Scrubs, Season 3

Nurse Roberts:
You'll be okay, Marshmallow.

Elliot:
Laverne, do you call me "Marshmallow" because I'm soft and easily flattened?

Nurse Roberts:
Well, yeah... But, if it makes you feel any better, it's also because you're very white.

Elliot:
Oh, my God! Isn't she beautiful! I mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately that I think it's worth it. Don't you?

Delivery Guy:
I just deliver the cars. [throws her the keys] She's all yours.

[As Elliot grabs the keys, a truck roars by and takes out the passenger door.]

Elliot:
: Frick!

Dr. Moyer:
These are my machines!

Carla:
Sir-

Dr. Moyer:
MY MACHINES!

Turk:
Whose machines?

Dr. Moyer:
MY MACHINES!

J.D.:
[to Turk] How was that helpful?

J.D.:
Dr Cox

[Dr Cox doesn't answer]

J.D.:
Dr Cox

[He still doesn't answer]

J.D.:
Big Cheese

Dr Cox:
Yes

[Not far away we hear the noise of whistling. Later Dr Kelso is revealed to be the source of the whistling. He enters the hospital with Ted]

J.D (narating):
If your wondering why Dr. Kelso's nose is whistling [as he speaks we go back in time] about a week ago he was torturing Elliot and well...

[In the flashback Perry punches Dr. Kelso on the nose. We then come to the present day]

Elliot:
[Upon applying red lipstick in preparation for a date] Dr. Cox, does this shade of red make me look like a clown?

Dr. Cox:
No... Barbie, no. It makes you look like a prostitute that caters exclusively to clowns.

Elliot:
Oh! Ah... that was my mistake, I keep forgetting that you're a horrible, horrible person.

Dr. Cox:
Ooh, Backbone Barbie!

Elliot:
Oh, so you've never dreamed about your wedding day.

J.D.:
[drifts off]

Priest:
Do you, John Dorian, take Marcia Brady to be your wife?

Maureen McCormick:
My name is Maureen McCormick.

J.D.:
Marcia, please! Father, continue.

Dr. Kelso:
Well, don't worry about it, son, those things are a dime a dozen.

Bruce:
Really?

Dr. Kelso:
In fact, if you get bored, why don't you just hijack an ice cream truck and drive it through our brand new pathology lab? But do me a favor and spare the paper shredder, because I'll need that to turn your next twelve paychecks into a clown wig you can wear for the rest of your internship!

J.D.:
Hey, Sean, you were right about me and my interns. I guess I owe you an apology.

Carla:
Damn straight, you do! You know what your problem is, Bambi? You're-[Turk picks her up and carries her away] Oh! Turk! Please? Just one more second? I need the rush! Please? [to J.D.] I'm coming back for you!

Dr. Cox:
[To Dr. Steadman] You're a doctor? Here, all this time I thought that you were some kind of parasitic creature that lived shoulder-deep inside Big Bob's colon.

Dr. Steadman:
[To Dr. Kelso] If only, sir.

Dr. Cox:
[to J.D] I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles; and you feel free to get this filled out whenever you want.

Dan:
[Objecting to Dr. Cox's harsh treatment of a patient] Dude, these are living breathing people we're talking about here-

Dr. Cox:
I'm sorry, Dan, what do you do?

Dan:
I tend bar.

Dr. Cox:
Well, how about you let me worry about the way we do things around here, but if I ever do need advice on how to make a top notch rum and Coke, well then by gum mister you had better be by the phone cause I just might give you a jingle. [mimes talking on a phone] "Bah-rrring! Hello, Dan? Cox-a-roonie. Regarding the rum and Coke issue. Couldn't be more confused."

J.D.:
Look, Dan. I want to apologize for everything I said. For what it's worth, I really like having you around.

Dan:
No, you don't.

J.D.:
I know. I have dreams where I staple your fingers to your face.

[Dr. Cox is going home. Dan catches him outside the door, having been waiting for him]

Dan:
Hey, Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox:
Oh, here I'd been told you left. It made me happy.

Dan:
[Shrugging] You don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? 'Cause I'm a "screw-up". Always "have been". [Laughs] Ever since we were kids; My mom always made me walk Johnny to school, first day of every year, and every year? I'd walk him to the wrong school [laughing] Just 'cause!

Dr. Cox:
Boy, that's a great story. Really. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother.

Dan:
[With mock modesty] Well...

Dr. Cox:
But I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time; for instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.

Dan:
Hey listen, Dr. Cox. No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act. But let me tell you what I really think: I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you - Johnny does. Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace; sweet kid - smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted, and yet somehow, you found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turn him into some kinda cynical guy, who seems to despise what he does. [Short pause] Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin- I'm telling you, take that responsibility seriously, stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.

J.D.:
[Narration] Love can give you strength you never knew you had.

Dan:
[Extends his hand] It was good seeing you, Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox:
[Shakes Dan's hand, with new respect] Good to see you, Dan. All the best. [Walks off. Dan watches him go, then breathes a sigh of relief]

[J.D. and several other residents are watching TV; Dr. Cox turns it off; they groan]

Dr. Cox:
Fine. Let me just tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the big fat lady cries, waah. Alright. I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of Residency Director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this god forsaken hellhole?

[Elliot looks pleased and impressed]

Dr. Cox:
It's all about the four dollars, trust me.

Danni:
Unrequited love sucks, you know?

J.D.:
You know what we need to do, uhhh...?

Danni:
Danni.

J.D.:
J.D.

Danni:
Hi.

J.D.:
Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in hopes that she'll be so grateful she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and maybe have sex with you after.

Danni:
Did that work?

J.D.:
I stole the wrong purse. And yes.

Jordan:
I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.

Dr. Cox:
Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.

Danni:
What are you doing here?

Dr. Cox:
I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...

Jordan:
Guilt.

Dr. Cox:
No, not that.

J.D.:
Guilt?

Dr. Cox:
Yes, that.

[Jordan rolls her eyes]

Dr. Cox:
I... I don't like her to be right.

Dr. Cox:
Carla, I have a six-month old child, I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad, is he the grandad, is he the grandad's grandad and oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year old little boy is in the mud crying? Is-is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy, and, now look: he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

Dr. Cox:
Do you...do you think that my son will like me?

Carla:
Oh, God no.

Elliot:
Oh my God! She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?

Carla:
Her vagina Elliot, she has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.

[Turk walks in]Turk:
(Gasp)This just isn't fair, not fair at all it's ridiculous! [storms off]

Jordan:
[kisses Cox] Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.

Dr. Cox:
[laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

Elliot:
Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, how will I know that you're officially married?

Carla:
[sarcastically] Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.

Elliot:
Really? God I wish I was ethnic.

Dr. Kelso:
Hey champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? [points to self with thumbs] Bob Kelso. How ya doin'.

Turk:
If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.

Carla:
That's sweet-while your mother lays there dying!

Turk:
[to J.D.] Tell her.

J.D.:
His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.

Turk:
It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.

J.D.:
Mmm... and I would love her too!

Carla:
New low.

Dr. Cox:
As Residency Director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room, we have enough brainpower to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.

Doug:
[taking notes, whispering to J.D.] Stringent what?

J.D.:
[whispering to Doug] Stringent updoc. [to Turk] It's happening.

[Doug raises his hand]

Dr. Cox:
Yes, nervous guy?

Doug:
What's "up Doc"?

Carla:
[to J.D., who is flaunting his new hair wax] Your hair smells like Elliot's.

J.D.:
Well, your breath smells like chimichangas! [storms off]

Carla:
[to Elliot] Was that racist?

Elliot:
Well, it depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?

Carla:
...Maybe.

Kevin Casey:
[to Ted] Hey Hair Club, that suit does it come with the flop sweat?

Janitor:
Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside, for a moment, the fact that I'm going to make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof- [the Todd walks in] There is not a toilet on the roof!

The Todd:
But you just said there was!

Janitor:
No-yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... ah, that means God is watching us. You've heard this... There's a "Toilet" on the "Roof". Right, people?

[Group agreement]

Dr. Kevin Casey:
Damn roof toilet's got my number.

Elliot:
Can't lick it, huh?

Dr. Kevin Casey:
Lord, no! I can't even sit on it!

Dr. Kevin Casey:
If there is something you know you can do, whether it's intubating a patient, or copping a squat on the roof, and your mind keeps throwing up road blocks, just know you can drive right through them..."

Ted:
Sir, I think I know how my problem concerns a loved one.

Kelso:
Go on.

Ted:
It concerns me...?

Kelso:
Swing and a miss.

Dr. Cox:
Shower Shorts?

J.D:
For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.

Dr. Cox:
Listen, Abby, I didn't write to you for advice, so if you continue down this road you are going to be eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind! Signed, Dealing With It On His Own, from Kansas.

J.D.:
I once wrote to Abby because I didn't have any hair like the rest of the boys. By the time an answer came back it was like a forest down there! But, you know, nothing ventured.

Dr. Cox:
I'm looking for streamers and a marching band because this will be the ceremonial one millionth time I've had to shake off something you've said.

Dr. Cox:
Listen to me, never stick any part of your hairless body in my life again. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it, because even if you went on a cruise to the furthest parts of the ocean and rescued my salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death, I would still be disappointed that the first face I saw was yours.

J.D.:
Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!

Elliot:
I can't find that girl's little pink doggie anywhere.

Todd:
I got a pink doggie for you, but it's not little!

Elliot:
If you show me your penis, I'm going to take it away from you.

Dr. Kelso:
Do you think I got to be chief of medicine by being late?

Dr. Cox:
No. You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.

Dr. Kelso:
Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.

J.D.:
Here's the deal, Eleanor, We're gonna go ahead and get a full work-up on this guy. So, while I drop an NG tube and do a gastric lavage, why don't you go ahead and get an order on EKG with cardio biomarkers. If you need to know where those are, they're on page 37 of the Ann Taylor catalog -- right next to that salmon cable-knit sweater you've wanted for so long but haven't had the courage to order...'cause you're worried the weave's so thin, your nipples might just go ahead and peek their little pink selves through. Isn't that right, Dr. Cox.

Dr. Cox:
Oh I'm sorry here I was in my own lil world talking to myself and dreaming about candy bracelets

J.D.:
I don't like candy bracelets. (to himself)I love them!

Elliot:
Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?

Nurse Roberts:
He was here like 8 years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went A.M.A.

Elliot:
So he just took the drugs and bolted?

Nurse Roberts:
No... he took some towels too.

Elliot:
Mr. Thompson, I was just taking a look at your old charts...

Dr. Kelso:
Yes. He was just telling me that the last time he was here, the doctor couldn't diagnose him and just threw a bunch of painkillers at him instead.

Elliot:
He did?

Mr. Thompson:
I was so frustrated that I took off. But I have to say, with Dr. Reid here I know we'll finally get to the bottom of this. She is one terrific doctor.

Dr. Kelso:
So this pain you're having is making you delusional?

J.D.:
Laverne, what would you give me if I got this jellybean in your cleavage?

Laverne:
A concussion.

Carla:
Christopher!

Turk:
Christopher? You only call me that when you're mad at me... or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?

Carla:
...Sometimes.

Danni:
Do you even enjoy spending time with me?

J.D.:
"Enjoy" is such a strong word. I... I'm used to it! Y'know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.

J.D.:
[narration] There comes a time when every man needs to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or whether it's a personal choice. In the end, it's about integrity, and it's about chasing after what you really want, even if that means showing you both care a little. And sometimes... well, sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make.

Dr. Cox:
Bob, I cannot believe you're going to turn this hospital into a money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures they don't even need.

Dr. Kelso:
Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.

[Turk and Carla are at a cake store, in search of one for their wedding.]

Turk:
What's up with the white people on top?

Carla:
Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.

Baker:
I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.

Turk:
Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.

Carla:
Turk!

Turk:
What? [To baker] While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!

Baker:
Forget it.

[The baker walks off to the back of his shop.]

Turk:
Where're you going?! To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!

[Jack starts crying during a fight between Dr. Cox and Jordan]

Jordan:
Great, we made him cry. If we keep this up, we are gonna scar him for life!

Dr. Cox:
I don't necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!

Turk:
Carla, when I look in your eyes I see the future. I see kids. I see minivans. You name it, I see it. The weird thing is, as long as I see your smile, none of that stuff scares me.

[The camera zooms out to show Turk standing in a jacket, shirt and underwear]

Turk:
Stop saying Baby

[Carla's brother comes in]

Carla's brother:
You're not even dressed yet. We gotta pick Carla up on the way man.

Turk:
Look tell her I couldn't come up with anything so the weddings off.

Carla's Brother:
Give me that.

[he takes the notepad off Turk]

Turk:
What are you gonna do?

Carla's Brother:
I'm gonna write your vows for you

Janitor:
That was a mistake

Dr Cox:
Why's that. You're afraid you can't take me?

Janitor:
No it's because of this. Boys

[The other Janitors appear and two lift dr Cox off the air]

Janitor:
You know where to take him.

Dr cox:
Take me? Who's taking me where? Maintenance? Maintenance? Oh I know your names now. The maintenance brothers.

J.D:
(narrating: it came clear that i needed to discuss my problem with someone.

[he opens a door and a man with a bare chest answers the door]

Larry:
Yeah?

J.D:
O.K not him.

Carla:
You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?

Dr Cox:
I can't stop

[J.D opens a door in a morgue and sees Dr Cox

J.D:
What the?

[He takes the tape off Perry's mouth}

Dr Cox:
Sheila

J.D:
[startled] Argh

[He put the tape back on Perry's mouth]

Dr. Cox:
[muffled] Let me out or I'll kill you.

J.D:
I casn only assume you're saying "Let me out or I'm going to kill you." Not gonna happen. Listen I'm in a rare position of power here okay so I'll only let you out if you're my mentor.

[Perry screams are muffled through the tape]

J.D:
I know. I know it makes you like that but...

[Perry rips the tape off his wrists]

J.D:
[thinking] Uh Oh.

[Perry grabs J.D's neck]

J.D:
O.K O.K I'm happy the other way whatever you want.

[Dr Cox brings JD. down on the table]

J.D:
Argh

[Carla's wedding has gone disasterously wrong]

Carla:
Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairytale idea about the perfect wedding. And, oh yeah, I always ended up married.

Dr. Cox:
Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.

Jordan:
Per, is making out with a stranger cheating?

Dr. Cox:
Technically, not if it's under 10 seconds, dear.

Jordan:
Eh, not worth it!

Dr. Kelso:
[Drunk] Dr. Turkleton!

Turk:
Actually sir, it's just Turk.

Dr. Kelso:
That's your first name.

Turk:
You think my name is Turk Turkleton?

Dr. Kelso:
[Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get another Scotch?