American Beauty

Lester Burnham:
You don't get to tell me what to do ever again.

Ricky Fitts:
You're right, I suck dick for money.

Colonel Frank Fitts:
Boy...

Ricky Fitts:
Two thousand dollars, I'm that good.

Colonel Frank Fitts:
Get out.

Ricky Fitts:
And you should see me f***. I'm the best piece of ass in three states.

Colonel Frank Fitts:
Get out! I don't ever want to see you again.

Ricky Fitts:
What a sad old man you are.

Carolyn Burnham:
Are you trying to look unattractive?

Jane Burnham:
Yes.

Carolyn Burnham:
Well, congratulations. You've succeeded admirably.

Ricky Fitts:
I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.

Carolyn Burnham:
Uh, who's car is that out front?

Lester Burnham:
Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!

Lester Burnham:
Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.

Carolyn Burnham:
Uh Buddy, this is my...

Lester Burnham:
Her husband. We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.

Angela Hayes:
This is my first time.

Angela Hayes:
What do you want?

Lester Burnham:
Are you kidding? I want you.

Ricky Fitts:
Welcome to America's weirdest home videos.

Lester Burnham:
Look at me, jerking off in the shower... This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.

Lester Burnham:
I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.

Jane Burnham:
I know you think my dad's harmless, but you're wrong.

Carolyn Burnham:
You ungrateful little brat! Just look at everything you have. When I was your age, we... lived in a duplex! We didn't even have our own house!

Carolyn Burnham:
F*** me, your majesty!

Angela Hayes:
Yeah? Well at least I'm not ugly!

Ricky Fitts:
Yes you are, and you're boring and totally ordinary and you know it.

Brad Dupree:
Man, you are one twisted f***.

Lester Burnham:
Nope, I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.

Lester Burnham:
Then I guess I'll have to throw in a sexual harassment charge.

Brad Dupree:
Against who?

Lester Burnham:
Against YOU. Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me?

Brad Dupree:
Man, you are one twisted f***.

Lester Burnham:
No, Brad; I'm just an ordinary guy who has nothing left to lose.

Ricky Fitts:
It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it. And this bag was, like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

Jim Olmeyer:
Do you just want to lose weight, or are you looking to increase strength and flexibility as well?

Lester Burnham:
I want to look good naked!

Ricky Fitts:
So, do you party?

Lester Burnham:
Excuse me?

Ricky Fitts:
Do you get high?

Catering Boss:
I'm not paying you to do... whatever it is you're doing out here.

Ricky Fitts:
Fine. So don't pay me.

Catering Boss:
Excuse me?

Ricky Fitts:
I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone.

Catering Boss:
...a**hole.

Lester Burnham:
I think you just became my personal hero!

Carolyn Burnham:
Honey, I'm so proud of you. I watched you very closely, and you didn't screw up once!

Carolyn Burnham:
There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life.

Brad Dupree:
Got a minute?

Lester Burnham:
For you, Brad, I've got five!

Angela Hayes:
If people I don't even know look at me and want to f*** me, it means I really have a shot at being a model.

Ricky Fitts:
My dad thinks I paid for all this with catering jobs. Never underestimate the power of denial.

Lester Burnham:
This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.

Lester Burnham:
Remember those posters that said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"? Well, that's true of every day but one - the day you die.

Jane Burnham:
I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts every time I bring a girlfriend home from school.

Jane Burnham:
Are you scared?

Ricky Fitts:
I don't get scared.

Jane Burnham:
My parents will try to find me.

Ricky Fitts:
Mine won't.

Angela Hayes:
It's that psycho next door. Jane, what if he worships you? What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?

Ricky Fitts:
I was filming this dead bird.

Angela Hayes:
Why?

Ricky Fitts:
Because it's beautiful.

Lester Burnham:
How's Jane?

Angela Hayes:
What do you mean?

Lester Burnham:
I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it.

Angela Hayes:
She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love.

Lester Burnham:
Good for her.

Angela Hayes:
How are you?

Lester Burnham:
God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that... I'm great.

Angela Hayes:
I've gotta go to the bathroom.

Lester Burnham:
I'm great.

Carolyn Burnham:
Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?

Lester Burnham:
Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go f*** himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.

Carolyn Burnham:
Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.

Lester Burnham:
And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a f***ing prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.

Carolyn Burnham:
How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.

Lester Burnham:
Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.

Carolyn Burnham:
Honey, don't be weird!

Lester Burnham:
You don't think it's kinda weird & fascist?

Carolyn Burnham:
Possibly, but you don't want to be unemployed.

Lester Burnham:
Oh well, alright, let's all sell our souls and work for Satan because it's more convenient that way.

Mr. Smiley's Manager:
I don't think you'd fit in here.

Lester Burnham:
I have fast food experience.

Mr. Smiley's Manager:
Yeah, like twenty years ago!

Lester Burnham:
Well, I'm sure there have been amazing technological advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It seems unfair to presume I won't be able to learn.

Carolyn Burnham:
Well, I see you're smoking pot now. I think using psychotropic drugs is a very positive example to set for our daughter.

Lester Burnham:
You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grabbing freak.

Carolyn Burnham:
What the hell do you think you're doing?

Lester Burnham:
Uh oh! Mom's upset! Working out. I'm going to whale on my pecs and then do my back.

Colonel Frank Fitts:
You need structure... and discipline.

Ricky Fitts:
Thank you for trying to teach me, sir. Don't give up on me, Dad.

Carolyn Burnham:
My company sells an image. It's part of my job to live that image.

Carolyn Burnham:
What are you doing?

Lester Burnham:
Nothing.

Carolyn Burnham:
You were masturbating!

Lester Burnham:
I was not.

Carolyn Burnham:
Yes you were!

Lester Burnham:
Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!

Lester Burnham:
When I was your age, I flipped burgers all summer just to be able to buy an eight-track.

Ricky Fitts:
That sucks.

Lester Burnham:
No, actually it was great. All I did was party and get laid. I had my whole life ahead of me.

Buddy Kane:
In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times.

Carolyn Burnham:
I refuse to be a victim!

Jane Burnham:
Somebody should just put him out of his misery.

Ricky Fitts:
Do you want me to kill him?

Jane Burnham:
Yeah, would you?

Colonel Frank Fitts:
Where's your wife?

Lester Burnham:
Uh, I dunno. Probably out f***ing that dorky, prince-of-real-estate a**hole. And you know what? I don't care.

Colonel Frank Fitts:
Your wife is with another man and you don't care?

Lester Burnham:
Nope. Our marriage is just for show. A commercial for how normal we are when we're anything but.

Lester Burnham:
So Janie, how was school?

Jane Burnham:
It was okay.

Lester Burnham:
Just okay?

Jane Burnham:
No dad, it was spectacular.

Angela Hayes:
What a freak! And why does he dress like a bible salesman?

Jane Burnham:
He's just so confident, it can't be real.

Angela Hayes:
I don't believe him. I mean, he didn't even like, look at me once!

Angela Hayes:
I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.

Angela Hayes:
So, you're f***ing psycho-boy on a regular basis now? Tell me, has he got a big dick?

Jane Burnham:
It's not like that.

Angela Hayes:
What, hasn't he got one?

Jane Burnham:
I'm not going to talk about his dick with you, OK?

Carolyn Burnham:
Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!

Lester Burnham:
On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't f*** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!

Angela Hayes:
I'm serious. He just pulled down his pants and yanked it out. You know, like, "Say hello to Mr. Happy."

Playground Girl #1:
Gross.

Angela Hayes:
It wasn't gross. It was kinda cool.

Playground Girl #1:
So did you do it with him?

Angela Hayes:
Of course I did. He's like a really well known photographer. He shoots for "Elle" on like a regular basis. It would have been so majorly stupid of me to turn him down.

Playground Girl #2:
You are a total prostitute.

Angela Hayes:
Hey! That's how things really are. You just don't know 'cause you're this pampered little suburban chick.

Playground Girl #2:
So are you. You've only been in "Seventeen" once and you looked fat! So stop acting like you're goddamn Christy Turlington!

Angela Hayes:
C*nt! I am so sick of people taking their insecurities out on me.

Jane Burnham:
I don't think we can be friends anymore.

Angela Hayes:
You're way too uptight about sex.

Jane Burnham:
Just don't f*** my dad, all right? Please?

Angela Hayes:
Why not?

Ricky Fitts:
She's not your friend. She's just someone you use to feel good about yourself.

Angela Hayes:
Jane, he's a freak!

Jane Burnham:
Then so am I! And we'll always be freaks and we'll never be like other people and you'll never be a freak because you're just too... perfect!

Angela Hayes:
You total slut, you have a crush on him. You're defending him, you love him, you wanna have, like, ten thousand of his babies.

Lester Burnham:
My name is Lester Burnham. This is my neighborhood; this is my street; this is my life. I am 42 years old; in less than a year I will be dead. Of course I don't know that yet, and in a way, I am dead already.

Jane Burnham:
Could he be any more pathetic?

Angela Hayes:
I think it's sweet. And I think he and your mother have not had sex in a long time.

Colonel Frank Fitts:
What is this? The f***ing Gay Pride parade!

Jim Olmeyer:
Hello! We're your neighbors from two doors down and we just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood!

Jim "JB" Berkely:
Everything's from our garden, except for the pasta.

Jim Olmeyer:
Yes, it's from Fizzoli's, it's amazingly fresh, you just pop it in water and it's done! I'm Jim Olmeyer

Jim Olmeyer:
And this is my partner Jim.

Jim "JB" Berkely:
Jim Berkely, but people call me J.B.

Colonel Frank Fitts:
Ah, let's just cut to it, what are you selling?

Jim Olmeyer:
Nothing, we just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.

Colonel Frank Fitts:
You said you're partners, so, uh what's your business?

Jim Olmeyer:
Well, he's a tax attorney.

Jim "JB" Berkely:
And he's an anesthesiologist.

Ricky Fitts:
I didn't mean to scare you. I just think you're interesting.

Lester Burnham:
Man, oh man. Man, oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man.

Ricky Fitts:
It's like God's looking right at you, just for a second, and if you're careful you can look right back.

Jane Burnham:
And what do you see?

Ricky Fitts:
Beauty.

Carolyn Burnham:
I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today.

Carolyn Burnham:
Oh, I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here?

Lester Burnham:
I'm not? Well then come on, baby, I'm ready!

Janie:
I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts whenever I bring a girlfriend home from school. What a lame-o. Somebody really should just put him out of his misery.

Ricky:
Want me to kill him for you?

Janie:
Yeah, would you?

Janie:
Dad. Mom's waiting for you.

Lester:
Well, it was very nice meeting you, Angela. Any friend of Janie's is a friend of mine. Well, I'll be seeing you around, then.

Janie:
Could he be any more pathetic?

Angela:
I think it's sweet. And I think he and your mother have not had sex in a long time.

Carolyn:
What are you doing?

Lester:
Nothing.

Carolyn:
You were masturbating!

Lester:
I was not.

Carolyn:
Yes you were!

Lester:
Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!

Carolyn:
That's disgusting!

Lester:
Well forgive me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.

Carolyn:
So do I.

Lester:
Really?! Well, I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it!

Carolyn:
Lester, I refuse to live like this! This is not a marriage!

Lester Burnham:
This hasn't been a marriage, for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what, I've changed! And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department!

Carolyn:
Oh, I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here?

Lester:
I'm not? Well, then, come on, baby, I'm ready!

Carolyn:
Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!

Lester:
On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't f*** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!

Carolyn:
I see you're smoking pot now. I'm so glad. I think using illegal psychotropic substances is a very positive example to set for our daughter.

Lester:
You're one to talk, you bloodless, money­ grubbing freak.

Carolyn:
Lester. You have such hostility in you!...Lester, you will not get away with this. You can be sure of that!

Brad:
[reading Lester's job description] "My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the a**holes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn't so closely resemble Hell." Well, you have absolutely no interest in saving yourself.

Lester:
Brad, for 14 years I've been a whore for the advertising industry. The only way I could save myself now is if I start firebombing.

Brad:
Whatever. Management wants you gone by the end of the day.

Lester:
Well, just what sort of severance package is management prepared to offer me? Considering the information I have about our Editorial Director buying p*ssy with company money - which, I think, would interest the I.R.S., since it technically constitutes fraud; and I'm sure that some of our advertisers and rival publications might like to know about it as well. Not to mention, [grins] Craig's wife!

Brad:
What do you want?

Lester:
One year's salary, with benefits.

Brad:
That's not going to happen.

Lester:
Well, what do you say I throw in a little sexual harassment charge, to boot?

Brad:
[chuckles in disbelief] Against who?

Lester:
[he chuckles right back] Against YOU. Can you prove that you didn't offer to save my job if I let you blow me?

Brad:
Man, you are one twisted f***.

Lester:
Nope; I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.

Ricky:
[about a dead homeless woman he filmed] When you see something like that, it's like God is looking right at you, just for a second. And if you're careful, you can look right back.

Jane:
And what do you see?

Ricky:
Beauty.

Janie:
Sorry I'm late.

Carolyn:
No, that's quite all right, dear. Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. [to Lester] Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?

Lester:
Janie, today I quit my job.

Carolyn:
[laughs]

Lester:
And then I told my boss to go f*** himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.

Carolyn:
[laughing] Your father seems to think this kind of behavior is something to be proud of!

Lester:
And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a f***ing prisoner while she keeps my dick in a Mason jar under the sink.

Carolyn:
How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you lose your job.

Lester:
I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I quit! Pass the asparagus.

Carolyn:
Oh! Oh! Oh! And I want to thank you for putting me under the added pressure of being the sole breadwinner now!

Lester:
I already have a job.

Carolyn:
No, no, don't give a second thought as to who's gonna pay the mortgage. We'll just leave it all up to Carolyn! You mean you're gonna take care of everything now, Carolyn? Yes. I don't mind, I really don't. You mean everything? You don't mind having the sole responsibility, your husband feels he can just quit his job and you don't--

Lester:
[overlapping] Will someone please pass me the f***ing asparagus?

Jane:
[standing] Okay, guys, I'm not gonna be a part of this.

Lester:
Sit down! [Janie sits. Lester stands up, walks to the other side of the table, picks up the plate of asparagus, then sits back down] I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist. You two do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it, and I don't complain. Now all I want is the same--

Carolyn:
[interrupting] Oh, you don't complain? Oh please! Excuse me! Excuse me! I must be psychotic, then! If you don't complain, what is this? [Lester stands with the asparagus plate in his hand] Yeah, let's bring in the laugh-meter and see how loud it gets on that one. You don't compl--

Lester:
[throws the asparagus plate at the wall] [Casually looking a stunned Carolyn in the eyes] Don't interrupt me, honey. [sits back down to eat, looking up at the background music in disdain] Oh, and another thing, from now on we're going to alternate our dinner music, because, frankly--and I don't think I'm alone here-- [looks in Jane's direction] I'm really tired of this Lawrence Welk sh*t!

Carolyn:
Uh, whose car is that out front?

Lester:
Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!

...

Carolyn:
Lester, you're going to spill beer on the couch.

Lester:
So what? It's just a couch.

Carolyn:
This is a four thousand dollar sofa, upholstered in Italian silk. This is not just a couch!

Lester:
It's just a couch! This isn't life! This is just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.

Lester:
[at the drive-thru] Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.

...

Carolyn:
Uh, Buddy, this is my...

Lester:
Her husband. We've met before, but something tells me you're going to remember me this time.

Janine:
Whoa, you are so busted!

Carolyn:
You know, this really doesn't concern you!

Lester:
Actually, Janine is senior-manager of the drive thru so you kind of are on her turf.

Ricky:
[laughs] Oh, Dad, you don't really think that me and Mr. Burnham were...

Colonel Fitts:
Don't you laugh at me. Now, I will not sit back and watch my only son become a cock-sucker!

Ricky:
Jesus, what is it with you?

Colonel Fitts:
I swear to God, I will throw you out of the house and never look at you again!

Ricky:
You mean that?

Colonel Fitts:
You're damn straight I do. I'd rather you were dead than be a f***in' f*ggot.

Ricky:
You're right, I suck dick for money.

Colonel Fitts:
Boy, don't start.

Ricky Fitts:
Two thousand dollars, I'm that good.

Colonel Fitts:
Get out.

Ricky:
And you should see me f***. I'm the best piece of ass in three states.

[Colonel Fitts hits Ricky]

Colonel Fitts:
Get out! I don't ever want to see you again.

Ricky:
What a sad old man you are.

Angela:
[about Ricky] Jane, he's a freak!

Jane:
Then so am I! And we'll always be freaks and we'll never be like other people and you'll never be a freak because you're just too... perfect!

Angela:
Yeah? Well, at least I'm not ugly!

Ricky:
Yes you are. And you're boring. And totally ordinary. And you know it.

Angela:
You two deserve each other.

Angela:
Jane and I had a fight. It was about you. She's mad at me because I said I think you're sexy.

Lester:
So, you gonna tell me? What do you want?

Angela:
I don't know...What do you want?

Lester:
Are you kidding? I want you. I've wanted you ever since the first moment I saw you. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Angela:
You don't think I'm ordinary?

Lester:
You couldn't be ordinary if you tried.

Angela:
Thank you. I don't think there's anything worse than being ordinary.

[She opens her blouse, exposing her breasts, and lies back beneath Lester]

Angela:
This is my first time.

Lester:
[He laughs] You're kidding.

Angela:
I'm sorry. I still want to do it. I just thought I should tell you in case you wondered why I wasn't...better.

[He stops]

Angela:
What's wrong? I thought you said I was beautiful.

Lester:
You are beautiful. You are so beautiful - and I would be a very lucky man.

Angela:
I feel so stupid

Lester:
Don't...You have nothing to be sorry about...It's OK, everything's OK.

Lester Burnham:
My name is Lester Burnham. This is my neighborhood. This is my street. This is my life. I am 42 years old. In less than a year, I will be dead. Of course, I don't know that yet, and in a way, I'm dead already. Look at me, jerking off in the shower. This will be the highlight of my day. It's all downhill from here. That's my wife Carolyn. See the way the handle on those pruning shears match her gardening clogs? That's not an accident. That's our neighbor, Jim, and that's his lover, Jim. Man, I get exhausted just watching her. She wasn't always like this. She used to be happy. We used to be happy. My daughter, Jane. Only child. Janie's a pretty typical teenager–angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that's all going to pass, but I don't want to lie to her. Both my wife and daughter think I'm this gigantic loser. And they're right. I have lost something. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I know I didn't always feel this ... sedated. But you know what? It's never too late to get it back.

Lester Burnham:
It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about.

Lester Burnham:
You better watch yourself, Janie, or you're gonna turn into a real b*tch, just like your mother.

Lester Burnham:
I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all. It stretches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars. [Gunshot] And yellow leaves from the maple trees that lined our street. [Gunshot] Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Janie, and Janie. And Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry. You will someday.

Carolyn Burnham:
[To herself] Stop it! Shut up! You’re weak! You baby! Shut up!

Ricky Fitts:
I'm the best piece of ass in three states!

Angela Hayes:
It's OK. I'm used to guys drooling over me. It started when I was about twelve, I'd go to dinner with my parents. Every Thursday night, Red Lobster. And every guy there would stare at me when I walked in. And I knew what they were thinking. Just like I knew guys at school thought about me when they jerked off...I liked it. And I still like it. If people I don't even know look at me and want to f*** me, it means I really have a shot at being a model. Which is great, because there's nothing worse in life than being ordinary.

Carolyn:
Oh Honey, are you trying to look unattractive?

Janie:
Yes.

Carolyn:
Congratulations, you've succeeded admirably!