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Stephen Colbert

Stephen Tyrone Colbert is an American political satirist, writer, comedian, television host, and actor.

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Louis Cato has done a great job this summer, and Louis Cato is very humble, so he won't say this. But I will. He's a musical genius. He can play basically every instrument over there. Give him an afternoon, he'll learn how to play Mozart on a shoehorn.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 2 years ago

We've been so lucky to have a front row seat to Jon's incredible talent for the past seven years. And will we miss Louis Cato here ? ' Yeaaa !' But we're happy for you, Jon Lampley, and I can't wait to have Jon Lampley back on as guest with Jon Lampley next hit record.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 2 years ago

This was first-degree puppetry.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 2 years ago

It's predictable why these TV talkers are talking like this on the TV. They want to talk about something other than the January 6th hearings on the actual seditious insurrection that led to the deaths of multiple people, but drawing any equivalence between rioters storming our Capitol to prevent the counting of electoral ballots and a cigar-chomping toy dog is a shameful and grotesque insult to the memory of everyone who died.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 2 years ago

Which actually isn't that surprising. The Capitol police are much more cautious than The Capitol police were, say, 18 months ago, and for a very good reason, if you don't know what that reason is, I know which news network you watch.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 2 years ago

Today the average gas price in America hit an all-time record high over $4 per gallon. OK, that stings, but a clean conscience is worth a buck or two. It's important. It's important. I'm willing to pay $4 a gallon. Hell, I'll pay $15 a gallon because I drive a Tesla.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 2 years ago

I've been asked by CBS to host' The Late Show ''' until 2023, and I have every intention of honoring their subpoena.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 5 years ago

You really feel the ground shifting under your feet, but if you're home, you've got a seatbelt on your couch. No. 1, why ? No. 2, buckle up.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 5 years ago

And one nickel is a lot, you can take a streetcar to the Ziegfeld and see a talkie... and still have enough left over for an egg cream at Woolworth's.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 5 years ago

Most of it was a bunch of guys with no chance to win the Democratic nomination yelling Republican talking points at the people who can, it was like watching the seven dwarfs offering Snow White a poison apple.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 5 years ago

Ouch, Fox News ! You pledged to be there for him, for better or worse.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 5 years ago

I know there's some polls out there saying that this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 5 years ago

I've said one or two things about Donald Trump, like how he's a terrible president, so... I'm just going to bite the bullet and say it : Mr. President if you're watching, and I know you are, I'm sorry that you're a terrible president.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 5 years ago

I say troubling news because if Donald Trump is not working with the Russians then what the hell is wrong with Donald Trump ? if they don't have anything on Robert Mueller, why does Robert Mueller keep saying nice things about Vladimir Putin ?

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 5 years ago

At the heart of so many of our public discussions right now is the story of powerful men protecting other men in power, and there are a lot of examples of this.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 6 years ago

I'm grateful to CNN for writing this article. The press is not the enemy of the people, this is why you want a free press, this is why you want investigative journalism. It's to make sure that government and companies and people are accountable for their actions.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 6 years ago

I never thought I’d say this, but you’re only 81! You know what they say, they say 81 is the new 79. And don’t tell me your mind’s going. Because I’ve read Bush v. Gore and Citizens United, you never had one, oh, we are supremely screwed.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 6 years ago

Hey, don't bring God into this, but if he just read a little bit further into Romans 13:10,' Love thy neighbor as thyself. Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law.'.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 6 years ago

Now usually for me to talk about a news story on this show, especially a tragic one, it has to be something that everybody's already talking about... But this story is different, because this is the conversation everyone should be having, i would cite Stephen Colbert to the Apostle Paul and his clear and wise command in Romans 13 to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on CNN 6 years ago

Examples of men who were not held accountable for their behavior, especially men in power with younger women or people who worked for them, is worthy of being readjudicated or adjudicated for the first time, no matter how long ago it happened.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 6 years ago

Hmmm – a couple of spanks and Trump started acting more appropriate. John Kelly, you know what to do.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 6 years ago

And I’m like, ‘It’s still not over? His awfulness is still happening?’.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 6 years ago

Classic defense. ' How can I be racist ? I have pictures with black people,'.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 6 years ago

But we know you’re not.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 6 years ago

The way I was going to approach talking to him about this subject, which I knew he didn’t want to talk about, was people in the movie talk about rumors of sexual impropriety by one of the characters. At like minute 42, one of the characters says ‘can you separate the artist from the rumors about him?’ How would you answer that question? That was going to be my tack.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 7 years ago

No. Your movie‘Stuart Saves His Family ’ was intended to be funny but was n’t, that photo was intended to embarrass His Family '. That’s why he did it while His Family ' was asleep.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 7 years ago

I guess there are no good people left, so let’s just get it over with, just tell us whatever you did, Jimmy Carter ! Barack Obama ! Tom Hanks ! Malala !

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 7 years ago

Now, if you saw my monologue Monday, you know that I was a little upset at Donald Trump forinsulting a friend of mine, so at the end of that monologue I had a few choice insults for the president in return. I don’t regret that. He, I believe, can take care of himself. I have jokes; he has the launch codes. So, it’s a fair fight. So while I would do it again, I would change a few words that were cruder than they needed to be.

– Stephen Colbert

Found on FOX News 7 years ago

Creating a company is almost like having a child, so it’s sort of like, how do you say your child should not have food?

– Stephen Colbert