Robot Chicken, Season 2

Jesus:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. [everyone drops their stones, Jesus then hits the prisoner with his stone] Blammo!

Jerk:
[ as J.K. Rowling is going through trash, looking for food, Manchester, England 1989] 'J.K. Rowling.

J.K. Rowling:
Cor blimey, are you an angel?

Jerk:
I am from the future. In fifteen years time, you will be a best selling children's book author, whose net worth is more than one billion american dollars!

J.K. Rowling:
I had an idea about a boy wizard.

Jerk:
No! Your books will be about uh-a magical racoon. He has an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots pixie dust out of his bunghole!

J.K Rowling:
Thank you, I'll start right away!

Jerk:
Haha [ placard: "Dicks with Time Machines"]

Guy:
It's Moses, he's back!

Moses:
God has blessed me with ten irrefutable commandments for living.

Guy:
Is there anything on there about not pushing your religion on other people?

Moses:
No.

Guy:
Didn't think so.

Moses:
Number one: he who smelt it, dealt it. [Everyone laughs.] Wha? What's so funny? Stop it. Stop laughing! [The time-travelling jerk is sitting behind him holding a hammer and chisel.]

Barney the Dinosaur:
I love you. You love me.

Girl:
But I'm not in love with you.

Fred:
Eh Barney-boy, this is the life!

Barney:
You said it, Fred! An entire civilization not wearin' underwear! Y'gotta love it!

Fred:
[Door knocks] Now who could that be? [Barney laughs]

Delivery Man:
Hi, I'm Mr. Rock from FedEx Stone. I got a delivery for Fred Flintstone from Amazon Boulder.Com/Pebble. [sighs] Look, sometimes, the rock puns don't fit too well, buddy. Do you want the package or not?

Fred:
[reads a letter that came with the package] "Dear Fred, I hope this distracted you long enough. Signed, Barney. P.S. I invented paper. Bitchin'!" [looks over to Barney who tries to sneak out with a box of Fruity Pebbles] Barney! My pebbles!

Barney the Dinosaur:
(now in a street at night standing next to a female smoker) I love you, you love me.

Smoker:
Either way, it's 50 bucks.

Man:
[fleeing a vampire in his car, he turns to look in his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection thinks he's fallen off] Ahh, must have lost him. [brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the car and collapse to the ground] You know, while I'm out, I might as well get some milk.[throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face, not crushing it] Wait a second, I have milk at home. [Speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face and drags the corpse behind the car] La la la, gonna have some milk! La la la....

Boy:
[With pants down, holding a laptop computer.] I was only half way done! Half way done!

Announcer:
there has been a breakout in boston in which a virus wipes out and deletes all the porn out there; and here is president bush to address this issue...

President Bush:
And I the president of the United States have only one thing to say to you guys; come on man, it's not funny, give us back our porn!

Palpatine:
Ha ha ha ha, so I threw the senate at him. The whole senate! True story!

First Guard:
Oh my God, that is so funny!

Second Guard:
You made it [Milk from the carton in his hand] come out of my nose!

Palpatine:
[His phone rings] Go for papa Palpatine.

Operator:
You have a collect call from - [Vader's voice] Darth Vader.

Palpatine:
[Sighs.] Oh, I-I gotta take this, hold on. Vader! How's my favorite Sith? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just, slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? F***! OH, FUCK!, FUCK! FUUUCK! Who's "they"?! What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?! [Sighs.] Okay, okay, s-so who's left? Are you shitting me? Well where are you? Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell like...feet...wrapped...in...leathery...burnt...bacon. Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have - do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit? [Phone rings.] Ah, hang on, I've got another call. [Switches line.] What?! I'm very busy right now! Oh. Oh, we-well where're they going? Oh. Alright, um, just get me a turkey club. Uh, cole slaw, I guess. I-I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what're you getting? No, see, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Okay, bye - wait, what? Oh, a Cherry Coke. Thanks. [Switches back to Vader.] Sorry about that. [Sighs.] What? Oh-oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, real f***ing original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about "Padamamay" or "Panda Bear" or whatever the hell her name was! Oh geez, he's crying! Ha, ha...hey, hey, hey, hey, c'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just, just, look, ah, y'know, I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now. Eh, Death Star blown up by a bunch of f***ing teenagers, y'know? I didn't mean to snap. Oh, oh, j-just get back here. Okay, okay, bye. I-I-yeh-I...I love you too. [Note: Also appears on Robot Chicken: Star Wars]

Voices:
Braaains... braiiins...

Man:
Are you radioactive zombie mutants, or survivors, thanking the only thing that's kept you alive?

Voices:
[after a pause] Zombies.

Man:
Okay.

Voices:
Didn't feel right to lie to you.

E.T.'s Mom:
He said he would phone me but he hasn't phoned. He knows how I worry.

Elmer Phudd:
I'm takin' you to school, call me the professor

You're sexually confused, 'cause you a cross-dresser.

You like to kiss men, that's real funny.

Call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay boy bunny.

Master of the stage. You need a map junkie.

You made a wrong left turn on Albuquerque.

I'm a pimp because my hunting apparel's hot son.

It was wiped by on your ho with my double barrel shotgun. [shoots at B Rabbit with his double barrel shotgun]

Daffy Duck:
Now hold on a second, man! It's not rabbit hunting season yet! See! [[Pints at the sign that says "Wabbit Season (Not Yet)"] Okay! [Gives the mic to B Rabbit] Your turn, B Rabbit!

B Rabbit:
Yeah, yeah. I know that you call me wascawwy wabbit.

Say your R's like W's that's a really bad habit.

It's room, not woom. Trees, not twees.

You replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese.

You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's glue.

I got you some coffee, one lump or two?

Elmer Phudd:
Two?

[B Rabbit hits him on the head twice with a mallet]

B Rabbit:
I only dress like a girl, just to prove that you're gay.

Would you like a kiss handsome?

Elmer Phudd:
Really? OK!

B Rabbit:
Elmer packs "fudd". You heard what I said.

He's so bald, I'll put a "hare" on his head. [B Rabbit sits on Phudd's head]

I'll sit down on your head. Just like I was a thinker. Hmm.

[He farts while sitting down on his head] Ain't I a stinker?

Doctor:
Mr. President, your vitals seem to be all right, there is however one thing thought, your midichlorian count is extremely high.

Bush:
Does that mean I'm one of them- whata call 'em- Jedis? [thinks then uses the force to pull down the doctors pants] Heheheheheheh.

[scene change to Bush and his wife in bed]

Laura Bush:
Oh not tonight, I'm tired honey.

Bush:
[mind trick] You're not tired, you wanna have a threesome.

Laura Bush:
[eyes widen] I'm not tired, I want to have a threesome.

Bush:
[picks up telephone] Get me Condi! Heheheheh.

[scene change to a parking lot at McDonalds; Bush is about to park when Bill Clinton takes his spot]

Clinton:
Awww, sorry W, Big Mac attack! Yeeeeeeeheeeew! [Bush is angry and uses the force to drop Clinton and his car in a nearby lake] Hey, what the dilly?

Bush:
Heheheheheheh!

[scene change to George Bush using lightsaber to carve the words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial] Heheh, saber beats rock.

[statue lifts up revealing Abraham Lincoln]

Bush:
What the hell?

Lincoln:
Who dares disturb my slumber?

Bush:
Who dares question my...daring...of...his dare?...Jerk!

Lincoln:
It is I...I who freed the slaves...I who-

Bush:
Boring! Let's fight! [Lincoln draws a lightsaber and they begin the fight, Bush corners Lincoln]

Lincoln:
If you strike me down, I shall become - [Bush raises his saber for the kill] No, wait a minute, lemme finish - [gets sliced and dies like Obi-Wan Kenobi in A New Hope'] Agghhh!

Bush:
That'll teach you, George Washington!

[scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader tells Luke Skywalker he is his father]

Bush:
Jenna, get over here right now! I am your father!

Jenna:
[on the thing Luke was on] That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want! [flips him off]

Bush:
Why you little - [slices off her middle finger]

Jenna:
Owwww!

Bush:
No baby, I'm sorry!

Jenna:
[she falls] Arrggghh, [distant] you suck!

Bush:
Nooooooooooo -

[scene change to Bush asleep on his desk; he wakes up]

Bush:
Wa- Was it all just a dream?

Senator:
[rushes in] Mr. President, we still haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!

Bush:
[tries to do a mind trick] You have found weapons of mass destruction.

Senator:
Uhh...hi. We haven't.

Bush:
[tries again] You have.

Senator:
[sighs] Uh, I don't know what you're doing.

Bush:
[still waving his hand] Bring me a taco.

Senator:
Yes sir. [runs out of the office]

Bush:
Heheheh, tacos rule.

Harry What are we going to do?

Hermione:
Let's ask Hagrid for help.

Harry:
Don't be ridiculous, Hermione. We need to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up hospitalized, like always.

[Waving goodbye to Elliot.]

E.T.:
Be good.

Elliot:
Good-goodbye E.T.

E.T.:
E.T. home.

Alien #1:
Oh my God! Look everyone, that retard we ditched on Earth somehow found his way home!

E.T.:
E.T. phoned home.

Alien #2:
What the hell are you calling yourself "E.T." for, spaz? Your name is Kleeborp. Kleeborp the retard!

Alien #3:
Yeah, Kleeborp the retard with only one glowing finger.

Aliens #1, #2, #3:
Ha, Ha! [shows all glowing fingers]

E.T.:
[gives them a glowing middle finger]

Alien #1:
Oh, now you're f***ing dead. [Aliens grab E.T.]

E.T.:
[Screams like a girl]

Alien #1:
And next time, stay lost, loser!!!

E.T.:
[Looks at Xenomorph from Alien] Friend.

Gene Okerlund:
And Hitler takes a flaming chair to the spine in what will surely go down in history as one of Wrestlemania's greatest moments! Sergeant Schultz do you have any comment?

Sergeant Schultz:
I know NOTHING!

Bomb-Diffusing Robot:
This is some serious bullshit.

Alien #1:
Oh dear, our fleets are being destroyed!

Alien #2:
Will help ever arrive? [Buck Rogers comes in]

Buck Rogers:
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did someone call for a hero?

Alien #1:
Oh, thank goodness! F*** Rogers is finally here!

Buck Rogers:
What.. did you just call me?

Alien #1:
F***!

Alien #2:
F*** Rogers!

Buck Rogers:
[goes near Alien #1:] My name is Buck. Buck Rogers.

Alien #3:
The Robots are through the south defenses! F*** Rogers, we need your help immediately!

Buck Rogers:
[annoyed groaning]

Alien #1:
It's Buck!

Buck Rogers:
My name is Buck, not F***! What's with you aliens?!

Alien #4:
F***!

Buck Rogers:
It's Buck! Damn what the - it's Buck! Buck! Buck! BUCK!

Alien #4:
What are you talking about?! I've been shot! F***, it hurts! [dies]

Alien #5:
Welcome, F***!

Alien #1:
[as Buck gets annoyed:] It's Buck!

Buck Rogers:
THAT DOES IT!! [gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]

Aliens:
[getting shot:] F***, Motherf***er!

Buck Rogers:
F*** you!

Alien #3:
Wait! Wait! [gets shot]

Buck Rogers:
F*** you! F*** you and you! F*** you! F*** you! F*** you! F*** you! F*** you! F*** you!

Wilma:
You really told all the aliens that Buck's name was F***? [chuckles]

Twikky:
Bidi-Bidi-Bidi, I was attempting human comedy.

[A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get out.]

Giraffe:
Uh-oh.

["Stage One:
Denial"]

Giraffe:
It's no big deal. It's probably not even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with the guys. [Laughs nervously.]

["Stage Two:
Anger"]

Giraffe:
Well, this is just f***ing perfect!! Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the face! Motherf***er!!!!! Motherf***er!!!!!! Motherf***!!!!!!! Ahh! F***!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!

["Stage Three:
Bargaining"]

Giraffe:
Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe. Li-listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter creatures. [Laughs nervously.] We got a deal?

["Stage Four:
Depression"]

Giraffe:
[Screams and cries.] MOMMY!!

["Stage Five:
Acceptance"]

Giraffe:
You know somethin'? I'm cool with this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death! I await your loving embrace! [The sinking stops.] What? I think I hit the bottom. [The giraffe struggles with no avail.] F***...

Cyclops:
Look sharp Team!

Professor Xavier:
Remember my X-Men, use extreme caution. This is the most dangerous mission yet!

Cyclops:
Right Professor! [the Sentinel they are fighting blasts them with its lasers and then stomps them into oblivion]

Professor Xavier:
Welcome recruits, although we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual mutants, the danger you're facing will be no less real! You'll be defending a world that hates and fears you!

Larvell Jones:
What?! Hate and fear us, because we're mutants?

Professor Xavier:
No, because you were in the Police Academy movies.

Professor Xavier:
[passes by the group, as Larvell makes squeaking noises] The hell's wrong with this chair? And it seems it's missing someone.

Carey Mahoney:
[crashes in with a jet] Sorry I'm late!

Professor Xavier:
MAHONEEEEEEEYYYYY!

Detective:
Hey ar-are you Deepthroat?

Rimjob:
Hmm? Oh no I-I'm Rimjob, you want Level B2.

Captain James T. Kirk:
[on the USS Enterprise Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise] Report, Mr. Scott.

Scotty:
Captain, somebody traded all of the dilithium crystals for pornographic holograms!

James T. Kirk:
And?

Scotty:
With no power, all life support on the ship is about to fail.

James T. Kirk:
And?

Scotty:
Our only hope is to beam down to the nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people. I can't do no more!

Mr. Spock:
Captain, logic dictates that each of the 433 crew members.

Lt. Uhura:
Hey! Where did Kirk go? [camera scene changes to the same bridge scene without James Kirk] Oh, no. He didn't.

Snow Job:
Hey guys, going on a mission? Can I come?

Flint:
Sorry Snow Job, this mission doesn't require ski's.

Gung-Ho:
Wearin' a blindingly white outfit in the middle of jungle warfare makes you a very shootable target, man!

Snow Job:
Bunch of G.I. Jerks!

Calvin:
Native Americans would be more plentiful if they hadn't traded their land for casinos!

Hobbes:
Well, cowboys never even existed! They're just a masculine image campaign purported by Marlboro!

Calvin's Dad:
I think something's wrong with our son.

Recording Producer:
Okay, lets take it from the top.

Alvin and the Chipmunks:
[singing in comically deep "terrible" voices] Christmas, Christmas time is hereTime for nuts and time for beer

David Seville:
[Still hearing their "terrible" voices] Aw, they're just so terrible! They've eaten me out of house and home! They've got to go!

[David throws a canister of deadly helium into the recording booth, which causes the Chipmunks' voices to become extremely high and much better.]

Alvin and the Chipmunks:
Christmas, Christmas, poop-de-poopDon't buy me a hula hoop

David:
They're fantastic!

Recording Producer:
This could sell thousands of albums.

David:
[noticing that the Chipmunks have collapsed from inhaling too much helium] Oh right... the deadly helium.

Santa Claus:
[pulls over in his sleigh next to three girls] Ho, ho, ho!