The Office, Series 2

David:
Some of you seem to have got off on the wrong foot with me. You didn't like some of the jokes I told earlier. You've got to chill out, yeah, trust me, this is what I do, alright? You will never work in a place like this again. This is brilliant. Fact. And you will never have another boss like me. Someone who's basically a chilled out entertainer.

Tim:
Team leader don't mean anything mate.

Gareth:
Excuse me, it means I'm the leader of a team.

Tim:
No it doesn't-it's a title someone's given you to get you to do something they don't want to do, for free. Right? It's like making a div kid at school milk monitor. No one respects it.

Gareth:
I think they do.

Tim:
No they don't Gareth.

Gareth:
Er, yes they do, because if people were rude to me then I used to give them their milk last, so it was warm.

Dawn:
I always wanted to be a children's illustrator and when people said, "What do you do?" I would say, "Well, I'm an illustrator, but I do some reception work for a little bit of extra cash." So, for years, I was an illustrator who did some reception work. Then Lee thought it would be a good idea for us both to get full-time jobs and then you're knackered after work and it's hard to do illustrating. So now, when people ask me what I do, I say I'm a receptionist.

David:
Under "Strengths"... you've just put "accounts."

Keith:
Yeah.

David:
That's your job though, that's, that's just-

Keith:
-Mmm. [nods]

David:
No, Keith. What. I was sort of looking for your skills within your job. So is there anything else you could have put there?

Keith:
[shrugs]

David:
Nope. Okay. Umm... Under "Weaknesses" you've put eczema.

David:
How old would you say I was if you didn't know me?

Employee:
Forty?

David:
No, how old do you think I look?

Employee:
Thirty nine?

David:
Most people think I look about thirty, so..

Employee:
Definitely not.

David:
Oh, you calling them liars?! What do you think?

Oliver:
Well, between thirty and forty.

David:
Yes. More honest.

Tim:
Now guys, we're about to enter a warehouse environment, now I must warn you that some of the people in here will be working class, so there may be arse cleavage. So just find a partner, hold hands. Don't talk to anyone though.

David:
The reason I put "If it's in you" is, if I waste good time and money looking for it, and see it's definitely not in you, I don't wanna be sued 'cos you haven't got it, so, you know, you're not gonna get me on that.

Simon:
You know Bruce Lee's not really dead, don't you? Yeah, it's in a book. What he did was he faked his own death so that he could work undercover for the Hong Kong police, inflitrating drugs gangs and the Triads.

Gareth:
Yeah, I reckon that's true.

Tim:
Yeah, I reckon that's true. Because if you were gonna send someone undercover to investigate the Triads, you'd probably want the world's most famous Chinese film star.

David:
What's more important: you, Neil, with your report, or some starving children? Oh, I dunno. Oh, what would Lenny Henry say? I think we know. Imagine him going out of the door on Comic Relief day and Dawn French is going "Where you going, you haven't done the washing up. You haven't put the rubbish out." [middle finger] "DO IT YOURSELF, I'VE GOTTA SAVE SOME AFRICANS!".

David:
And that's not going "Ooh, look at me today, I'm entertaining whilst saving lives aren't I brilliant?", it's going "If you think I'm brilliant, then give generously and help save these guys who are starving, but are also brilliant"-not as entertainers, a lot of them can't even speak English, but you know don't give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least.

David:
I don't look upon this like it's the end, I look upon it like it's moving on you know. It's almost like my work here's done. I can't imagine Jesus going, "Oh, I've told a few people in Bethlehem I'm the son of God, can I just stay here with Mum and Dad now?" No. You gotta move on. You gotta spread the word. You gotta go to Nazareth, please. And that's, very much like... me.

David:
Life is just a series of peaks and troughs. And you don't know whether you're in a trough until you're climbing out, or on a peak until you're coming down. And that's it you know, you never know what's round the corner. But it's all good. "If you want the rainbow, you've gotta put up with the rain." Do you know which "philosopher" said that? Dolly Parton. And people say she's just a big pair of tits.