*batteries not included

Faye Riley:
Frank! It's the love boat to Cuba! Shuffle board and pineapples filled with rum. Know what they do? They put little paper umbrellas sticking out the top so that when it rains, it don't thin out the liquor.

Faye Riley:
What ever happened to General Eisenhower? You hardly read a word about him anymore.

Frank Riley:
Where's the goddam toaster?

Marissa:
Maybe this is all a dream.

Mason:
Well, if this is a dream which one of us is having it?

Frank Riley:
Hey, don't look at me. I stopped dreaming a long time ago.

Harry:
Batteries not included.

Frank Riley:
Say 'ah.'

Faye Riley:
No. Muriel and I say 'frohhg.'

Frank Riley:
Okay, say 'frohhh.'

Mr. Kovacks:
Is this what you're talking about? It's full'o junk. It's a storage shed, you idiot.

Carlos:
No it's not. It's full of ghosts or spirits or something and they're just trying to make me look bad!

Mr. Kovacks:
You don't need ghosts for that.

Marissa:
Someone was in my room.

Mason:
Yeah mine too. I think we got elves.

Frank Riley:
[a construction worker is driving a demolition machine towards the cafe] Hey! You ever hear of private property?

Gus:
Just coming for a hamburger, Pop.

Frank Riley:
Hah! You got alotta nerve. Get your food somewheres else.

Carlos:
[seeing a floating tray of hamburgers] What the hell is that?

Faye Riley:
Oh it's them. The little guys. My little munchkins.

Carlos:
You stay away from me! You're not fooling anybody! Crazy my ass!

Frank Riley:
Where'd you get a new picture?

Faye Riley:
It's not new. It's fixed.

Frank Riley:
Fixed like new?

Faye Riley:
They did a good job.

Frank Riley:
Who did?

Faye Riley:
I ain't saying.

Frank Riley:
GOD DAMMIT, FAYE!

Mr. Lacey:
Why am I paying a demolition crew to sit around eating in a restaurant they're supposed to be knocking down?

Faye Riley:
Hey Frank, guess what I did.

Frank Riley:
What now?

Faye Riley:
I named those little guys. Flotsam and Jetsam, isn't that cute?

Frank Riley:
Yeah cute.

Faye Riley:
Be nice, Papa.

Frank Riley:
I'm always nice.

Faye Riley:
[to Construction Worker] You wanna sleep over? Why don't you call your mommy and tell her where you'll be.

Gus:
Um, no thanks, Mrs. Riley, I can't tonight.

Gus:
[to Carlos] Hey Bobby, wanna go out and play?

Faye Riley:
Bobby!

Carlos:
Hey, Lady, my name's not Bobby!

Faye Riley:
Well excuse me! Robert. Um...

Carlos:
Shut up!

Mason:
Hey!

Carlos:
Okay, I saw downstairs. Who's been cleaning up after me?

Faye Riley:
I'm a grandmother.

Harry:
We bring good things to life!

Pamela:
It's old and depressing!

Mason:
It's reality!

Pamela:
This is the '80s! Nobody likes reality any more.

Pamela:
And to think I've been telling my friends it's so cool living with an artist. You never once asked to paint me nude!

Frank Riley:
The quickest way to end a miracle is to ask it why it is... or what it wants.

Carlos:
[after having money thrown in his face] You kill my head, man.

Harry:
[before punching Carlos out the Door] I'll take door Number 1.

Gus:
Got the place back in Business, Pops?

Frank Riley:
What's it look like?

Frank Riley:
[to the robotic things] Welcome to America!