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I had promised my brother [ Dylan ] that I would make sure that we got out alive, i carried so much guilt because he did n’t live, and I did. I felt like it should have been the other way around. I handled all of that in very unhealthy ways. I started drinking at age 13, smoking marijuana and hanging out with older people. I was trying to numb everything. And there was a possibility that my dad might die. I did n’t know what to do.