Victorious, Season 1

[In Tori's house]

Tori:
Let's see, the bread mold.

Ian:
Bread mold.

Tori:
Furry.

Ian :
Furry.

Tori:
Mushy.

Ian :
Mushy.

Tori:
Next, The fish mold.

Ian:
Fish mold.

Tori:
Spongy.

Ian:
Spongy.

Tori:
(Smells the fish mold) Stinky.

Trina:
[enters] I am so upset! (slams door) You wont believe who i got partnered with for the big showcase.

Tori:
Who?

Trina:
Andrew Harris, a 10th grader!

Ian:
What's the big showcase?

Tori:
It's a performance they put on at her school "every" year where they...

Trina:
[cutting in] They invite agents and directors and producers and other super powerful people in showbusiness and it's extremely important to me, which is why I am very upset, and [dramatically] goooooodbyeeeee.

Tori:
Hey! Him and i have a science project due tomorrow. I have to turn in my mold bush.

Trina:
So Andrew is coming over and he's got to help us figure out what I'm going to be doing in the big showcase. I DEFINITELY want to sing, (sings off key) How was that?

Tori:
Loud!

Trina:
Awesome. (doorbell rings) He's here. (she walks to answer the door, Tori follows) STAY! (Trina answers the door) Come in!

Andre:
Thanks.

Trina:
Tori,that's Andrew

Andre:
Andre.

Tori:
Hey.

Andre:
You go to Hollywood Arts, too?

Tori:
Ohh no, I'm not a performer. Just my sister.

Trina:
Yep, I've got the talent and she's got the strong teeth. You know, she's never had one cavity.

Tori:
I try not to brag about it. (Andre walks to the piano)

Andre:
Ooh, nice piano! (plays)

Tori:
Oh, my god! You're fantastic!

Trina:
He's okay. (Andre sniffs Tori's hand)

Tori:
Fish mold. (Andre drops Tori's hand)

Tori's Slap Update:
5 DAYS helping Trina and Andre rehearse. Trina's driving me INSANE!

Andre (oh phone) No, Grandma, listen...there is no way that you can drown at my school...you're not going to fall in a toilet...(pretends to lose signal) look...look I got to...I'LL CALL YOU LATER! (hangs up)

Tori:
Your grandmother's coming to the big showcase?

Andre:
Yeah its going to be the first time she's left the house in six years.

Tori:
Why?

Andre:
The woman is afraid of everything - people, umbrellas, Rabbis, bikinis, breakfast foods.

Tori:
So if she saw a Rabbi in a bikini eating pancakes...

Andre:
The woman would burst into flames.

Trina:
(off screen) You guys, come on!

Tori:
Back to rehearsal.

Andre:
Lets go.

Trina:
(in a light blue dress) So? What do you think? (turns around) Fabulous, right?

Tori:
You really need to wear that just to rehearse?

Trina:
A performer needs to feel the part to be the part!

Tori:
I thought we talked about not tapping my nose anymore.

Trina:
(laughs) Okay, we got the comedy stuff down, so let's start with my song.

Andre:
And by your song, I'm guessing you mean the song that I wrote.

Trina:
No one cares who wrote the song! (laughs) Now, go. (Andre plays first notes) SLOWER!

(Andre is startled)

Trina:
(off-key) You don't have to be afraid to put your dreams in action! You'll never gonna fade...

Tori:
Trina?

Trina ...you'll be the - WHAT?!

Tori:
I-I think Andre was right! You should let him play the song in a faster tempo!

Trina:
No, it has to be a power ballad! So, all the important people can hear my range! And vocal clarity!

Tori:
But, I just think -

Trina:
No, just take it from "When I make it shine."

(Andre continues playing)

Trina:
(off-key) When I make it shine! (holds note) Well?

Andre:
Do you have any asprin?

(Tori gives a handful of asprin)

Tori's Slap Update:
Ditching school - going to Trina's BIG SHOWCASE!!!

Tori:
Oh, hi! You're Andre's grandmother?

Charlotte:
I don't know you! (hides)

(Trina's screaming in pain in the background)

Lane:
(walks down the aisle) Excuse me, you're Trina's parents?

David:
Yes.

Mrs. Vega:
Why?

Lane:
Please come with me.

(The Vega's follow Lane, Charlotte peers out from behind seats)

Nurse Kotter:
Just - just keep your mouth open!

Trina:
(muffled) That is so not helping!

Lane:
Here she is.

Mrs Vega:
Trina!

David:
What happened?!

Trina:
Look at my tounge It's massive!

Tori:
Oh, my god, it's huge!

Trina:
Somebody do something!

Mr. Vega:
Are you the school nurse?

Nurse Kotter:
Yeah. Does anybody know how this happened?

Tori:
The chinese erb gergle!

Lane:
Whoa, whoa! She can't go on stage wearing that!

Tori:
Excuse me?!

Cat:
You guys, Sikowitz really wants everybody back to class.

Rex:
And you really wanted a date to the prom last year, but you didn't get one, did you?

Cat:
What's that supposed to mean?!?!

Robbie:
Rex!

Cat:
Tell your puppet to quit being mean to me!

Jade:
uh-oh looks like this dog has bugs in her fur.

Tori:
uh woof.

Eli and Cat:
ew!

Jade:
aw it's okay i read on the internet that coffee works great for getting rid of fur bugs.

Andre:
i don't think you wanna Jade.

Jade:
what's the prob dog?

Cat:
My name's Cat.

Tori:
Like the animal!

Cat:
What's that supposed to mean?!

Tori:
Nothing! I...I love cats.

Cat:
Oh, me too! They're so cute. [walks off]

Tori:
my dad is a cop!

lady:
get her under the screen to get undressed come on.

Lane:
just the girls.

dress manager:
here where is she?

Lane:
in there put it on.

Sinjin:
headset.

Lane:
put this on her head.

Tori:
that's not my head!

André:
This school's not normal.

Tori:
Really?

André:
You're not normal either. I've seen what you can do on stage. You're special. You're fantastic. You belong at this school. [starts to walk off, then looks at her again] Normal's boring. [Cat shows up]

Cat:
It's true!

Tori:
That normal's boring?

Cat:
No, that no one asked me to the prom.

Tori:
Please go take a shower.

Jade:
Quit telling me what to do.

Beck:
Relax, girls. Let's all try to get along.

Cat:
Totally!

Sikowitz:
[makes a buzzing noise] Cat, your line had to start with the letter S.

"'Cat:
Salami!

Sikowitz:
Nope. Too late now.

Cat:
Oh, my life's the worst!

Sikowitz:
Here's a piece of candy.

Cat:
Yay! I love candy! [gets off stage, takes the candy and sits next to Robbie]

Sikowitz:
All right. André, letter "S" to you.

André:
Uh, something just bit my toe!

Tori:
Turtle! That turtle just bit his toe!

Jade:
Unbelievable that you're even here.

Beck:
Very immature of you to say that.

André:
Uh-

Sikowitz:
Come on, André! W!

André:
What if the turtle bite, broke my toe bone?

Tori:
X-rays are the only way to find out.

Jade:
You should shut up.

Beck:
Zap! I just healed your toe with my magic finger.

André:
Thanks.

Sikowitz:
[makes a buzzing noise] André, your line had to start with a letter A. Sit down!

André:
[gets off stage] Aw, and I just got my toe bone fixed. [sits down]

Sikowitz:
Tori, the letter "A" to you.

Tori:
Aliens are the only ones that can heal toes by finger zapping.

Jade:
By the way, [blows a raspberry at Tori].

(Tori rolls her eyes)

Beck:
Correct, I am an alien.

(Tori gasps)

Sikowitz:
Ooh, a twist!

Tori:
Don't hurt me! Please?

Jade:
Even though she's extremely annoying!

Beck:
Fainting...'cause I can't breathe...your Earth's air. [falls dramatically on the ground]

Tori:
Gosh, it fainted!

Sikowitz:
Excellent! Tori and Jade, keep going! The next letter's H!

Jade:
Hey why don't you jump off that cliff over there?

Tori:
I think you should.

Jade:
Just where did you come from?

Tori:
Kangaroos.

Jade:
Lousy animals, kangaroos. They're awkward and dirty.

Tori:
Maybe they've learned from you.

[The class oohs and gasps in astonishment.]

Jade:
[shocked] No one talks to me like that.

Tori:
Obviously someone should.

Jade:
Please run in front of a bus!

Tori:
Quite obnoxious of you to say.

Jade:
Really?

Tori:
Sure was.

Jade:
Thanks!

Tori:
Up your nose I see boogers.

Jade:
Very clever.

Tori:
Wish you thought of that?

Jade:
X marks the spot I'd like to punch! [points her finger at Tori]

Tori:
Your finger smells weird!

Jade:
Zero is what you are on a scale from one to ten.

Sikowitz:
And back to the letter A!

Tori:
As if I care what you think!

Jade:
Better watch yourself.

Tori:
Can't take it?

Jade:
Don't push me!

Tori:
Eat your pants!

Jade:
You eat your pants! [realizes what she said] Wait!

Sikowitz:
[makes a buzzing noise] Sorry, Jade! The next letter was-

Jade:
F! I KNOW! [turns angrily at Tori then walks off and sits down]

(Beck begins to wake)

Sikowitz:
Keep this thing going!

Tori:
Get up alien! [helps Beck up]

Beck:
Head feels dizzy.

Tori:
I know what will make you feel better.

(Jade raises her eyebrows)

Beck:
Jumping jacks?

Tori:
Kiss me.

(Jade sits up)

Beck:
Let's do it.

[Tori and Beck kiss and the class claps.]

Tori:
Man, I love this school!

Sikowitz:
Okay, first I'd like to introduce our new student, Tori, and I'd like to thank Tori for her generous gift of two dollars, which she handed me outside this morning. Not necessary, but much appreciated.

André:
Why'd you give him two dollars?

Tori:
I thought he was homeless.

Jade:
Why are you rubbing my boyfriend?

Sikowitz:
Jade, kiss your boyfriend on your own time.

Jade:
Oh, I will...

Trina:
You know, you're actually not terrible. You're really going to quit Hollywood Arts?

Tori:
What do you think I should do?

Trina:
I think you should come back.

Tori:
Why?

Trina:
So I won't be known at school as the girl with the lame, little sister who quit on her first day...and I think you were really good in the Big Showcase.

Tori:
(Tori smiles) Thanks, Trina.

Trina:
But I would have been amazing!

Sikowitz:
Tori, you're back. You ever thought about coming in through the window?

Tori:
No.

Sikowitz:
Think about it.

Trina:
See, it's just a high school.

Tori:
Uh, this is not just a high school. These kids are all artsy and creative and talented and I'm just... normal.

Trina:
It's okay, there's nothing wrong with being average. Anyway, you're not alone. I got your back.

Tori:
Okay, though...

Friend:
Trina! Eric Paulson got his hair straightened!

Trina:
Shut up! Oh my god!

(Trina and her friend walk off speaking unintelligibly.)

Tori:
I'm alone!

André:
Hey, whatchu doin?

Tori:
Calling my mom to tell her I want to go back to my old school.

André:
Why?

Tori:
Cause I don't like having black coffee in my hair!

André:
Then I'll get you some cream and sugar. Everything'll be chill.

André:
No, Grandma, listen, there's no way you can drown at my school. Look... look... I gotta... I gotta... I g... I ca... I'll call you later!

Tori:
Your grandmother's coming to the Big Showcase?

André:
Yeah, it's gonna be the first time she's left the house in six years.

Tori:
Why?

André:
Cause the woman's afraid of everything. People, umbrellas, rabbis, bikinis, breakfast foods...

Tori:
So if she saw a rabbi in a bikini eating pancakes...

André:
The woman would burst into flames

André:
You go to Hollywood Arts too?

Tori:
Oh, no, I'm not a performer. Just my sister.

Trina:
Yep. I got the talent and she got the strong teeth. You know she's never had one cavity?

Tori:
I try not to brag about it.

Cat:
rex

Rex:
I never hit on you.

Cat:
What's THAT supposed to mean?

Tori:
You'll help me with the Bird Scene, won't you?

Robbie:
I'm really not supposed to, and-

Tori:
Ow! He bit my hand!

Robbie:
Rex!

Rex:
Take me to the bathroom, I gotta pee now. [Robbie runs off with him]

Tori:
He's a puppet, he can't pee!

Rex:
You don't know WHAT I got!

Tori:
Cat!

Cat:
Hey!

Tori:
You have to try something! (pulls out handcuffs)

Cat:
Handcuffs?

Tori:
Uhuh. Put them on your wrist. Good! Now, we lock the other part here.

Cat:
Fuuun!

Tori:
K now. Try this.

Cat:
(gasps) Oooh! Candy! (eats candy) Mmmm.. This is so ...so hot!! What are these?

Tori:
Choo Choo Peppers.

Cat:
Ch-Choo. Ugh! They're burning my mouth

Tori:
I know.. Want some water?

Cat:
Yes!!

Tor:
Tell me the secret in the bird scene.

Cat:
I cant and I need water!!

Tori:
Oh fine here. (leaves and doesn't uncuff Cat)

Cat:
(drinks water) Tori! Mmmm.. Water.

Sikowitz:
A true artist...need only please himself. [to Tori] Or...herself. [to Robbie and Rex] Or... itself.

Rex:
You don't know what I got!

Tori:
Ah, uh uh uh uh! I believe in my own choices and I don't need approval from others.

Beck:
Ah, the young female has learned the ways of the bird scene.

Jade:
I still think it's dull.

Tori:
Yeah? Well then maybe I should...make it shine. [presses a button and the locker lights up]

Sikowitz:
Drive-by acting exercise! You're all angry Englishmen, GO!

Robbie:
Ah! I insist you tell me who sat on me crumpet!

Jade:
My grandmummy went to the loo while I snogged the Prime Minister!

André:
This flock o' whippoorwills is botherin' my trousers!

Cat:
Good Heavens! There's a dead cockroach in my brassiere!

Rex:
Blimey!

Beck:
I told you not to put plum sauce on me banger

Sikowitz:
Happy birthday!

Cat:
Whose birthday is it?

Sikowitz:
Someone's... somewhere.

Cat:
Thats so true...

(Tori finishes the Bird Scene)

Sikowitz:
That...was impressive.

Tori:
So did I get it right?

Sikowitz Nope.

Tori :
But...but I just...I did too get it right!

Sikowitz:
Tori, listen...

Tori:
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but do you know how hard I worked on this scene? I made this costume, I downloaded special prairie music, I even trained that crazy cockatoo to fly in and out of that window on command! (cockatoo flies in) NOT NOW!!! (flies out again)

Sikowitz:
You see the bird, too?

Beck:
Yeah.

Sikowitz:
Fantastic.

Cat:
So let's hear your horn!

André:
Yeah, play that funky music, white girl.

Tori:
You know I'm half Latina.

André:
Then hit it, muchacha!

Jade:
And now Tori says "what's stage fighting?"

Tori:
I was not going to say that! (aside, to Andre) What is it?

Tori:
I'm a throat player!

Andre:
Doesn't count.

Cat:
And it sounds kinda gross...

Cat I wonder if mirrors work in outer space. (pause) Did you know the word "mirror" has only six letters in it, and half of them are r's?

Tori:
Oh great, so she gets an A-, and I get a broken eye and a black nose.

André:
I think you meant--

Tori:
I know what I meant.

Cat:
My dog has a black nose. It's so cute, it's like a baby meatball.

André:
Meatballs are brown.

Cat:
YOU'RE SO MEAN TO ME! [angrily takes her drink and walks off]

Tori:
...You want half her sandwich?

André:
Mm-hmm. [they both take half the sandwich Cat had before she left]

Jade:
I can't wait for our fight... scene

Derek:
Is that mac and cheese?

Tori:
Who cares?!

Derek:
Just wanted to know if it was mac and cheese...

Jade:
[comes in and looks at Tori. The two stare at eachother for a few seconds] ...I don't get it.

Tori:
What?

Jade:
I know Andre told you that I faked everything. The blood, the black eye- what is that, mac and cheese?

Derek:
Looks like it, right?

Cat:
Why'd you hit Jade in the face with a cane?

Tori:
I didn't!

Cat:
Ok, I believe you! Don't hit me!

Tori:
Well, it looked like he was hurting you.

Jade:
[suspiciously] Why do you care?

Tori:
Because I figured he already suffers enough pain dating you.

(Cat and Robbie come to see Tori)

Cat:
Hey, Tori!

Tori:
Yeah, hey, hi.

Cat:
Whatcha doin'?

Rex:
(to Tori) Hey, waddup, girl? You got a numb tongue?

(Tori looks at Rex)

Robbie:
(to Rex) Alright, that's a time out, mister!

(Cat and Robbie put Rex inside Robbie's backpack)

Rex:
No, no time out! Don't you put me in this backpack! I'm serious, Rob!

Andre:
(enters) Hey, what goes on?

Robbie:
We're going to get some iced coffee.

Andre:
(to Robbie) I thought caffeine makes you vibrate.

Robbie:
Sometimes it's nice.

(Robbie needs someone to help him with his Grandmother's computer)

Robbie:
Will one of you come with me?

Cat:
Sure, I love old people. It's so cute how they shake when they pour their juice.

Robbie:
Now, before I take you in there, I should warn you.

Cat:
About...?

Robbie:
My grandmother, she can be...critical.

Cat:
That's okay, I take criticism really well.

Robbie:
No, you don't.

Cat:
What's that supposed to mean?!?!

Robbie:
It's that you don't take criticism very well!

Cat:
WHY DON'T YOU JUST KICK ME IN THE FACE?!

Robbie:
I'm sorry, I take it back.

Cat:
(brightly) Okay.

(Robbie knocks on the door)

Mammaw:
I've got a gun!

Robbie:
No, Mamaw, it's me, Robbie!

(Mammaw opens the door)

Mammaw:
Hi.

Cat:
Hi.

Mammaw:
Come in. (whipsers to Robbie) is she your girlfriend?

Robbie:
No.

Mammaw:
Good, you could have better done better.

Mammaw:
[of Cat's hair] Why did you do that to your hair?

Cat:
What, you mean the color?

Mammaw:
Do you hate your mother?

Cat:
I love my mother!

Tori:
Oh, how about she's the whole reason why I got into Hollywood Arts?

André:
Now you're digging.

Tori:
Yay, I'm diggy.

Tori:
I wrote a song for you! I rehearsed it! With people! I performed it for you!

Trina:
... Yeah, I think you were a little flat on that last chorus. [Tori grabs her by her shirt] Oh! Can't hit your sister during her birthweek.

Mammaw:
A girl doesn't dye her hair that color unless she has psychological problems!

Cat:
My hair color has nothing to do with my psychological problems!

André:
You're gonna have to get her another present.

Tori:
I know that!

André:
Got a cheese guy...

Tori:
I'm NOT giving her cheese! ...Maybe I should just give up and accept the fact that I'm not gonna find anything good and Trina's gonna hate me for the next six months.

André:
I can't believe you hit me in the head.

Tori:
I can't believe you're not deep enough to appreciate a gift that totally came from my heart!

Trina:
A song is not a gift.

Tori:
It IS TOO!

Trina:
Can I wear a song? No. Can I eat a song? No. Can I flaunt a song and make people jealous, no, you failed.

Trina:
CAN I HAVE A COFFEE TOO?

Producers:
NO!

Andrè:
[to Trina] It's not good. [to himself] So good.

Jade:
You people give me a rash.

[Jade leaves table]

Rex:
(calling out) ... What kind of rash?

(Andre plays some music on his keyboard, which Tori finds quite catchy)

Tori:
That is cool.

André:
Now let's work on lyrics.

Tori:
Noooo, I don't wanna write lyrics. Play more stuff on your thingy.

Tori:
The song was your present!

Trina:
How much did it cost?

Tori:
It didn't cost money!

Trina:
(mockingly) Then it's not a present!

Jade:
Hey, Vega! Tori!

Tori:
What?

Jade:
Try this coffee and tell me what it tastes like. [Hands the cup to Tori]

Tori:
Okay. [Drinks the coffee] Hazelnut?

Jade:
I don't know, I found it in the garbage.

(Tori does a spit take)

Trina:
Are you gonna finish that coffee?

Tori:
No, Jade found it in the -- You can have it.

Trina:
Thanks. [Trina blows her a kiss and walks away.]

Tori:
That's right. Drink the garbage coffee.

Tori:
Okay birthweek ideas for Trina. Andre you start us off.

Andre:
Cheese.

Tori:
Cheese?

Andre:
: Let's not do cheese.

Tori:
: Robbie?

Robbie:
Lotion, or various lotions.

Tori:
Cat?

Cat:
Well for my last birthday I thought my parent were going to get me a bike, but then I got home and my brother was cutting off his hair and my mom started yelling and...

Tori:
Jade?

Jade:
What?

Tori:
What should I get Trina for her birthweek?

Jade:
Talent.

(André walks to the table where Beck is sitting)

André:
Hey, Beck.

Beck:
Hey, André...

André:
Congrats, you got a free bottle of water. I put a dollar on the machine and two came out.

Beck:
Thanks but I don't drink water from mountain streams.

André:
Why not?

Beck:
Mountain streams are full of fish.

André:
So?

Beck:
Fish pee, you are drinking fish pee.

Tori:
Hey guys! [runs over to the table with Beck and Andre] Dude, look who's on the Buzzfinger homepage! [shows what's on her PearPhone to Beck]

Beck:
Aw, poor Jay Leno.

Tori:
What? No, under that! [presses some buttons on her phone and shows it to him again]

Beck:
Oh?

Tori:
Oh?! That's you and Alyssa Vaughn! Together!

André:
No way. [shows it to him too] ...That's Beck and Alyssa Vaughn! Together!

Beck:
Why are you guys so impressed?

Tori:
Because Alyssa Vaughn is famous!

André:
And HOT!

Tori:
Her father's a billionare.

André:
And HOT! ...I didn't mean her father is... I drank fish pee.

Tori:
Explain this!

Beck:
She is in my yoga class, some paparazzi showed up and took that pic, but we are just friends

Tori:
And how Jade react when she found you were friend with Alyssa Vaughn?

Beck:
Jade was cool with it. (Tori made a surprised face) She threw a rock at me.

Tori:
Yeah, well I will be careful because I don't think Jade is the type to be OK with-

Jade:
Hey, we're not done talking about this.

Beck:
I am.

Jade:
Well, I'm not.

Beck:
Listen, Alyssa Vaughn is just a friend.

Jade:
Yeah, a friend who's already sent you six text messages today. [Beck's phone beeps] Seven.

Beck:
You don't know that's her.

Jade:
Is it?

Beck:
[look at his phone and see is Alyssa] What is your favorite tropical fruit?

Jade:
The mango, and I don't like your new relationship with Alyssa Vaughn

Beck:
It's just a text message

Jade:
And what does it say? Maybe Hi, Beck, my dad just got richer and I got prettier let's make out.

Beck:
Let me see if I understand.

Jade:
Let's see if you do.

Beck:
Because you and I date I can't be friend with other girls

Jade:
You can be friends with the ugly girls, but not girls who are gorgeous socialites who text message you a 100 times a day

Beck:
You know you (sees Tori and calls her) Tori, Tori, can you come here?

Tori:
What?

Beck:
If you were my girlfriend,

Jade:
(interupts him) Great way to start the question.

Beck:
Would you be all freaked out that I'm just friends with Alyssa Vaughn?

Jade:
Who cares what she thinks?

Tori:
Honestly, I wouldn't love it.

Jade:
I care what she thinks.

Beck:
How can you say that? You don't even-

Tori:
You know, I really don't want to be in the middle of this.

Jade:
No! You stay right here.

Beck:
You don't think a girlfriend should trust her boyfriend?

Tori:
No, I do.

Jade:
Get out of here, Tori!

Tori:
I would love to.

Beck:
Stay.

Jade:
Alright you know what?!

Beck:
Tell me what?

Tori:
No, don't tell him what?

Jade:
We are done!

Tori:
Jade!

Beck:
So are you breaking up with me?

Tori:
No, no, no, no, no, she is not.

Jade:
Yeah, I am.

Tori:
Oh yeah, she is.

Beck:
You are being ridiculous.

Jade:
What do you care I'm not your girlfriend anymore! (goes away)

Tori:
Is that Alyssa Vaughn?!

Jade:
Yeah, so?

Tori:
Nothing! Pfft, she's gross! [holds up a french fry] French fry?

André:
Gross? Look at her! Oh, that girl is smoking hot, I'm serious! ...I should shut up.

Jade:
(to Tori) Do I have a boyfriend, or don't I?

Sinjin:
Do you want one?

Jade:
Walk away.

Tori:
... So, if I help you, I get a mean friend and a broken kite?

Jade:
Please, just please talk to Beck for me! [cries and places her head on Tori's pillow]

Tori:
[long pause, and pats Jade on the hair] Okay! Okay, okay, I'll talk to Beck!

Jade:
Do it soon... [lifts her head off the pillow, which has black ink on it] I got a little makeup on your pillow.

Tori:
It's okay. I'll just ask my grandmother to make me another one...if she ever comes back to life.

Tori's Slap Status:
On a mission...but how did I get to be the LOVE DOCTOR?!?

Tori:
Beck said you haven't done one nice thing for him in two years.

Jade:
[crying] That is so not true! We've only dated a year and eleven months!

Tori:
Well, maybe he'd take you back if you did something nice for him.

Jade:
You mean, like, make him fresh lemonade?

Tori:
If you want Beck back, you're gonna have to think bigger than beverages.

Jade':
Tori told me to get you the dog!

Tori:
Dude!

Jade:
OK, it was kind of my idea, but I-I didn't know the dog would bug out like that. I just wanted to get you a dog because you've talked about getting one ever since I met you and I thought that maybe-

[Beck silences her with a kiss]

Jade:
You love me again.

Beck:
Who said I stopped?

Tori:
Awwwww...

[Beck and Jade look at Tori]

Tori:
I ruined the moment.

Tori:
[reading and holding a script] I don't know.

Robbie:
[reading and holding a script] Oh come on!

Tori:
Why are you in love with me?

Robbie:
Because you're beautiful. Look at your face in the moonlight.

Tori:
I can't.

Robbie:
You can.

Tori:
No, a person can't look at their own face. It's impossible.

Robbie:
Then marry me and I'll buy you a thousand mirrors.

Tori:
But that's so many!

Robbie:
My father is a billionaire. I can give you everything you ever wanted. And I'm very good looking.

Tori:
Eh.

Robbie:
Think.

Director:
And lights. Go.

[A spotlight shines on Beck with a script also.]

Tori:
[turns to Beck] I don't know.

Beck:
It's okay that you don't know.

Tori:
But you deserve an answer.

Beck:
I can wait. For you, I can wait a thousand years.

Tori:
But that's so many!

Jade:
[holding a book and texting]

Beck:
I know I'm poor. I know that I don't have that much to offer but I do love you.

Tori:
[turns away] Because I'm beautiful?

Beck:
I don't love you because you're beautiful. [touches Tori's shoulder]

Tori:
[turns around]

Beck:
You're beautiful because I love you.

Tori:
Whoa.

Jade:
[rolls her eyes]

[Random disco music starts playing and everyone turns to Sinjin.]

Jade:
What up with the disco?!

Sinjin:
I'm sorry! I hit the wrong thing!

Jade:
NO! FIFTEEN YEARS AGO YOUR MOM GAVE BIRTH TO THE WRONG THING!

Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap:
Never send Cat and Trina to do ANYTHING!!! MOOD = Desperate

[Sinjin turns on the disco music]

Jade:
WILL YOU KILL THE DISCO?!

Sinjin:
NO ONE can kill disco!

[Cat and Trina are in the car, with Tori calling them]

Cat:
Oh, punch buggy blue! [punches Trina's arm]

Trina:
Dude! [punches Cat's arm]

Cat:
Ow! [other car honks]

Trina:
[honks] SHUT UP!

Tori:
Listen to me. If you two morons aren't back here before the play starts and I have to go on stage looking like a zombie, I'm gonna punch both your buggies! Do you... [Marty shows up near her] I love you too, grandma, thanks for the quilt. [hangs up]

Trina:
Quilt? [honks] SHUT UP!

Tori:
[very fast] Well did you TELL HIM that I'm starring in a big play tomorrow night that was written by Sofia Michelle and that Sofia Michelle is gonna BE THERE and that I'm supposed to be beautiful and not look like a walking dead person who wants to eat people's BRAINS?!

Tori:
[answers the door frustrated] WHAT?! [two Sunshine Girls scream and run off] Wait! I want cookies!

Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap:
I just made 2 little girls scream and run away with their cookies. MOOD = Bummed

Cat:
Hey, Andre.

André:
Whassup, little red?

Cat:
What's THAT supposed to mean?!

André:
Uh, I dunno. Little red. You're little and you got red hair.

Cat:
Oh, that's so creative! Do Tori now.

(Cat and Trina are rapping in the car)

Cat and Trina:
You know I FLAUNT ya, 'cause girl I really WANT ya!

Trina:
And you lookin' NICE.

Cat:
Got me cooler than a bag of ICE.

Both:
Now, FREEZE, freeze! ...Now go.

Trina:
Drop it fast, then move it real slow.

Both:
[they point at each other] Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, WHAT?

Trina:
You smell so FRUITY... [Cat says nothing] Sing the next line!

Cat:
I can't.

Trina:
Why not?

Cat:
It's dirty.

Marty:
All right, congratulations, everyone. Now before we go, just a couple of-- [the disco music turns on, and Sinjin is looking at them from the control floor]

Sinjin:
Don't fight it! [Tori and the rest of the group look with a "whatever" face and start dancing]

[Cat puts her Snowbee on the table. The rest of the group looks at it for a bit then continues eating]

Cat:
...Don't you guys wanna know what that is?

Jade:
Is it a transporter from the future that can beam you to another table, because if it is, what button do I push?

Cat:
That's so hurtful! [sits down next to Tori]

Tori:
You know, you don't always have to be mean to everyone.

Cat:
See? Tori's interested in my device!

Tori:
I'm really not...

André:
[puts his hand on Cat's shoulder] Aw, c'mon, little red, tell us about your doohicky.

Cat:
Okay. It's called...the Snowbee! Watch. [presses a button, causing fake snow to fly all over the gang and their food] Wheee! [puts her hands up. Jade presses a button to shut it off] It makes pretend snow!

André:
I see that.

Beck:
It's all over my tostada.

Tori:
And my pizza.

Cat:
Well, do not eat it!

Jade:
Why?

Cat:
Because, it says the fake snow is toxic and can cause abdominal bleeding.

[Everyone pushes their lunches in the middle of the table]

Robbie:
The seniors...the ones who run TheSlap...

Cat:
Dot com?

Robbie:
No, dot gov. YES, DOT COM!

Robbie:
Do you guys think that my blog on TheSlap is boring?

Beck:
Hey, look, it's that guy over there!

Cat:
It IS that guy!

André:
Wait up, guy! [everyone walks out from the table except Tori and Robbie]

Jade:
There is no guy.

(Jade, Beck, Tori and Andre have just finished watching Robberazzi)

Tori:
He's a dead man!

Jade:
Beck and I aren't splitting up!

Beck:
Well...

Jade:
Dude!

Beck:
Kidding!

Andre:
I use an appropriate amount of ketchup!

Tori:
Let's go face this right now! (they all walk out, leaving Cat reading her catalog) Cat, are you coming?

Cat:
Oh, my god! Underwear that floats!

Beck:
Um, do you think maybe you're buying...you know, too many things from Sky Store?

Cat:
No! [starts to walk away but turns back] ...Oh, hey, can I borrow some money for lunch?

Beck:
Uh, yeah. How much? [takes out his wallet]

Cat:
49.95 plus shipping. [Beck looks at her confused]

[on Robarazzi, Cat is with a mailman]

Cat:
No! There were supposed to be two packages!

Mailman:
I only got one.

Cat:
It was supposed to get here on-- [notices someone is shooting her] Hey, why are you shooting this?! Who are you with?

Recorder:
Robarazzi.

Cat:
[frustrated] Ugh! [drops the package on the floor and walks off. Then it goes to the people in Robbie's office, where he is writing "Cat: Sky Store" on his board]

Robarazzis:
Girl's got a problem. No doubt.

Robbie:
And uh, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that's PROBABLY NOT her natural hair color.

Jade:
Beck and I...are NOT splitsville!

Beck:
Well...

Jade:
Is there something you want to talk about?!

Beck:
Kidding!

Tori:
Oh, and uh, don't eat the snow unless you wanna bleed internally. [pats him on the back]

Robbie:
Okay... [she walks off] She's so cute...

Rex:
Girl like that wants a man, not a boy.

Robbie:
I'll get there!

[Cat uses a device that turns Beck's pizza into juice]

Beck:
...You juiced my pizza.

Cat:
Why chew what you can drink?

Tori:
[when Jade calls her on her phone] Who are you, and why is your number blocked?

Robbie:
Unbelievable! You guys have no idea how upset I am about...it snowed? In Los Angeles?!

Rex:
I told you Global Warming was bogus!

Robbie:
Stop watching Fox News!

Rex:
No! It's fair and balanced.

[on Robarazzi, Beck and Jade are in Beck's car at night]

Beck:
Come on! Let's just go, it'll be fun.

Jade:
No...

Beck:
Why not?

Jade:
'Cause, I didn't shower this morning and I had tuna fish for lunch, and I-- [stops and looks behind her to see the recorder] There's a dude in the back seat! [the recorder starts to flee from them]

Beck:
What the-hey man, what are you doing?! This is MY car! Are you out of your mind?!

Jade:
[at the same time] Get out! What's wrong with you?! Yeah, you better run! I'm gonna kill you! Can you believe- [Tori shuts her laptop]

Cat:
Hey Sinjin.

Sinjin:
Yeah?

Cat:
Do you have a girlfriend?

Sinjin:
No.

Cat:
You have a credit card?

Sinjin:
Yeah...

Cat:
[puts her hand on Sinjin's arm] Why don't you call me sometime?

Sinjin:
Really?

Cat:
Mm-hmm.

Sinjin:
Okay. I'll go buy a phone!

(Sinjin runs off, Cat sits on the steps and pulls out a Sky Store catalog)

Cat:
Oh, my god! A litter box that plays classical music!

[at the beginning of the episode]

Tori:
Oh, my god! [she fans herself with her hand] I am so...hot!

Rex:
Ain't that the truth.

Jade:
Sweating is gross, so I don't do it.

Cat:
Is it true that sweat and pee are, like, "cousins"?

André:
...What now?

Beck:
Man, how long's this heat wave gonna last?

Tori:
They say until Tuesday.

Cat:
Why would they say that?!

Tori:
Hey...hey! Sinjin! He's face down in the kiddie pool!

Jade:
...Yep.

André:
(checks his phone) It's cool; he's still got two minutes left. (Tori and Robbie hurry over to the kiddie pool)

Tori:
(turns Sinjinn over) Are you okay?! (he gargles)

Robbie:
Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth? (Sinjin gargles again)

Tori:
...Nah, he's alright. (she flees)

Cat:
(running out of trailer) Gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee!!!

Beck:
Hurry back!

Cat:
(in the distance) Kay-kay!

Jade:
She has the bladder of a squirrel.

(Tori and the gang are preparing their beach stuff)

Andre:
Alright. It's starting to get hot in here.

Tori:
Yeah! Let's go.

Robbie:
Let's hit that beach!

Beck:
That's right, people. (Beck pushes the door, but it won't open)

Jade:
What's wrong?

Beck:
I don't know. The door won't open. (Beck pushes the door again, but it won't open. The scene cuts outside. It turns out that a giant RV is parked right next to theirs.)

Tori:
(while trapped) WHERE IS CAT?

Robbie:
She's been gone for over 20 minutes!

Andre:
The girl only weighs 90 pounds. How much pee can she hold?

Tori:
[to Jade] Does it worry you that you never sweat?

Jade:
No.

Tori:
Well, what if, one day, all your sweat like, builds up inside, and you just explode?

Jade:
...I would love that.

Trina:
That's it, i'm calling her. What's Cat's number?

Jade:
I already tried.

Beck:
No signal.

Andre:
Oh man, I told y'all not to get F-Mobile!

Tori:
Well, where's your phone?

Andre:
I left it in my pants, and my grandma washed it. All my contacts, GONE!

(Beck is still trying to push the door)

Jade:
Just open it!

Beck:
Something's blocking the door. (Tori looks through the window)

Tori:
Oh, man. Some idiot parked a huge RV right next to us!

Trina:
Whatever. Let's just go out the back door.

Beck:
There is no back door.

Trina:
Well, that's stupid.

Andre:
I'm getting very hot now.

Robbie:
Would somebody open the window?

Jade:
The windows are bulletproof. They don't open.

Rex:
Oh, thanks a lot, Fat Biscuit!

Jade:
What?!

Rex:
I meant the rapper from whom Beck's daddy purchased this vehicle!

Andre:
I'm getting hotter.

Tori:
Just push on the door.

Beck:
I can't push a 7000-pound RV out of the way.

Tori:
Then push harder! (they started to argue)

Andre:
ALL RIGHT! Let's not bug out! (the argument stops)

Tori:
Dude, no one knows we're trapped in this toaster oven!

Andre:
Cat just went to the bathroom. She's gonna be back in a few minutes, then she can start back strop and then pull us forward so we can get out.

Rex:
Good point.

Jade:
Okay. (they sit in the sofa to wait for Cat)

(the gang start to use Tori's very small fan)

Jade:
At least it oscillates.

Andre:
Um. I'm still not happy.

Trina:
I'm so hot.

Robbie:
Where could Cat be?

Tori:
I hope she's okay.

(the gang are still using Tori's little fan)

Andre:
(the fan starts to slow down) Uh uh. Uh uh.

Tori:
It's slowing down! (the fan stops and everyone groans)

Robbie:
NOOOO!!!!!! (Robbie gets the fan and starts spinning it) Come on, fan! Work!

Beck:
Robbie!

Robbie:
Work!

Beck:
Robbie!

Robbie:
Spin!

Beck:
Stop!

Robbie:
You can come work!

Beck:
Robbie! Robbie! Stop it!

Robbie:
No! I NEED IT! I NEED IT!

Beck:
THE BATTERIES ARE DEAD! Robbie, stop!

Robbie:
Oscillate! Spin!

Beck:
(shakes Robbie) IT'S OVER!!!!! (Robbie gets up, yelling indistinctly and then buries his head in the pillow while screaming)

Andre:
I'M EXTREMELY HOT NOW!!!!!!!!!

Trina:
We got to get out of this stupid RV! (Beck looks at her) Yeah, offense!

Tori:
Well, at least. We have to find something to drink!

Cat:
(being sprayed by water guns) It's so cold! It's so cold!

(scene cuts to the RV, where Tori is on the floor and raises her head)

Tori:
IT'S SO HOT!!!!!

Boy:
You spun a beautiful pot.

Cat:
You helped me spin it.

Boy:
(suggestively) Later we'll glaze it.

Cat:
...Thank you.

Trina:
For so many years I prayed every night to be hotter. (pauses) ...THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!!!!!!!

Tori:
YOU HAD WATER...THIS ENTIRE TIME...and you didn't share it with the rest of us?!?!

Trina:
If I shared it, I wouldn't have had as much for me!

Jade:
(sweating) Okay. Okay. Something's dripping on me. Something's dripping on me.

Beck:
(goes to Jade) Not-not-nothing's dripping.

Jade:
Yes! Look on my arm. See? (holds her forehead) And on my forehead. What's going on?! What's happening?!

Beck:
You're sweating.

Jade:
NO! No, I'm not. I don't sweat! I'm not sweating!

Beck:
Okay.

Jade:
NO! (Beck holds her arms)

Beck:
Look at me!

Jade:
NO!

Beck:
LOOK AT ME!

Jade:
WHAT?

Beck:
You're sweating. (Jade squeals and falls on the floor)

Jade:
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

Tori:
Yeah. Thank you, Catherine Obvious!

Trina:
...What?

Tori:
I said thank you, Catherine Obvious!

Robbie:
Did she say "Catherine" Obvious?

Andre:
It's Captain Obvious.

Tori:
What?

Jade:
The expression is "Thank You, Captain Obvious".

Tori:
It's not Catherine?

Trina:
No.

Beck:
Who would Catherine be?

Tori:
Catherine could be a captain.

Robbie:
These fish mock me.

Trina:
How dare they swim around, enjoying that filthy water.

Robbie:
I'm gonna drink that filthy water. [the others try to talk him out of it] WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE?!?!?!?!

Beck:
It's his call.

[Robbie dips his head into the fish tank and gulps some water. After a few seconds, he takes his glasses out of the fish tank.]

Andre:
Well?

[Robbie grabs Trina's bag and vomits in it, as she pokes at him.]

Trina:
That's my bag!

Robbie:
[after he is done vomiting] ...Don't drink the fish water. [throws bag at Trina]

Robbie:
Well, can we at least turn on the air conditioning?

Beck:
The AC doesn't work unless the truck is running.

Trina:
Then go start the truck!

Beck:
I can't get out!

Trina:
Ohhhhh, why did you invite me here?!?!

Tori:
We didn't!

Robbie:
You invited yourself!

Jade:
NO ONE LIKES YOU!

Andre:
I'm feeling very hot now!!!!

Robbie:
(looks at the thermometer) Guys! It's 102 degrees in here! (everyone groans)

Tori:
I need a cold drink.

Beck:
(stands up) Me too.

Tori:
Where are they?

Beck:
In the truck.

Trina:
What are we gonna do?

Tori:
CCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (everybody joins Tori) CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT! CAT!!!!!!

André:
[on the ground] Okay...it's official. I have achieved maximum hot-itude!

[after everyone is free from the RV and happily reunites with Cat]

Cat:
Wow, you guys really miss me! ...Ew, Jade, you're all sweaty.

Jade:
NEVER SPEAK OF IT!!!

Black man:
Hey, Fat Biscuit.

Fat Biscuit:
What's up?

Black man:
Isn't this your old RV? With the bullet-proof windows. (points at Beck's RV)

Fat Biscuit:
Yeah! I think it is.

Black man:
We had some times in that thing.

Fat Biscuit:
(laughs) ...Don't talk about it. (the three walk off, and the episode ends)

Trina:
Is this chicken?

Tori:
I think it might be a pinapple... or a part of a thumb.

Trina:
Ugh. I can't eat airplane food. Too gross.

Tori:
And, why is this now on my tray table?

Trina:
Cause I'm done with it.

Tori:
I don't care if you're done with it, put your garbage on-

Trina:
(after being kicked by the Little Boy) Some people are so rude!

Tori:
(holds up a crumpled tissue paper) I KNOW!

Trina:
What teacher?

Tori:
Gradstein.

Trina:
Ooooh, he's tough.

Tori:
No chiz.

Trina:
What is chiz, anyway?

Tori:
Andre thinks it's a German sausage.

Tori:
Does this plane have Wi-Fi?

Flight Attendant:
No. But, we do have wireless internet service.

Tori:
That's what Wi-Fi is.

Flight Attendant:
Please don't give me attitude.

Trina:
What are you doing?

Tori:
Checking if Andre's on, maybe we can video chat.

Trina:
(boy kicks her seat) Cut it out.

Tori:
Oh good, Andre's online.

Trina:
(standing up to open a window) I need some air.

Tori:
You have a pimple on your armpit.

André:
Tori, what's up?

Tori:
Hey, I'm on the plane!

André:
You're on the plane? Well if I were you, I'd get in the plane! (silence) So you're on the plane.

Tori:
And I'm not gonna land until after 11.

Flight Attendant:
Your dessert. (hands them dessert)

Trina:
What is this?

Flight Attendant:
I dunno. Pudding?

Trina:
Aww, it's got fur on it!

Tori:
Just like your pimple...

Trina:
Hey are you gonna eat your pudding?

Tori:
You ate yours?!

Trina:
Yeah, I just scraped the fur right off the top, it wasn't bad.

Tori:
Go nuts.

(video chat with Cat starts)

Cat:
Hi!

Andre:
What's up, little red?

Tori:
Hey, Cat.

Charlotte:
(background) Andre!

Andre:
What's wrong, Grandma?

Charlotte:
The numbers on my clock changed again!

Andre:
It's a clock, Grandma. The numbers are supposed to change.

Charlotte:
What happened to my butter?

Andre:
I'll go to the store tomorrow and get you some more butter.

(Charlotte runs off, screams, then smashes something)

Cat:
What was that?

Andre:
My grandmother just screamed.

Tori:
Why? What happened?

Andre:
I dunno, I think she saw herself in the mirror.

Charlotte:
(in the background) Andre, there's another ME on the wall!!

Andre:
It's okay, Grandma. Just introduce yourself. I'm sure she's nice.

Andre:
You live next door to a cheerleader?

Beck:
I do.

Andre:
Figures! I live next door to a one-legged old man who throws lemons at me.

(Video chat with Beck stars)

Beck:
You requested my face?

Andre:
Hey, man.

Tori:
Hi!

Cat:
Hey, Beck.

Tori:
Is that a dog with you?

Cat:
Aw, look at the puppy.

Tori:
Cat, what are you doing?

Cat:
I clicked on Rainbow (clicked on rainbow setting) Woooo!

Tori:
Will you please stop that?

Andre:
We gotta do this project.

Cat:
Sorry.

Tori:
Now, where were we?

Jade:
Why do you have that animal?

Beck:
It's my neighbor's dog.

André:
His neighbor...the cheerleader.

Jade:
Cheerleader?

Beck:
Why? Why would you say that?

André:
Sorry...

Cat:
Do you know what cheerleaders have? ...Pep

Tori:
Pep?

Beck:
Did she say pep?

Trina:
What Happened?

Tori:
(clearly annoyed) I made Cat cry and she signed off.

Trina:
Well you gottta be careful with other peoples feelings.

(the kid kicks Trina's seat again and she scolds him)

Trina:
(at the top of her rage) STOP KICKING MY SEAT YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE NUB!!!

'Child:
Shut up, old lady.

(Trina is too shocked by his words, takes her anger at his dad while Andre and Beck are laughing online)

Trina:
Aren't you gonna let your kid talk to me that way?

Child's Dad:
I got to take a wazz. (he heads to the lavatory)

Trina:
Enjoy your WAZZ!!!!!

Trina:
Move back.

Tori:
Where're you going?

Trina:
The tanning salon. Where do you think I'm going? I gotta take a wazz.

Tori:
[Knowing] The nub's dad is in the bathroom.

Trina:
I'm not going back there, I'm gonna go pee in the First Class lavatory.

Tori:
You're not allowed to.

Trina:
Yeah-Yeah move.

[Beck and Andre sees Trina's butt]

Beck:
Uh.

Andre:
Whoa, what was that?

Tori:
That was Trina's butt.

Andre:
[Shivering with Beck] That was horrible.

Little Kid:
[Truthfully] Your sister's a freak.

Tori:
Yeah, I know.

Little Kid:
[Wrong idea] But she's kinda hot.

[Beck and Andre are confused]

Tori:
[Apalled] Did you just call my sister "Hot?"

Little Kid:
Yep. But you're hotter.

[Tori is apalled and pushes the Little Kid back in his seat]

André:
[Jokingly] So, who's your new boyfriend there?

Tori:
Not cute, André.

[Jade bangs 4 times on the door]

André:
What's that noise?

Jade:
Open the door!! [3 more bangs]

Tori:
Is that Jade?

Beck:
[Truthfully] Yeah. [Out loud] I'm busy working on a project!

Jade:
[6 more bangs] I need to talk to you! [2 more bangs]

Beck:
[Being obvious] Sorry. Door's locked. [Jade breaks the door in] Now it's not locked.

Tori:
She has a key?

Beck:
No, she has a foot.

Jade:
What is going on?

Beck:
You just kicked my door open.

Jade:
Put the dog down, and tell me about this cheerleader chick who lives next door.

Beck:
I'm not gonna put the dog down.

Jade:
Oh, aren't you?

Beck:
If you wanna meet the cheerleader, she'll be back any minute to pick up her dog.

Jade:
Then I'll wait for her.

Beck:
Whatever you want.

Tori:
Oh, now who?

André:
Somebody wants to join our chat.

Beck:
Probably Robbie again.

Tori:
[Disgusted] Uhh.

André:
What's the screen name?

Tori:
MrSkinnyJeans.

André:
Oh [Knowlingly] That's Sinjin.

Sinjin:
Hey, guys. I see you're video chatting.

Tori:
Whatcha need? 'Cause we're really kinda busy.

Sinjin:
[Surprised] Are you on a plane?

Tori:
Yeah, I'm on a plane.

Sinjin:
And they have Wi-Fi?

Tori:
No, Sinjin, I have the world's longest internet cable hanging out the window.

Sinjin:
Nuh-Uh. Airplane windows don't open.

Jade:
Hey, wait a minute, [The background looks familiar] Sinjin?

Sinjin:
[Sees his crush] Hi, Jade.

Jade:
Where did you get that lamp?

Sinjin:
[Being a little obvious] Um, at the lamp store.

Jade:
It looks exactly like the lamp I have in my den at home.

Sinjin:
Oh. Weird.

Jade:
Are you in my house?!?! [Tori zooms in closely on the background and Sinjin runs off like a chicken] Take your computer with you!

Sinjin:
Please don't tell my mother.

Cat:
What did the young shrimp say when his mother asked why he wouldn't share any of his toys?

Tori:
What?

Cat:
Sorry, I'm a little shellfish! [laughing] Get it? 'Cause shrimp are very self-centered.

Tori:
I think the joke is that 'shellfish' rhymes with 'selfish'.

Cat:
Oh my god, that's even funnier! [laughing again]

Cat:
(after clicking on cherry pie setting) I'm pie girl! (Laughs) But don't bite off my nose! (Laughs again)

Tori:
Cat, we have a ten-page script due tomorrow morning, and we're on page three, and you're not helping at all. Now will you please stop acting like a child?!

(Cat begins to cry)

Beck:
There she goes.

Charlotte:
Andre! Stop talking to yourself!

(She, at this point walks in holding a baseball bat.)

Andre:
Grandma, I'm not talking to myself. I'm talking to Tori and Beck.

Charlotte:
That's a lie. They're not here!

Andre:
I know that. I'm talkin' to them online. See?

Tori:
Hi, Mrs. Harris.

Beck:
How you doing?

Charlotte:
I don't understand this!

Andre:
Grandma!

(Charlotte screams and punches Andre's webcam.)

Andre:
Aw, Grandma! Just go sit down on your couch!

Tori:
It's just me, Mrs. Harris.

Charlotte:
LEAVE ME ALONE! (Punches the webcam again before it goes out)

Tori:
Hey, hey! Look what I got!

Andre:
A piccolo?

Tori:
It's my new instrument.

Cat:
I thought you were learing to play the fr-

Tori:
It didn't work out!!!

(Festus gives Tori the turkey sandwich she asked for)

Tori:
I thought you said you only had burritos?

Festus:
What are you, a lawyer?

Andrè:
What's shakin, bacon?

Tori:
Oh, they don't have bacon.

Chef:
Just burritos!

Tori:
...Was my piccolo playing that bad?

Cat:
Yeah... (she rubs Tori's hair)

Tori:
I say we celebrate...piccolo style. (starts to play, but Beck silences her)

Beck:
No, no... (takes the piccolo from Tori's hand)

Tori:
What did you do to my pants?!

Sikowitz:
Good! Now, terrified!

Tori:
WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PANTS?!?!

Sikowitz:
Falling off a cliff!

Tori:
WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS?!?!

Sikowitz:
Excellent. Now, as you can see, the same dialogue can evoke an infinite number of emotions, depending upon how the actor chooses to play it. Like a robot.

Tori:
(imitating a robot) What...Did You Do...To My Pants...

Sikowitz:
Wrong! Robots don't wear pants...it was a trick.

Officer:
What's your name?

Tori:
Oh! I'm...uh...i'm... (sees a water jug that reads "Crystal Waters") Crystal Waters. It's okay, I'm on the movie.

Officer:
Crystal Waters? I don't remember seeing the name Crystal Waters-

Cat:
(runs out from the back) I CAN'T FIND MY MOTHER! (grabs the officer by the shirt) HELP ME FIND MY MOTHER, PLEASE! MOMMMMMMMM! MOMMMMMMMMMMMM-

Officer:
Shut up; we'll find your mama! (he and Cat walk off. Cat winks to Tori)

(Sinjin slaps a bee on Andrè's shoulder)

André:
Ow! What was that for?

Sinjin:
There was a bee on your shoulder.

André:
And you killed it before it could sting me?! Thanks a lot, man.

Sinjin:
What did I do?

André:
No, just go on. Get out of here!

André:
Did you meet Melinda Murray?

Beck:
No.

André:
I bet SHE'S been stung by a bee...

Beck:
You can ask her yourself.

Jade:
(upon seeing Tori and Beck hugging) ONE...TWO...don't make me get to three! (Beck unhugs from Tori) Better!

Cat:
Oh, you have Mexican flavored gum?

Tori:
Mexican's not a flavor!

Sinjin:
Thank you.

Tori's Newest Status on TheSlap:
Jade's dress feels...warm. MOOD = Jaded

(Tori kisses Sinjin on his cheek as her thanks for agreeing to help her)

Sinjin:
Here comes that feeling.

Tori:
(pokes her head back in) I heard that!

Jade:
Read the phone, Tori! Read the phone!

Tori:
Don't you steal my phone in face bit!

Tori:
(after the long flashback) So, you guys formed a fake ping pong team so you could get some money, buy a trophy for the school, save the principal's job, and take Sikowitz out for a big fancy dinner?

Andre:
[pause] Yeah, I guess we could've just told it that way.

Tori:
YES, I'm wearing a ping pong jacket!

André:
How could you not think to bring a fancy dress?

Tori:
I don't know. I just didn't, okay?

Beck:
You said you reminded everyone to bring nice clothes.

Jade:
I did.

Tori:
You didn't remind me!

Jade:
(sarcastically) Whoops!

Jade:
So, who's that?

Tori:
Um, this is Danny.

Daniel:
Hey.

Beck:
S'up.

Jade:
Why are you talking to Tori?

Tori:
He goes to my old school.

Daniel:
Sherwood.

Tori:
He...was my boyfriend.

Daniel:
Girlfriend.

Jade:
So, why'd you dump her?

Beck:
Jade...

Jade:
Can I guess? Because I got a lotta guesses.

Daniel:
Well, actually...

Tori:
You don't have to...

Daniel:
Tori broke up with me.

Jade:
Oh. And how did you celebrate?

Tori:
Do you ever take a day off? (Jade smiles)

Beck:
So, whatcha doin' here?

Tori:
Yeah, what are you doing here?

Daniel:
Well, I've kinda been dating this girl that goes here, and I, uh, was supposed to meet her-

Cat:
(screams and runs in) Daniel!!! (she runs into his arms and they kiss) This is the guy I've been telling you about! My boyfriend!

Tori:
(rolls eyes) Oh...

Cat:
Daniel, these are my friends. Beck, Jade, and that's Tori.

Tori:
Yeah, we...we've met.

Cat:
Really? You know Daniel?

Jade:
Oh, she knows Daniel.

Tori:
So...

Daniel:
So...

Jade:
(evil smile) So...

Cat:
How come everyone's being all weird?

Jade:
I'll tell her!

Beck:
No, you won't.

Tori:
Cat, I used to go to Sherwood, with Danny, before I came to school here.

Cat:
Oh, so you guys were friends?

Jade:
Yeah, they were good friends.

Cat:
Uh, I'm confused.

Tori:
Danny and I used to date. (Cat gasps)

Beck:
(to Jade) Why don't we walk over to some other location?

Cat:
Ok, wait, so like you and Tori were like...

Daniel:
Girlfriend.

Tori:
Boyfriend.

Cat:
So...

Daniel:
Please don't feel weird about this.

Tori:
You really shouldn't. We broke up a year ago.

Daniel:
Yeah, a year.

Tori:
It's only been eleven months.

Daniel:
What difference does it make?

Tori:
Forget it! The point is, I'm totally cool with you guys dating.

Daniel:
And I'm totally cool that you two are friends.

Cat:
Well, ok then. It's all happy!

Tori:
Ok.

Jade:
I'm bored now. [walks away]

Beck:
I apologize for...her. [walks away also]

Trina:
Fifty bucks.

Robbie:
Seems expensive.

Trina:
You want gross, crunchy feet? 'Cause girls don't dig that! (he reluctantly gives her the money)

Sikowitz:
Hello, girls! Can you believe I scored tickets to Hall and Oates?

Jade:
(while Cat and Daniel are dancing) Daniel ever spin you like that?

Tori:
You wanna get slapped with a sausage?

Jade:
Sure.

Tori:
No!

Sikowitz:
You see? This is what happens when you mix teenagers and hot cheese. (to Lane) I warned you.

(Beck and Jade look for Tori in the Black Box Theatre)

Beck:
Tori! Yo, Tori!

Jade:
We saw you run in here!

Beck:
What's with all that stuff?

Jade:
Sinjin and his friends are putting on a play about a camping trip gone wrong.

Beck:
Gone wrong?

Jade:
They end up eating each other, I don't know!

Beck:
Tori! Tori! Yo, Tori!

(Jade throws a broom at the tent on the stage)

Tori:
(from inside the tent) Ow!!!

Jade:
Tori! Come out to play!

Tori:
Leave me alone.

Beck:
Ok, Tori, what up with the hot cheese attack on Cat?

Jade:
And her boyfriend, Daniel.

(after Cat sees Tori kissing Daniel and leaves)

Robbie:
Hey! Do either of you guys know what kind of meat Sikowitz uses in this sausage? I asked him and he just started laughing like, (he laughs like a maniac; Tori runs off) Bye!

Tori:
Okay. I have left her five voice mails and sent her twelve text messages. Why won't Cat talk to me?!?

André:
'Cause you squirted hot cheese in her ear!

Robbie:
And played smushy face with her boyfriend.

Jade:
Those things upset some girls.

Trina:
(to Tori) You wanna try the pooka fish?

Tori:
You got rice and soy sauce?

Trina:
No.

Tori:
Then no!

Cat:
Let me out!

Tori:
Cat!

Cat:
This is kidnapping! ...Or cat-napping! (laughs)

Tori:
I swear, Cat, if I were you, i'd just punch me right in the face. (which she does) OWWWWWW! Cat!

Cat:
What?

Tori:
You just punched me in the face!

Cat:
(innocently) You said to.

Tori:
I know, but that's just something people say wh-OWWWWWWW!

Tori:
Is it broken?

Hospital lady:
I don't think so. (feels nose) Just bruised...how'd this happen?

Tori:
I uh, fell.

Hospital lady:
On what?

Tori:
Something hard.

Cat:
Like a rock.

Hospital lady:
We should get you X-Rayed, take a seat over there.

Trina:
(about Mark) HE is ridiculously hot! Everybody says he's an awesome kisser!

David:
Make sure he knows...(into the phone, to Mark) I'm a cop.

(Tori's phone goes off in the middle of class)

Sikowitz:
Tori...

Tori:
I swear, I thought I had it on vibrate...

Sikowitz:
Class is no place for swearing or vibrating!

Cat:
Thanks a lot, Tori.

Cat:
I get nervous when my brother eats things that aren't food. ...Seriously, I think he ate my charm bracelet.

Tori:
Oh, I wish I could go to Karaoke Dokie!

Beck:
Why can't you?

Jade:
Who cares why she can't?

Beck:
I was just wondering why she-

Jade:
What, you need Tori around to have a good time, is that your point?

Beck:
Dude!

Jade:
WHAT?

Sikowitz:
JADE! (turns to her) You're lucky to HAVE Beck. Don't be such a GANK! (Tori smirks)

Cat:
So, why can't you come?

Tori:
Oh, Trina's getting her dumb wisdom teeth out today and guess who gets to spend the entire weekend taking care of her?

Cat:
Okay, um...is it someone famous?

Tori:
No! ME!

Andre:
Why can't your parents take care of her?

Tori:
'Cause they're gonna be in Santa Barbara.

Andre:
What for?

Tori:
So they don't have to take care of Trina!

Beck:
Can't blame 'em.

Jade:
Shucks to be you.

Tori:
Gank.

(Cat and Jade approach Hayley and Tara)

Hayley:
Oh, it's you two. I thought I smelled failure.

Cat:
Then you must have been sniffing yourselves! (to Jade) Pretty good, huh?

Jade:
For you.

André:
Hey, look what they got on the menu! Buffalo nuggets! Well that's good news... (laughs) Not for the buffalo...

Hayley:
So...Hollywood Arts...you girls gonna sing tonight?

Jade:
Well, we didn't come for the buffalo nuggets.

Beck:
But we are gonna get some, right?

Jade:
I'm gonna get a soda. (starts to walk away with her cup)

André:
Get me one?

Jade:
No.

André:
She can be a gank.

Beck:
You have no idea.

Cat:
I like Japan. 'Cept my brother got stabbed there once. It was an accident. He's better now. Are buffalo nuggets spicy?

(Hayley and Tara walk onstage, about to sing)

Hayley:
Enjoy us!

Jade:
(waves her purse at them) Enjoy my monkey fur!

Jade:
YEAH! We're clapping because it's over!

Hayley:
HEY! We won...'cause WE rock.

Cat:
Yeah, don't believe everything your daddy says!

Jade:
Like when he tells you you're pretty! (Hayley gasps)

Robbie:
YEAH!

Rex:
Testify!

Hayley:
Okay, that's it! You guys are banned from singing here ever again!

Jade:
Yeah, like we care!

Beck:
Come on, let's get out of here.

André:
Let's bail!

Waitress:
(comes out from behind) Okay, I have your nachos...your sliders...and the buffalo nuggets. (puts them on their table seperately, then walks off)

André:
I say we get out of here...RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS FOOD! (the group sits back at the table) Pass the ranch dressing!

Jade:
Here!

Cat:
KETCHUP!

Beck:
Coming at'cha!

Cat:
Hi.

Jade:
Hello.

Cat:
We brought you frozen yogurt.

Tori:
Why? You know, frozen yogurt doesn't solve all the world's problems!

Jade:
I told you to bring donuts!

Tori:
So what's up?

Jade:
Last night, when we went to Karaoke Dokie.

Cat:
These two girls were really mean to us.

Tori:
Like... "Jade-level" mean?

Cat:
No, no, that mean, but really mean.

Jade:
And they cheated.

Cat:
So cheated.

Jade:
And they were totally trashing Hollywood Arts.

Tori:
Really?

Cat:
What's on your arm?

Tori:
Trina's mouth blood.

Cat:
Ewwwww!

Jade:
Cool.

Beck:
Who texted?

Andre:
Tori.

Beck:
What'd she say?

Andre:
"Need you, Beck and Robbie to...take care of Trina 'till midnight."

Beck:
Gross, no.

Robbie:
I'm not spending my Saturday night here with Trina!

Trina:
SOMEBODY has to stay with me!

Robbie:
Ow, you're biting, you're biting! Ohhhh-

Beck:
Come on, we're leaving. (his phone rings)

Andre:
Who texted you?

Beck:
Jade.

Andre:
What'd she say?

Beck:
"Hey, babe, you can't leave Tori's house; I took your car keys." (throws his phone annoyed)

Robbie:
(takes his fingers out of Trina's mouth) Ew. Gum blood! (rubs it on her hair)

(Cat makes a weird face at Hayley and Tara)

Jade:
Don't make that face.

Andre:
How could you leave us to take care of that monster?

(Trina moans, offended)

Andre:
Yeah, I said monster!

(David enters the house with his suitcase, sees Trina fighting with Hayley and Tara and watches them for a moment)

David:
(to Holly who is outside) Honey, get back in the car!

Tori:
[pretending to eat] How's your eggplant?

Beck:
[pretending to eat also] It's fine. How's your spaghetti?

Tori:
[stops eating and gets mad] I hate you!

Beck:
Why?

Tori:
I'm not having spaghetti! I'm having spaghettini!

Beck:
What's the difference?

Tori':
Spagettini is a very thin noodle, spaghetti is a relatively fat noodle. We've been over this!

Beck:
I forgot.

Tori:
I mean, why did we even take a pasta class together?

Sikowitz:
And...done!

Beck:
We're done?

Tori:
But we still have a few more lines.

Sikowitz:
No, I meant this is done. (holds up jar)

Andre:
What is that?

Sikowitz:
Well, it was a jar of cream, but now that I've shaken it vigorously for an hour, it's butter.

Jade:
You make your own butter?

Sikowitz:
Indeed.

Robbie:
Is it good?

Sikowitz:
I don't know, I refuse to eat dairy. Tori, Beck, take your seats!

Beck:
(to Tori) If he doesn't eat dairy, why would he -

Tori:
(holds up hands) I don't know. I don't care.

Sikowitz:
: Alright, for the last few minutes of class, let's talk about the one act play I'm directing.

(everyone stares and waits for him to continue)

Andre:
Well?

Sikowitz:
Well, what?

Andre:
You wanna talk about the one act play you're directing?

Sikowitz:
: (in a "you talked me into it" tone) All right...First of all, I want to thank you all for auditioning. The two lead roles will be played by...(everyone leans forward, Cat gasps) Andre and Robbie!

Andre:
Cool!

Robbie:
Hot beef!

Rex:
Aw, would anyone else like to be my guardian?

Cat:
Did any of the rest of us get parts?

Sikowitz:
Aw, is a certain little redhead hoping she got a role in teacher's play?

Cat:
(giggles) She is!

Sikowitz:
Well, she didn't. But, I do need some help with the backstage crew. Jade, Cat, I want you girls on lighting.

Jade:
Lighting?

Sikowitz:
Yes, you pronounced it perfectly. Tori, I want you to work with Sinjin's team on special effects.

Tori:
Okay, but I know like nothing about special effects.

Sinjin:
We'll teach you. (they leer at Tori)

Tori:
(somewhat disgusted)...Lookin' forward to it.

Cat:
So...I heard you went out with Jessica Wolf last night...

Robbie:
Oh yes...I did.

Andre:
So, how'd it-

Trina:
(walking by) Hi, Tori, Tori's friends.

Andre:
So, your date with Jessica.

Robbie:
AWE-some!

Tori:
Uh, not according to her last update on TheSlap.

Robbie:
What'd she write?

Tori:
It was kinda mean.

Andre:
Read it! (Cat laughs)

Tori:
"Last night: Worst date ever."

Robbie:
Oh. Well, um, maybe she went out with some other guy after she went out with me, and then she wrote that about the other guy.

Tori:
"Dude brought a puppet."

Rex:
A puppet?

Robbie:
Oh, she was talking about me.

Trina:
Do me a flavor, put this credit card back in Mom's purse? (gives it to Tori)

Tori:
(puts it in her back pocket) Why do I have to put this credit card back in-oh...

Cat:
I love that they call this a catwalk.

(Jade looks at her)

Cat:
Because my name is Cat, and look! I'm walking! [starts walking] Walkin' on the catwalk.

Jade:
If someone was pushed off this catwalk and landed on the floor really hard, do you think they'd live?

Cat:
Why are you asking that?

Jade:
No reason.

(Cat gasps and runs out)

Sikowitz:
Alright everyone, we have 20 minutes before our play begins! WHERE is my coconut milk? (drinks it)

Beck:
...You're drinking it!

Sikowitz:
So am I.

Tori's Newest Status on TheSlap:
At the hospital with a sick friend. Well, not really a "friend"...more like a...uh, nevermind. FEELING Conflicted

(Rex is in a hospital bed)

Tori:
Wow, that looks so real.

Doctor:
So when this Robbie kid gets here-

Beck:
You say that Rex isn't doing well, let him say goodbye, and then beeeep. Dead Rex.

Doctor:
(pause) Why can't my son be handsome like you?

Jade:
[holds up jar] What's this?

Doctor:
Oh, just a fatty lump I removed from a cab driver's back.

Jade:
Can I have it?

Doctor:
(incredulously) What school do you kids go to? [Jade takes the jar, smiling] I have to go see another patient, I'll be back in twenty minutes.

Beck:
Why do you want it?

Jade:
I like to look at it.

(Robbie sees Rex on the hospital bed)

Robbie:
Is he gonna be ok?

Doctor:
I'm afraid his injuries are very serious.

Beck:
They don't think he's gonna make it.

Andre:
What in the name of Nancy's going on here?

Nurse:
I don't know why your uncle would soak his feet in chicken fat. (pause) Why are you here?

Cat:
Oh, cause this puppet had a really bad accident and got hurt, but he doesn't like to be called a puppet.

Nurse:
Mmmhmm. And, uh, how did this "puppet" get hurt?

Cat:
See, well, my friend Tori was trying to make a tornado happen, but she did it wrong, so the puppet flew across the room into a big jet fan!

Nurse:
Oooh, a flying puppet!

Cat:
Yeah.

Nurse:
That's too bad. (to an orderly) William, would you please take this young woman to our "special room" in section D?

William:
(knowingly) Of course. (takes Cat's arm) Come along.

Cat:
Ooh, an adventure!

Jade:
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up!

Tori:
What?

Jade:
Where are you all going?

Cat:
To a hospital.

Tori:
Cat!

Beck:
We're not really going to the hospital. It's a puppet.

Cat:
Not to Robbie.

Jade:
You know what, maybe we should take Rex to the hospital.

Tori:
Why?

Jade:
So he can die there.

Cat:
Jade...

Jade:
It's not good for a sixteen year old guy to go through life with his hand shoved up a...that. Maybe this happened for a reason.

Tori:
But if Rex dies, Robbie's gonna-

Jade:
Get over it? Become a normal person? Yeah, that'd be tragic.

Beck:
She's got a point.

Cat:
I used to think my Uncle Jesse was a normal person, but then I found out that every Sunday he soaks his feet in chicken fat. (they all look at Cat)

Tori:
(after a pause) Let's take Rex to the hospital.

(The doctor gives his conditions for setting up Rex's deathbed)

Doctor:
I have a sixteen year old son, his name is Lendel, and well...he's a loser. Would you go out on a date with him?

Tori:
How much of a loser? (doctor pulls out his wallet and shows picture) Oh, my god!

Jade:
Don't turn on 21.

Cat:
Don't what?

Jade:
Turn on 21.

Cat:
21 on!

Jade:
No, Cat! [gets shocked from the wires] Cat!

Cat:
What?

Jade:
You just shocked me!

Cat:
I'm sorry!

Robbie Somebody's gotta take Rex to the hospital.

Tori:
I'll take him.

Beck:
I'll drive.

Cat:
I'll go, too.

Jade:
Okay, does anyone else think this is bizarre? Come on, it can't just be me. (Andre enters)

Andre:
All right, all right. Showtime! (pause, looks around) What'd I miss?

Sinjin:
Tori tried to murder Rex.

Tori:
Sinjin! (holds out arms) Here, let me take him.

Robbie:
No!

Cat:
We'll take him to the hospital.

Robbie:
Ok.

Tori:
(takes Rex) I got him.

Robbie:
Take care of him.

Tori:
I promise. (Robbie kisses Rex, then Tori, Cat and Beck leave)

Jade:
Well, I'm not missing this. [follows Tori, Cat and Beck]

Robbie:
Realio dealio?

Cat:
I think that's Spanish for "real deal".

Rex:
And what's Spanish for dizzy redhead?

Cat:
(hits her head with the red cubes on her hands) Bonk..bonk. Hey, this really works! It doesn't hurt at all! (hits her head over and over again) Bonk, bonk, bonkity bonk bonk. Oh, (stands up) I'm Cube Fist Man! Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk! (giggles)

Jade:
I'll give you this dollar to get to the point.

Sikowitz:
I couldn't possibly take your money... (takes the dollar from Jade's hands)

Sikowitz:
How would you teenagers like to do something for money?

Tori:
[after a pause] Can we have some details first?

Andrè:
[singing and playing piano] My grandpa has a nose and my grandma has a nose. Everyone you know has a nose, nose, nose.

Jade:
My grandfather's nose was blown off in the war, so that song is a filthy lie.

Robbie:
[singing] It's fun to run, it's fun to play, it's fun to make things out of clay. It's fun to fill your car with gas, it's fun to break things made of glass.

[Everyone starts staring at Robbie.]

Robbie:
[singing] Broken glass can cut your hand and then you bleed across the land. Ask any-

Tori:
We're not doing that!

Cat:
Well, we have to write a song about something.

Beck:
Okay, let's think. What do four-year old...little kids like?

Cat:
Um...Cartoons?

Andrè:
Animals?

Jade:
Being annoying.

Robbie:
[singing and strumming] Broken glass.

Andrè:
[Andrè's cell phone vibrates.] Oh, I gotta take this. Back in a sec. [Leaves into the other room.] Hey, how ya doin'?

Tori:
Oh, right here. On SplashFace, the top seven most popular kiddie songs are all about food.

Cat:
So let's write a kiddie song about food.

Robbie:
[singing and playing guitar] Oh, broken glass is not a food, so don't you listen to some dude who says "put cheese on broken glass and make a sand-a-wich out of broken glass."

Tori:
What is wrong with you?

Jade:
I like it.

Robbie (sings) Lets sing a song about broken glass, I'll help you write it after class, there is no song that can surpass this song we sing...about broken glass.

(Tori and Andre stare at him)

Robbie:
Harmonica solo!

Cat:
Hey you gotta help Jade.

Tori:
With what?

Cat:
She can't get her boobs in the hamburger.

Tori's Slap Status:
Ok...they're IN the hamburger. Now, it's SHOWTIME!!! (for 4 year olds) :/ Mood: FOODY

Henry:
Sing about dinosaurs!

Beck:
(cheerfully) No!

Jade:
Hate this.

Tori:
Thousand bucks.

Jade:
Not enough.

Cat:
I love the Waggafuffels! [sings] Wagga Wagga Wagga Waggafuffels left and right, Wagga Wagga Waggafuffels day and night! Wagga Wagga Wagga-

Rex:
Shut up!

Cat:
[hurt] Rex told me to shut up!

Sikowitz:
Yes, thank you, Rex.

Sikowitz:
This is a very nice thing you guys are doing here.

Tori:
Yeah, yeah. Thousand bucks, right?

Tori:
Apparently we're the Diddly Bops!

Sinjin:
Do another song!

Beck:
(cheerfully) No!

Tori:
Happy birthday Henry!

Jade:
We did this for money. [leaves]

Devon:
[points his finger at Jade] She wrote a bad word!

Jade:
I write what I feel.

Robbie:
Well, it doesn't mean your life is over.

Rex:
It kinda is.

(Jade rips Rex's arm off)

Tori:
It's catchy.

André:
Catchy like a rash.

Tori:
[smiles and claps] That song is so awesome! How'd you turn Favorite Foods into that?

Andrè:
I just stopped drinking my chocolate beverage and got busy.

Trina:
[carrying the hamburger costume downstairs] How did Jade fit her boobs in this hamburger?

Little kid:
That guy's like a hundred years old!

Sikowitz:
I'm 34!

Sinjin:
What's wrong with weird and disturbing?

Tori:
(sees him behind her, then brief silence) Uh...your pants are unzipped.

Sinjin:
...I know.

Mrs. Lee:
Just drag the body out by the dumpster and don't say nothing to nobody!

Jade:
Who sings when they're falling to the bottom of a well?

Mrs. Lee:
Batman?

Tori:
I don't think Batman sings.

Andre:
I think Cat just said something pretty smart.

Cat:
Sorry.

Tori's Newest Status Update on TheSlap:
My sister looks like an avocado exploded in her face. (Actually, that would be SO cool) FEELING: DEVIOUS

Josh:
[goes to Jade] Great work. [holds out his hand]

Jade:
Whatever.

Tori:
Come on. Give Tori a squeeze. [holds out her arms]

Jade:
[hugs Tori]

Jade:
[Imitating Tori] Nothing to worry about.

Tori:
I don't talk like that!

Tori:
Okay, well then it shouldn't be that hard to find someone to put up the money.

Jade:
You'd really find me someone to put up the money to produce my play.

Tori:
I meant that...

Jade:
[Swing scissors] HEY! Did she not say, [Imitating Tori] It shouldn't be that hard to find someone to put up the money.

[After Robbie and Trina break Festus' arm]

Trina:
I just want a tamale!

Lane:
[very fast] Well, you went and broke his tamale-makin' arm so now what!!?

Trina:
Okay, I can picture me, sitting on a pony, wearing a bright purple hat. I-I was wearing the purple hat, not-not the pony. Do they even make pony hats? Anyway, I was looking fabou!

Creator:
Okay, Jade, what do you hate?

Jade:
Uh, tuna fish, flowers, uh, giggling, the word "panties", cilantro, rainbows, ducks...man, I hate ducks. Cramps, string cheese, clocks, wet doorknobs, bras that hook in the front, the color yellow, carpeting...

Tori:
You wanna watch it with us?

Trina:
No. They rejected me!

Tori:
Yeah, but i'm in it!

Trina:
I gotta go change a lightbulb.

Tori:
Um...oh! I know. I squirted hot cheese all over my friend and her current boyfriend, who was my ex-boyfriend, and then I kissed him right in front of her, which I felt really bad about. But then it was okay, 'cause she punched me right in the face.

[Tori and Beck's fake phone conversation:
]

Beck:
Hey, it's Beck.

Tori:
Hi, baby.

Beck:
Sup?

Tori:
My parents aren't home.

Beck:
Oh, that sounds pretty good.

Tori:
I know! I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.

Beck:
So, guess what I want?

Tori:
Aw, you want me to tickle your tummy?

Beck:
Yeah, sure.

Tori:
You should come over.

Beck:
Yeah, my girlfriend's not gonna like that.

Tori:
I won't tell her.

Beck:
Okay, I'll be there soon.

Tori:
Alright. Love you, miss you.

Beck:
You make me happy.

Tori:
[kisses phone] Muaahh!

Beck:
Bye.

Tori:
Later. [hangs up]

Tori:
She almost KILLED me!

Jade:
I wouldn't have actually killed you.

Tori:
Oh, aren't you sweet.

Trina:
Hey, Beck. (sticks arm under his nose) Smell my arm. No perfume - that's my natural scent.

Tori:
I have to live with her.

Tori:
(to Beck) Your lemonade, sir.

Beck:
Thanks. ...hey, why's it pink?

Tori:
It's pink lemonade.

Beck:
I've never seen any pink lemons.

Tori:
There are no pink lemons.

Beck:
...so what makes it pink?

Tori:
Well... you know, it's - shut up!

Andre:
(fake fighting with Beck) Who put my dog in a wedding dress?

Beck:
It was hilarious.

Andre:
Y'know what, this friendship is over.

Beck:
Eat a rag.

Andre:
You eat TWO rags! (to the producers) ...Did ya get all that?

Kyle:
Tori Vega, Beck Oliver, Jade West, and Andre Harris, congratulations! You're all going to be featured on The Wood.

Trina:
And what about me?

Kyle:
No.

Trina:
Why not?

Kyle:
Because you reek of desperation.

Beck:
That's her natural scent.

Teacher:
Tori, can you make your sister leave?

Tori:
Trina, stop embarassing me or I'm gonna embarass you.

Trina:
Don't threaten me!

Tori:
When Trina was six, our family went to the mall just before Christmas-

Trina:
DON'T SAY IT!

Tori:
And she peed.

Trina:
TORI!

Tori:
On Santa Claus.

Trina:
(makes embarassed sound and leaves)

André:
So what's the plan?

Tori:
I don't know. You're smart, she's mean. You think of something.

Tori:
We have to do something.

Cat:
Waffles?

Tori:
I like waffles.

Cat:
One time, when I was seven, I was at the beach and I made a sand castle, and I named it Cat's Castle. (pause) True story.

Beck:
I'll go find some cheerleaders that need a ride home.

Robbie:
Will they be wearing their uniforms?

Beck:
That's what makes them cheerleaders.

Tori:
Okay, would you rather give up the Internet or your foot?

Andre:
Foot.

Cat:
Foot.

Jade:
Foot.

Beck:
(lifts up knee with Jade's foot on it) Jade's foot.

Tori:
You would all rather give up a foot then the internet.

Cat:
Yeah.

Andre:
You love the internet.

Tori:
Yeah, but your foot's like a part of your body and the internet's... Yeah, my foot.

Cat:
This one time I ate a hamburger and an hour later i started sneezing but i don't think it had anything to do with the hamburger.

Jade:
Maybe your red hair dye seeps through your skull and into your brain

Cat:
CAN THAT HAPPEN!?!?

Holly:
Where's Trina?

Cat:
Tori locked her in the bathroom

Tori:
Cat! You weren't supposed to tell her that.

Holly:
I'm okay with it.

Sikowitz:
I spy a fly, with my little thigh!

Tori:
Thigh?

Sikowitz':
[Chases the fly] Come here! Time to die! [crashes through a window]

Rex:
[after Tori kisses him] Take me home.

Beck:
Cat will play a 1980s standup comedian...who's very annoying!

Cat:
I wanna be a unicorn!

Beck:
You can't!

Cat:
Phooey..!

Sikowitz:
Now, Cat! Who will Robbie be playing?

Cat:
Well...i've decided, Robbie's role should be a motivational speaker...

Robbie:
Pfft. I could do that!

Cat:
Who just drank some weird beverage that makes his legs weak and wobbly! (laughs)

Robbie:
Okay, so, uh, i'm a motivational speaker with...jelly legs.

Cat:
Yeah, i'm creative.

Sikowitz:
Wonderful. Robbie, tell us the character you've chosen for Beck.

Robbie:
Sure! One sec. (presses some buttons on his PearPad then turns it to them) Okay. Beck will be playing... (turns the PearPad to face them) A guy from England whose accent is really hard to understand, and he's always invading people's personal space.

Beck:
(in a British accent) No problem.

Sikowitz:
Andre! What do you have in store for Torro?

Tori:
Did you just call me Torro?

Sikowitz:
Maybe.

Tori:
It's To-RI!

Sikowitz:
I know. But I do love that fatty tuna.

Tori:
(to Robbie) Should I be offended?

Andre:
Okay, uh, Tori's character will be a cop who wears way too much red lipstick, and is obsessed with raisin bran.

Tori:
Where did you come up with that?

Andre:
Well, see, I had this dream last night, where this lady cop was like...and she was like...then I was like...I just thought of it.

Sikowitz:
Tori! Tell us what Jade will be.

Tori:
Love to. (As she walks in front of the others, Jade looks worried that Tori will say something she will hate.) Jade will be an innocent farm girl from Alabama who's always super sweet and nice and never gets upset about anything.

Jade:
I'd rather slam my tongue in a car door.

Sikowitz:
Now tell us who Andre will be playing.

Jade:
Ugh, fine... (stands up and walks in front of the others) You're gonna be a guy who's just finished running a marathon...

Andre:
Okay.

Jade:
Who also happens to be nine months pregnant.

Andre:
...Who's the daddy?

Andre:
WAAAAA! I think i'm gonna have a baby! Why did I just run that marathon?!

Tori:
I AM A POLICE OFFICER! Would you like some RAISIN BRAN?!

Andre:
Oh my goodness...I think i'm gonna have a baby!

Charlotte:
BABY?!?

Andre:
AH, WHY DID I RUN THAT MARATHON WHILE I WAS PREGNANT?!?

Charlotte:
What the bogs are you talking about?!

Jason:
I'm going with some guys to see the Waldogs play at the moxie.

Cat:
I'll go with you to see the Waldogs play at the moxie, i'll go right now!

Sikowitz:
EEEECK! Cat...you just broke character. (opens the door)

Cat:
Yay! (drops her microphone and leaves with Jason) Bye, everyone, i'll be at the moxie! (Sikowitz shuts the door after they leave.)

Tori:
And to THINK I was gonna let that boy eat my Raisin Bran!

Tori:
Why don't you stop invading my personal space, and have a little of this Raisin Bran?!

Beck:
(in British accent) I'm game. So why don't you pop a dabble in my mouth.

(Jade burns her hands after touching a very hot tray)

Jade:
My goodness, that tray was hot! Oh, well. Look at it! My skin's starting to blister! And I do believe that's the sweet smell of my burning flesh!

Sikowitz:
Uh, Jade, perhaps I should try----

Jade:
Who's Jade? My name is Betsy-Sue Goldenheart. A happy farm girl who's experiencing extreme pain right now! Aaaooooowwwwwww.... (Jade smiles and exits the house)

Sikowitz:
And yet, she never broke character.

Jade:
MOVE THIS CAR! (glass breaks and a car siren goes off)

Sikowitz:
You broke character!

Tori:
AND...your neighbor's car window. (a police siren wails)

Sikowitz:
Go inside, go inside. (pushes Tori inside and closes the door)

Sikowitz:
(into his walkie) I can't take it anymore-ALRIGHT! (stands up, and turns to face Tori and Beck) Since it's obvious...neither one of you are going to be breaking character anytime soon, and I can't STAND being here with either one of you anymore...I'm going to bed. You can help yourself to anything in the refrigerator but please. (explicitly) Do NOT look in the cabinet under the sink in my bathroom. PLEASE. ...Good night. (walks away)

Beck:
(in British accent) Have you ever seen a carnivorous wildebeest rubbing up fat Dan Schneider walking-

Tori:
I AM A POLICE OFFICER!

Beck:
Egofen.

(Robbie is laughing and eating popcorn while watching Terms of Endearment, a drama film, with David and Holly Vega)

Holly:
Who laughs at Terms of Endearment?

David:
It's not a comedy. (the doorbell rings. David opens the door. It was Cat and Jason)

Cat:
(waving) Hi, Tori's dad!

David:
Hi.

Cat:
This is Jason.

David:
And?

Cat:
Robbie texted me and said you guys are watching a funny movie!

David:
(turns to Robbie) It's not a comedy!

Robbie:
Hey, you guys! Come on in. (Cat and Jason enter the house)

Cat:
Oh, popcorn!!! (Cat eats popcorn and sits along with Jason. Cat starts to laugh) Is that Debra Winger?

Robbie:
Yeah. She's hilarious!

Holly:
She's DYING!

(Cat, Robbie and Jason continue to laugh while watching the movie)

(Robbie, Cat, Andre, Jade and Jason watch Terms of Endearment, a romantic drama film, and they won't stop laughing.)

David :
(annoyingly) HOW is that funny?!

Andre:
Does she ever quit crying?

Jade:
Ah, she'll be dead in minutes. (Both David and Holly get irritated and walk upstairs. Then, Robbie, Cat, Jason, Andre and Jade continue to laugh out loud)

Tori:
Raisin Bran was invented by Kevin McRaisinburg and Jack McBran.

(Tori and Beck have passed out after sleeping on chairs)

Beck:
(in normal voice) Hey, what time is it?

Tori:
...AH! AHHH! YOU...BROKE CHARACTER! YOU LOST! (stands up) I AM A POLICE OFFICER! AND I AM VICTORIOUS! ENJOY SOME RAISIN BRAN, YOU FREAKISH BRIT! (pours some Raisin Bran on a smiling Beck) THIS IS OFFICER PADESCO. CODE THREE! (imitates a police siren noise while running out)

I watch porn

Robbie:
Oh shit yeah beck that feels so good

Beck:
OMG im boutta bust omg omg ugh ugh ugh

Robbie:
Cum in my mouth

Beck:
*cums*

Robbie:
Oh yeah that feels good baby