack:
Not guilty, your honor.

Jury Foreman:
This is gonna be fun! Yee-haw!

Dog:
[Busts into the courtroom with a gun]

Guy in the courtroom:
Oh my God! He's got a gun!

Dog:
Nobody listened to me before, Jack must die! [Starts shooting everyone in the courtroom.]

Narrator:
Tune in next time when every dog has its day.

Papa Smurf and Brainy are in Vanity's house, investigating the latter's murder, in a parody of Seven.

Papa Smurf:
One thing's for certain, Brainy. Vanity Smurf died the way he lived.

Brainy:
Bicurious?

[Brainy Smurf enters Smurfette's house, when all of a sudden, he sees Jokey holding a box.]

Jokey:
Oh, Brainy. Hi, Brainy!

Brainy:
Oh, no, Jokey! Your sense of humor, your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection. You're the killer!

Jokey:
I got you a present!

Brainy:
What's in the box, Jokey, what's in the box!?

Jokey:
It's a surprise!

[Brainy opens the box.]

Brainy:
Nooo!!! Oh, Smurfette, noooo!!! [The box explodes.]

Jokey:
Surprise!!! Mwahahahaha!!!

Brainy:
What the f*** is wrong with you?

Homer Simpson:
Morning Apu, one order of Freedom Fries, please?

Apu:
Oh, for the love of my heathen God. They're called french fries, you fat, stupid American!

Guy:
Department Of Homeland Security, don't move!

Apu:
What?!

[The Department Of Homeland Security guys point their guns at Apu, then shows The Simpsons family at a barbeque.]

Simpsons:
Happy birthday America!

Marge Simpson:
I hope Apu has learned his lesson.

[Scene then changes to a naked Apu chained to the neck by Lynndie England in a detention prison]

Apu:
I am so sorry I ever dared question the wisdom and strength of the United States of America.

Lynndie England:
Damn straight, yee-ha!

Queen Beryl:
Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition! [Notices her erection.] Oh...anime sure is weird!

[The A-Team are about to take off in a helicopter.]

B.A.:
I ain't flyin', Hannibal! No way, no how!

Hannibal:
That sounds perfectly reasonable B.A., now calm down and have some nice milk.

B.A.:
[drinks glass of milk] Mmm, milk, Good for the bones, good for the kids. I pity the fool who ain't got no calcium in his diet!

[Murdock drops a huge TV on B.A.]

Faceman:
Murdock, we drugged the milk! You didn't have to hit him over the head!

[Next scene, aboard the helicopter]

Murdock:
Hey, you know years of drugged milk can lead to severe side effects like Severe lactose intolerance.

[The unconscious B.A. begins farting up a storm]

Faceman:
Damn it, the windows won't roll down!

Hannibal:
This is gonna be a long flight...

Daphne:
Gosh, Freddy, are we really going to go all the way?

Fred:
If one more person says something about my ascot, I'll - damn, it's fashionable!

Fred:
I suggest we split up. Shaggy and Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods. Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that nice sex until you get back.

Phyllis Diller:
Sex? You? With her? But with that dickey, you couldn't even bag an old bag like me! [laughs]

Fred:
[slaps her] It's an ascot, you old whore! An ascot!

Phyllis Diller:
[punches Fred] Well, your "ascot" laid out by this old whore, dickey.

Stix the Rabbit:
Ooh! Stix cereal! I gotta have some!

Boy & Girl:
Stupid bunny, Stix are intended for children!

Stix the Rabbit:
Just give me a little!

Girl:
He touched me inappropriately!

[Stix gets sent to jail. In Jail, Stix rabbit meets Cookie Criminal]

Cookie Criminal:
Couldn't lay off the sugar right?

Stix the Rabbit:
[crying] But I can't help myself. My mother ate sugar when she was pregnant with me!

Cookie Criminal:
You wanna control the sugar? Stop using and start selling. Here, hook this guy up when you're out.

Officer:
Rabbit, you're out.

Stix the Rabbit:
Really? But its only been an hour!

Officer:
You in Alabama foo', an hour's all you get for touchin' a child

[Cut to a scene there a Gudie and Stix Rabbit going around in the jungle]

Toucan Sam:
Selling's a dangerous business rabbit! Had to kill the Fruit Brute, Yummy Mummy, even the Cinnamonkey!

Toucan Sam:
Well, just follow my snout. It's never in doubt.

Jungle Guide:
(whispers to Stix) A snout that big, it should know more than Einstein. Heh! Heh!

Toucan Sam:
KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER!

[All the refugees around Toucan Sam shoot the guide rapidly. We then see a few chiefs made Sugar]

Stix the Rabbit:
[referring to the cocaine] Wow! Do you have any idea how rich am I going to be selling this cocaine...SUGAR! [realized and telling the audience] I meant to say 'SUGAR'! Okay! (long pause) There!

[After Stix the rabbit uses sugar to get money wee see children eats suger instead for chocolate, a Bee is used as leverantor. The Stix Rabbit and the Leprechaun are sitting naked in the spa.]

Leprechaun:
I tell ya, the bleeding boys were following me around, and one little brasser says, "We're after your charms." And so I says, "Forget about me blue diamonds, and worry about me blue balls, ya whore!" Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Stix the Rabbit:
Ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. I never have any idea what you're saying.

[Stix Rabbit's assistant steps into the scene.]

Assistant:
(Whispering in Rabbit's ear) Bad news, boss: the Rice Boys are talking to the cops.

Stix the Rabbit:
(standing up with his censored pelvis out) Bastards are always talking!

[Scene cuts to the Rice Boys sitting down and talking to the police officer in a dark room.]

Crackle:
Okay, okay, I'll crack!

Snap:
I'll crinkle!

Pop:
I'll plop!

Crackle:
The Stix Rabbit made us sell the stuff!

Officer:
Uh...we only brought you in 'cuz someone turned in your wallet.

[Officer holds up wallet. All the Rice Boys look nervous.]

Pop:
Heh...Must-must've lost it.

[Scene Cuts to Tony the Tiger and Capitan Crunch shooting the police]

Tony The Tiger:
Use the hollow-point bullets. They're G-r-r-r-roovy!

Capn' Crunch:
Their bones will stay crunchy even when it's soaked in blood! Ha ha!

[Then the cops kill First the two assistants, then Captain Crunch, Then the police kill Tony the Tiger, who is falling down]

Stix the Rabbit:
Don´t Shoot! I give up!

Policeman 1:
He is giving up! Shoot him!

[Policemen start shooting on him, and Stix Rabbit is soon in heaven]

Stix the Rabbit:
(Sees a Box of Stix Cereal) Yes! Finally!

[An Angel appears and says]

Angel:
Stupid bunny, Stix are intended for children!

Stix Rabbit:
Noooooooooo!

Devil:
[to three guys in lava pool] That'll teach you to vote for Nader! [All of the sudden, hell freezes over] What the hell?!

[In a bedroom...]

Nerd (in a singsong voice):
I got laid! I got laid! I got laid!

Hot girl:
What can I say? Nerds are hot.

Nerd (still singing):
Gettin' on a message board, gonna tell the internet! Laid! Laid! Laid! L-a-y-e-d! Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid! [hangs from the ceiling] Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid!

Hot girl:
: Mmm, hot.

Freddy Kreuger:
Fighting boredom is the hardest part of living in the Big Brother house. [Jason Voorhes playing charades, mimes TV, a robot, and a chicken] In case you were wondering, the answer was The Da Vinci Code.

Britney Spears:
You can have my black cherry Justin. ..... ow, my butt!

Gohan:
Dad, could you kick an angel's ass?

Goku:
You're damn right I could.

Gohan:
Is that Santa on the roof?

Goku:
Well if not, I got a present for him. [racks handgun slide, Santa falls hard out of the chimney]

Gohan:
Santa, Santa!

Santa:
Oh! my motherf***ing knee, Oh, f***! Shit! Dog scrotum! F*** it out of hell that hurts like a motherf***er!

Gohan:
Dad, what's a scrotum?

Goku:
Uh... er... heh. So, uh Santa, what happened?

Santa:
Bandits, Goku; they stole my reindeer, and all the presents... and my pants!

Reindeers:
[After seeing Goku and Gohan's Kamehameha, killing two reindeers, making like a path] Holy shit!!!!

Composite Santa:
[Composite Santa is vertically cut in half by the Kamehameha blast] Temperatures over 32 degrees farenheit... my only weakness! [Composite Santa dies]