Weeds, Season 1

Doug:
(Reassuring Nancy that Judah didn't discuss their sex life) The guys who still have sex with their wives usually don't want to jinx it by saying something out loud.

Nancy:
You know the rules..

Josh:
One of your own kind, deal to your own kind. I'm putting the love in the glove.

Celia:
[Watching a video of her daughter] I should've had an abortion.

Isabelle:
Did you see my kick?

Celia:
Yeah, I wanna see more running out there, Isa-belly, now that's what burns the fat.

Shane:
Do you think I'm weird?

Judah:
Totally weird, but you're awesome. Αnd I wouldn't trade you in for any other almost-ten-year-old on earth.

Shane:
What if there's life on other planets and there's an unbelieveable, amazing ten year old out there?

Judah:
Why would I trade down? To me, you're the best dude, you are the amazing unbelievable Shane Botwin.

Celia:
Dean?? You awake? (Buzz go the hair clippers)

Isabelle:
(In the morning, at the breakfast table) Did your hair go to boarding school in Mexico too?

Silas:
Tell me where she is!

Celia:
Why? So you can fly down to mexico and spring her from Casa Reforma?

Silas:
I love her.

Celia:
You stuck your penis in her. That's not love, believe me.

Silas:
I am her family.

Celia:
Ugh, God, poor thing. Do you really think that my daughter had deep romantic feelings for you? Is that what you think? Now I'm sure that you were a fun and sweaty diversion for her, but the truth is Quinn had a day and a half to get all of her ducks in a row before going to Mexico and she didn't call you. She didn't write or IM or e-mail you either, did she? But I'll tell you what she did do, she downloaded 2,000 songs into her ipod and dyed her hair pink with black on the tips. Because all that Quinn cares about is Quinn. She takes after her father that way…. Poor schmuck.

Heylia:
Oh, you poor schmuck, you just played wrong (lays down a domino). That's a boat!

Nancy:
Wait, a boat is when the four ends add up to 20?

Heylia:
A boat is when I spank this boy's black ass for thinking he all that with his three switchin' bitches.

Nancy:
Three switchin' bitches?

Conrad:
It's 15. And a boat is 20. Stop f***in' with her, she's just tryin' to learn the game.

Nancy:
All bun?

Conrad:
No, uh… hot dog.

Heylia:
That's it. Range Rover for stoney clover.

Mr. Norman:
(In a parallel line, leans toward Nancy accusingly) I know what you did. I know you stole that goat. Goat thief!

Nurse:
Mr. Norman, step back into your line.

Mr. Norman:
(towards Nancy) It's the economy stupid. But that goat didn't belong to you, it was a free goat.

Shane:
(from other side) Mom, it really hurts. It's throbbing.

Mr. Norman:
(Whiny) 'It's throbbing, Mom.'

Nancy:
Back off, nutty!

Mr. Norman:
(Turns away, turns back, leans down towards Shane, whining and mocking) Ah, cry baby, wha, wha.

Nancy:
I'm gonna take your free goat and shove it straight up your ass.

Mr. Norman:
(Straightening up) What goat?

Heylia:
Now, I know you got troubles, but like my momma always said, "Tough shit."

Nancy:
What do you do if somebody actually calls to get his house cleaned?

Heylia:
Then I refer 'em to my cousin Zondra, who cleans for real. She don't make shit, but Zondra found the Lord so she don't care.

Vaneeta:
How much you think we get for that? (referring to Nancy's wedding bang and ring)

Heylia:
Nothin'. She'll be back.

Tennis Pro:
We need to go somewhere where we can get very, very drunk.

Celia:
I'm a mean drunk. Let's go.

Celia:
He always did excellent work down there… Piece of shit.

Tennis Pro:
IS that what you think? He's shit?

Celia:
You know, when you stop being cute and clean and funny at home and start spending afternoons with your head buried in the snatch of the tennis pro, yeah, you're a piece of shit.

Tennis Pro:
Dean's a good guy.

Celia:
You know, shut up. I'm very mad at him.

Celia:
He just turned out to be another mid-level asshole. And that makes me Mrs. Mid-level Asshole.

Tennis Pro:
I'm sorry.

Celia:
Your'e a big whore.

Tennis Pro:
I think I should go now

Celia:
Oh, sit your flat ass back down. You know, you're a good listener.

Tennis Pro:
Thanks.

Celia:
F*** you. Let's get another round.

Celia:
(A little tipsy, pulls up next to Nancy in Conrads hoopdie) Hey Nancy! Where's your, where's your ring?

Nancy:
My ring?

Celia:
Yeah, you're pretty little diamond ring.

Nancy:
It's in the shop.

Celia:
Oh, well, I hope they can fix it.

Nancy:
Yes, me too, Celia. Thanks!

Mrs. Elderman:
(On the News) I haven't seen Chester, oh that's my cat, in 2 days. Umm, I dunno though, would a big cat eat a smaller cat? I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?

Doug:
(On phone) Hey listen, I've got somebody here, we'll finish this up at the next counsel meeting. Your turn to bring the vodka. Okay, you too. Yes, yes, I f***ed your wife. Yes, I f***ed your mother. Okay, bye.

Doug:
Oh, it's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam, only better, because you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and stuff.

Doug:
See this Lollipop

Nancy:
It isn't...?

Doug:
Yes, I'm getting high right now and you can't even tell.

Craig X:
(at the Bodhi Sativa Caregivers Club) The first thing you wanna do when you come to the club is check out the big board. On the big board we have all the prices and strains and they do change daily. (To another customer) Hey, Billy, how's the arthritis? All right, cool. (Back to Nancy) What was I saying?

Doug:
Hey, anymore Stephen Hawking? I wanna be wheeled out of here.

Celia:
(Walking into Nancy's House) You really should lock your front door.

Nancy:
I do lock it. But Lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys. Drives me insane.

Celia:
Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.

Nancy:
I still say, we got the better end of that deal.

Nancy:
(Reading flyer) What to do if you meet a mountain lion. Give the mountain lion some room. Don't make eye contact. Talk to the lion softly. Are you sure this isn't what to do if you want to date a mountain lion? Well, I have a lot to do, Celia, so...

Celia:
Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy:
Excuse me?

Celia:
I think I'd like to try it.

Nancy:
With who?

Celia:
Anyone. I don't care. I'm sick of men. Maybe I missed my calling. I mean, what if I was supposed to be a dyke, but just made a wrong turn by mistake. It would explain a hell of a lot. Here's the thing, I really wanna f*** around on Dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock in my mouth is just too depressing.

Nancy:
I'm not sure a vagina would be any kind of improvement for you.

Celia:
Maybe you're right. The truth is, pussy really skeeves me out. That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young, truly a rude awakening.

Celia:
You know, I read somewhere that killing small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior. You should really tell the parents, they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around Agrestic in a white van with blacked out windows.

Celia:
Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Nancy:
None of your business

Celia:
Oh come on, tell me

Nancy:
Okay, I slept with a woman in college

Celia:
How was it?

Nancy:
Boring.

Celia:
Well, maybe you didn't do it right.

Nancy:
She said I was the best she'd ever had.

Celia:
What are you doing Friday night?

Doug:
I'm in a databank?.... I'm in a databank?.... I'm in a databank?

Silas:
(Spray painted on the wall) I'm sorry. P.S. My maid thinks I f***ed a smurf.

Lupita:
Doesn't smell like sage.

Nancy:
Obviously menopause has affected your sense of smell.

Lupita:
I don't smell with my coochie.

Nancy:
Shane, did you shoot the Elderman's cat?

Shane:
What! No! I shot the mountain lion. Right in the eye.

Nancy:
Why?

Shane:
Because that's what Dad would've done.

Celia:
I haven't shit in 3 days. I'm like an African famine baby.

Heylia:
Oh hell no, you don't put weed in my cornbread!

Andy:
Know this, Lupita: until you love me, I've got enough love for the both of us.

Andy:
If there's one thing I learned about the Christ crowd, absolutely no sense of humor. Should've gone after the Jew market, least we can take a joke

Heylia:
Oou, listen to Betty Cracker.

Doug:
If you make something mediocre enough, you might even have a go at it.

Maggie:
Have you all seen these? They are all over the school. And as a Christian, I must say, I am deeply, deeply offended. It's profane.

PTA Mom 1:
Has anyone talked to the principal about this?

Pam:
Who's Chris?

PTA Mom 1:
Oh, we do not joke about our Lord Jesus Christ.

Nancy:
(Laughs) It's a stupid t-shirt. We should ignore it.

Maggie:
Only one man died for my sins, Nancy. And his name wasn't Chris.

Pam:
Well, it sort of was, wasn't it? Like a nickname?

Nancy:
They wanted to suspend him.

Andy:
For what? If Shane wants to believe in Chris, and they try to suspend him for it, Whoa! That's freedom of religion, that's like the first commandment; we could nail 'em on that.

Nancy:
I don't think Chris is protected under "Freedom of Religion," Andy. In fact, the Angry Christian Moms I heard from in the PTA were pretty offended by it.

Andy:
Well that's so intolerant. I mean, what would Jesus do?

Nancy:
Not to mention the amount of shit I'm going to get from those Hypochristian bitch moms I'm going to get tomorrow.

Nancy:
You're the Candyman?

The "Candyman" :
Yes, you getting any exercise?

Nancy:
Excuse me?

The "Candyman" :
If you're not committed to personal fitness, I can't in good conscience sell to you.

Nancy:
I wouldn't say Heylia's in the best shape.

The "Candyman" :
Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her into a diabetic coma. So I have no problem selling to her.

Nancy:
Why?

The "Candyman" :
Scare her. Some people never learn until their life is on the line.

The "Candyman" :
You know what you are?

Nancy:
What?

The "Candyman" :
Skinny-fat. And what are we gonna do about that?

Nancy:
We're gonna start exercising right away.

The "Candyman" :
Don't humor me. I'm very serious. I used to weigh 314 pounds.

Nancy:
Wow. Congratulations.

The "Candyman" :
The key, exercise.

Nancy:
You know, I'm not buying for personal use.

The "Candyman" :
Are your customers just a bunch of Fatty McFat-Fats?

Nancy:
Well they're smokers. But it stands to reason that if they eat rather than smoke, they can breathe easier should they decide to exercise.

The "Candyman" :
That's a reasonable assumption.

Andy:
Hey pants.

Nancy:
Please tell me I didn't hear that you had cyber sex with a 15 year old deaf girl.

Andy:
The way I see it is you're in way over your head here. You got a house, you got bills, you're a mommy. Dealing is a full time job. You need some help, Nancy Pants.

Nancy:
Don't call me pants. Judah called me pants, not you.

Andy:
Hey, I miss him too, Nancy. Whatever you think about me, Judah was my brother. And I loved him. And I have your back.

Guidance Counselor:
(Reading Shane's poetry/rap) My name is Shane/I bring the pain/ Up from the streets of Agrestic/Bitch, you don't wanna sweat this/I cap any motherf***er/You don't wanna test this/Be-

Shane:
"Be-otch." I got rage in me. This is my way of venting.

Guidance Counselor:
Well, you made a lot of people around this school very nervous.

Shane:
Yeah? That's because they're a bunch of bitch ass white boys.

Guidance Counselor:
I hate to break this to you, but you're also a bitch ass white boy.

Shane:
Whatever, I don't care.

Guidance Counselor:
I think you do care. A great deal.

Shane:
Yeah, about what?

Guidance Counselor:
You want approval from your peer group and when you don't get it, when they call you weirdo or Strange Botwin, then you wanna lash out. In this case, through your rap.

Shane:
Yeah, that's it. I just wanna fit in. Can I go now?

Guidance Counselor:
Shane you're here, because there's some concern that you might act on these emotions.

Shane:
I'm not gonna cap any motherf***ers.

Guidance Counselor:
How do I know that?

Shane:
'Cause my therapist says I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.

Guidance Counselor:
You may go.

Insurance Man:
With all due respect, sir, this is not the first time that a crate of carbonated beverages fell form a low flying Cessna and devastated a house.

Dean:
You're kidding?

Andy:
Hey, Doug.

Doug:
Hey, Randy.

Andy:
Andy, it's Andy.

Doug:
Oh really? I thought… It's not Randy? (Andy shakes his head) I've always thought of you as a Randy.

Andy:
Pretty sure.

Doug:
Hmm, wow. Okay.

Andy:
Lookin' for Nancy?

Doug:
Yeah, I am, is she around?

Andy:
No, you can try her cell phone.

Doug:
Oh no, no, she needs to sign some stuff, papers and things. (Hears television in background) Are you watching Incredihoes?

Andy:
Ha, yeah.

Doug:
Oh that's good. I started it 7 or 8 times, I've never seen the whole thing.

Andy:
That's a strong endorsement.

Doug:
It is. Oh… I don't suppose you'd let me watch with you, would ya?

Andy:
That'd be kinda weird

Doug:
Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. Well, enjoy. Orgasmagirl's a squirter.

Andy:
Hey hey hey, spoiler.

Doug:
You know I've got about an 8th of Romula on me.

Andy:
Come on in.

Celia:
High on Ludes. Queen of the Roller Disco. I could f*** against a wall with my skates on, no easy feat.

Andy:
Runway?

Doug:
You know that little piece of skin that runs between your asshole and your balls, or asshole and vagina, that's called a runway.

Andy:
That's called a taint, taint ass, taint equipment.

Doug:
What the hell's that mean? No, I think "runway" is much more of a visual description.

Andy:
It's a taint.

Doug:
Runway.

Andy:
This is a taint.

Doug:
Runway.

Andy:
Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us. What do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?

Lupita:
The coffee table.

Conrad:
This for you Snowflake. This my special blend, I call this here Clark Kent. Just sniff this, right here. It's good, huh?! You smoke this shit and you just wanna rip your clothes off in a phone booth and fight crime. I'm serious!

Heylia:
Hey! Hey! Stop all that damn arguing, this is a house of peace. (Interrupted by gun shots and bullets) Everybody all right?

Vaneeta:
Yeah

Conrad:
Cool. Snowflake? Snowflake?

Vaneeta:
She's in shock, slap her.

Conrad:
I ain't slappin' no white woman.

Heylia:
Move, I'll do it.

Nancy:
No, I'm okay (in a very shaky voice)

Heylia:
You sure?

Nancy:
Yeah (sniff).

Heylia:
all right, let's clean this shit up.

Nancy:
(Giggling a little) Is somebody gonna call the police?

Heylia:
Baby, that probably was the police.

Nancy:
I'm gonna go. Wait, I need my keys.

Conrad:
We got unsettled business, you haven't even talked to me about my car yet. How you gonna get your keys now?

Heylia:
Boy! The girl just had her shootin' cherry broke, give her the keys.

Heylia:
Shit, white folks get soda pop, niggas get bullets.

Andy:
Yeah, I cook, you sell. Come on, Nanc. I don't mind you being out there in front, I'm totally liberated. It's me and you, babe, Team Botwin.

Nancy:
Please leave.

Andy:
I will, just as soon as you sign these papers. There's no water in this tub!

Nancy:
I can't do this right now.

Andy:
You have to. Doug says if you don't hurry, they're gonna put a vitamin store in there. And this town does not need more gingko biloba. It needs pot brownies. Come on, sign.

Nancy:
Andy, today, it was brought to my attention that the down side of this business is death. So right now, I'm not thinking about the bakery, I'm thinking of enrolling in dental hygiene school so my children aren't orphans.

Andy:
If anything happens to you, I will raise Silas and Shane as my own.

Nancy:
(Laughs) Now I pledge never to die.

Andy:
Well, we're gonna have to get a longer lease.

Nancy:
This is my business. This has nothing to do with you. Go downstairs, do what you do best. Patrol the couch in your underwear.

Andy:
Look, this is different. This is my moment. I was born to cook drugs.

Maggie:
Look who's here everyone! It's Celia.

Celia:
Down, Maggie. I have cancer. I'm not retarded.

Maggie:
Celia, you can't smoke in here.

Celia:
Because…?

Big Fun PTA Mom:
Second hand smoke kills.

Maggie:
Celia, did you bring your muffins?

Celia:
I didn't feel like baking.

Maggie:
None of us ever feels like baking.

Pam:
I love baking.

Maggie:
Except Pam. But, we do it anyway, for the sake of our children.

Celia:
Oh, give me a break. You're raising money for a swim team. How much do swimming trunks cost anyway?

Pam:
18.95.

Celia:
I'll tell you what, (hands Pam a 20) keep the change.

Maggie:
So, we're really not getting the muffins, are we?

Celia:
(Gets up to leave) I have in my hands the last pharmaceutical Quaalude on earth. See ya ladies.

Cop:
Sir, you do realize you just rolled through a stop sign?

Andy:
Nice bike. Did your horse die?

Cop:
Sir -

Andy:
You must be in killer shape. Let me see your quads man.

Cop:
May I see your driver's license and registration please.

Andy:
When you arrest people do you ride 'em in on your handlebars or do they just sit on the back with their arms around you?

Cop:
Step out of the car.

Andy:
Oh, come on. Seriously? I'm just having fun. You're a cop in bike shorts. It's adorable.

Cop:
I have a gun.

Andy:
Cool, I'm cool.

Andy:
You know, I don't think you're adorable anymore.

Shane:
I got sent to the school shrink. They'll probably be calling you.

Nancy:
Oh, not again, why this time.

Shane:
I wrote a gangster rap about killing Devon Rensler, with my Gat.

Andy:
Why didn't I just take off? The guy was on a bike for god's sake.

Nancy:
'Cause you're stupid. So, Ms. Greenstein, wha-what happens now?

Ms. Greenstein:
Incarceration, in a medium security prison for no longer than 10 years.

Andy:
10 years?

Ms. Greenstein:
Joke! (Laughs) Listen up everybody, there's nothing to worry about. You're looking at a fine and, probably an anti-drug class.

Nancy:
So, no jail time?

Ms. Greenstein:
You've obviously never sat through an anti-drug class. You had less than an ounce on you, there's no jail for that.

Andy:
Oh, that's bullshit.

Ms. Greenstein:
I don't understand, that's good news.

Andy:
I paid for a full ounce. They f***in' cheated me.

Nancy:
They f***in' saved your ass from going to jail.

Ms. Greenstein:
Still that's very un-cool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain, Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.

Nancy:
So less than an ounce is a misdemeanor?

Ms. Greenstein:
That's only if the cop's an asshole. Most cops just let you go.

Nancy:
What if the marijuana is in baked goods - say, candy or chocolate?

Ms. Greenstein:
(Sing-songy) If you can eat it, you can beat it.

Nancy:
What would get their attention?

Andy:
If I sued 'em, can I sue 'em?

Ms. Greenstein:
All right, you asked for it, you get it. The lay of the land. Marijuana currently exists in the legal gray area, it's not illegal to have weed, less than an ounce that is, Andrew, but it's illegal to buy it.

Nancy:
What about growing?

Ms. Greenstein:
Ah, botany. As long as it's not broken down, non-specific weight, we're talking a slap on the wrist, 3-5.

Nancy:
Years?

Ms. Greenstein:
Probation.

Nancy:
So you can grow it, but you can't break it down?

Ms. Greenstein:
Not unless you wanna go to jail or flee to Mexico. Or Canada. Canada rocks. Primo weed, reeeaaalllly good Chinese food.

Nancy:
Do you have a card? Because you never know in my business when you might need a lawyer.

Ms. Greenstein:
What's your business?

Nancy:
I own a bakery.

Ms. Greenstein:
Smart cover. Call anytime.

Celia:
Is your mom home?

Shane:
Not yet, she went to bail uncle Andy out of jail.

Celia:
Well, tell her I stopped by.

Shane:
Okay… I like your jacket.

Celia:
Well, thank you, Shane. Everyone thinks I've lost my mind.

Shane:
Everyone thinks I'm weird.

Celia:
Well, I can see how you might give that impression.

Shane:
I really don't care what they think.

Celia:
Good for you. Let your freak flag fly.

Shane:
Really?

Celia:
Really. I've recently stopped giving a shit what anyone thinks and I've gotta tell ya, I feel great.

Shane:
But you have cancer.

Celia:
And you have a dead father. Both of us make people really uncomfortable. There's no way around it. So we can feel all self-conscious and pretend everything's normal, or we can just be our strange selves.

Shane:
Thanks, Mrs. Hodes.

Celia:
For what?

Shane:
For telling me the truth.

Celia:
You're welcome. It's a bitch though, ain't it?

Celia:
I was thinking of going bigger.

Nancy:
Bigger?

Celia:
Really big. Like freak show big. 47 triple Fs. So large that other smaller breasts will want to orbit them.

Nancy:
I don't give a flying f*** if you do have cancer. Put your tits away in front of my kid.

Celia:
Sorry. I took a lude.