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Dave Barry

David "Dave" Barry (born July 3, 1947) is a bestselling American author and Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005

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Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

– Dave Barry

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The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

– Dave Barry

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Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

– Dave Barry

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Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

– Dave Barry

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I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

– Dave Barry

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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

– Dave Barry

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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

– Dave Barry

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Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

– Dave Barry

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And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

– Dave Barry

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Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

– Dave Barry

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As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.

– Dave Barry

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Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

– Dave Barry

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I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

– Dave Barry

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I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

– Dave Barry

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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

– Dave Barry

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If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.

– Dave Barry

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In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.

– Dave Barry

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Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.

– Dave Barry

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Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

– Dave Barry

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The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

– Dave Barry

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The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

– Dave Barry

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We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

– Dave Barry

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What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

– Dave Barry

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What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

– Dave Barry

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You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

– Dave Barry

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You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, My God, you're RIGHT I NEVER would've thought of that'

– Dave Barry

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