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It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

– Woody Allen

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Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.

– Woody Allen

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Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

– Woody Allen

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How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.

– Woody Allen

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Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.

– Woody Allen

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I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

– Woody Allen

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If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

– Woody Allen

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

– Woody Allen

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I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, and receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.

– Woody Allen

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For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

– Woody Allen

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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

– Woody Allen

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At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

– Woody Allen

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Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

– Woody Allen

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Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?

– Woody Allen

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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

– Woody Allen

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For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal

– Woody Allen

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

– Woody Allen

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How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

– Woody Allen

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I am at two with nature.

– Woody Allen

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I believe there is something out there watching over us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

– Woody Allen

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

– Woody Allen

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I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

– Woody Allen

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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

– Woody Allen

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I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

– Woody Allen

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I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

– Woody Allen

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I was thrown out of NYU for cheating - with the Dean's wife.

– Woody Allen

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I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.

– Woody Allen

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I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

– Woody Allen

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If only God would give me some clear sign Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

– Woody Allen

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If you look like your passport photo, you're too sick to travel.

– Woody Allen

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they left things.

– Woody Allen

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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

– Woody Allen

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It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

– Woody Allen

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It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

– Woody Allen

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Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

– Woody Allen

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Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

– Woody Allen

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

– Woody Allen

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More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

– Woody Allen

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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

– Woody Allen

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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

– Woody Allen

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Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

– Woody Allen

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On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

– Woody Allen

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Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

– Woody Allen

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Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

– Woody Allen

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Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

– Woody Allen

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The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

– Woody Allen

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The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

– Woody Allen

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The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

– Woody Allen

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The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

– Woody Allen

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There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

– Woody Allen

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

– Woody Allen

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Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

– Woody Allen

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We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.

– Woody Allen

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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

– Woody Allen

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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists

– Woody Allen

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What kind of government is this? It's getting more like California all the time.

– Woody Allen

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When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

– Woody Allen

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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

– Woody Allen

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Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

– Woody Allen

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You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

– Woody Allen

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Quotes from the news wire:

It’s so preposterous, and yet the smear has remained, and they still prefer to cling to, if not the notion that I molested Dylan, the possibility that I molested her. Nothing that I ever did with Dylan in my life could be misconstrued as that.

– Woody Allen

Found on FOX News 3 years ago

I am credible and I am telling the truth.

– Woody Allen

Found on FOX News 6 years ago

I'm not sure where to begin.

– Woody Allen

Found on CNN 8 years ago

I am completely in favor of comedians making any jokes they want, i am a non-judgmental or [ non ] - censorship person on jokes. I ’m a comic Woody Allen and I feel they should be free to make whatever jokes they want.

– Woody Allen

Found on FOX News 8 years ago

I never read anything about me, these interviews I do, anything. I said everything I had to say about that whole issue in the New York Times, i have moved so far past it. I never think about it. I work. I said I was never going to comment on it again. I said everything I have to say about it. When asked by Variety if he ’ll ever read the piece, Woody Allen responded with a lengthy answer — that compared a son’s indictment of his father to a bad review.

– Woody Allen

Found on FOX News 8 years ago

It’s your son. i’ve said all I have to say about it.

– Woody Allen

Found on FOX News 8 years ago

I’ve said all I have to say about it.

– Woody Allen

Found on FOX News 8 years ago

I'm 80 and I can't believe it ! i'm so youthful, agile, nimble, spry, mentally alert that it's astonishing.

– Woody Allen

Found on Reuters 8 years ago

If this was years ago, I would have played this part much more narrowly Woody Allen because I'm a comedian, not Woody Allen. Kristen Stewart and Jesse Eisenberg gave it much more complexity.

– Woody Allen

Found on Reuters 8 years ago

I started the relationship with her and I thought it would just be a fling. It wouldn’t be serious, but it had a life of its own. And I never thought it would be anything more. Then we started going together, then we started living together, and we were enjoying it. And the age difference didn’t seem to matter. It seemed to work in our favor actually.

– Woody Allen

Found on FOX News 9 years ago

I ca n’t go to Paris with you. out Came the Sun.

– Woody Allen

Found on FOX News 9 years ago

I don’t know how I got into this, i have no ideas and I’m not sure where to begin. My guess is that Roy Price will regret this.

– Woody Allen

Found on FOX News 9 years ago

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