Welcome Back, Kotter, Season 3

Kotter:
If your contractions start, you time them.

Julie:
Uh-huh.

Kotter:
When they're four minutes apart, you call me.

Julie:
Uh-huh.

Kotter:
If your water breaks, don't touch the toaster.

Woodman:
I'm breaking up the Sweathogs. It's like breaking up the old Yankees. You thought you had me, didn't you? Two outs, bottom of the ninth, but old Woodman hit a home run, and I win! I win, Kotter!

Kotter:
How long have you been without your medication, Mr. Woodman?

Horshack:
We are all here to witness a miracle, the miracle of birth. And Mr. Kotter, miracles cannot be rushed.

Kotter:
Look, Arnold, I am... Arnold, what you just said, that was beautiful. It made a lot of sense.

Horshack:
Of course! Births cannot be rushed. For example, first, the stork has to be notified.

Kotter:
Where's my wife?

Nurse:
Well, she's in the labor room.

Horshack:
Labor room? They're making her work at a time like this?

Julie:
What are we going to name the babies?

Kotter:
Well, what's wrong with 'this one' and 'that one'?

Julie:
Too common.

Woodman:
Teaching this class is about as much fun as root canal work.

Epstein:
I thought all the routes to your canal dried up a long time ago!

[Epstein brings a satchel to watch the lottery drawing]

Kotter:
Epstein, what's that satchel for?

Epstein:
It's for the money. What am I gonna do, stuff 250 G's in my pocket?

Freddie:
Hey, Juan, um, they gonna give us a check.

Epstein:
Oh, no, I don't take checks. Checks bounce.

Kotter:
Well, this one's gonna be from New York State.

Epstein:
Especially those!

[Kotter and Julie are changing the babies]

Kotter:
How come I always get the wet one?

Julie:
Oh, she's just showing off for Daddy.

Kotter:
We gotta break her of this habit before she starts dating.

Julie:
[as the babies cry] Okay, girls, now here's the deal. You can either go to sleep, or you can wash the dishes! [babies stop crying] I knew you'd take the easy way out.

Vinnie:
Mr. Woodman, why don't you take a couple days off and go hang gliding? It's good weather for it: no wind.

Kotter:
[about Horshack] He has joined the cult of Baba Bebe.

Woodman:
Baba Bebe? You mean the one who brainwashes young people?

[Kotter nods]

Woodman:
My kind of guy! [laughs]

Horshack:
My name is Abu Kareem Hassan. What is, is. What was, will be. What will be, was, but will be again.

Vinnie:
We better hurry up, I'm startin' to understand him.

Barbarino:
You know what I think? I think that we moved the furniture and we worked very hard. I think it's Miller time.

Epstein:
Well, we got the time. Who's got the beer?

Epstein:
How'd you figure it was Carvelli, pop?

Kotter:
Ah, good question, number one son. Old Chinese proverb: Man who try to pull wool over eyes wind up with sheep on face.

Barbarino:
I know this. One of these days, you're gonna have to get off them pills and go cold duck.

Freddie:
That's cold turkey, turkey.

Barbarino:
Whatever it is, it's for the birds.

Julie:
Good night, Arnold. [kisses Horshack]

[audience cheers]

Horshack:
Good night...Julie.

Mr. Jan:
Quiet, please. We're trying to-She better be drowning, Woodman, or you're in a lot of trouble.