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George Carlin

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian. He was also an actor and author, and won four Grammy Awards for his comedy albums

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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

– George Carlin

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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

– George Carlin

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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

– George Carlin

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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

– George Carlin

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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

– George Carlin

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

– George Carlin

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Life.....is a series of dogs.

– George Carlin

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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

– George Carlin

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

– George Carlin

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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of ’em are stupider than that.

– George Carlin

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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

– George Carlin

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Keep thy religion to thyself.

– George Carlin

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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

– George Carlin

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As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

– George Carlin

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

– George Carlin

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Everyone smiles in the same language.

– George Carlin

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I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

– George Carlin

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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

– George Carlin

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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

– George Carlin

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In America, anyone can be president. That's the problem.

– George Carlin

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The status quo sucks.

– George Carlin

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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

– George Carlin

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Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

– George Carlin

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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight They never mention that part to us, do they

– George Carlin

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Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

– George Carlin

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Quotes from the news wire:

Lenny opened the doors for the comics today, he made it possible to think that someone could even be funny that way.

– George Carlin

Found on CNN 7 years ago

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