The Golden Girls, Season 6

Rose:
What is taking so long? It's been hours.

Sophia:
It took me three and a half days to have Dorothy. [pause] I finally coaxed her out with a pork chop.

Dorothy:
You know, Ma, you're really making me feel very bad. You keep telling me how hard it was to have me and how long it took.

Sophia:
Did I mention the colic?

Dorothy:
Ma, you're hurting my feelings.

Sophia:
Not as much as you hurt my oonie.

Dorothy:
[looks around in embarrassment] MA!

Dorothy:
Oh, it doesn't matter what your parents want, Rose, you're never going to make them happy. They're just gonna nag you and nag you until you want to grab their throats and choke 'em, but you don't because you're in a hospital with resuscitating equipment!!!

Sophia:
[looking unamused, though knowing that she was targeted] In other words, Rose, hang up the skates.

Rose:
Oh Sophia, Big-Foot... thank you! I mean, you're terrific! You made me realize you don't have to please your parents. I don't know how I can thank you. No more ice-skating! And I'm not gonna go over Niagara Falls in a barrel!

Dorothy:
No, Rose, that you should do.

Rebecca:
[screaming from labor pains] Oh... ohh... ohhh... YIKES!

Sophia:
[knocks on wall behind her head] Blanche, cut it out. I'm trying to get some sleep.

Rebecca:
I'm going to have my baby in a natural birthing center with no painkillers.

Blanche:
Becky, honey, I told you where babies come from, did I ever mention where they come out?

Dorothy:
Becky, wouldn't you rather have your baby in a place with less stereo and more...

(woman in labor down the hall screams)

Dorothy:
Morphine?

Rebecca:
Why is she screaming?

Sophia:
She's conscious.

Rebecca:
(enter the bedroom and waking Dorothy) Dorothy, I was just wondering what being in labor feels like.

Dorothy:
Well, how do you feel?

Rebecca:
(serious) If I had any military secrets, I'd talk.

Dorothy:
Showtime!

Rose:
[Comes into the room while Rebecca is in labor] Am I crazy or did I hear screaming?

Dorothy:
Yes and yes! It's Becky, she's having the baby.

Rose:
I'll put on some corn.

Dorothy:
Call the county hospital, tell them we'll be there in about 20 minutes.

Rebecca:
And call the coach, the number's on the phone.

Rose:
Fine, is there anything you want me to do?

Dorothy:
Call the hospital, call the coach.

Blanche:
[Comes in] What's going on?

Rose:
Something about a baby.

Rose:
I've found my father! My natural father!

Blanche:
He's alive?

Dorothy:
He's in Miami?

Sophia:
He's an earthling?

Blanche:
Dorothy, wait up you just walk so fast.

Dorothy:
I'm in a hurry!

Blanche:
It's not sexy. [Dorothy looks at her] It's not. A woman should take tiny delicate steps as if to say "Yes, I may be slower than you, but maybe I'm worth waiting for."

Dorothy:
Blanche, my mother is missing, it's the middle of the night, you have to excuse me if I don't have the rolling gait of a nymphomaniac.

Blanche:
Hi, Rose, how's it goin'?

Rose:
[holding up a sock puppet and speaking in a high-pitched voice] Hi, Blanche!

Blanche:
God, I hate mornin' people.

Rose:
Ever since I started working as a candy striper I've been giving all my patients the Traditional St. Olaf Fun Pack. Each one has a pack of gum, a bar of soap, and sock puppets. I like to pretend one of them's you and one of them's Dorothy. [mimicking Blanche in a high-pitched Southern accent] "Hi, Dorothy, how do you feel?"

[The real Dorothy comes up behind Rose and smiles as she observes Rose's "show."]

Rose:
[mimicking Dorothy in a deep voice] "Oh, woe is me, I can't get a date. Nobody asks me out. Woe is me, woe..."

[The smile on Dorothy's face quickly fades, and she smacks Rose on the top of the head with the newspaper she is holding.]

Rose:
[swatting puppet] BAD puppet!

Blanche:
[about Sophia] Have you found her?

Dorothy:
Yes Blanche, about a half hour ago, but now I've hidden her again so you can find her.

Rose:
[checking in Sophia] Name?

Sophia:
Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People! [Rose writes this down on her clipboard]

Dorothy:
Rose, I don't think you are up to this.

Rose:
Now, where were we?

Dorothy:
Name.

Rose:
Rose Nylund.

Sophia:
[to hospital worker, thinking she's in heaven] Who are you? Are you an angel?

Worker:
I'm the guy that shaves everybody.

Sophia:
Amazing, that's not even mentioned in the Bible!

Dorothy:
Rose, maybe you could help. We're searching the whole hospital. We can't find my mother.

Rose:
Maybe she's lost!

Dorothy:
Oh, I can't believe, you know, the last words I said to her were "Shut up, Zulu"!

Blanche:
What are you doing on this elevator?

Sophia:
I'm into easy listening, how the hell should I know?

Blanche:
You have a museum [in St. Olaf] where children go to learn about cheese?

Rose:
Hey, it's better than them learning about it in the streets!

Rose:
The plan was, we'd drop these highly trained attack cows behind enemy lines. Problem is, it wasn't until they were airborne that we realized, cows can't pull a ripcord!

Dorothy:
Stan, I am not driving around with license plates that say POT HEAD.

Stan:
That's just an abbreviation. I didn't have room for the whole 'potato head.'

Rose:
[about Stan's latest invention] What's a "Zborny"?

Dorothy:
I put up with it for thirty-eight years, Rose. Trust me, you don't want to know.

Stan:
[on TV] Now, you can finally open your baked potato without burning your hands!

Rose:
[watching wide-eyed] No, it can't be done!

Stan:
[on TV] Yes, it can be done!

Dorothy:
Now, look, we can't go on living like this with Blanche and Rose not speaking to each other. So, whatever the results of the secret ballot, we go with it. No more arguments. Agreed?

Blanche:
All right, yes, yes.

Dorothy:
Okay, here we go. [reads votes] "Split the money." "Let Blanche keep it." "Give it to the old lady."

Sophia:
Yes!

Dorothy:
"Split the money." Well, Blanche, looks like the splits have it.

Blanche:
Big Daddy was right. Women should not be allowed to vote.

Sophia:
If it's any consolation, Blanche, when I wrote "Give it to the old lady," I did mean you.

Dorothy:
[about how Stan's changed] This is not the same man who screamed "Paint my toenails, we've invaded Korea!"

Rose:
Stop being so vain. You can't stay forty two forever.

Blanche:
Yes you can. If you eat right, exercise, and live with women who look A LOT OLDER THAN YOU.

Dorothy:
Tell me something Rose, is "Kill the Bitch" a traditional St. Olaf party game?

Sophia:
[before going in to a Meals-on-Wheels customer] This is Mrs. Taylor. You'll get along with her just fine. Two things. One, compliment her cat, and two, Jews control the planet.

Dorothy:
Got it.

Sophia:
[steps in] Oh hi, Fluffy, looking good!

Jimmy:
Well, I'm hungry. And I'm on the list. And who do you think you are?

Dorothy:
Sergeant Zbornak, food police. Now look, I don't want any trouble, now just hand over that turkey loaf.

Jimmy:
No, you can't, I need this food, except for the carrot raisin salad. I never understood carrot raisin salad.

Dorothy:
[to Jimmy] Wait a minute. You're not old. You're not ill. You're no slave to fashion.

Dorothy:
...and I think I'm really making progress with Jimmy, although I think I could make more if Ma would stop yelling 'boo'.

Blanche:
You know, Sophia, this birthday thing kinda has me depressed as well. You think you could help me, too?

Sophia:
Sure. No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words: You're old, you sag, get over it.

Blanche:
Sophia!

Sophia:
So what if you knew Jesus personally? Wake up and smell the coffee, you fossil.

Blanche:
My mistake. I thought since you looked like Yoda you were also wise.

Rose:
[beginning a St. Olaf story] We had a gigantic black hole back in St. Olaf.

Sophia:
Oh God!

Rose:
On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse where Charlie and I got our marriage license and our permit to have kids. Oh my, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around it and look in.

Dorothy:
and they say Hollywood is the Entertainment Capital of the World.

Rose:
Well we didn't just look, sometimes we'd point too, or spit and time it.

Dorothy:
wimpering. She buries her head in her palm.

Rose:
Then there was always that wise guy who'd have a few drinks and unzip himself.

Dorothy:
It's official. I hate her.

Sophia:
Oh, Pussycat, just the person I'm looking for. I have a question for you, strictly hypothetical. Let's say a man wants to take you on a date.

Dorothy:
Why is that hypothetical?

Sophia:
Check your calendar, Pussycat.

Mrs. Continni:
Oh, wait a minute, you forgot to answer the questions on the back and I still need a picture.

Sophia:
Can you settle for a thousand words?

Mrs. Continni:
No.

Blanche:
[after telling the story of how her nanny left her] We Southerners don't forget things like that.

Dorothy:
It's true. Possum is brain food.

Jack:
Will I see you again?

Dorothy:
Probably not. I will be at the Florida State Women's Prison.

Jack:
The one in Jacksonville? They used to come to our dances. Why are you going there?

Dorothy:
Murder!

Jack:
Ooh...you're gonna meet some great gals.

Blanche:
[hearing Dorothy's comment to Sophia] Oh, Dorothy, dear sweet delusional Dorothy.

Dorothy:
Blanche, if you don't mind, I'm having a heart to heart with my mother. [turns to Sophia] Now, listen up, you withered old Sicilian monkey!

Rose:
[telling a story about St. Olaf's moodiest plastic surgeon] Dr. Olfnooner did some work on my mom, and do you who she came out looking like? Raymond Massey!'

Rose:
I wish men would have breasts, just for one day. Then they'd know what it's like to be judged by some physical trait. I mean, just because I'm built like this, you wouldn't believe how many people think I'm dumb!

Sophia:
Rose, you're too hard on yourself. I know people who think you're dumb over the phone.

Father O'Meara:
[meeting Blanche] Blanche Devereaux! I've heard quite a bit about you!

Blanche:
All good, I hope.

Father O'Meara:
I'm sorry, I can't reveal things learned in Confession. But it's nice to match a name up with a face.

Dorothy:
Oh, Blanche, you did a pretty good job focusing this for Rose, and for me. I have to admit, you would have made a very good psychologist.

Sophia:
Great idea, pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour.

Dorothy:
Oh, a student pays attention, works hard, gets good grades. Does that make him a geek?

Kevin:
Uh, no, that makes him a dork. Geek is more like, y'know, somebody with no friends, stays home every Saturday night, nose always buried in a book.

Dorothy:
[to Sophia, who is opening her mouth to speak] One word out of you and I cut off your supply of Metamucil.

Dorothy:
[signing Kevin's cast] We'll just change this to Miss Zbornack eats shit-ake mushrooms.

Blanche:
A woman has the option to say no. Honey, you weren't given that option. You were given nitrous oxide.

Sophia:
Blanche, when have you ever said "no?"

Blanche:
Did I say there was gonna be a question and answer period after I spoke?

Sophia:
[about Stan] It means that ever since he made a fortune on that baked potato opener, he's been coming onto you like Gang Busters and I don't like it. Not that I've ever actually seen Gang Busters. But I did see Ghostbusters , I didn't like that either. I mean, they couldn't give the black guy one funny line? And how about that sequel!

Blanche:
I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe you have ever read a scientific journal.

Rose:
[getting up to leave the kitchen] Believe what you want. See if I care. [muttering while going and opening the door] Hypersexual bitch. [Dorothy looks taken by surprise and Blanche awkwardly swallows her drink. Both look in the door's direction.]

Dorothy:
Blanche, I need to talk to you privately.

Blanche:
Okay.

Dorothy:
There's this person, someone I've known for quite a while, and lately there seems to be this attraction developing. An attraction I've been trying to deny-- Blanche, what are you doing?

[Blanche immediately gets up out her chair and backs away in horror]

Blanche:
It's a curse. My beauty's always been a curse. I'm sorry, Dorothy, but like the fatal blossom of the graceful jimson weed, I entice with my fragrance but can provide no succor.

Dorothy:
I'm talking about Stanley, you idiot!

Blanche:
Get outta here! Stan has the hots for me?

Dorothy:
For me, not you, fatal blossom, for me.

Dorothy:
Ma, you actually went to a convent? Why didn't I know that?

Sophia:
Because you're divorced. Technically, in the eyes of the Church, you don't even exist! I spit on you! Unless Sister would like to spit on you first.

Dorothy:
I'm her daughter Dorothy. You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.

Dorothy:
Can you believe what we just heard.

Blanche:
I can't believe anybody would want to be a nun. I mean, "NUN", the word says it.

Mother Superior:
Well Dorothy I bet you love your mother very much.

Dorothy:
Well that all depends, what has she done?

Mother Superior:
I think life here is too structured for her.

Dorothy:
I don't follow.

Mother Superior:
Your mother is an old stubborn pack mule of a woman who won't follow the rules!

Dorothy:
Now I'm with you.

Blanche:
[turns around, seductive] Hello... Oh my God, no! [runs around the table and hides behind Dorothy]

Rose:
All right, so he's not a 10!

George:
Blanche, honey, please!

Blanche:
Oh my God, what in hell? Why do you look like that? I don't believe this!

Dorothy:
Blanche! Blanche! Who is this?

Blanche:
If I didn't know better, I would say my dead husband George! [runs out of the restaurant]

Dorothy:
George, we've heard so much about you! [extends hand]

Sonny Bono:
[after hearing Blanche's problem] Excuse me, I had some experience with marital discord myself.

Blanche:
Sonny Bono, get off my lanai!

Sonny Bono:
How many gold records do you have?

Lyle Waggoner:
None. I was never married.

Rose:
[about Blanche's chance to see her living husband] Tell him you love him. Tell you hate him, I don't care! Just see him before he leaves. Do it for yourself. Do it for all of us who wish we had the chance.

Blanche:
Y'know, usually I feel so empty when I realize George isn't here, but this time it's different.

Dorothy:
How?

Blanche:
Well, I don't know. The dream was diff- oh, wait. [smiles] I got to hug him. [gasps] You know how I always wake up before I get to hug George? This time I didn't.

Rose:
Oh Blanche, that's wonderful!

Blanche:
It was wonderful, Rose.

Blanche:
Goodnight, George.

Sophia:
I...I love you. [waits for response; Tony doesn't respond] I said...I love you.

Tony:
Thank you.

Sophia:
And you?

Tony:
I care for you.

Sophia:
You care for me?

Tony:
Yes, very much. I probably should've said that sooner. Oh well, let's get some sleep. [turns off light, Sophia hits him until he turns it back on]

Tony:
What?

Sophia:
You care for me? You care for a cat or a dog, or a goat. But I tell you I love you and you tell me you care for me? [gets out of bed]

Tony:
Now, Sophia, I--I care for you very much.

Sophia:
I'm going home, don't bother driving me.

Tony:
Now Sophia, can't we talk?

Sophia:
Don't even say my name. I reached out for you. If you didn't love me, how the hell could you make love to me?! I never want to see or hear from you again! [storms out of Tony's apartment]

[Rose is excitedly telling the girls about an episode of "The New Lassie"]

Dorothy:
Rose, did I mention I cry every Thursday? [looks at watch] At 8:05. [voice breaking] Excuse me! [she leaves the kitchen]

Rose:
I just got a special delivery letter from St. Olaf! Uh-oh, it's from the Department of Water and Coffee.

Dorothy:
Coffee?

Rose:
No thanks, it makes me jumpy.

Dorothy:
Rose, what does the letter say?

Rose:
You read it, Dorothy. I need both hands to cover my ears in case it's bad news.

Dorothy:
[reading] "Dear St. Olafian, I am afraid there's bad news."

Rose:
[fingers in her ears] What?

Dorothy:
[reading] "There's a drought in St. Olaf which threatens the crops."

Rose:
Oh, no! I'd better send water.

Dorothy:
[reading] "Please do not send water. We have found that envelopes leak. Until the rains come, we ask that all citizens be celibate, except for Ulf the Umbrella King; he has suffered enough."

Tony:
[in bed with Sophia] Where does a sweet Sicilian girl like you learn how to do those things?

Sophia:
I live with a slut.

Tony:
Thank her for me.

Sophia:
[on Tony] Last night I dreamed I was Joan of Arc and he was coming at me with a hose!

Dorothy:
Ma, maybe it was just a religious experience dream.

Blanche:
Did he put out the fire?

Sophia:
Three times.

Blanche:
Wow, the seldom-achieved Joan of Arc Fantasy Triple! Sophia, I hate you.

Blanche:
All right girls, I want to present Blanche Devereaux's latest creation... I took an 84-year-old woman and made her look like a 65 year old drag queen! Then I said to myself, "Blanche, too much rouge."

Sophia:
What if I got gorgeous for nothing? What if Tony doesn't even notice me?

Blanche:
Well, that's his hard luck. There are other fish in the sea.

Sophia:
Yeah, and all the ones my age are floating on the top!

Dorothy:
Now Ma, remember, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Sophia:
I think I crossed that line when I had a date.

Miles:
I hope you're ready for a swell time Rose.

Rose:
[Who has to stay celibate until water comes in St Olaf ] Sure just give me a minute. [Goes to Blanche] What if he wants to go back to his place?

Blanche:
Tell him you have a lot of work to do at home.

Rose:
I don't wanna lie.

Blanche:
When you get home I'll make you clean out the garage.

Rose:
Thanks Blanche, I owe you one.

Blanche:
[deceitfully posing Sophia as her grandmother] Having a chaperon is an old Southern tradition. Grammy brought me up since I was a child. She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves and make my own clothes.

Sophia:
We was po'.

Ted:
Blanche, you didn't strike me as the type who needed a chaperon.

Blanche:
Well as I said, it's a tradition. We Southern families stick together.

Sophia:
We sho' do.

Blanche:
All right, WHO or WHAT ate the heel off of one of my new red pumps?!

Rose:
[attempting to take the blame for Bingo] I did.

Sophia:
[posing as Blanche's grandmother] Well, mercy me! Looks like my little magnolia just turned into a big ho.

Blanche:
Now, let me get this right - dinner at your place tonight. What kind of girl do you think I am, and how could you tell so fast?

Sophia:
[on Rose and Bingo] Oh, great. We've gotta live with a sad-eyed, hyperactive nuisance with the intelligence of a squeaky toy. And now she's got a dog!

Blanche:
[to Dorothy] I need a chaperon. Now do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

Dorothy:
What favors?

Blanche:
[to Sophia] I need a chaperon. Now do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

Sophia:
I don't owe you any favors!

Blanche:
Oh, really? "But officer, the little old lady was with me; she couldn't possibly have put that banana in your tailpipe!"

Sophia:
It'd be an honor to serve.

Dorothy:
Rose, we have to talk. Now look, the food dish is overturned, there is a hole in the newspaper, the potted palm out in the hallway has been dug up. I cannot live like this!

Sophia:
Dorothy, please, please don't send me away, I'll try harder!

Dorothy:
I'm talking about the dog.

Sophia:
Oh. In that case, I also saw him slip two twenties out of your purse.

Rose:
Maybe you don't know the fun you can have with a pet. Have you ever actually had one?

Dorothy:
Well, of course I had a pet. Remember, Ma, I was six years old and I wanted a pony?

Sophia:
Not the pony thing again!

Dorothy:
She promised me a pony. She swore I'd get a pony. She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus, you know, the kind that you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.

Rose:
And that was your pet???

Sophia:
They're very clean!

Dorothy:
Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one. Which I believe, because, why would a mother lie? So every day I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life, and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird. So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.

Rose:
How does a paper bird die?

Dorothy:
Good question! Someone used it to restart the pilot light.

Guest Star:
Brenda Vaccaro as Angela Petrillo (Phil's widow)

Sophia:
[seeing Blanche in her red funeral dress] What's with Satan's Secretary?

Blanche:
Sophia, I believe Phil would have liked this dress.

Sophia:
Liked it? He would've looked great in it. Dorothy, I never understood why your brother liked to wear women's clothes, unless he was queer.

Blanche:
Sophia, people don't say "queer" anymore, they say "gay."

Sophia:
They say "gay" if a guy can sing the entire score of Gigi. But a six-foot-three, 200-pound married man with kids who likes to dress up like Dorothy Lamour, I think you have to go with "queer."

[The girls are seeing Phil at his wake; Phil is wearing a teddy]

Rose:
It's a beautiful teddy. I think all men should be buried in teddies.

Dorothy:
[seeing her brother at his wake] We just have to remember, it's not the clothes that make the man; it's the man who makes the clothes...oh God, he looks like he died in a Benny Hill sketch!

Dorothy:
[delivering her eulogy for Phil] Seems like I'm always mad at my brother Phil. I was mad the day my parents brought him back from the hospital. I thought he'd take their love away from me, and instead their love expanded and we felt more like a family. I was mad at him when I was 10 and he was 4, and we moved to a new neighborhood. I was made because he always made new friends more easily than I did. And I'm mad today, because [voice breaks slightly] I never wanted to give the eulogy at my kid brother's funeral. I'm mad because he died, he didn't have the wisdom to know that family members shouldn't allow themselves to grow apart, because when this day comes, they can no longer tell each other how much they care. If he'd had that wisdom, he could've shared it with me and I would've known the hundreds of memories I have of just the two of us, eating ice cream on the stoop of our building, or going through the drawers at Grandma's house, or dressing up like the Bronte sisters. How those memories fill me with joy! Why didn't you have that wisdom, Phil? [voice breaking] Why didn't you give us a chance to tell you how much we loved you? [walks somberly back to her seat, where she is comforted by Rose]

Angela:
Fine! You think your family was wronged? Let me make it right. [hands Sophia check] Here! Here's a check, we're even! Now are you happy?

Sophia:
Can I see your driver's license and a major credit card, please?

[Angela snatches the check out of Sophia's hand and storms out of the room. Dorothy slams the photo album she and Angela had been looking at down on the coffee table and glares at Sophia.]

Sophia:
It was an out-of-state check!

Rose:
You know what I think?

Blanche:
That reindeer really know how to fly?

Rose:
Okay...Now I know no one wants to hear one of my stories right now...

Dorothy:
That's usually a pretty safe bet, Rose.

Rose:
...but you need to know about my cousin Ingmar. Ingmar was different. He used to do bird imitations.

Blanche:
Well, what's wrong with that?

Rose:
Well, let's just say you didn't want to park your car under their oak tree.

Sophia:
[breaking down in tears] I did love him. He was my son, my little boy. But every time I saw him, I always wondered what I did, what I said, when was the day that I did whatever I did to make him the way he was.

Angela:
What he was, Sophia, was a good man.

Sophia:
[sobbing] My baby is gone.

Angela:
Oh, Sophia... [she and Sophia embrace as the episode ends]

Sophia:
[about Rex] Boy, he makes Wallace Beery look like Adolphe Menjou.

Dorothy:
Has been a long time since I've taken you to the movies, hasn't it?

Dr. Kelly:
[from the radio] I'm Dr. Kelly, and today we're going to be talking about "Mothers and Daughters: The Dark Side," and we're ready for our first call.

Sophia:
[dials the radio station] Hello.

Dr. Kelly:
Hi, you're on the air with Dr. Kelly. I need your first name only.

Sophia:
My name is...Cher.

Dr. Kelly:
And your problem, Cher?

Sophia:
I have a 55-year-old daughter named Dorothy, Dorothy Zbornak. She's got problems.

Dr. Kelly:
First names only, please.

Sophia:
I told you, it's Cher!

Dr. Kelly:
Zbornak, you said Dorothy Zbornak.

Sophia:
Oh, sorry.

Dr. Kelly:
So what's wrong with this Dorothy Zbornak?

[Blanche comes in, humming a happy tune and carrying a load of clean laundry]

Dorothy:
Blanche, honey, are you okay?

Blanche:
Never better, why?

Dorothy:
I've just never seen you do anything domestic.

Blanche:
Dorothy, I've done the laundry thousands of times! Oh, by the way, we're out of...[tries to read the bleach bottle]...blee-ock.

Dorothy:
You know what the joke going around the teacher's lounge was today, Ma? Me.

Sophia:
I know that joke.

Dorothy:
Everybody heard on the radio that some anonymous Ma was complaining that her dependent daughter Dorothy doesn't have a life of her own.

Sophia:
What, you think you're the only gray-haired spinster substitute teacher named Dorothy wasting her life away in Miami?

Rose:
I'm sorry, Sophia, but in Dorothy's defense, that sure does sound a lot like her.

Dorothy:
You'll have to excuse my mother. She survived a slight stroke which left her, if I can be frank, a complete burden.

Dorothy:
I just got the strangest prank call. Some man wanted to know if I owned a riding crop and a leather bra and if I could lick my eyebrows.

Sophia:
What'd ya say?

Dorothy:
I told him no.

Sophia:
I guess we're paying full price for the cocktail franks.

Dorothy:
I'll say this for Clayton, he has great taste. Doug is absolutely charming.

Sophia:
And funny. It's not every cop who could do a good Bette Davis impression.

Blanche:
I think I'm actually doing a good job hiding how upset I am.

Dorothy:
You mean like how you started sobbing when Clayton asked for more fruit cocktail?

Blanche:
I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

Dorothy:
You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?

Blanche:
There must be homosexuals who date women.

Sophia:
Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Rose:
[from outside the kitchen] Hot damn! [comes into the kitchen] It's happened! It's finally happened! Oh yes! Oh yes! Oh yes!

Dorothy:
I take it we now get The Disney Channel?

Clayton:
I wanted you to meet Doug for a very important reason.

Blanche:
Well, why?

Clayton:
Blanche, we're getting married.

Rose:
But that's impossible Clayton. Brothers can't marry sisters. [thinks for a moment] Oh, that's right, you're from the South.

Dorothy:
BLANCHE and Clayton aren't getting married you air head! Clayton and Doug are.

Rose:
Oh. [hesitantly] O-o-o-h. OH! ... Who??

Sophia:
[to Clayton and Doug] So, Butch, Sundance? Who's gonna throw the bouquet?

Rose:
[outraged about Agnes Bradshaw posthumously winning the Volunteer of the Year award] It's a fix! She's dead! She doesn't need that on her mantle! She's on her mantle! [Blanche and Dorothy pull Rose to sit back down at her table]

Rose:
It isn't about fancy banquets, it isn't about getting your name in the paper, it isn't about winning the award next year.

Blanche:
There now, that's the spirit. [walks out of the room]

Rose:
[getting out the award] It's about getting that dead woman's name off of this one. [she tightly clutches and hugs the award with a devious look on her face]

Clayton:
It just doesn't matter, because we're there for each other. I'd do anything for Doug. And, he'd bend over backwards for me!

Dorothy:
[grabbing Sophia, covering her mouth,pulling her body toward her, then smiling as she looks up at Blanche, Clayton and Doug] Sometimes I just love to hug my mommy!

Rose:
[reading the book of poetry Miles has left as a parting gift] And when to the heart of man, was it ever less than a treason, to bow and accept the end of a love, or of a season. [the girls console Rose]

Sophia:
[on deception] You know, I once prepared a six-course meal with what I thought was chicken. But it turned out to be a---

Dorothy:
MA!!! [to Rose] Rose, in my heart I cannot believe that Miles is a rat, he just fell in with the wrong people, that's all. Now look, I know you have a date with him tomorrow night. Keep it. I'm sure you'll find he's the same caring, sensitive person you've known all along... MY GOD, IT WASN'T MY CONFIRMATION DINNER, WAS IT?!!!!

Sophia:
Your Pop sure made everyone laugh when he made the little feet dance!

Dorothy:
Ugh...

Blanche:
Maybe you ought to take a different approach with [Sophia], Dorothy, you know, a more traditional one?

Dorothy:
Like what?

Blanche:
Uh...I don't know, like, set up a meeting, have Stan ask for your hand, you know, in an Italian sort of way.

Dorothy:
What do you want me to do, go in, bow my head, kiss her ring? Hey, you know something that just might work, you know, she thinks of herself as the Godfather, I'll just make her an offer that she can't remember.

Stan:
Eat your potato.

Dorothy:
Oh honey, I know it's a very important vegetable to you but I'm really stuffed.

Stan:
Then stick your finger in it.

Dorothy:
Stanley, you pig!

Stan:
Come on, I don't ask much.

Dorothy:
Oh all right, but we're gonna get you a hobby. [Sticks her finger in the potato] There's something hard in here... it's a... it's a... it's a scalding hot ring! [sticks her hand in the water pitcher to cool it off] Oh, Stan, it's beautiful.

Sophia:
And when there is no trust, there is no family. You marry this man, and we're no longer family. You do this, you are out of my life forever.

Dorothy:
The stripper used to be a cop and the cop always wanted to be a dancer. Now they're wearing each others' hats and it's getting really weird.

Sophia:
You give that ring back and that's my final word! [Sophia comes back] No. You'll pawn the ring. That's my final word!

Dorothy:
[to Blanche] Everybody who's come has been too young, too pretty, too thin, it's like you want to be surrounded by women who have absolutely no sex appeal.

[Rose and Dorothy connect the dots]

Rose:
You think we're dogs, don't you?

Blanche:
Now that is just too eerie.

Dorothy:
I was just wondering the other day 'why doesn't our doorbell bark?'

Rose:
Probably because we didn't have a bark bell.

Dorothy:
You really expect this to scare Myra away?

Rose:
Oh sure, look at the box, see the burglar running from the house?

Dorothy:
And he's saying "YIKES!"

Sophia:
The dogs are on my trail again, through the river, run through the river.

Dorothy:
Ma, that's an alarm Rose put up to scare people away.

Sophia:
It'll never work.

Dorothy:
You'll need two new roommates, Ma will be moving in with us.

Sophia:
No, I won't.

Dorothy:
You can't afford to stay here alone.

Sophia:
Blanche is letting me keep my room and I have an interview at McDonald's today, if I can see over the counter, I'm their new fry girl.

Sophia:
[to Stanley] If you hurt her again I'll make you miserable for the rest of my life, and if I lay off meat and dairy that could be as much as five years!

Rose:
I had an outdoor wedding. February 12th, I'll never forget...I had the most beautiful white flannel wedding dress, it even had feet sewn in.

Truby:
[to Blanche, about Rose] Crazy or stupid?

Blanche:
We think it's a mix.

Rose:
[to Sophia] Let me tell you about a lesson I learned when I was a little girl in St. Olaf. If you hold a bird gently, the bird will stay, but if you squeeze the bird, his eyes will bug out. [Sophia stares at Rose blankly; Blanche, listening off to the side, looks pained] And Mr. Pet Shop Owner gets very huffy and he won't let you touch the birds anymore. And the mice, he won't even let you...

Blanche:
[hurrying over] ROOOOOOSE... what is eight times six? [Rose begins counting with her fingers.] Okay, now that we have a few minutes... I think Rose made two very good points. One, not all psychotics are dangerous; and two, honey, you have to let go. Dorothy's capable of making her own decisions. Does any of this make any sense to you, Sophia?

Sophia:
Not completely. I still think Rose has the capacity to kill. [Walks away]

Blanche:
[Realizes Rose is still counting] Oh Rose, sorry honey, pencils down.

Rose:
I could've used a pencil?

Dorothy:
Mail call. [Hands Rose a letter] Here you go Rose.

Rose:
What if it's from Myra?

Dorothy:
I'm sure it's not.

Rose:
Well what if it is? What if it's got a big, black spider that's gonna jump out and attack me the minute I open it!

Dorothy:
[Takes the letter, throws it on the floor and starts jumping on it. Hands back the letter to Rose.] There you go.

Rose:
You're wise. You're just, wise.

Rose:
Yeah Blanche, so what? So life threw the dumb country girl a crumb for once. I mean, you're sexy and beautiful all the time. Let's face it, you have Bette Davis eyes and Freddy Krueger hands.

Blanche:
I have had it with you! I'm going into my room and may never come out. [Blanche storms off to her room]

Rose:
Is it the weekend already?

Blanche:
Oh, Rose, silly, silly, water-retaining Rose.

Sophia:
[on why she takes her job at the nursing home seriously] Have you ever seen what happens to a person when their brain is allowed to disintegrate and their minds turn completely to mush?

[Sophia and Dorothy both turn to look at Rose, who is examining her left hand]

Rose:
Hey, my middle finger's the longest!

Blanche:
Girls, what a glorious day! I just feel so pretty and alive, and young as a teenager!

Dorothy:
Oh, that's terrific, Blanche. Oh, by the way, you got a phone call this morning from your grandson - he got his driver's license!

[The smile quickly fades from Blanche's face and she walks quickly out of the kitchen.]

Mr. Porter:
[pointing at an elderly gentleman in the nursing home who has his arm around a woman] And that's Smokey. He fancies himself a ladies' man. Sort of the rooster of our little henhouse. Whatever you do, don't dance with him, he'll put the moves on anybody.

Sophia:
Smokey, I want you to meet my daughter---

Dorothy:
MA!!!!

Dorothy:
[reading the penny-saver ad, about which Rose and Blanche are very upset] "Does your face look like this? Do your hands look like this? You need Ponce de Leon Anti-Aging Cream!" [begins laughing hysterically, then notices Blanche and Rose glaring at her] I'd sue.

Blanche:
[snatching penny-saver out of Dorothy's hand] Dorothy Zbornak, how could you?! Oh, look - they have airbrushed liver spots all over us!!!

Dorothy:
Tell me about it. You guys look like you should be barking on the front seat of a fire engine! [clams up when she sees Blanche and Rose glaring at her again] I really would sue.

Blanche:
I know but now there's more at stake, everything's changed. It's all new and exciting. In many ways I feel just the way I felt when I was a virgin.

Sophia:
You mean the feeling isn't gonna last long?

Blanche:
Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?

Sophia:
I'm just saying you're lucky Jack and Jill Magazine didn't have a gossip column.

Dorothy:
Ma!

Sophia:
Please, pussycat, I'm on a roll.

Blanche:
I'm sorry, Sophia. But I'm not gonna let your skepticism ruin my entire evening. Mel and I were meant to be together.

Sophia:
I wish I could say the same for your thighs. God, I'm hot tonight.

Blanche:
I'm not gonna stand for this.

Sophia:
Take it, Dorothy!

Dorothy:
But I'll bet you'll lay down for it.

Sophia:
Well that was just plain rude!

Blanche:
Some people just don't know when to quit.

Dorothy:
[to Rose, who is sticking her head in the refrigerator, trying to see whether the glasses that she is testing fog up] Rose, leave the glasses in the refrigerator, close the door and keep your head out here with us.

Rose:
Well, how will I know if they fog up?

Dorothy:
The little man who lives in there who turns the light on and off, he'll tell you.

Rose:
I'm not in the mood for jokes, especially about the little man. You know he scares me.

Blanche:
[talking about herself and Mel] When we're together, we laugh a lot.

Sophia:
Why wouldn't you? You're both naked.

Rose:
Isn't it true that you have a drawer full of home retirement brochures, just waiting for the first sign of dribble on your mother's chin, to lock her away forever?

Dorothy:
[laughs nervously] She's kidding.

Rose:
You know, Dorothy, your sock drawer. The one you know who can't reach.

Sophia:
I knew you were keeping pictures but I had no idea, you disgust me!

Dorothy:
Look, I don't have to stand for this!

Sophia:
Nail her, Rose! Nail her! Remember, a good reporter gets the story no matter what!

Dorothy:
That sock drawer is MY business! Look, those times when Ma drives me crazy, I go in my room and have some pretend time, okay?!!

Rose:
This is Rose Nylund signing off in a sad, sad situation. ... Thanks, Dorothy, that was fun!

Blanche:
[referring to Sophia] If anyone blows the whistle on me the old lady is out on the street.

Jason:
Isn't she the most beautiful mother you have ever seen?

Sophia:
GRAND...just GRAND.

[Blanche walks in wearing a slutty medieval-esque costume]

Blanche:
Am I convincing?

Dorothy:
As what, Ye Olde Town Slut?

Sophia:
[entering kitchen] Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?

Dorothy:
That's a very personal question.

Sophia:
That long, huh? Perfect. Then you shall be the Queen of the Festival of the Dancing Virgins.

Dorothy:
Ma, what are you talking about?

Sophia:
Once a year, the women of my village threw a festival to recapture their virginity. It gives you a chance to say to the man in your life "What kind of tramp do you take me for?"

Rose:
We had a Festival of the Dancing Virgins in St. Olaf, too. Every year we'd go down to the lake and they'd be flopping around on the dock... Oh no, wait, that was the Festival of the Dancing Sturgeons.

Dorothy:
What is wrong with you, woman?

Blanche:
I don't know what I'm gonna do about Jason. He's reached a point in his life where he's anxious to settle down, he wants us to have another child right away. Well frankly, I don't know if I want another baby so soon.

Dorothy:
I understand. Wait a couple of years and... [starts to laugh] Medicare will pay for it.

Sophia:
Why wait? Have it now and the Enquirer will pay for it!

Blanche:
It's so unfair. We're both about the same age, but he can go on makin' babies the rest of his life. I feel like the Spruce Goose. People may visit, play with the controls, but I'll never really fly again.

Rebecca:
[holding Aurora] Oh, what a good girl she was this mornin', she was just smilin' and smilin' and smilin'. I know sometimes it's just gas, but she was so cute.

[Sophia tugs on Dorothy's shirt and, when Dorothy looks her way, gives her a big, toothy smile.]

Dorothy:
Ma, it's not cute anymore once you pass 80.

Blanche:
I just don't know what I'm gonna do -- [walks into living room and sees Miles dressed in Amish attire] -- boy, you find out you're a Jew with a dilemma and these rabbis come out of the woodwork.

Dorothy:
Rose...who is this?

Rose:
Oh, this? This...this is...this is a friend...his name is Samuel Plankmaker. [to Miles] Samuel, these are my roommates. [to the others] Girls, you know Miles -- Samuel ! [grimaces] Shoot! Sorry...

Miles:
I'm so sorry ladies, it's -- it's me! I was trying to play a trick on ya.

Sophia:
Silly rabbi, tricks are for kids.

Dorothy:
[indicating Sophia, who is wearing a pair of dark glasses with prescription lenses because she lost her regular glasses] Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Orbison! Ma, where did you get those glasses?

Sophia:
They're an old pair of Pop's, but at least they've got prescription lenses.

Dorothy:
I know you can't possibly see through them. Now take them off before you hurt yourself.

Sophia:
No, they're great, I see just fine... [Indicating Blanche] who's the black guy?

Dorothy:
Well, I hate telling you this, Blanche... no, that's not true, I look forward to telling you this, Blanche. The woman your great-grandfather married was born, well, outside of Georgia.

Blanche:
How far outside of Georgia?

Dorothy:
Buffalo. You're a Yankee, Blanche!

Blanche:
Oh no, this can't be!

Dorothy:
A Yankee Doodle.

Blanche:
There must be some mistake!

Dorothy:
You are that Yankee Doodle gal.

Dorothy:
Oh, did I mention her last name was Feldman?

Blanche:
Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, that can't be. I can't be Jewish!

Sophia:
I'll be damned, the black guy is prejudiced.

Rose:
Dorothy, I thought you were going to make him suffer.

Dorothy:
Oh and I will, tomorrow morning I'll tell him he's the worst lover I've ever had.

Blanche:
Time for today's sensible meal... [opens the refrigerator door] Where's my tuna quiche? [silence] You heard me, I said where's my tuna quiche? I get five ounces of solid food a day, and I want my tuna quiche!

Rose:
You mean that little pie?

Blanche:
[getting angry] Little pie... little pie????

Rose:
I wanted a snack.

Blanche:
A SNACK??!!!!

Rose:
I thought it was a little fishy.

Blanche:
[violently shaking Rose back and forth] Oh! You ate my sensible meal! You ate my sensible meal!

Dorothy:
Blanche, stop, Blanche! You're out of control!

Blanche:
[coming to her senses] Oh my God! Oh Rose honey, I'm sorry! What did I just do?

Rose:
[grabs Blanche's shoulders and shakes her] This!

Blanche:
Oh shut up! Shut up you babblin' bobble-headed, bleached blonde...

Sophia:
Baboon!

Blanche:
Baboon! [storms out of kitchen and Rose glares at Sophia]

Sophia:
She needed a B.

Dorothy:
Honey, we know dieting is hard, we've all been there. I remember the time Stan and I went on that "Weight Loss Through Sex" diet, the idea being every time you felt hungry you would substitute food with some sexual activity.

Blanche:
Did it work?

Dorothy:
I gained 18 pounds!

Rose:
[reading Dorothy's "bio" at the bachelorette auction] "If Dorothy's not off winging her way to Molokai to assist Father Damien in his work with the lepers, you can find her hang-gliding high above the Florida Keys."

Dorothy:
Rose... where did you get that?!

Rose:
From your mother. Before she and I talked, I wasn't aware of any of it. [continues reading] "She's a scratch golfer who, under President Jimmy Carter, served as the United States Senate Majority Whip. And she likes to read."

Sophia:
[to Blanche] I figured, close with the truth. It'll kind of anchor the rest.

Dorothy:
I want to thank you all for holding this event on a night when my hang-glider is in the shop, and Congress is in recess, and the lepers are on Geraldo. Go ahead Rose.

Rose:
Right Dorothy. All right, now let's start the bidding at five dollars.

Bidder:
Five dollars!

Stan:
[entering lobby] One hundred dollars.

Dorothy:
Stanley! What are you doing here?

Stan:
I'm buying a date with the woman I love.

Dorothy:
Oh geez! Not in front of people!

Bidder:
One hundred and ten!

Sophia:
[to Blanche, about the bidder, who is a man they all "bought" for Dorothy] What the hell is he doing? Didn't you give him a limit?

Stan Two hundred!

Dorothy:
Security! Have this man removed! He's a lonely male impersonator.

Bidder:
Two-ten!

Blanche:
[jumps up from table] What?! What is WRONG with you? The woman's been with lepers!

Stan:
Three hundred!

Dorothy:
Stanley stop it! I am not going out with you. I would rather be bound and gagged, and left on an anthill covered with honey.

Second Bidder:
FOUR HUNDRED!

Bidder:
Four-ten!

Dorothy:
SOLD!

Rose:
Dorothy, I say that.

Stan:
Five hundred!

Blanche:
SOLD!

Dorothy:
[pointing to Rose] SHE says that!

Blanche:
Rose, do something!

Rose:
SOLD! Sorry Dorothy, that's $500 for the Children's Hospital. I guess dreams really can come true.

Rose:
On Stan's behalf, Charlie once made a lot of money in business with a partner who was also a lousy, no-good, underhanded, backstabbing worm.

Dorothy:
Let me guess, Rose. Ivan Boeskyvanderheuvenfleuvenmeistergarbengerbenfleckman.

Rose:
That's the louse.

Blanche:
Dorothy, you can't pass up a chance to own real estate. It's been a lifesaver for me. You get a bunch of saps to pay your mortgage for you every month while your equity just rises higher and higher, while those poor suckers... [pauses and notices Dorothy, Sophia and Rose all glaring at her] ...What I meant was, it's a great opportunity to make new friends.

Angelo:
I met a beautiful young Sicilian aerobics instructor. Gorgeous eyes, angelic mouth, and a behind dat must have been made on a Saturday because even the good Lord himself would wanna take a day off to admire it! I lost my heart, and I opened my wallet, eh. All the expensive gifts and fancy dinners and weekends in Mykonos, eh. I even wore one of those-a tiny Speedo swimsuits, shows all your gingerbread and everything, eh. And she leaves me. What does a six-foot-seven-inch American basketball player got that I don't?

Blanche:
Well Angelo, speaking in terms of the gingerbread alone---

Dorothy:
BLANCHE!!!

Dorothy:
Morning ma, did you sleep well?

Sophia:
No, I have this recurring nightmare. You know, the one where I am in bed with Warren Beatty and he says, sorry, but this is too sick even for me

Frank:
Where are we gonna find an adult with a child-like naïveté to play Henny Penny?

[Rose enters through the front door]

Rose:
You're not gonna believe it! I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball!

Frank:
My God, she is Henny Penny!

Delivery Man:
Flowers for Blanche Deverucks.

Dorothy:
[taking the flowers] That's Devereaux. It's only pronounced "Deverucks" in limericks.

Blanche:
[on being reported dead] What are people gonna think?

Sophia:
They'll think it's time to elect a new town slut.

Sophia:
[narrating the play, with Rose acting out Henny Penny's actions] Once upon a time, on a beautiful spring day, Henny Penny was waking up from a nap under an oak tree, when an acorn fell from the tree and hit her on the head. [fake paper acorn hits Rose on the head] Funny, when I was a little girl in Sicily and they told this story, it was a safe that fell on her head.

Sophia:
[narrating the play] On the way, Henny Penny came upon Goosey Lucy. [Blanche comes onstage holding a mirror and rustling her feather costume] One of the most popular birds in the barnyard,-

Blanche:
The most popular!

Sophia:
And the eighth-graders are seeing a play today about how to be that popular, safely.

Blanche:
I like a fairy tale with a nice prince in it, a handsome prince with a big ol' codpiece and deep, dark eyes... powerful thighs and muscles ripplin' beneath his tunic...

Dorothy:
Blanche, you could get aroused by Humpty Dumpty!

Blanche:
Are you kiddin'? All the king's horses and all the king's men! Handsome men with deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles and big ol' codpieces...

Dorothy:
Blanche, how do you make it through an omelette?!

Sophia:
[looking at obituaries in newspaper] Whoa!

Blanche:
What is it?

Sophia:
You!

Blanche:
What about me?

Sophia:
You're dead!

Blanche:
What?

Sophia:
I told you, you're dead! You must be! It says so in the paper!

[Blanche takes the paper from Sophia]

Blanche:
[reading] "Blanche Deveraux, age 68..." [shocked] 68?!

Dorothy:
Blanche, that's terrible! They're almost as far off on your age as you are.

Sophia:
[narrating] On the way, Henny Penny and Goosey Lucy came upon Turkey Lurkey.

[Dorothy whirls around to face the audience in her costume, reading a book with a dour expression on her face.]

Sophia:
Yes, poor, lonely Turkey Lurkey. Poor dateless, hopeless, self-effacing---

Dorothy:
MA!!!

Sophia:
[narrating] And from that day to this, Henny Penny, Goosey Lucy and Turkey Lurkey were never seen a---

Rose:
STOP! [to the audience] Children, kids, it's up to you! I mean, if you want to save us and not have us eaten by Foxy Loxy, applaud! [No response.] I mean it! I mean, clap now if you want to see the goose, the chicken and the turkey live! [No response. Sophia gestures to Rose to shut up, but Rose ignores her.] Come on, put your little hands together! [No response.] Save us and you won't have bad dreams! [No response.] CLAP, you miserable little---

Dorothy:
[She and Blanche, still in costume, walk out on the stage, grab Rose by the arm and drag her off] Come on, Henny, let's get it over with.

Rose:
But what about their bad dreams?!

Blanche:
Let's go, come on.

Rose:
[to the audience] Fine, but I just want you to know, there are monsters living under all your beds!!!

Rose:
It's time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.

Blanche:
They *are* the stupidest birds.