Veronica Mars, Season 3

Veronica:
[imitating Clint Eastwood] You a bounty hunter, boy?

Logan:
I really shouldn't have pushed for the Clint Eastwood marathon. Now I've ruined you. I didn't think it was possible to make you more butch. Stupid, stupid Logan. Well, wanna feel like a man, walk me to class?

Veronica:
[normal voice] Carry your books?

Logan:
Why not? [they start walking to class] Guess who I saw on campus today?

Veronica:
Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college. I'm on the verge of it right now.

Logan:
No, Dick, my BFF.

Veronica:
I thought he was crashing with his dad in the Caymans.

Logan:
Well, he's back.

Veronica:
Did you guys talk?

Logan:
Yeah, but it was brief - shouted his name, flipped me off: the bonds of friendship.

Keith:
Vinnie. What brings you to the good part of the wrong side of the tracks?

Vinnie:
Dollar signs, mi amigo. The almighty buck. I got a case that requires a little double-detective duty. Lucky Pierre owns a jewelry store and suspects that he's got an embezzler. What do you say, huh? [holds out fist] Wonder Twin powers, activate.

Wallace:
Took this side. Hope that's cool.

Piz:
Yeah, no sweat. I rarely wear clothes indoors. Hope that's cool.

Wallace:
[chuckles, then stops abruptly] That's not cool at all.

Veronica:
[to Logan after sex] Woof! You should seriously consider going pro in that.

Rat boy:
We saw you get ripped off.

Veronica:
You're twelve. What were you doing up at Hearst?

Ferret boy:
Checking out the college girls laying out. Some of them go topless.

Wallace:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up right there, son. Tell us exactly where this sunbathing goes on.

Ferret boy:
South quad, where that statue is.

Veronica:
What are you saying you saw?

Piz:
Is it the Randolph Hearst statue, or the amorphous blobby thing?

Mac:
[sighs] I have "There's Got to Be a Morning After" stuck in my head. If I start singing, kill me.

Veronica:
[reading invitation] "Tasteful" floral dresses? All my florals are trampy. Seriously, I don't have a thing with a flower that's not in the tube top or hot pant family.

Veronica:
[voiceover] I guess "dress to impress" meant "dress like your favorite Pussycat Doll."

Veronica:
[voiceover] The best way to keep a guy at least ten feet away? Dry heave. Vomit is the new mace.

Keith:
'Sup?

Veronica:
I'm not acknowledging that.

Veronica:
[about two girls] New friends?

Logan:
Yeah, from weightlifting class.

Veronica:
Right! The only class you never miss. So, what - you guys, like, spot each other doing squat thrusts and stuff?

Logan:
And have group sex in the showers. [Veronica scoffs] What is this, jealous?

Veronica:
Oh, jealous would involve piano wire.

Logan:
Oh. So what was that?

Veronica:
That was mild annoyance at the fact that two gym buddies invite you to a party and you're there already, but whenever I want to do something interesting, you're busy.

Logan:
You mean "interesting" like some fossil wheezing through a novel?

Veronica:
First, Martin Amis isn't a fossil, and second, yes, it's college. We're supposed to expand our horizons past video games and binge drinking.

Logan:
My horizons go slightly beyond that.

Veronica:
Great. So, how about tonight we check out the art-major group show?

Logan:
I'm busy? [she sighs] No, really, I have a class till ten, but if you come by afterwards, we could write on ourselves. Get real, uh... political.

Veronica:
That's what a girl wants to hear: "Darling, do all the weird crap you like, just don't be late for the booty call."

Weevil:
[to boss] Guess I'll wash some spoiled bitch's graduation gift from daddy, huh?

Veronica:
I'm not spoiled, and uh, technically, it wasn't for graduation.

Weevil:
What about the bitch part?

Veronica:
That depends on who you ask. How are you, Weevil? I haven't seen you...

Weevil:
Since that awkward arrested-for-murder incident? Yeah! I remember.

Veronica:
You plea bargained down to assault?

Weevil:
And now I'm working at the car wash. Which, as it turns out, is not as fun as the song might sound.

Veronica:
I bet you'd be pretty psyched if I found someone who could help.

Keith:
My level of psyched would depend on the someone.

Veronica:
Eli Navarro. Remember?

Keith:
You mean Weevil? Oh, Veronica, please.

Veronica:
Dad, I'm serious.

Keith:
Oh, I don't know, all those times I arrested him, he never struck me as great secretary material. Didn't he get busted for murder?

Veronica:
Assault.

Keith:
See, so he's not even a very good murderer.

Logan:
While I appreciate the interest, Big Brother, I hope -

Veronica:
Wow, a 1984 reference. Did you read that in weightlifting?

Logan:
You know, your dad was half right. You have a thing for bad boys, but you don't want to reform them. You just get off on judging them.

Veronica:
Which reminds me: can I borrow your copy of 101 Brooding Comments?

Logan:
I only have the Cliff Notes. Look, I've got to run, so to save you the trouble, I'm surfing in Mexico with Dick and Mercer this weekend. I'll fax you the coordinates so you don't incur any more cell-tracking charges, and I'll keep a journal of my bad thoughts in case you want to stick my face in a cage of rats when we get back. Sorry, 1984 is the only book I read.

Logan:
Is this the help desk? 'Cause I need a little help.

Veronica:
Let me guess: you have this pathologically suspicious girlfriend and you hope maybe there's a guidebook?

Logan:
No, it's more like, uh... what's beyond pathological?

Veronica:
This is a bad idea.

Keith:
No, it's not.

Veronica:
You only think it's not because you came up with it.

Keith:
Ergo, how could it be bad? Math, sweetie. Me + idea = good.

Logan:
You were expecting Sidney Poitier?

Veronica:
No jokes. No innuendos, no quips. Don't even think of alluding to having seen me naked or having touched any part of my body that does not have fingers.

Logan:
Can I mention that my eyes adored you? I got it. No calling you Bobcat, no talk of milky thighs.

Veronica:
Go home.

Logan:
Veronica. Don't worry. I wont say anything bad.

Veronica:
Dick, why are you here?

Dick:
You saw that article about the Pi Sig house, right? That girl Claire gets raped after one of our parties, and suddenly, school's all in a bunch. There's like this hearing scheduled to try to get us kicked off campus, and that's where you come in.

Veronica:
I get to do the kickin'?

Dick:
You get to be the spy who loves me. The guys were really impressed with how you cleared the frat of the rape last year.

Veronica:
Were they? That means so little.

Dick:
They knew we had, like, this connection. So, they sent me here to hire you. We need you to do your Veronica thing and prove it's a pack of lies.

Veronica:
Is it? A pack of lies?

Dick:
We're a frat. Why rape the cow when you're swimming in free milk?

Veronica:
[voiceover] When entering a frat house full of accused rapists, the pant suit is a solid wardrobe choice. It's fashion's way of saying, "Move along. Nothing to see here."

[Veronica encounters the Pi Sig frat approaching in a group.]

Veronica:
Hello, Chip… Dick… faceless Star Trek crew members…

Weevil:
Any big Halloween plans?

Veronica:
Oh, you know, the usual: slapping on my sexy nurse duds and rolling tweeners for their chocolate.

Lamb:
Well, well, what do we have here? An illegal gambling establishment. Underaged drinking. [sees Logan and Veronica hugging] Public displays of affection. [shivers] It's like Sodom and Gomorrah in here.

Veronica:
Where's Lilly's necklace?

Weevil:
Someone left a bracelet in my bed last week. Or wait, was it a hoop earring...

Veronica:
I'm not playing with you.

Weevil:
Don't you get it? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Veronica:
Oh, you don't, huh? Let me spell it out: I tell you about a working on-campus casino. Six hours later, it's held up by a guy, your size, wearing a mask, who happens to be covered in a thin film of drywall dust and the stench of Drakkar cologne.

Weevil:
My cologne stinks? So, all this play I've been getting is from pure sex appeal?

Veronica:
You just told my classmates that your old life of crime was calling. You just asked me about Lilly's necklace.

Weevil:
I can't believe you'd think I'd do that - to you - after all we've been through.

Veronica:
After all we've been through, can you really blame me?

Lamb:
[to Logan] Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!

Veronica:
[voice over] Hello, square one, nice to see you again.

Veronica:
Did you just make a Jane Austen reference? It's official, the end of days are upon us.

Veronica:
[knocks] Wallace?

Wallace:
Not here.

Veronica:
And you would be?

Wallace:
Evil Wallace. And I know Veronica Mars doesn't hang with the evil and morally bankrupt.

Tim Foyle:
You think it's me? You think I'm trying to get you out of Landry's class because I don't like you?

Veronica:
Wait, you don't like me?

Logan:
It's Mercer. Lamb just arrested him for the rapes on campus. He didn't do it. You have to help.

Veronica:
How do you know he didn't do it?

Logan:
Cause I was with him the night of the rape this summer.

Veronica:
Where? Doing what?

Logan:
I can't tell you OK? But you have to trust me. He's innocent.

Veronica:
You're going on a date with a married woman.

Keith:
It's not a date. We saw a movie, had a drink, and talked.

Veronica:
Which is a date.

Veronica:
[voiceover] The man who would be my mentor. Mr. Popular. Just another on the list of men who disappoint.

Veronica:
Maybe I don't want to know what you were up to.

Logan:
When have you ever not wanted to know anything?

Veronica:
Care to share what you two free-spirited lads were up to? I'll give you a hint: it was squalid.

Mercer:
Logan has good reason to keep that to himself. But you shouldn't worry; he's a solid guy. I mean, I'd want him to be my boyfriend, if I swung that way.

Veronica:
Give it time, you just got here.

Veronica:
Look Dad, do what you gotta do, okay? I've seen too much working here to ever be surprised again.

Keith:
I know you, Veronica. You're not that jaded.

Veronica:
I didn't used to be. I had this one shining example that gave me some faith.

Veronica:
[voiceover] So what would Stan Marsh say in a situation like this? I think we all learned a valuable lesson about faith. You give it to the people you love. But the people who really deserve it are the ones who come through, even when you don't love them enough.

Veronica:
I'm off to steal the souls of the rich with my evil image capturing device.

Keith:
Have fun.

Logan:
Why can't you for once just leave things alone?

Veronica:
Okay, now you're starting to piss me off.

Logan:
[yelling] Frankly, Veronica, so what? You're not invincible, and you're not always right.

Keith:
Hey! You might want to stop yelling at my daughter.

Logan:
Yeah? You might want to start.

Dick:
So, not only did Chip get Kojak'd, someone put a Roman numeral on one of those little plastic Easter eggs, and stuck it in his… where-the-sun-don't-shine place. And you know where that is.

Veronica:
Worst. Easter Egg Hunt. Ever.

Veronica:
Side question: what do you know about Patrice Petrelli?

Hallie:
God! What's with all the questions? What's next - do you wanna know where I buried Jimmy Hoffman?

Veronica:
Dustin's brother?

Veronica:
That's all sweet and great, but it doesn't really work that way. It's not like this is all some new facet of my personality. You know who I am. You know what I do.

Logan:
And?

Veronica:
And this isn't gonna change. And if you can't accept that, this isn't gonna work.

Logan:
And you know who I am. And you're constantly expecting me to change. [she looks at him dumbfounded] And even right now as you're thinking, "Crap, he's got a point," you still think you're ultimately right. I love you Veronica. I love you. [after no response] Do you love me?

Veronica:
Yeah.

Logan:
Then can we try to go a little easier on each other?

Veronica:
Yeah. I think that's a good idea.

Logan:
[hugs her] So are we okay?

Veronica:
Yeah, we're okay.

[Dick moons the women activists' float as they celebrate the fall of the Greek system.]

Veronica:
Great job, Dick. I'm sure you won that debate.

Logan:
Well, he's a master debater.

Veronica:
Something wrong?

Logan:
I can't do this anymore, Veronica. [Veronica looks at him in confusion] You know, I've been thinking... this isn't working. And I don't think I quite measure up to the person you want me to be and... I just can't take feeling like a disappointment anymore.

Veronica:
Logan, I don't...

Logan:
[interrupts her] Wait, let me get this out okay? The other thing... you told me you weren't built to let people help you.

Veronica:
That's not exactly what I said...

Logan:
It's close. And you know what? I'm not built to stand on the sidelines. [Veronica nods] And I think we have a choice. I think we can take a tough, but survivable amount of pain now...or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. So I vote for the pain now. [They both start to tear up] But I'm always here... if you need anything. [kisses her on the forehead] But you never need anything.

Veronica:
Howdy, boys. Anyone up for going to a Pi Sig blowout? [Wallace and Piz look unimpressed] Beer and ladies and music...and other stuff guys like, I'm sure? Fast cars, loose slots, electronic gadgetry? Televised sports? Pornography? Nothing? None of this grabs you?

Piz:
We were already planning on going.

Wallace:
I think everybody at Hearst is gonna be there.

Veronica:
Awesome. Then you can help me out.

Wallace:
Suddenly, it sounds like a lot less fun.

Mac:
Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the stone age, fifty keg bacchanalia?

Veronica:
Sounds like fun, right?

Mac:
Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my porn star tube top.

Veronica:
Please, Mac. I could really use the help. [goes down on her knees, begging]

Mac:
...Resistance is futile.

Mercer:
Unicorns? Really? Well, we'll definitely be needing some mood music. You know, techno has a bad reputation, but I think it's undeserved. Groan if you disagree. Good. We're on the same page. It's unfortunate that when you wake up, all you'll know is that your hair is gone...because it's gonna be good. I'd wager your best ever. And it's a me thing, I'm sorry to say. I...have no patience. I mean, if I'd met you in a bar or at a party, I would have had you back here and on your back in an hour. But that's an hour of my life I would have never had back, an hour of listening to you talk about unicorns and your high-school boyfriend and how you hate the taste of beer. I'm just taking what you would have happily given. I mean, that's hardly a crime.

[Mac arrives with two people in white lab coats.]

Veronica:
Mac! And the people coming to take me away.

[The trio mentions the missing monkey and lab rats.]

Veronica:
Monkey?

Mac:
As in "touch my".

[Talking about relationships]

Veronica:
Like why bother with something that's not good, cause if it's not good -

Piz:
It's bad. Exactly. But these guys were like, 'as long as she's got a pair of-' [makes a motion for breasts and Veronica gives him a look] You know, it was indelicate.

Veronica:
What's indelicate about shoes?

Piz:
[laughs] But I figure, you know I know what I like. Why waste my time?

Veronica:
Like why bother with something that's not good, just because it's something?

Piz:
Especially when you know the difference. Which not many people do. I mean, do you?

Veronica:
I - I think I do.

Piz:
You see I think it's like 90% of life, just knowing the difference.

Lamb:
Always looking for a crime where there isn't one. Think you need a new hobby, Keith.

Keith:
Oh, I don't know. I find solving an investigation very relaxing. You should give it a try some time.

Veronica:
Brian and Fred, as demented as this sounds, thought you'd have more confidence with girls if you... lost your virginity.

Max:
I'm gonna go kill my friends now, so, if you could just leave me a bill.

Max:
Can you still find her?

Veronica:
Um... yes. But she'll still be a prostitute.

Max:
I'm not stupid, Veronica, okay? We had something, I know it. There are some things you can't fake.

Veronica:
And there are some things women are universally known for faking, and this girl is a professional.

Max:
When I dropped her off at the airport, she had tears in her eyes.

Veronica:
Are you sure she wasn't thinking of the cab fare back?

[Veronica does an online search for Max's hooker based on his nerdy friends' description.]

Veronica:
It's like a Zagat guide for hookers. How did people find sex before there was an Internet?

Veronica:
I just want to get to a place with you where we can be really... intimate.

Logan:
That's what the female praying mantis says before she bites the male's head off.

Logan:
Jeans, bold choice. Hope the maitre'd is fashion forward.

Veronica:
Did you and Madison have sex over winter break?

[Logan looks at Veronica and doesn't respond]

Veronica:
I asked you point blank--

Logan:
And I lied. Point blank. It wasn't information that you had a right to know. I knew you wouldn't be able to deal with the Madison thing.

Veronica:
Which 'thing' are you talking about? The 'she roofied me thing' or the thing 'when I stumbled to my car in the morning wondering where my virginity was and she had written slut on my windshield'? Was that what you thought I couldn't deal with? I am so genuinely sick right now. If I could've eaten anything today I'd be throwing up all over your floor.

Logan:
We were broken up at the time.

Veronica:
You know how I feel about her! There is no way that at some point while it was happening you weren't thinking about how much I'd hate you being with her.

Logan:
It wasn't like that.

Veronica:
No? Do you want another variation cause I have a million sickening scenarios running on a loop right now.

Logan:
I wasn't trying to hurt you.

Veronica:
Oh no. Really? Imagine if you tried.

Logan:
What do you want me to do? What can I do?

Veronica:
Make it not true. Get it out of my head and never let me think about it again. Cause unless you can do that, this is something I'm never getting past.

Veronica:
I can't believe these people. They sit up in a building with their telephoto lens and take pictures of people in their most private, personal moments. That's disgusting.

Keith:
Ah, honey, that's how we pay the rent.

Rev. Capistrano:
Try to be forgiving. It's the only way. Anger will tear you down. It'll make you less of the person that you want to be. And it will tear apart your soul. The Bible teaches us that he who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit can capture a city. He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

Note from Keith:
"If you've eaten any of this breakfast, you now owe me. Invoices have to go out today. See you at the office."

Veronica:
And I always fall for it.

Dick:
So, in other news, I met this girl a couple weeks ago at a party. Hot! Like, volcanic hot. Like, I might have to use an oven mitt to feel her up. Blink if you understand. She's coming here tonight, and she's bringing her sister, who, I might add, she described as practically her twin. By the way, I did a little research on pathetic sad sackery, and "hot sister" is the recommended treatment.

Logan:
No, thanks.

Dick:
You sure? We're thinking about going to the swim team's beach blanket blow-out. You can wear your t-shirt that says, "I'd rather be home crying."

Dick:
Dude, you're not helping.

Logan:
I'm aware of that.

Dick:
I live here, too, you know. This is my home. People walk in, they don't think, "this little clean area is Dick's, and the hidden bottles of urine are Logan's." They think "Silence of the Lambs basement," and their desire to get naked near me takes a nose dive. You're lucky you're rich. This would be completely disgusting.

Veronica:
Hey, Weevil, I'm trying to have a word with whoever's running the PCHers these days, and I was hoping you might be able to hook me up.

Weevil:
Sure thing. Let me just call my parole officer and give him a heads-up I'll be cavorting with known criminals.

Weevil:
I don't know what to say. Gang kids are usually quite punctual.

Veronica:
It's all right. Part of me actually hopes they don't show.

Weevil:
Veronica Mars, scared of a few bikers? Not even a quarter college-educated and already you're square as-

Veronica:
It's not the bikers, per se. It's more what they represent.

Weevil:
I rest my case.

Veronica:
If they show, they probably didn't do it, which would look not so good for Josh. If they don't show, there's a good chance they did it.

Weevil:
Maybe they're here to confess.

Keith:
I need to see the sheriff.

Deputy Sachs:
I don't know, Keith. He looks kind of busy.

Keith:
Well, that's something I gotta see.

Veronica:
Actually, that's just why I'm in jail: To avoid Valentines Day.

Cliff:
Who wants out of jail?

Veronica:
I do! I do!

Sheriff Lamb:
I know you from somewhere.

Wallace:
Yeah, you told me to go see the Wizard and ask him for some guts.

Sheriff Lamb:
Well, did you?

Wallace:
Yeah. [smirks] He said to let you know that you're the only sheriff in America that he considers a true Friend of Dorothy.

Keith:
Honey...why is there a pistol in the freezer?

Veronica:
Because there's this guy, see, and I want to put him on ice. Because revenge is a dish best served cold. Because I want to commit murder in the 28th degree?

Keith:
Stop.

[In the cafeteria, Veronica looks bemused as Wallace reports on Logan and Parker's lunchtime tête-à-tête.]

Wallace:
What?

Veronica:
I'm just trying to figure out which Gilmore girl you are.

Veronica:
If you're wondering where I am, I'm hanging out outside a convenience store, eating corn nuts and watching strippers.

Keith:
Are you doing drugs?

Veronica:
No.

Keith:
Good.

[Veronica finds Tim checking a computer with gloved hands.]

Veronica:
Nice gloves. You heading to the parlor to strangle Colonel Mustard after this?

Tim:
: We're breaking and entering. I can't leave prints.

Veronica:
Use your sleeve! It's less creepy.

Logan:
Mars!

Veronica:
We're on a last name basis now? We've skipped right over androgynous nicknames.

Logan:
I tried calling you "Chuckles", but it didn't stick.

Veronica:
Man, you get everyone to confess.

Keith:
I think it's the uniform. Do you have anything to confess?

Veronica:
Yes. You embarrass me.

Veronica:
8 a.m. - shouldn't you be in a wet suit somewhere?

Logan:
Early Poli. Sci.

Veronica:
And you're actually going?

Logan:
Yeah, I even bought this amazing pen that accents text in neon colors.

Veronica:
Ah, a highlighter.

Logan:
Lots of advancements since the last time I buckled down.

Logan:
What about you?

Veronica:
"Violence in early adolescence."

Logan:
Need me to autograph your textbook?

Veronica:
Thanks, but...

Logan:
Hey, by the way, I am throwing I birthday party for Parker this weekend. I've been studying up too. I watched My Super Sweet Sixteen. That reminds me, do you know where I can get about a dozen eunuchs?

Veronica:
Not offhand, but I could make some calls.

Keith:
Hello, Stosh. What do you say we head out, have a few beers?

Piz:
That's one of those trick questions, isn't it?

Keith:
I got some new IDs for you. Wallace. [hands Wallace and Piz their new IDs]

Piz:
This picture is Jon Bon Jovi.

Keith:
Yes. It is.

Wallace:
Biggie Smalls? We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars.

Keith:
I know that, Wallace. Now, let's go out and get our drink on.

Veronica:
Nothing says "I'm over you" like dating down.

[Max and Mac are laughing and hitting it off]

Max:
Okay, seriously, did my friends hire you?

Veronica:
So...Piz didn't say anything about the whole party...thing?

Wallace:
Like how you two made out in the hall and then you took off? Why? Is he calling you all the time?

Veronica:
He called once. The day after. But...how would you interpret his mood?

Wallace:
You want me to have this talk? Am I a twelve year old girl?

Veronica:
No...but you're drinking Fresca and watching Joan Crawford movies.

Mac:
Is the eggplant good?

Spaghetti Server:
It's okay.

Mac:
How about that stuff?

Spaghetti Server:
It's good.

Mac:
It's probably horrible for you, right? I'll stay with the eggplant. No, wait - what do you think? [pause] I need to see a psychiatrist.

Veronica:
I was thinking more an English professor. What we're dealing with her is an absurd level of symbolism. [to server] Two lasagnas.

Spaghetti Server:
Okay.

Mac:
Symbolism?

Veronica:
I mean, the Bronson Parmigiana is good for me, but, ooh! The Maxuccine looks awfully tempting.

Mac:
It's not my fault Max won't stop calling. Like you should talk.

Veronica:
Me? I'm not ordering good boy while wishing I ordered bad boy.

Mac:
No, you gave up bad boy, but keep asking for samples of good boy.

Veronica:
No, I - wait, what?

Mac:
Okay, if Logan is the fettucine... [cellphone rings]

Veronica:
It's the eggplant.

Mac:
And his role in this enterprise?

Dick:
Consultant. I'm an ass expert.

Logan:
Yes, except for the expert part.

Dick:
I'm an ass? Who would you ask for advice about lions, a lion or a gerbil? Gerbil, you say? No, you would ask a lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions. So... Okay. I don't see how you hope to launch a website about hot asses without me, but fine. It's Friday night. If I walk long enough in a straight line, I'll hit a party.

Wallace:
So, are you surviving?

Veronica:
Surviving what?

Wallace:
Helping Piz. You know, his puppy dog eyes on you all the time.

Veronica:
It's weird. Like you said, normal Piz. Like nothing ever happened.

Wallace:
[amused] Which bothers you, because making out with you is supposed to be some life-changing experience.

Veronica:
I don't know. I just... Why are we talking about this?

Wallace:
I thought you liked these kind of conversations.

Veronica:
No.

Wallace:
I was hoping we could follow it up with a cuteness countdown of the Baldwin brothers.

Veronica:
I hope we're still friends after I Taser you.

Max:
[showing Mac how his term-paper website works.] For the dumb, billable links at the top, disguised as functions.

Mac:
So they link without realizing.

Max:
And I make a dollar. See, the point of the Internet is to make money off of stupid people.

Logan:
I like how you think, Max.

Mac:
That sound you hear is my idealism quietly shattering.

Max:
That other sound you hear is my cynicism laughing at your idealism shattering.

Mac:
Well, it won't be laughing when I crash your greedy little evil website.

Max:
I'll be laughing when you try.

Mac:
Will you? Maybe I'm in your trusted-host table already.

Logan:
Should I get a camera? There's gotta be someone out there that'd pay to see this hot nerd-on-nerd action.

Veronica:
You realize you're the radio-host version of a rock star, right? I don't know what the groupie procedure is for this scenario, but I might have to throw my panties at you.

Piz:
Or I could autograph you. I believe we have some Sharpies lying around.

Veronica:
Tell your roommate I came by hoping to kill time between classes getting to second base with someone, and then left unsatisfied.

Wallace:
He's a good guy, Veronica. Try not to rip out his heart.

Mac:
[sighs] I have to, have to, have to go to my morning classes tomorrow. I'm getting lost in the "sex-nap-eat-repeat" loop. I'm in the porn version of Groundhog Day.

Max:
"Poundhog Day"?

[In an evening walk, Mac confides to Veronica her dismay about her relationship with Max.]

Mac:
Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. Kills more brain cells than crystal meth. How's your cell count these days?

Veronica:
Mmmm, I can still do long division, but I can't quite remember all the continents.

Mac:
So, Pizneyland is the happiest place on Earth?

Veronica:
Happy enough. There's no rollercoaster, but I think I can do without the adrenaline and nausea.

Kizza:
I'm looking for detective Mars.

Veronica:
I'm detective Mars.

Kizza:
But you're just a girl. You're a teenager.

Veronica:
A girl, a teenager, and a private detective - I'm a triple threat. Barely fits on my business card.

Veronica:
I just hope Piz isn't planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It's not like I'm taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It's the FBI. The F. B. I.

Mac:
At the very least, Piz should think it's hot.

Veronica:
Actually, he does think it's pretty hot. He'd just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune.

Mac:
He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger.

Veronica:
And if he didn't care, I'd probably be complaining about that...to my girlfriend...while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. I'm a girl!

Veronica:
What?

Mac:
Miss Mars uses Venus razor.

Veronica:
Because if she doesn't, her legs look like Pluto's.

Mac:
And she's down-to-earth to boot.

Veronica:
I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.

Mac:
I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.

Veronica:
Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hm.

Veronica:
Hey, you never told me what happened with your whole man crush thing.

Mac:
Wallace has a man crush?

Piz:
The man crush isn't me, is it?

Veronica:
Some guy following him around campus. Is it Piz?

Piz:
So, what's the protocol for a plane christening? I mean, does someone get to, like, smash the, uh, Sea Monkey with a miniature bottle of champagne?

Wallace:
The protocol? Pray to whatever god you believe in she flies. Otherwise, my ass is grass.

Veronica:
Orville Wright's exact words, if I recall.

Piz:
I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd.

Mac:
Wait, you have an inner one?

Veronica:
I guess you're all asking yourself why I called this meeting. [pause] What? That's comedy gold

Patrick:
She knows about my dad's company.

Veronica:
And I know that Leon's cryptography research wasn't really stolen. Let's see one guy to steal the machine one guy to program it and everyone to point the finger at the ex-con maintenance guy and the injustice league strikes again

Patrick:
Who are you calling?

Veronica:
The surgeon general.

Jenny:
She's calling her dad, the sheriff.

Veronica:
Good call Jenny, see you're not just here for your looks.

Patrick:
Hang up please we can work this out you can be one of us.

Veronica:
Is this where you turn me into a vampire?

Patrick:
We can make it worth your while.

Veronica:
All right I'm listening.

Patrick:
So what is that maintenance guy paying you anyway?

Veronica:
Cash.

Patrick:
Don't turn us in can give you your very own Hearst ID.

Veronica:
Oh I have one, thanks.

Patrick:
This one is the everlasting gobstopper of spending money ,you'll never have to pay for another textbook, another ticket to a campus performance, another meal.

Veronica:
Assuming that I want to eat meals in the food court for the rest of my life, besides you're lying, you don't have the machine you left it in the locker next to Mr. Navarro's

Jenny:
There's a third one.

Leon:
I've already programmed it.

Patrick:
The only reason we got busted is cause we used stupid aliases we get new cards, generic names and we don't get caught again.

Jenny:
You're a scholarship kid right.

Patrick:
Yeah its gotta be really tough paying for all those meals and textbooks.

Veronica:
It is which is why a bunch of kids who can afford to ski in Aspen getting their kicks by ripping off my school and blaming it on the nearest kid from the wrong side of the tracks pisses me off so much.

Patrick:
You think that ski picture is proof, that doesn't prove anything.

Veronica:
But this conversation does.

[begins to play a recording of the conversation on her phone]

Veronica:
I wont bore you with the rest but I'll bet it means jail time, or if you'd prefer you can go throw yourselves at the mercy of the campus police I'm sure they'll be more merciful than my dad, especially after he finds that third machine in one of your dorm rooms.

Jenny:
Like we keep it in a dorm room.

Veronica:
If I don't hear by tomorrow that the charges against my client have been dropped by tomorrow afternoon I'm taking everything I've got to the finest sheriff's department in Balboa county. And try to keep it down in here, okay, it's a library.

Veronica:
Dick? Get out here.

Dick:
What's up, V?

Veronica:
If you had to bet?

Dick:
Look, from a guy's perspective, the video just made your stock go up. You looked great. Enthusiasm - always a plus-

Veronica:
It's like you're this giant jackass piñata begging for someone to beat the candy out of you. Where'd you get the video?

Dick:
Someone e-mailed it to me.

Veronica:
Who? Get your computer.

Dick:
I probably deleted-

Veronica:
After all these years, do you not instinctively fear me? Maybe you should write yourself a note. You forwarded it to your whole address book?

Dick:
It was instinct. I always forward porn when it's good.

Veronica:
You are going to be so popular in Hell.

Veronica:
Chip, a moment of your time.

Chip:
I'm kinda in the middle of something.

Veronica:
It's a cluster of morons, don't worry they'll let you back in.

Chip:
You know what I like about you, you got spirit.

Veronica:
I want to talk to you.

Chip:
That's what you're doing.

Veronica:
Could you put your head up your ass before they stuck the egg in there or is this new?

Chip:
What do you want.

Veronica:
Who sent you the video.

Chip:
Don't know, don't care.

Veronica:
You don't care now, but holy crap are you gonna care when I start to get my revenge on, you'll be doin' all sorts of caring.

Mac:
Let me explain something, Veronica. I own the most powerful personal computer on campus. There is no personal computer faster or better than mine at Hearst. And using this incredible computer of mine, it will take twenty years to crack Jake Kane's password on this hard drive.

Veronica:
So how do we do it?

Mac:
You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan. You refuse to believe in the no-win scenario.

Veronica:
You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references.

Gory:
If you have proof that I'm involved in some way, maybe you should get a lawyer. If you don't, maybe you should just stay and have a drink.

Veronica:
Yeah. I'm definitely gonna need a drink. Perhaps twelve. I don't know, how many does it usually take for a girl to find you not gross?

Veronica:
Hey, Nish. I've got a present for you.

Nish:
You're transferring?

Veronica:
A list. The names of every member of the Castle. All men. You think this will help with that lawsuit?

Nish:
Oh, my God. Politicians. Tycoons. Celebrities. This is gold. You're gonna make some very powerful men very unhappy.

Veronica:
Won't be the first time.