'Til Death

[first lines]

Joy Stark:
Phone!

Eddie Stark:
We're not here! Don't answer that!

Joy Stark:
What if it's an emergency?

Eddie Stark:
Who would call us in an emergency? You're panicky and I'm too big to fit in small spaces!

[last lines]

Steph Woodcock:
Sorry I got so crazy about this whole thing. I guess I get a little nuts when people challenge me. I think it's because someone else is doing all the work. Maybe if we did something together I wouldn't become such a lunatic. I was thinking, maybe we could sponge-paint the dining room together. Doesn't that sound like fun?

[first lines]

Eddie Stark:
Ah, can't wait.

Dad:
Oh, you folks are gonna have to move, this our table.

Joy Stark:
Huh? How's that?

Dad:
We put the ketchups there.

Joy Stark:
Oh, you think you can hold a table with condiments. [laughs] That is just adorable!

[last lines]

Eddie Stark:
I made it! It went in! It went in, it went in!

Joy Stark:
Sure it did, babe.

Eddie Stark:
It went in.

[first lines]

Joy Stark:
Thank you. Eddie, I got these gorgeous flowers and I've no idea who they're from, there's no card.

Eddie Stark:
Oh! Actually they're from me.

[Joy laughs]

Eddie Stark:
No, seriously, they're from me.

[last lines]

Todd:
Great play boss.

Karl:
Yeah, just a wild guess, you were a virgin *all* the way through college?

[first lines]

Cofeld:
Okay, okay. [Grunts] Hey Eddie, hey man w-would you scratch my back?

Eddie Stark:
Um... no.

Cofeld:
Why not?

Eddie Stark:
Because guys don't scratch other guys' backs. It crosses the line.

Cofeld:
What line?

Eddie Stark:
The my finger's touching your body, line.

[last lines]

Jeff Woodcock:
[entering] Hey man!

Eddie Stark:
Hey.

Jeff Woodcock:
Do you want me to scratch your back?

Eddie Stark:
Double-claw me but don't tell anyone.

Jeff Woodcock:
[scratching Eddie's back] Hey how about you do me after?

[first lines]

Jeff Woodcock:
So, huh, you guys just invited us over for brunch? It's strangely friendly of you.

Joy Stark:
We just wanted to thank you for that awesome cappuccino maker that you got us.

Jeff Woodcock:
[surprised] Cappuccino maker? Well right, yeah, you're, huh, you're [confused glance at Steph] welcome.

Joy Stark:
So great! Now our kitchen looks juts like the Williams-Sonoma catalog, except for, you know, us.

[last lines]

Steph Woodcock:
Huh, we got it back sweetie.

Jeff Woodcock:
Would you look at that!

Steph Woodcock:
You know what? I never should've given it away in the first place. I'm really sorry.

Jeff Woodcock:
Oh, no! Look baby, I... I overreacted, it was just, you know, we were getting married and my mother, the woman who bore me took a day off from the bottling factory and took the bus downtown and dug deep into her heart and her bank account and bought us this.

Steph Woodcock:
Hey! What's this sticker on the back?

Jeff Woodcock:
Thank you for trying out for Wheel Of Fortune, please enjoy this consolation prize. [pause] It's a re-gift... that b*tch!

[first lines]

Mindy:
Hey, I'm heading into the kitchen, you want me to grab that?

Joy Stark:
No, I'm holding on to the wine until they see that I brought it.

[last lines]

Eddie Stark:
[doing impressions] Are you ready grandpa? Give me a C, a bouncy C! [weezy laugh] Oh Eddie, you shouldn't have. [weezy laugh] Uh-uh-uh there you go little lady.

[first lines]

Kid:
I like Christian, um... he likes to play with my hair all the time. I think it's because his mom has long blonde hair. I think I'm a substitute for his mother [laughs] .

[last lines]

Joy Stark:
Come on, pour me some sangria and teach me the words to Shalamar.

Eddie Stark:
Ah! Now you're talkin'. [starts singing] It was a sad and lonely sunset, a whisper of a star! There was a fiery woman named Joy...

Jeff Woodcock:
Jeff!

Eddie Stark:
[singing] And a horse called Shalamar!

Joy Stark:
[singing] Shalamar!

Eddie Stark:
[singing] Ride, little pony, ride!

Joy Stark:
[singing] Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah Shalamar!

Eddie Stark:
[singing] Yeah, that little pony would ride!

Joy Stark:
[singing] Ooh!

Eddie Stark:
[singing] It's a little pony from heaven!

Eddie Stark:
[into a recorder] Test number 39, chocolaty, cheessy [he takes a bite of nachos with chocolate syrup in it] subject, not feeling well.

[first lines]

Joy Stark:
Okay, remember that the garbage goes out on Tuesday and if you see a man in the bushes it's probably just the gardener so please don't call 911... again. And I put backup toilet paper in all the bathrooms because I won't be here to rescue you when you start yelling Joy! TP! Now!

Eddie Stark:
I'm just trying to save us all the embarassment of me shuffling across the hall to the linen closet.

[last lines]

Eddie Stark:
Dear God, it's me, Edward. I know we haven't spoken in a while and... I just wanna say that I'm sorry for those terrible names I called you when I was passing my kidney stone. In retrospect that mut've been very hurtful. I'm also sorry for the... bad things I... said to my wife, but you didn't have to take both her and TV from me. To take one or the other would've been fair, but both, quite frankly is... showboating.

Joy Stark:
[entering] Eddie I'm home!

Eddie Stark:
Ah! Oh! Did I miss you! OK, come here. [kisses Joy multiple times] Did you miss me?

Joy Stark:
[forced smile] Yeah

Commercial Announcer:
Bienvenidos a Telemundo!

Eddie Stark:
Gracias, mi Dios!

[first lines]

Joy Stark:
Ow! What are you doing?

Eddie Stark:
What do you mean what am I doing? I'm playing footsie!

Joy Stark:
OK, footsie would imply something cute and playful... you're sawing through my Achilles tendon with your big toenail!

[last lines]

Eddie Stark:
All right, now listen. Remember, our wives have probably spent the entire evening eating their cookie dough ice cream and crying about what we've been doing tonight, OK? So listen, no matter what happens on the other side of this door, do not show the guilt.

Jeff Woodcock:
Got it.

Eddie Stark:
OK

[Eddie opens the door and they step into the Starks' living room where Joy and Steph are passed out on the couch with markings on their faces]

Eddie Stark:
I don't know what happened here buddy, but I think you're off the hook.

[first lines]

Joy Stark:
Hey! [removes Eddie's headphones] Hellooo!

Eddie Stark:
Hey!

Joy Stark:
It's supposed to be spring cleaning.

Eddie Stark:
I found my old headphones, yeah and the left side still works except you have to hold the cord like this or you get a pretty good shock.

[last lines]

Eddie Stark:
[Upon finding a picture in the Woodcocks' trash] Well, well, well, hello there young master Jeffrey... where on Earth are your pants? [pause] This is gonna look great on a baseball cap!

[first lines]

Eddie Stark:
'Morning!

Joy Stark:
Good morning to you.

Eddie Stark:
Watcha got going on there?

Joy Stark:
I'm paying our credit card bill.

Eddie Stark:
Well why you sending them 500 dollars?

Joy Stark:
Because we owe them 1200.

[last lines]

[Jeff is having trouble breathing]

Steph Woodcock:
Shhh, in and out.

Jeff Woodcock:
OK. How do you know him again?

Eddie Stark:
[after pulling out a recently constructed wooden pig from behind the sofa] Boom, make some room!

[first lines]

Eddie Stark:
Come on Joy, hurry up, he's gonna be here any minute!

Joy Stark:
Eddie, Webby comes back to Philly every year and each time you see him you act like you're about to lose your virginity.

Eddie Stark:
Joy, let me tell you, Webby is a lot more fun than something that happened in theback of my uncle's van. H-he he's untamed, he's unwed, he has no responsabilities, uh, do you know that he's a ski instructor every winter in Aspen and in the summer he can pick what island he wants to bartend on, huh?

Joy Stark:
I know, he's the James Bond of unemployed middle-aged men.

[last lines]

Joy Stark:
Yeah, about that, um, you know the thing with, huh, Denise and Webby probably isn't... gonna work out. She told me, in the bathroom that she's gonna... break up with him.

Eddie Stark:
What? W-Why would anybody break up with Webby?

Joy Stark:
Well it turns out that Webby... is... too much man for one woman! Webby... belongs to the world.

Eddie Stark:
Oh, you learned a little lesson, huh? Trying to fix Webby up? You wanted to tame Webby but you can't!

Joy Stark:
OK sweetie.

Eddie Stark:
Yeah.

Joy Stark:
Yeah.

Eddie Stark:
Can't tame Webby! Same way you can't grab hold of the wind!

Joy Stark:
No you cannot grab the wind!

Eddie Stark:
That's right! You're damn right, it can't be done!

Joy Stark:
Cannot be done!

Eddie Stark:
He is magnificient!