The Vampire Diaries, Season 5

Silas:
Oh. I'm outing myself as not-Stefan. Obviously. Don't be afraid. Don't move.

Sheriff:
What's happening?

Silas:
We've met before, actually, when I was appearing as your daughter. To bash your head in? Does that ring any bells?

Sheriff:
Silas.

Silas:
Indeed. I am a 2,000- year-old immortal that Caroline and her friends thought they got rid of.

Sheriff:
Are you appearing to me as Stefan?

Silas:
Well, yes and no. This is my true form. Stefan is my doppelganger.

Caroline:
What if I get a sudden craving and want to eat her?

Silas:
Why are you in my brother's bathtub?

Katherine:
Why aren't you?

Silas:
I will say that's a tempting offer.

Katherine:
Mm. He flirts. I like Elena-less Stefan.

Silas:
You know, human looks better on you than I would have guessed, Katherine.

Katherine:
I think you just accidentally gave me a compliment.

Silas:
Nope. I mean it. You sitting here all weak and vulnerable. It works.

Damon:
If I hear the word doppelganger one more time, I think I'm gonna actually have to learn how to spell it.

Caroline:
He's deferring from enrolling and deferring from returning my calls, so I'm deferring from having sex with him ever again.

Damon:
Please tell me you found her.

Jeremy:
I didn't, but Matt did.

Damon:
Huh. How shockingly useful.

Katherine:
Are these ropes really necessary?

Jeremy:
A bullet would have been more effective, but we're trying to be nice.

Katherine:
Don't play the hero. You two are just waiting for the convenient time to hand me back over to him. I've done this a thousand times. I get it. I'm the leverage. I'm that thing that everybody wants. I'm the freaking moonstone.

Damon:
You do realize that you are dating a reformed serial killer, right?

Jeremy:
You are not getting out of the car because you want an aspirin.

Katherine:
Then maybe I can get out of the car because I need to pee, like, in a bathroom. Like a lady.

Silas:
Look, I get why you like her. I mean, I have a soft spot for brunettes, too. What I don't get is why she likes you.

Damon:
That's because you haven't had sex with me.

Caroline:
Seriously? That's Jesse! I kind of liked him...

Damon:
What did Silas tell you to do?

Elena:
Get you alone, weaken you, then kill you.

Jeremy:
Get in the truck and drive.

Katherine:
Where are you going?

Jeremy:
I can't leave Matt.

Katherine:
Uh, wai-- huh? How do you think I survived 500 years? It wasn't because I was a vampire. It's because I never looked back. Don't be dumb. Survive.

Jeremy:
That's why people treat you like an object and not like a person.

Caroline:
I think we need to set some ground rules for when boyfriends come to visit.

Elena:
That's Stefan's Daylight ring.

Damon:
I snagged it from Silas yesterday. And for the record, I am secure enough in our relationship that you having psychic dreams about your ex-boyfriend does not bother me. ...But it still sucks.

Elena:
I love you. We're gonna save Stefan, and I'm still gonna live you, OK?

Damon:
You must have restless sleep syndrome or something - it's like sleeping with a tornado.

Damon:
I know I said that it didn't bother me that you have some psychic connection to your ex-boyfriend, but I don't need a play-by-play, Elena.

Elena:
You're right. It's weird. Sorry.

Damon:
(sighs) Fine. Tell me. I'm sure whatever's in my imagination is ten times worse than what's going on in your subconscious.

Elena:
It was just so vivid. I saw Stefan walking out of this bar. It had a red awning and this broken neon sign, and he was screaming in pain.

Damon:
Well, should I go check in the attic, see if there's a crystal ball? Maybe you could conjure up an address.

Katherine:
Route 29. Joe's bar. I think I had the exact same dream.

Elena:
I know it sounds crazy that I'm following some psychic dream, but it's the only lead that we have.

Damon:
It doesn't "sound" crazy, it is crazy. But I'm open-minded.

Damon:
Ok...train's leaving the station. Choo-choo.

Silas:
You ever play the "What If" game? When you're calcified for 2,000 years you learn to entertain yourself with these little brain teasers.

Stefan:
I don't want to hurt you, so get away from me, before I rip your throat out.

Qetsiyah:
Hello to you, too. I brought dinner. A vampire doppelganger who's burdened by a conscience. Now I've seen everything.

Qetsiyah:
Love bends the rules of possible. Silas and I were the two most powerful members of a gifted people called Travelers. When we were engaged to be married, we decided to reach even further.

Silas:
(flashback) I don't ever want to be parted from you, even by death.

Qetsiyah:
We wanted to find a way for our love to last forever.

Stefan:
Yeah, look. I know the story. Everything was great for Silas until some witch named Qetsiyah or whatever came by and screwed him over, right?

Qetsiyah:
Wrong. You don't know the story. Silas convinced Qetsiyah that he loved her so she would make the immortality spell, but when she found out that he was just using her, she dumped him in a tomb with a cure, hoping he would take it and die because she had created a supernatural limbo to trap his soul.

Stefan:
Like any other sane, rational, well-adjusted woman would do.

Qetsiyah:
Which catches us up to today. Now Silas wants to destroy that supernatural limbo. Once the other side is gone, he can take the cure, become mortal, and die, and finally pass on and find peace.

Stefan:
Look. If you really are Silas' one true love and you're not dead, then why don't you just do us a favor and run off into the sunset together?

Qetsiyah:
Silas was my true love. I never said I was his. I'm Qetsiyah, that sane, rational, well-adjusted woman you seem to know so much about. Clearly you've heard the man's version of the story, the one where I'm a back-stabbing lunatic who ruined everything for Silas, a raging bitch witch whose obsession with vengeance created a whole new dimension of suffering in the afterlife.

Stefan:
What are you doing here? I thought you were dead and on the other side?

Qetsiyah:
I was for 2,000 years, but I came back... For you.

Stefan:
So Silas was the first version of me and your friend was the first version of Elena?

Qetsiyah:
Amara was hardly a friend. When they drank the immortality elixir, they violated the natural law that all living things must die, so nature found a balance by creating mortal shadow selves.

Stefan:
Doppelgangers.

Qetsiyah:
Like you and Katherine and Elena, all caused by the ripple effect from Silas and Amara's sin.

Damon:
Wait, what? No. She almost killed you!

Elena:
We don't have time for a detour, Damon - Stefan's hurt. Find him.

Damon:
Wait, no! Stop. Just...wait. Any sign of trouble, you let her go - do you understand me? I don't care how bad Silas wants Katherine, she's not worth a hair on your head. You got me? Okay. Kiss me.

Qetsiyah:
Have you not been listening to me? I have trust issues. I'm controlling and paranoid and a little crazy. And that's working out just fine.

Damon:
What are you doing to my brother?

Qetsiyah:
I'm frying Silas' brain. No one said it would be pretty.

Qetsiyah:
Don't flatter yourself. It was like watching a soap opera, except boring and with no volume control.

Nadia:
You said you were hungry.

Katherine:
For food, not packaged poison.

Elena:
Tell me what Qetsiyah said back at the cabin.

Damon:
She told me that...we don't stand a chance.

Elena:
And what does she know about us?

Damon:
Well, she told me a very interesting little story about the history of Doppelgangers; how they're fated to fall in love with eachother. Basically, the universe programmed you to fall in love with Stefan, not me. Which means...we're a lost cause no matter what we do. (pauses) I'm paraphrasing.

Elena:
..."The universe"?

Damon:
Her words, not mine.

Elena:
So...she's crazy.

Damon:
Maybe. Maybe she's not...

Elena:
Look. I know I spent the last couple days focusing on trying to find Stefan, but that has nothing to do with how I feel about you, and I'm not gonna let Silas' 2,000-year-old ex-girlfriend screw things up between us.

Damon:
You think I am? I mean, no one tells me how I live my life, no one tells me who I love. Especially not some vindictive, prehistoric witch and definitely not the universe. And I'm not gonna let someone else's idea of destiny stop me from loving you, or being with you, or building a future with you, because...you are my life.

(Elena leans in to kiss Damon, Stefan wakes up)

Damon:
Welcome back, Brother.

Elena:
Stefan... We missed you.

Stefan:
Uh, I'm sorry. I--I have no idea who you people are.

Damon:
Nada?

Stefan:
I know "nada" means nothing. I know what day it is, I know what year it is, I know this car has a V-8 engine, and yet I am two journals deep, and I have absolutely no memory of who the hell I am.

Damon:
Brutal.

Stefan:
(holds up blood bag) Is this supposed to fill me up?

Damon:
Well, yes and no. Technically yes, because you're a vampire.

Stefan:
Weird.

Damon:
Realistically no, because you're, you know, you.

Stefan:
Ahh, yes. The insatiable and blood-lusting vampire ripper of Monterrey.

Damon:
And we're only in the 1920s, baby.

Stefan:
Well, sorry, but this is a lot to process. (starts to toss the empty blood bag out the window)

Damon:
(grabs it from him) You're a vampire - not a cave man.

Stefan:
So let me get this straight. I helped you steal this car, I found out I was a vampire who killed his own father, and yet I don't litter?

Damon:
You're a man of principle, Stefan, who had his memories erased by a 2,000-year-old witch.

Stefan:
Yeah, well I bet that 2,000-year-old witch probably drives a little faster than you.

Stefan:
Let me guess - (points to himself) "fun brother", (points to Damon) "safe brother."

Damon:
(hits the gas)

Stefan:
What are you doing?

Damon:
Do you trust me?

Stefan:
Do I really have a choice?

Damon:
Nope. (sends car into a tailspin; crashes it)

Stefan:
Oh... (chuckles) Okay. I got it. You're the fun brother.

Elena:
OK, Dr. Forbes. Since when do you know so much about amnesia?

Caroline:
It's possible I studied up on my chem, biochem, applied microbio, molecular bio, and "Gray's Anatomy" - the real one and the television show.

Stefan:
This town always so upbeat about dead people?

Damon:
Well, in the theme of morbid town tradition, you go back to the 1820s when everyone was so paranoid about the cholera thing that they would occasionally bury a body a wee bit before its time.

Stefan:
So we have a holiday dedicated to burying people alive?

Damon:
Well, they were so paranoid that they would actually request to be buried with a string attached to a bell above the ground, and then the whole family would hang around the grave for 24 hours in hopes of hearing the bell and that their loved one would come back, but now it's just really-- it's a really kick-ass excuse to get hammered.

Damon:
Well unfortunately, Stefan, there are two types of vampires in the world, OK? There are those who can handle moderation, and then there's you.

Stefan:
What kind of name is Honoria Fell?

Damon:
Shh. You're kind of the one that killed her.

Stefan:
Oh.

Stefan:
Well, I, uh, I certainly hope your family history was happier than mine.

Elena:
Well, let's see. In the last three years, I lost my adoptive parents, my birth parents, my aunt, our guardian Alaric, and my brother Jeremy died, although he came back to life, so there's that.

Stefan:
Wait. Jeremy that lives in our house?

Elena:
Yeah. After I had a breakdown and burned my house to the ground.

Stefan:
Hmm.

Elena:
What?

Stefan:
How do I not remember you? I mean, you're smart, you're pretty, you're funny. Obviously, you're the strongest woman in the world if you managed to figure out a way to get through all that.

Elena:
I surround myself with amazing people who help me through it. Like you. You're one of those people.

Stefan:
So bonded by death? Please don't tell me that we meet in a cemetery. (Elena grins) Really? We met in a cemetery?

Elena:
Well, no. Officially, we met somewhere else first, but... Um, you want to see?

Stefan:
Yeah, sure.

Jesse:
Togavirus. Go.

Caroline:
Togavirus causes congenital rubella, whatever that is.

Jesse:
OK, hot shot. Red Queen theory.

Caroline:
A theory often used to explain a contradictory relationship between predator and prey.

Jesse:
And why does the supposedly weaker species always stay one step ahead?

Caroline:
Fear of extinction. The rabbit is faster than the fox because the fox is chasing its dinner. The rabbit's running for its life.

Stefan:
I'm good right? I'm compassionate. I live with this burning hunger inside of me that allows me to stay in control... But what do I have to show for it? Huh?

Jesse:
I don't know you man!

Stefan:
I have no memories because my brain was fried, my brother, who's been my brother for 160 some odd years, stole my girlfriend....and my girlfriend let him. So, you tell me... what's the point of being good?

Elena (voice over):
Dear Diary, do you ever get sick of me writing about death?

(Elena doesn't pick up)

Damon:
Busted.

Elena:
Hey.

Damon:
Hey, Miss avoiding me for three days.

Elena:
Avoiding my? What? We've been talking.

Damon:
Texting one time. "Want to be my plus one at a costume party?" Winky face.

Nadia:
In 1864, there was a vampire roundup in Mystic Falls.

Katherine:
Was there? I'm bad with dates.

Nadia:
Word on the street is that you sold out many vampires, including your best friend Pearl and her daughter Annabelle.

Katherine:
I was running from Klaus. I needed to jet solo. I threw a couple of vampire names on a hit list. Sue me. I also impersonated a teenager to get my ex-boyfriends to make out with me, staged a fake fight to trigger my lover's werewolf curse, ooh, and I chopped off this douchey guy's fingers with a butcher knife once. That was cool.

Nadia:
What about ripping a mother away from her daughter? Having her killed for your own benefit?

Katherine:
What are you getting at?

Nadia:
Now a little bit about me. I had myself turned into a vampire to hunt you, to even the playing field, to track your every move for however long it took me until I found you, and I did this because you killed my mother. It happened in Paris, 1645.

Katherine:
I go to Paris for shoes. The shoes I remember. Everything else requires a few more details.

Nadia:
Her name was Lily Atoma. You were on the run from Klaus. She took you in, but when his minions show up, you pointed at my mom, and you said, "That is Katerina Petrova. She is the one you want." So they took her away.

Katherine:
You were never going to let me go, were you?

Nadia:
No, but I'd hate for you die on an empty stomach.

Tyler:
Did I mention you're the hottest serial killer in here?

Caroline:
Well, considering the crowd, I'll take that as a compliment.

Tyler:
I thought you got Stefan a costume.

Caroline:
He's James Dean. I went easy on him. I figured between the blood lust drama, the Damon-Elena drama, the amnesia drama, he's been through enough.

Damon:
Lady Ann Boleyn. Now, who in their right mind would cut off a head so gorgeous?

Elena:
Uh, you, my King, my not-so-loving husband.

Damon:
Well, maybe I can dance my way out of this doghouse.

Tessa:
Where I come from, open bar meant ceramic jugs of Phoenician wine.

Stefan:
Ok.

Tessa:
You have no idea who I am, do you?

Stefan:
No offense, but actually, I have no idea who a lot of people are.

Tessa:
Tessa, formerly known as Qetsiyah.

Stefan:
The girl who wiped my memories.

Tessa:
Nothing personal, little ex-boyfriend drama. Let me make it up to you, buy you an "I'm sorry" drink.

Damon:
More like an "I'm sorry" keg. Pardon us.

Damon:
So you want to explain to me why I just killed my brother?

Silas:
Well, Tessa's spell mentally linked us. I lost my psychic abilities. Stefan lost his memories.

Damon:
And this severed the link?

Silas:
Yes, Damon. I can read your mind again. No. I'm not lying, and maybe you enjoyed breaking your brother's neck just a little bit too much.

Katherine:
I want to know why you made up that fake story about your mom.

Nadia:
It was a test. You failed.

Katherine:
I knew it was a fake story. By 1645, I'd been running from Klaus for a century and a half. There's no way any of his minions would have mistaken anyone for me. But you know how my brain works, right? So you must have known that I wouldn't have fallen for that sob story.

Nadia:
I wanted to get under your skin, and it worked because here you are.

Katherine:
What kind of sick game are you playing?

Nadia:
It's not a game, Katherine. You did kill my mother, but it wasn't Paris. It was in a little cottage in England, and it wasn't 1645. It was April 6, 1492, and she was all alone, exiled by her family two years earlier. You stuck her head in a noose, pushed her off the chair, and snapped her neck.

Katherine:
Who are you?

Nadia:
My name... is Nadia Petrova... and you are my mother.

Elena:
Quiet, still, peaceful. I like our life when it's like this.

Damon:
But this is our life, which probably means that somebody's gonna walk through that door and shatter it.

Elena:
Oh, don't say that.

Damon:
In 10...9...

Elena:
Just let me enjoy the moment.

Damon:
6...5...

Elena:
Damon, today is the day that we're gonna bring Bonnie back. It's a good day.

Damon:
3...2...

Elena:
Damon, it's a good day.

Silas:
Greetings.

Damon:
One.

Silas:
Good morning, frenemies.

Silas:
Oh, you don't think that I keep my promises,

Elena:
You said that now you're a witch again you would bring Bonnie back from the other side.

Silas:
I did, and I can.

Elena:
And you promised Damon that you would to that if he helped you.

Silas:
Yeah.

Elena:
But you're kind of evil. No offense.

Silas:
None taken.

Elena:
So I'm just trying to figure out how I can trust one of your last acts in this world will be to bring my best friend back.

Silas:
Did you want me to pinky swear?

Damon:
New Jersey? The supernatural other world is bound by an object in Snooki's backyard?

Tessa:
You know that old, ancient story I told you about the Travelers? Oh, wait. You don't. I fried your brain and took your memories. Sorry. The Travelers- you know how Silas wants to destroy the other side so he can be at peace with that slut Amara that he calls his one true love? The Travelers don't want that.

Stefan:
Why not?

Tessa:
Not important. Scratch that. Very important. I'm just not gonna answer it.

Silas:
Knock, knock. (No answer) Knock, knock. Who's there? The Mayor. The Mayor who?

Damon:
Well, who?

Silas:
No one. That's the joke. No ones there because I killed the Mayor.

Jeremy:
You're a dick.

Damon:
Tessa may be insane, but she's a bona fide genius. 2,000 years old, immortal, indestructible. The anchor isn't a thing. It's a person.

Amara:
I love you, Silas. I'm so sorry. I have to be cured. I can't live another day.

Damon:
Elena, meet crazy pants. Crazy pants, meet Elena.

Silas:
I love love. I do. Yeah. I have a soul mate, too, you know, that love at first sight, want to live forever, love is eternal kind of love? Amara. That's her name. See, the problem is when I first meet Amara, I was with another woman, so I kind of cheated on her, which to be honest with you, it really wouldn't have been that big of a deal except it turned out that the other woman was a raging lunatic. So when she found out that I cheated on her, she freaked out, turned Amara into stone, like, literally, Medusa style.

Guy:
Dude, are you, like, ok?

Silas:
What do you mean? You think I'm crazy? Why do you think I'm crazy? All I've wanted for the last 2,000 years is to reunited with the love of my life. How's that crazy?

Girl:
Maybe the turned her into stone part.

Guy:
Or the 2,000 years part.

Silas:
No. Guys, we were both immortal, and now we're not. Hello? Look. The point is I finally had the chance to hold Amara in my arms, and what does she do? She jams a chunk of glass in my carotid artery. Look, look.

Guy:
No, thanks.

Silas:
Listen, you two. Here's my advice. Live it up. You know, enjoy this love while it lasts because let me tell you something. Just a couple of days ago, I was psychic, I was immortal, I was in love. Now my neck hurts, my soul is crushed, I'm sitting in a bus stop in frigging Delaware.

Girl:
You're in Philly.

Silas:
Im in Philly? Ohh! God, it's even worse.

Guy:
(Doubles over clutching his side) Ow!

Girl:
What's going on, babe? Hey. What's going on? Hey. Talk to me. (He starts gagging up blood) Oh, my god. What's happening? What are you doing to him?

Silas:
I think I'm liquefying his internal organs. Did I fail to mention that I'm a witch?

Girl:
Please stop. Please just stop.

Silas:
No! I'm pissed off at the world, and I'm taking it out on your so-called lover. And I'm thinking you might be my next victim. (girl runs away) Look at that! Unbelievable. Love is so damn fickle. Incredible. Here you go, buddy. Come on up, come on up, come on up. Up you go. That's good, good. Buses, however... tried and true.

Damon:
October 1852.

Stefan:
You broke my nose trying to teach me how to throw a right hook.

Damon:
But not on purpose just to be clear. How much did you pay for that hunk of junk motorcycle that you ride?

Stefan:
That's a trick question. You bought me that motorcycle, although I'm guessing it was pretty expensive.

Damon:
So Tessa just gave you back your memories, no strings attached?

Stefan:
Well, it wasn't exactly a gift. It was a lot to take in all at once, everything from blowing out the candles on my first birthday cake...drowning in a safe.

Katherine:
So what am I looking at here, hmm, blood clot, tumor, what?

Max:
I did a full workup on your blood, Katherine. It's clean.

Katherine:
My hair is going gray, and my teeth are falling out. I'm not sure what the suggests, but it's definitely not health.

Max:
Patient is irritable. Not sure if this is a symptom or personality.

Katherine:
(breaks the recorder) Personality. Now tell me exactly what the hell is going on with me.

Max:
You're aging.

Katherine:
What?

Max:
You said you were turned into a vampire 500 years ago, give or take, and now that your human, let's say time is catching up with you.

Katherine:
Ok. Ok. Well, how do we stop it?

Max:
We don't. It's just life running its course quicker than normal.

Katherine:
How much quicker?

Max:
If it continues at this rate, you have a few months. I'm sorry.

Jeremy:
Relax. I'm-- I'm just bringing dinner.

Amara:
I know you.

Jeremy:
I don't think so.

Amara:
You're the Hunter. I never forget a face, but Silas killed you. You're dead.

Jeremy:
I was. I came back.

Amara:
How? I said how? (to Bonnie) It was you, wasn't it? You're a witch. You brought him back.

Bonnie:
You can see me?

Amara:
Of course I can see you. I'm not blind. I have eyes. Or are you dead? I get so mixed up. I can't tell the difference between the living and the dead.

Jeremy:
Can you see people on the other side?

Amara:
I am the anchor to the other side. I can see everything. Gah! Don't touch me! Please don't-- don't touch me.

Bonnie:
I can touch her.

Jeremy:
Ok. That's weird.

Bonnie:
Jer, I think I've got an idea.

(Scene shift)

Jeremy:
Amara could see Bonnie, and Bonnie could touch her. They made physical contact. It's like Amara's got a foot on each side or something.

Elena:
Amara exists in both places at once, here and the other side?

Damon:
Then she's not crazy crazy, she's just talking to dead supernatural beings roaming around in our basement.

Bonnie:
That's not the point.

Jeremy:
The point is, if Silas isn't going to help us, what if Bonnie could be the same thing? What if she existed on both sides at once? What if she became the anchor?

Elena:
You're right. Jeremy, you're right. So all we need is someone who could do that spell.

Damon:
Oh, please don't say who I think you're gonna say.

Elena:
Think about it. Silas wants Amara to die, and Amara wants Amara to die, so who besides us is the one person with the biggest stake against letting that happen?

(Scene shift)

Damon:
I was hoping we could talk.

Tessa:
And I was hoping you were my Chinese food. Good-bye.

Damon:
You remember Amara, right, brunette, brown eyes, I'm surprisingly not in love with her?

Tessa:
What about her?

Damon:
Well, she took the cure, she wants to die, and we have her.

Tessa:
But she's alive?

Damon:
For now. Silas is literally on his way here to kill her. He's completely obsessed with destroying the other side so that he and Amara can live happily ever after in the great beyond. Man, you were right about these Doppelgängers. They do always end up together. So how does it feel to say, "I told you so"?

Tessa:
Like I want to shoot fireballs at Silas and drown him in acid.

Damon:
See? That's what I thought. So how would you feel about making us a deal?

Damon:
So here's my pitch. In order to keep the other side in place, you need something to anchor the spell, right, something powerful, like an immortal being powerful. Now Amara was obviously a great choice until she downed the cure, so would you consider someone who's dead but stuck on the other side a viable candidate?

Tessa:
An anchor swap?

Damon:
Because I've got a volunteer.

Tessa:
I'd be making a ghost a human toll booth between our side and the other side, giving her the power to interact with our physical world and the supernatural purgatory.

Damon:
So what's the problem?

Tessa:
I need a massive amount of power to do a transfer spell like that.

Damon:
Fine. Name your poison.

Tessa:
I need something to draw on. The moon's not full, I don't think there's a worthy comet for another couple billion years.

Damon:
think hard. I have a girlfriend at home who misses her best friend and a wacky stowaway on suicide watch. It's ridiculous.

Tessa:
Doppelgängers. They're powerful, mystically, naturally recurring.

Damon:
You want Doppelgänger blood? I got Doppelgängers coming out of my ears. How many do you want?

Nadia:
You hate junk food. You call it toxic poison.

Katherine:
Yeah? Well, I've decided to live a little. Now may I be excused, scary vampire daughter?

Nadia:
You've been avoiding me, I don't like it.

Katherine:
clearly.

Nadia:
We had a moment you and i, there was a bond. and then nothing. You abandoned me all over again.

Katherine:
Okay. first of all, i never abandoned you, you were snatched out of my arms at birth because my father thought i was a knocked up shameful slut. and second of all, it's been 500 years, do we really have to do this whole mother-daughter bonding thing? the estrangement is so much easier, don't you think?

Caroline:
sorry to Interrupt the world's weirdest lunch, [to Katherine] but you with the Doppelgänger blood, duty calls.

Katherine:
wonderful, now that Katherine is a human and fragile, everyone thinks that they can just boss her around.

Caroline:
Who the hell turned you into a vampire?

Stefan:
Look, I thought that killing Silas would allow me to move on with my life, but I was wrong. I spent my summer locked in a safe. One minute, I think I'm fine, the next minute I feel like I'm dying all over again.

Katherine:
Oh. Classic PTSD. You survived a pretty traumatic event, and now you're back, and you've got nothing but free time to just relive that terrible experience in the safe. Well, allow me to give your life a purpose. Help me with one little favor.

Stefan:
Should have known this was gonna come around to you needing something from me.

Katherine:
I'm just trying to help. What would I know about post-traumatic stress? I only had my newborn ripped from my arms by my judgmental father ,and then had to run 500 years after my entire family had been slaughtered by a psychopath. But hey, that didn't have any lingering side effects...

Damon:
Love what you've done with the place. You know, if this whole boarding house thing doesn't pan out, you can always turn it into a high-class brothel.

Katherine:
(voice-over) Dear Diary, so here I am alive. Stefan saved me from killing myself. Now he's got me on suicide watch. He says it will be therapeutic for me to write down my feelings about the fact that I'm dying and there's nothing I can do about it. Deep thoughts, mortal coil, blah, blah, blah. Ugh. My hand's tired. (to Stefan) What kind of sentimental idiot writes down everything hey feel? Is this what the prophecy meant when it said that all the Doppelgängers were drawn together like magnets? Because if it is, I any my money back.

Stefan:
I'm just trying to make sure you don't slit your wrists.

Katherine:
Well, this whole neurotic granny vibe doesn't exactly make me want to live. Do you really have nothing better to do than stand there all day and watch me write in cursive?

Stefan:
I'm trying to make sure you don't kill yourself.

Katherine:
And how are you going to do that, you know, since you're still having your little panic attacks?

Stefan:
I'm fine.

Katherine:
Yeah. Of course. You are the picture of mental health, Stefan, after being locked for 3 months in a safe at the bottom of a quarry.

Stefan:
I am dealing with it.

Katherine:
I know. I mean, I heard you "dealing" with it earlier today in the library. It sounded like you freaked out and broke a chair, maybe even two. How are you supposed to help me stay alive if you can't even help yourself?

Stefan:
So does this mean you want to live?

Katherine:
No. It means that I can't work with people who can't give me 100%.

Dr. Whitmore:
Your body heals others, your body heals itself. You'll regenerate parts of internal organs after I remove them.

Damon:
Listen. How I got this amazing body has nothing to do with science, so running-- (Dr Whitmore stabs a knife into his eye) aah!

Katherine:
What the hell happened to you?

Damon:
Ditto. Elena's not here by any chance, is she?

Katherine:
I haven't seen her, not that I've been looking.

Damon:
Stefan, you awake?

Katherine:
You know, he hasn't seen her either. I know because we were together ... All night.

Damon:
Look, I've had a really crappy couple of days, ok? If you're implying what I think you're implying--

Katherine:
Why? What were you thinking? That our hot, naked bodies collided in one unforgettable night of passion?

Damon:
I'm gonna barf.

Katherine:
Great. Then my work here is done. Too-do-loo.

Stefan:
Where the hell have you been?

Damon:
Aw, you know, being held against my will, shot in the head, and now I can't find Elena. How was your evening? Anything out of the ordinary happen?

Stefan:
Wait a minute. What do you mean you can't find Elena?

Damon:
I mean, she's not picking up her phone, she's not in her dorm, she's nowhere in this house, which leads me to believe that Dr. Creepy Ken doll has her somewhere.

Stefan:
Are you talking about the Whitmore bio teacher?

Damon:
Yeah, the one that operates on vampires during business hours, yeah, that one. Put your hero hair on, Stefan. Let's go get Elena.

Stefan:
You just said you don't know where she is.

Damon:
I don't, which means we're gonna have to find us some leverage. So come on.

Damon:
Pop quiz. So your girlfriend's taken by a mad scientist. Now do you: a) get a new girlfriend; b) call the police; or c) kill someone close to that mad scientist.

Damon:
A hundred pages of horrific torture, and you find the one happy passage.

Elena:
I'm not defending you. I'm not defending your decision to kill Aaron's entire family, to go out of the town and kill his aunt while we are so together.

Damon:
So why are you still here? I'm bad Elena. I'm bad for you! So why wouldn't have you run away from me as far as humanly possibile?

Elena:
'Cause I love you, Damon. Because I chose you and I stand by my choice.

Damon:
Now I'm choosing. And I'm choosing to let you go.

Elena:
What?! No, Damon.

Damon:
I'm choosing to not to think about you must feel every time some ghost from my past comes in our lives. I'm choosing to relieve you of having to defend me for every awful thing I've ever done.

Elena:
Stop acting like I'm perfect! Damon, I've done horrible things too. You think I wanna stand here and judging you after you've tortured for 5 years?

Damon:
Stop defending me! I won't change who I am. I can't. But I refuse to change you.

Bonnie:
So that's it? You're just giving up?

Caroline:
As she should! I mean, he did say-- and I quote-- "I am a bad person. I am bad for you and I am choosing to let you go."

Elena:
You memorized my breakup?

Caroline:
Of course I did.

Caroline:
It's Stefan.

Elena:
Tell him I don't feel like talking.

Bonnie:
She doesn't feel like talking.

Caroline:
(to Stefan) She doesn't feel like talking.

Damon:
Rule number one, think of the worst thing Katherine Pierce has ever done to you. Rule number two, toast to the glory of her impending death. Rule number three, if you come across something that's worse-- which you will-- repeat rules one and two. She pretended to be buried in a tomb for 145 years while I waited for her lying ass. (Damon drinks) Wait. Does that beat pretended to be Elena and kissing me on the front porch of your old house?

Jeremy:
I don't think so.

Damon:
I don't think so either, damn. Quarterback, go.

Matt:
Uh....

Damon:
Think on that. Little Gilbert.

Jeremy:
She fed me to Silas, and I died.

Damon:
Doozy.

Jeremy:
Then she made me crash my car into a pole and left me for dead. Again.

Damon:
Doubly doozy. Drink.

Matt:
My sister's dead because of her.

Damon:
Yes, she is because I wouldn't have even been in town to turn Vicki into a murderous vampire if I wasn't trying to get Katherine out of the tomb she wasn't in. Group shot.

Elena:
Seriously?

Matt:
Elena, we were just, uh--

Elena:
I know what you're doing. (to Jeremy) You're cut off. If anyone is drinking to Katherine's last days, it's gonna be me. She impersonated me repeatedly... Made Aunt Jenna stab herself in the stomach and cut off Uncle John's fingers.

Jeremy:
He might have deserved that.

Bonnie:
My Grams died trying to close a tomb. She wasn't in.

Caroline:
Tyler's werewolf curse got triggered because of her.

Elena:
Klaus followed her to Mystic Falls, and because of that, we lost Jenna.

Damon:
And Alaric.

Matt:
We're gonna need more booze.

Elena:
She tried to kill me at least twice.

Caroline:
She did kill me, although I'm weirdly better off.

Damon:
Rumor has it she burnt down the entire city of Atlanta once.

Jeremy:
That might win.

Stefan:
All right. Knock it off or take it somewhere else. You guys are being insensitive.

Damon:
Come on, Stefan. Don't let the sight of a frail, human, Elena look-alike cloud your memories of the manipulative psycho that she is.

Stefan:
In 1864, Katherine moved into my home, she compelled me to love her, seduced my brother, fed us full of vampire blood, and then started a war with the town that got us killed.

Damon:
Exactly. Bottoms up.

Stefan:
But centuries before that, she was just an innocent girl who was shunned by her family, so for 500 years, she lied and manipulated and did whatever she had to do survive, and she did. She's a survivor, right. So that's the girl that I will drink to today. Cheers.

Damon:
Please. One night of hot sex with her, and your brainwashed?

Elena:
What?!

Bonnie:
What?!

Caroline:
Oh, my-- I forgot to tell you. You were kidnapped and hostages and--

Stefan:
Bottle's empty actually.

Damon:
That's why you never send a busboy to do a man's job. Nadia, the devil's spawn. Hey, Caroline. Did you remember to tell Elena that?

Elena:
I think my mind just exploded.

Klaus:
You're not even the least bit curious as to why I'm here?

Caroline:
I literally just whooshed at the sight of your face, so no.

Klaus:
Damon informed me that Katerina Petrova has taken a tragic turn.

Caroline:
So you're here to gloat over her corpse to be, to delight in the closure of 500 years of revenge! Great! Now I'm even less interested.

John:
Hello, fingers. Goodbye, fingers.

Stefan:
Guess it's a good thin I'm not claustrophobic anymore.

Elena:
That's what Katherine helped you with-- Silas aftermath.

Stefan:
She did.

Elena:
Can I just hate her anyway?

Stefan:
You can.

Elena:
Thank you.

Stefan:
But I don't. I know I should, but for some reason, I keep rooting for her to find peace. Katherine's not the only one, you know? Damon keeps pushing you away because he hates himself, who he is, what's he done. Just remember that you never gave up on me, so don't give up on him. Don't let him give up on you either, ok?

Klaus:
So the quarterback has been saved. What now?

Caroline:
Don't you have a dying girl to go punish for all of her sins?

Klaus:
I do, but I won't for you.

Caroline:
So you came all the way to Mystic Falls just to back off when I ask you to?

Klaus:
No. I came all the way to Mystic Falls to gloat over a corpse to be, as you so poetically put it, but I will leave minus the gloating in return for one small thing.

Caroline:
And what is that?

Klaus:
I want your confession.

Caroline:
My confession? I didn't do anything. Confession about what?

Klaus:
Me. As soon as we're done here, I'm gonna walk away, and I'm never coming back. You'll never again have to look me in the eye and cover our connection with hostility and revulsion. You'll never have to loathe the darkest parts of yourself that care fore in spite of all I've done. I will be gone, and you will be free. I just... Want you to be honest with me.

Caroline:
I'm in college. I'm building a life for myself. I have plans and a future and things that I want, and none of those things involve you, ok, none of them.

Klaus:
I see.

Caroline:
No, you don't because, yes, I cover our connection with hostility because, yes, I hate myself for the truth, so if you promise to walk away like you said an never come back, then, yes, I will be honest with you. I will be honest with you about what I want.

Klaus:
I will walk away, and I'll never come back, I promise.

Caroline:
(steps closer) Good. (kisses Klaus)

Stefan:
You know, I was in a dark place, Damon.

Damon:
And Katherine pulled you out of it. Irony abounds.

Stefan:
You know, whatever is going on with you and Elena, you need to fix it. She's the best thing that ever happen to you.

Damon:
You think I don't know that? I can't live without her... But when you think about it, I'm no better than Katherine. Elena will be happier without me. What, I'm being selfless? Don't give me that look.

Stefan:
I'm not giving you a look.

Damon:
Katherine fricking Pierce has a selfless moment, I'm not allowed to? Fine. Fine. When I get Elena back and the whole universe freaks out because the fated Doppelgängers are torn apart, just remember you-- you're the one that pep talked me out of doing the right thing for the universe and all mankind.

Stefan:
I will keep that in mind.

Damon:
You do that.

Matt:
So this anchor thing, does it mean that you'll, like, be able to feel Katherine's death or whatever?

Bonnie:
I think so. I mean, she's human, but she's also a Doppelgänger and Traveler apparently.

Matt:
So who else do you see over there? Anybody I know?

Bonnie:
I see lots of people. My Grams, the other witches. Vicki. I just don't talk about it, you know, I just--

Vicki:
Because it's depressing as hell. Tell Matty I love him.

Matt:
What's happening?

Bonnie:
She's here. She said she loves you.

Vicki:
Tell him that I watch over him and no more knocking around with that blond original chick who almost got him killed.

Matt:
Wait. Wait. What's happening? What am I missing?

Tyler:
Me.

Caroline:
Tyler?

Tyler:
Rebekah says to tell you that I'm her parting gift. Hey, Care.

Caroline:
Hi.

Stefan:
We've really gone through four bottles of bourbon today?

Alaric:
Can someone really tell these idiots to lay off the booze?

Bonnie:
Oh, my god.

Jeremy:
Alaric?

Damon:
Ric's here?

Jeremy:
Where the hell have you been? I thought you bailed on us to go find peace or something.

Alaric:
Do you honestly think I'd leave Damon in charge and never look back?

Damon:
He's talking about me, isn't he?

Jeremy:
He says you're a dick.

Damon:
Cheers, buddy.

Alaric:
Cheers.

Bonnie:
Katherine.

Damon:
Ding-dong. Does that mean the witch is dead?

Katherine:
No. Uh-uh. It's too soon. I can't.

(Katherine wakes up gasping in Stefan's room)

Elena:
Wow, you really don't want to die, do you? I swear I just heard your heat stop.

Katherine:
Where am I?

Elena:
Still alive... Sadly.

Katherine:
I thought I was a goner there for a second, but I still have unfinished business.

Elena:
So do I. I had this whole speech that I was preparing to give your unconscious body.

Katherine:
Let me guess. Hate, loathe, screw you, die, bitch, et cetera.

Elena:
Yes. Plus one more thing. I forgive you.

Katherine:
You what?

Elena:
I forgive you. You weren't born evil. Your life made you that way. You lost everyone that you cared about way too young, and you didn't have a family that looked after you. Sound familiar?

Katherine:
Is this the... "We're not so different you and I" Doppelgänger speech? Because I'd be happy to skip it.

Elena:
I'll save it for the funeral that we probably won't have for you.

Katherine:
Perfect.

Elena:
I just wanted to get the forgiveness part out. It's part of me that I... I never want to lose.

Katherine:
Good for you. Now maybe you can help a girl out and give me one more syringe, and if anyone's gonna plunge a needle in me one last time, may as well be you. Symmetry and all that. Elena... Thank you for your forgiveness.

Elena:
You're welcome.

Katherine:
Jaryakat a zem. Daryeet acza.

Stefan:
Hey, I need a favor. You know how Damon was trying to be all noble and broke up with Elena?

Caroline:
Of course. There was champagne.

Stefan:
Yeah. Well, I kind of convinced him he was an idiot.

Caroline:
You what?!

Stefan:
And now he's in a bit of a mood, and something tells me that he's been trying to get ahold of Elena, but she hasn't been returning his phone calls.

Caroline:
Look. I would love to help if I thought he was actually good for her, but I don't.

Stefan:
Caroline, how would you like to be judged solely based on who you're attracted too? Come on.

Caroline:
Why? Do you know something?

Stefan:
Why? Should I know something?

Caroline:
I just mean are you sure that this is you really want? You know, Elena and Damon or Damon and Elena, or-- I know that there's a nickname in there somewhere.

Stefan:
Listen. I actually think that Elena is good for Damon. She makes him happy, and we all know that when Damon is happy...

Caroline:
He's not out there killing people, which I guess is a plus for mankind.

Stefan:
Exactly.

Caroline:
But even if I wanted to help, she's not here. I thought that she was with you.

Stefan:
She told me she was staying at Whitmore.

Caroline:
Ok. That's weird. Well, where the hell is she?

Damon:
You? You hate me. You once told me that calling me Satan was an insult to Satan.

Caroline:
Well... Nobody's perfect.

Tyler:
I have to pee.

Nadia:
Hybrids pee?

Matt:
There's got to be a fire hydrant joke in there somewhere.

Tyler:
Hilarious.

Jeremy:
You're not gonna hurt me. Elena would--

Damon:
Elena would what? Hurt me, dump me? Been there, done that, wrote the country song.

Bonnie:
Kill you. She would kill you.

Damon:
Cool. And then me and all her doppelgängers could start a baseball team on the Other Side.

Stefan:
Hey, Damon. Don't bother coming back.

Damon:
I wasn't planning on it.

Stefan:
[to Katherine] The truth is, ever since the first time I noticed you falling for my brother, I have been waiting for him to screw something up so badly that you hate him. So I've been waiting and watching him do all these horrible things and then every single time I think he's gone too far, he's there for you, sometimes in ways better than I ever was. So the truth is, after a while I just stopped waiting for him to fail because I liked the person he had become -- and I don't want to lose that person.

Caroline:
Good news, bad news. Bad news is that when this happened to Jesse we had to kill him, but the good news is... I'm sorry. Usually there is some good news.

Katherine:
Give them your phone number. I assume that your phone does receive incoming calls, right? Or is it from the Han Dynasty just like your car?

Katherine:
(Enzo called Stefan with Damon's phone) Oh, my god. Damon?

Enzo:
Hello, Stefan. How wonderful to hear your beautiful feminine voice.

Katherine:
Enzo. What the hell do you want?

Enzo:
I'm in a spot of trouble, actually.

Katherine:
Where's Damon?

Enzo:
Oh, he's here, salivating, about to chomp into my neck and feed until my head pops off in a grotesque but slightly comical fashion.

Damon:
What the hell is wrong with you?

Stefan:
Hey. When did you get here?

Caroline:
Eh, about 1 1/2 of these ago. You were right. I brought this on myself. I knew the Klaus thing was gonna come with consequences. Guess no I just have to deal with it and learn from my mistakes.

Stefan:
Glad I could help. So did you find Matt?

Caroline:
Yes, and Tyler was right. Nadia's been compelling him to forget things.

Stefan:
What do you mean? What kind of things?

Caroline:
Who knows? He tried to message me, but Nadia stopped him. "Help. K" was all I got.

Stefan:
Huh.

Caroline:
So you and Elena? What's the verdict?

Stefan:
Um, well, the verdict is she's acting strange. She kissed me.

Caroline:
Excuse me?

Stefan:
Yeah. My car broke down, so we got a hotel room so she could shower-

Caroline:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys got a hotel room with a shower?

Stefan:
Yeah, but it wasn't like that. I mean, I stopped it obviously. I couldn't do that to Damon.

Caroline:
Yeah, but she could? I just--I don't get it. She knows that would destroy him. What is she doing?

Stefan:
That's what I mean. It's like she's given up on Damon, and he thinks that she was trying to get me to kill him tonight.

Caroline:
No. I mean, she may be mad at him, but she would never want him dead.

Stefan:
Unless... Matt texted you, "Help. K," before Nadia stopped him. "K," as in Katherine, and when Katherine was dying, Nadia figured out a way to put Katherine's spirit inside Nadia's body.

Caroline:
Yeah, but that didn't happen because Katherine had a change of heart. No. No. You don't think that-- it's impossible that she's be-- we would have noticed. It's Elena. We know her. Oh, my god.

Damon:
She's brilliant.

Stefan:
We haven't noticed that Katherine's been inhabiting Elena's body for weeks, and that's all you've got to say?

Damon:
Yep.

Stefan:
And you realize that it was Katherine who broke up with you, it wasn't Elena?

Damon:
Eh-huh.

Stefan:
So, your little murder spree with Enzo where you killed Aaron, you nearly killed Jeremy, tried to kill Wes but you got infected with that ripper virus-- that was all you reacting to Katherine.

Damon:
I'm trying to figure out why you decided to tell a starving, bloodthirsty, vampire-feeding ripper that his nemesis is still walking around alive and well while I am stuck in this cell and can't do anything about it.

Stefan:
I have it under control.

Damon:
I'd love to hear this.

Damon:
I need more.

Stefan:
Too bad.

Damon:
That was nothing.

Stefan:
That's exactly 4 ounces. When you were out killing vampires, you said one vampire kept you good for 8 hours. So, our friend Caroline did a little bit of math--

Damon:
Caroline?

Stefan:
Relax. She had a calculator. So, 4 ounces 3 times a day should be just enough to help manage the hunger.

Damon:
I need blood.

Tyler:
You just had your lunch 30 minutes ago.

Damon:
Or you could give me a couple sips of that hybrid juice. I can be on my way and I'll take up my ripper situation with Wes.

Tyler:
Not gonna happen.

Damon:
Can I ask you a question without you getting all wolf man on me?

Tyler:
Do I have a choice?

Damon:
Why are you still here?

Tyler:
I'm a hybrid, and you need a babysitter.

Damon:
Oh, no, I mean here, in Mystic Falls, here. Your family's all dead, and I don't see you getting a job at the grill. Yet I don't see you in a Whitmore hoodie, either. Something tells me that there's a little masochistic voice inside your head that's trying to convince you that you and Caroline still have a fighting chance in hell.

Tyler:
I think you have enough problems without having to worry about me.

Damon:
You're probably right. One small difference between you and me - you want to hear it?

Tyler:
Not especially.

Damon:
You see, even after all the terrible things I do, Elena still chose me. Because she's fighting for me. Caroline, on the other hand, chose the nuclear option. You know that big, red button that just nukes your entire relationship once as for all? Well, sleeping with the guy that killed your mom was kind of her way of slamming her hand down.

Tyler:
You think Elena will still want you back after this? It's over, Damon. Fix yourself and run. Far away.

Damon:
I plan on it. How's New Orleans this time of year?

Tyler:
You really think Elena's gonna forgive you? Look at you. You killed her friend. You almost killed her brother. You nearly killed her. You're a joke, Damon.

Damon:
Says the guy pining after the girl who slept with Klaus.

Tyler:
You don't know anything about me.

Damon:
I know how to get you in this cell.

Tyler:
I'm okay.

Caroline:
[Damon] fed on you?

Tyler:
I said I'm fine.

Caroline:
Why would you come in here?

Tyler:
Why do you think? Damon knew exactly how to piss me off.

Liv:
Elena's necklace. Candle. Map. Give me your hand. You're Elena's brother. That makes you blood. So, hand it over.

Bonnie:
Actually, he's her cousin. It's a long story.

Liv:
Whatever. Close enough.

Katherine:
Ok. So. Who's got the knife? Which one of you is gonna get to kill the elusive Katherine Pierce once and for all? (no one says anything) What? Suddenly everyone's speechless? When I was on my deathbed you all had plenty to say. Is it you, Tyler? Because I triggered your werewolf curse? Have you an identity and made you better?

Tyler:
You've done nothing for me.

Katherine:
Oh, please, Tyler. If I hadn't walked into your life, you'd just be a wasted nobody with a boozy mom and a temper problem.

Caroline:
Don't. Don't.

Katherine:
And you. I'm not worried about you offing me. Because we both know I made you better by making you a vampire.

Caroline:
Goodbye, Katherine.

Katherine:
Bye-bye, Caroline. Ooh. The one girl here who actually appreciates how beautiful you are. You wouldn't stab me in the heart, would you? Matty blue. No, I don't think so. You will definitely go down as the best night I never had. Oh, well.

Matt:
Oh, well.

Katherine:
Well, little Gilbert, it was nice to have a brother for a second there. When you weren't being so damn annoying. Bon Bon, no need for good-byes. I'll see you on the flip side. Damon. Oh, how you'd love nothing more than to drive that blade right through me.

Damon:
We've already done this, Kitty Kat. I've said all I needed to say.

Katherine:
I know, but I never got to say what I needed to say to you. I'm sorry. You blame me for who you are. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I turned you. I'm sorry that you didn't get to die as a forgotten nobody on a bloody battlefield, and your father didn't get to live another day to be disgraced by you. Damon, I'm sorry that I have your life purpose. Passion. Drive. Desire. I'm sorry that you are who you are because I'm the one that taught you how to love.

Damon:
I'll see you in hell, Katherine.

Katherine:
Stefan. You know, I always wondered what it would be like to be loved by you. You've got to admit, that one fleeting moment... Your feelings were real. This truly has been the role of a lifetime. Stefan, I love you. I've always loved you. (Katherine kisses Stefan, Stefan stabs her) Then I guess this is how our love story ends.

Caroline:
Is it wrong that I feel...

Tyler:
Victorious?

Caroline:
Sad. I know that Katherine is a horrible person, but--

Tyler:
But you see the good in people.

Caroline:
You mean Klaus. Because I saw the good in Klaus.

Tyler:
Your words. Not mine.

Caroline:
Your hybrid bite just killed someone and no one even batted an eye. I sleep with the wrong guy weeks ago and I don't hear the end of it. How is that fair?

Tyler:
I don't know, Care. Maybe people just expect more from you.

Caroline:
Why? Because being good comes so easy to me? Well, guess what, Tyler? It doesn't. I am a vampire. I have the same impulses as you. So, I'm allowed to make some mistakes along the way. Yes, I slept with Klaus-- but after you walked away from me. That was my choice and I am living with it and I don't need to be hearing about it every five seconds. So, just get over it or get out of my life, but... I'm done feeling guilty.

Elena:
Am I seriously that easy to impersonate, or do you guys not know me at all?

Jeremy:
Elena, what's going on?

Elena:
When have I ever danced on a bar half-naked? Do you think that I would come to a college bar with my underage brother and do tequila shots?

Matt:
Elena, what are you talking about?

Elena:
I'm not Elena, Matt. I'm Katherine. It's not me! You guys know me - I wouldn't do that. Guys, Katherine has taken over my body. This isn't me!

Damon:
Caroline and an original hybrid sittin' in a tree...

Elena:
No. Are you serious? Caroline and Klaus? Wait, does Tyler know about this?

Damon:
Yup, and guess who told him.

Elena:
Katherine? (sighs) Katherine is such a bitch.

Damon:
That she is.

Damon:
Katherine didn't do this. I did. I thought you broke my heart, so I ripped open Aaron's neck - that is how much control you have over me.

Elena:
And I'm still here. That's how much control you have over me.

Damon:
Listen to us! This is toxic! We are in a toxic relationship, Elena. I just killed your friend and you find someone else to blame!

Elena:
You want me to blame you? Easy. Done! You screwed up Damon. Again.

Damon:
Thank you!

Elena:
You put me in a position where I have to defend you, again. Where I have to bend my morals, again. Where I have to go against every single thing that I believe in, again, 'cause I love you!

Damon:
Well then stop loving me!

Elena:
I can't!

Damon:
Morning, Sunshine.

Elena:
Oh. Um... did I wake you?

Damon:
No. I've been up for three hours.

Elena:
Really? Because you didn't say a word.

Damon:
Neither did you.

Elena:
Well--ahem-- that's because I didn't really have much to say. Nothing's changed. We're still bad for each other, and we are still broken up. Last night was a mistake.

Damon:
Maybe we should keep making mistakes. Big ones.

Enzo:
Atlanta Assassination Squad. How may we be of service?

Sloan:
I take it you haven't located the doppelgänger yet.

Enzo:
You told us to find a nameless paramedic at the scene of a car accident in a city full of freeways, fried green tomatoes, and terrible drivers. It's not exactly as easy as it sounds.

Sloan:
Which is why I am calling. The doppelgänger's name is Tom Avery, and I just saw him deliver a patient to Atlanta Metro Hospital.

Caroline:
(to Enzo) She saw him? She did the vision thing again? (takes the phone, now talking to Sloan) We had a deal. I find Stefan's last living doppelgänger--

Sloan:
Tom

Caroline:
Tom. I take care of Tom, and in return, you stop using Stefan to psychically doppelbomb him because every time you link the two, you are frying Stefan's brain.

Elena:
Hey, Bon.

Bonnie:
Hey. I got your text. What's the friend emergency?

Elena:
Damon and I broke up. It's final.

Bonnie:
Oh, my god. When did it happen?

Elena:
Last night.

Bonnie:
But you didn't come home last night.

Elena:
Uh, that's because I slept with him.

Bonnie:
Oh.

Elena:
Post breakup.

Bonnie:
Ohh.

Elena:
Was that irresponsible?

Bonnie:
Probably. Does Jeremy know that you and Damon definitely maybe broke up?

Elena:
No. He wasn't at the house last night thankfully.

Bonnie:
Well, that's weird. I mean, he didn't mention anything to me. If he wasn't at home, where was he?

Elena:
I don't know. That doesn't really help me with the whole irresponsible thing, does it?

Enzo:
Ah. Modern women, all bosom, no mystery, present company excluded.

Caroline:
Dear god! Please don't tell me that I'm the real reason you're here.

Enzo:
Why not? From what Damon tells me, I am your type-- well-traveled, charming accent, dodgy morals.

Caroline:
Arrogant, tactless, completely unable to take a hint.

Enzo:
Precisely.

Elena:
Just because Jeremy is a bad student doesn't mean that he's cheating on Bonnie.

Damon:
You're making excuses for someone you love. That's what you do. The worse the behavior, the more you try and defend.

Elena:
And you keep trying to make this about us.

Damon:
Yeah, because you keep trying to make it about anything else.

Elena:
You know what? Fine. But don't pretend that you came here for Jeremy. If you want to talk about last night, talk.

Damon:
Here's the thing, Elena, I don't know what to say or do or think. All I know is that right now I want to rip your clothes off right here in the middle of this hall and throw you in one of these classrooms and kiss every square inch of your body while a bunch of people that drive minivans listen, wishing they were us. (pauses) That's probably a bad idea, right?

Elena:
Right.

Damon:
Right. (bell rings) See you in class.

Elena:
Enough.

Damon:
Hardly. She [Liv] was two seconds away form killing you. I want to know why, so I am gonna rip this nasty rag out of your mouth. If I hear so much as one syllable of hocus-pocus, one of us is gonna break your neck. Spoiler alert- it's gonna be me.

Jeremy:
How do you expect me to care about anything when this is my life? Take a look around. It's not like I could bring my teachers a note saying "sorry I missed class today, we were under a doppelgänger invasion."

Elena:
Caroline, if you bite your tongue any harder, you'll bleed. Say it.

Caroline:
It's Psych 101. Actually it's whatever comes before 101. You told Damon that you couldn't see him anymore, and now you're having dreams about Stefan?

Elena:
It's not just about Stefan, ok. My parents were still alive. It was like a different life.

Caroline:
(answering phone) Stefan. Hey.

Stefan:
Hey.

Caroline:
Is everything ok?

Stefan:
Well, you know how sometimes you feel crazy and you call me and I tell you you're not crazy?

Caroline:
Even thought most of the time I am.

Stefan:
Well, I need you to tell me that I'm not crazy.

Caroline:
No promises.

Stefan:
I was walking to my car, and I nearly got plowed over in the middle of the street because I was having some vision of Elena.

Caroline:
I take that back. Actually, you are not crazy at all. Something's going on.

Damon:
(not answering Elena's call) Damon: One, Temptation: Zero.

Enzo:
(answering Caroline's call) Temptation: One, Enzo-- Hello Gorgeous.

Damon:
Liv has a twin? Is it possible for there to just be one of someone around here?

Elena:
Perfect. A dead old guy with a mysterious, evil plan.

Elena:
What are you doing out here?

Damon:
Oh, you know. Looking at the stars, listening to the universe laughing at me.

Elena:
Damon...

Damon:
We were doomed from the beginning, Elena. We were always gonna end up here.

Elena:
Damon...they're just visions. As soon as we find Markos, they'll stop.

Damon:
And then what? We're friends? Can't wait.

Damon:
I'm gonna staple your tongue to your chin.

Elena:
Do you think Damon and I will ever be able to talk like this? Like friends?

Stefan:
I think you can either be friends with someone or in love with them. I don't think you can be both.

Damon:
We need some rules here. Because if I'm not allowed to drive you home then I definitely don't think you're allowed to ambush me in my bedroom.

Elena:
[in the visions] I saw...a perfect life. Stefan and I were married, we had kids... It was everything that we wanted.

Damon:
Well, we could always ask Markos to put 'em back-

Elena:
But it's not real. You and I? We're messy and complicated, but...we're real.

Damon:
And really bad for each other. Did you forget that part?

Damon:
No, Elena, I can't be your friend. It's too damn hard.

Elena:
Damon-

Damon:
No, I'm serious, Elena - I can't see you anymore. I don't wanna hear your voice, I don't wanna talk to you, I don't even want to look at you, and I sure as hell don't want to be your friend.

Damon:
Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt...whatever weird ritual you two were doing but, I just wanted to de-passenger the great citizens of Mystic Falls using the magical Traveler knife so, hand it over.

Matt:
It's gonna be a problem...

Damon:
Five words that make me wanna vamp-toss my keys into your chest cavity. Little Gilbert, help me in the fight against my dark side and elaborate, please.

Jeremy:
We can't find it.

Damon:
As in, you lost it?

Matt:
As in, it's not here!

Damon:
You're right. Don't invite me in, because I will kill both of you.

Enzo:
I can't join my friends for a cup of tea?

Stefan:
Damon, your friend, uh, singular, isn't here, and we're a little busy right now.

Matt:
And we're stuck here because Damon said he'd twist off our kneecaps if we left.

Damon:
Perfect. You [Tyler] avoid the entire Czech language, figure out how to find Markos.

Tyler:
How am I supposed to do that?

Damon:
Well, you have a Traveler inside of you. I mean, I have probably misplaced faith that you'll figure it out. Meanwhile, you and I and our ex-girlfriend are gonna go on a little secret trip.

Caroline:
Good news! So we don't have to be invite in, which is actually super sad if you think about it.

Damon:
What game?

Caroline:
Charades. Our theme is secrets that people think they're getting away with.

Damon:
Well, Meryl Streep, I'd love to know how we're gonna act out Watergate.

Caroline:
Well, I'm sure team Stelena will figure it out.

Damon:
A, you just implied that I was on your team. Two, you just gave me that judge little hinty voice. So what am I missing?

Caroline:
It's probably nothing.

Damon:
Speak.

Caroline:
Well, don't you think that Stefan and Elena have been a little... you know?

Damon:
No. Clearly I don't.

Caroline:
Secretive? I caught them being all hushed and whispery at the car this morning, and now they're getting firewood out of the shed together, which apparently takes twenty minutes.

Damon:
You know, now that you mention it, Elena got all cagey when I brought up Enzo.

Caroline:
No, no. I'm not talking about Enzo. I'm talking about Stefan and Elena.

Damon:
How much have you had to drink?

Jeremy:
One part wolfsbane, one part vervain. All together, the dumbest idea that either of you have ever had.

Damon:
Enzo! You in here?

Enzo:
Don't reckon I'd miss this.

Damon:
Because knock it off!

Caroline:
It doesn't make any sense. If Enzo wanted to kill Elena, drowning her wouldn't work.

Enzo:
Smart girl. See why you like her so much.

Caroline:
Maybe he's just trying to scare us.

Enzo:
Warmer. (No says anything) Come on! You've almost got it. What is Enzo up to?

Damon:
Drowning Elena was just a distraction. He figured out a way to kill us all in one fell swoop.

Enzo:
Did I mention that I missed you?

Damon:
What did you think I was going to do?

Stefan:
What are you talking about?

Damon:
When I found out Enzo's dead? Did you think I was gonna go on a rampage, slaughter a bunch of innocent people, go bowling with human head? What'd you think I was gonna do?

Damon:
Mr... Sikes, head of corporate accounts. Oops. Sorry about that. Yeah. Can't have you mumbling any of those annoying Traveler ditties. It's a sure migraine. So here's the deal. My brother and my girl have both been kidnapped by Travelers, and I can't seem to find them anywhere. I mean, like, poof, gone, right? So besides a completely clueless hybrid in my basement and a cave full of sleeping Travelers, I've got nothing to go on except you, so I'm gonna need you to tell me where I can find your leader Markos. [Caroline sighs] What's up, Blondie?

Damon:
You have Elena participating in squirrel slaughter?

Stefan:
Believe me, she's no happier about it than I am.

Damon:
Heh heh. She'll shoot your eye out.

Bonnie:
He says you promised to bring him back.

Enzo:
Uh, you're paraphrasing. He said, quote, I will find a way.

Bonnie:
Whatever.

Damon:
Hello. Still here, and I know what I said.

Enzo:
Bey. Remind him he doesn't have a very good track record for keeping promises.

Bonnie:
Please stop talking.

Enzo:
The other side is on the brink of collapse. I plan on pestering all of you until I'm safely returned to the land of the living.

Bonnie:
You need to fix this before I lose my mind.

Damon:
Hey. I'm sorry, ok? I've got two missing Doppelgängers, I've got a Traveler that wants to rid our town of magic, and I've got the friendly banker Mr. Sikes in the coat closet, so escape from the netherworld's gonna have to wait until tomorrow. [Enzo throws a bottle of booze into fireplace]

Bonnie:
I think he wants to be penciled in for today.

Elena:
How many, um--ahem--you know, are we supposed to have before we get our strength back?

Stefan:
More than we've had, that's for sure. Let me know if you see a damn buffalo.

Elena:
This is depressing.

Stefan:
Yeah. More depressing than walking for miles and no knowing where the hell you're going?

Elena:
No, probably not more depressing than that.

Stefan:
Damon is in full hero mode today.

Elena:
I'm sure he was thrilled about that.

Stefan:
I don't know. He had the whole savior of the universe voice going on.

Elena:
I like that voice. You know, maybe this whole thing's a sign.

Stefan:
A sign of what?

Elena:
My blood can literally destroy him. If that's not a sign that were in a toxic relationship--

Stefan:
Our blood, all right, our blood. Don't hog the blame. Look. We're vampires. We're a toxic species. Whether you want to blame it on magic or biology, it's just who we are. When a human gets ravenously hungry, they eat a double cheeseburger. We kill people. Some of us are more extreme than others, but that's just who we are.

Elena:
How come you're so much better at controlling it?

Stefan:
Because I'm so much worse when I don't. I'm only gonna say this once. You two are miserable without each other, so if you want to be with him, just be with him. Look. When humans want to break free from complicated relationships, they go to therapy. Vampires get a pass, ok?

Elena:
I think I just hallucinated a unicorn.

Stefan:
Hmm. Maybe Caroline's nearby.

Elena:
Heh. If Caroline was here, we'd have a fully catered buffet on the side of the road and a rainbow.

Stefan:
Two rainbows.

Damon:
Salvatore Boring House.

Markos:
I'm calling about my people.

Damon:
Hey. You found my note. Now listen. Don't be offended, but I can't just give them to anyone, so what do they look like?

Markos:
They're ragged, beaten down by the world, desperate for a home.

Damon:
You just described homeless people, aging hipsters and Matt Donovan.

Lexi:
I got you! Looks like I've now saved you from both metaphorical darkness and actual darkness. I think you owe me a beer.

Elena:
A little tip. If you're gonna flee the scene of a crime, take back roads.

Damon:
Class is in session. First assignment-- anti-magic perimeter. Gilbert, what you got?

Jeremy:
I walked around Mystic Falls this morning to see where my Hunter instincts disappeared.

Damon:
Meaning what, your biceps shrunk, and your brain got smaller?

Jeremy:
Meaning that I have a supernatural urge to kill vampires, so wherever I hated you less, there was no magic.

Silas:
As vezat esvet.

Bonnie:
As vezat esvat.

Silas:
Esvet, not vat. I feel like I'm teaching calculus to an infant.

Bonnie:
I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous about unleashing a plague onto humanity.

Silas:
Ooh! I've been upgraded to a plague? Oh. How biblical and fitting, seeing as I will probably will kill a lot of people in an epic, all-inclusive way once I'm out of here.

Alaric:
Friendly advice: when you finally get the girl, don't blow her up.

Elena:
(crying) You lied to me!

Damon:
Even if I wanted to apologize, you couldn't hear me. So I won't.

Elena:
Please don't leave me.

Damon:
I don't have a choice, baby. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my 173 years on this earth. The fact that I get to die knowing I was loved, not just by anyone, by you, Elena Gilbert, is the epitome of a fulfilled life. It was never going to get any better than this. I peaked. I love you, Elena.

Elena:
Please. Please, come back to me.

Damon:
Bye.

Damon:
This place is going down, isn't it?

Bonnie:
It is. I am sure there are a million other people that we'd both rather be with right now, but...

Damon:
Couple thousand at most.

Bonnie:
Do you think it'll hurt?

Damon:
I don't kn-

sorry what was that? i couldn’t quite hear you

Damon:
It's like driving past a car crash except you want to look away.

Bonnie:
What are you doing here?

Damon:
I tutor some kids in calculus. You know, I like giving back, be a good role model. Kidding! I'm here to kidnap your boyfriend.

Jeremy:
You're not funny. Let's get out of here.

Damon:
You're not going anywhere, buddy.

Bonnie:
Let go of him.

Damon:
Or what? You'll glare at me to death? You don't have your little magic wand to back you up anymore, Bon-Bon.

Jeremy:
Hey!

Damon:
Ooh!

Jeremy:
Hey. Leave her alone.

Damon:
Relax. I'm here for you, not her, you idiot. Keep up. Anyway, I have this hit list, and I can't find my last target so basically, I need a witch.

Bonnie:
Ok. Well, you just said it. I can't do magic anymore, so go away.

Damon:
Grams ran occult studies. I'm sure we could throw a rock and hit a witch around here. So listen: take this. This is Wes' blood. My buddy Enzo kept this as a souvenir. Now this should jump-start a locator spell. Tick-tock.

Jeremy:
Are you deaf? She is not helping you. You're not gonna hurt me. Elena would--

Damon:
Elena would what? Hurt me? Dump me? Been there, done that! Wrote the country song.

Bonnie:
Kill you. She would kill you.

Damon:
Cool... and then me and all her doppelgängers could start a baseball team on the Other Side.