21 Jump Street

Off. Doug Penhall:
They're gonna have fireworks, free hot dogs. Even Sprinkles the clown!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Sprinkles? Really?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Okey-dokey.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
How many times have you seen this?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
122 times... but I don't watch the whole tape. I watch 3.3 seconds. 3.3 seconds that slipped through my fingers. 3.3 seconds where I could've done a thousand different things. But I didn't move. Do you know how many things you can do in 3.3 seconds? You can take off your shoes, pop a beer, and shoot someone in 3.3 seconds.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Come on, Hanson.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You can hold your finger down on the remote control and pass 17 stations in 3.3 seconds. You can open a can of tuna fish, shuffle and bridge a deck of cards, or twist the tops off six bottles of ginger ale in 3.3 seconds.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Hanson, please!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You can ring a doorbell 22 times, lock and unlock a deadbolt four times, or sing the entire alphabet in 3.3 seconds.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Hanson, please! Please.

Off. Doug Penhall:
This guy is the worst burglar I've ever seen. He's drunk.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Hammered.

Off. Doug Penhall:
Pickled.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
To the gills.

Off. Doug Penhall:
[after being awaken in the middle of the night by Hanson] Why didn't you call?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You wouldn't have let me in.

Off. Doug Penhall:
I know. Why didn't you call?

Busdriver:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where's your bus pass?

Off. Doug Penhall:
[as Doug McQuaid] My dog ate it.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
[as Tommy McQuaid] I got the same dog.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Poke-age!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Did someone mention the manly art of poker on Valentine's day?

Dave, the poet junkie:
Save your preach, cop. I reject everything, man. And it's not because I'm unhappy or confused or afraid of reality. See, I can, I can, chew up the nastiest tastes reality has to dish out, man. And if reality serves me up some raw sewage, man - I'll, I'll slurp up a whole toilet-bowl full and call it ambrosia.

Officer Dennis Booker:
You always had a way with words, Dave.

Off. Doug Penhall:
Oh! Oh! You're not supposed to be watching that. Where's the babysitter?

[Clavo points to the door where Doug hears giggling from inside the bedroom. Doug knocks]

Off. Doug Penhall:
Hey! You've got five seconds to get your clothes on and get out of there before I light your friggin' underwear on fire. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[the babysitter and her boyfriend run half-naked out the door]

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Without Jenko we're gonna be Charlie's Angels.

Ronnie Seebok:
You could end up dead, man... [with gun pointed to Hanson's face]

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Hey Ronnie. The safety's on the left, man. You ought to take it off if you want to threaten somebody.

Ronnie Seebok:
Safety don't work, man. Never did.

[first lines]

Officer Watts:
Let's do it, people.

[last lines]

Captain Adam Fuller:
[to Judy] Hoffs, what do you think I'd look like with my hair like that, man?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
[watching a porn video to identify the girl running the modeling school] Alright we know it's her, now turn it off!

Captain Adam Fuller:
Hoffs!

Sal 'Blowfish' Banducci:
Wait a minute, this is where it get goods.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
[picks up the movie jacket] The copyright on this film is 4 years old, she couldn't have been any more than 15 years old, FIFTEEN!

Captain Adam Fuller:
You started doing pornography when you were 15.

Lacey King:
[a crack addict] 14, I look old for my age.

Captain Adam Fuller:
You said it.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
A guy from homicide sent me a dozen roses.

[first lines]

Mr. Antonini:
The sun which is the overall picture of the universe, or rather insignificant star, is however important to us in many ways. Can you give me some examples?

[last lines]

Margaret Hanson:
Tom, what kind of woman do you think I am?

Officer Tom Hanson:
Two thirty average, huh?

[first lines]

Stevie Delano:
Fill her up and remove everything under the hood.

Mark:
Right away, Sir.

Officer Tom Hanson:
You guys have any idea how much I pay to insure the mustang? Huh? Three months ago the thing was parked. Parked! Some uninsured doofus hits me, and they raise my rates.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Maybe you should've had "uninsured doofus protection".

Officer Tom Hanson:
Won't do any good if you're under twenty five.

Officer Doug Penhall:
[incredulous] They're running!

Officer Tom Hanson:
[resigned] They're running.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Gentlemen, we have some excruciatingly bad news for you guys. We're cops. You're under arrest.

Stevie Delano:
[laughing] I love these guys! These guys are great.

Officer Doug Penhall:
No really. We really are cops.

Stevie Delano:
I think they're serious. You guys are really cops? [Hanson and Penhall simultaneously flash their guns]

Mark:
Aw Jeeze.

Stevie Delano:
Oh man. What a lousy way to make a living.

[last lines]

Officer Doug Penhall:
[to Ioki] It's the least we could do.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Nadia, you want to talk about it?

Nadia:
Talk about what?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Talk about what's bothering you. All this running around, five days, nine guys.

Nadia:
That is none of your business.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Maybe not, but you can talk to me about it if you like.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Let's say we take a break.

Nadia:
Sure. Are you hungry?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Yeah, yeah. I'm real hungry.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
That's a good idea. Why don't we head to the confection stand? [Nadia walks off]

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
[to Judy] She's amazing. I mean, I am forever in your debt.

[first lines]

Dylan:
Any last words, kid?

Jordy:
Where's desert?

[last lines]

Officer Tom Hanson:
What do you think?

Officer Doug Penhall:
I don't know. There's always the possibility they might be telling the truth.

Officer Doug Penhall, Officer Tom Hanson:
Nah.

Captain Adam Fuller:
It seems a gym teacher working at Lincoln overheard his boys talking about a hooker who's working the school.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Hookers in the class room? An idea whose time has come.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
It sounds like a story a bunch of guys like Penhall would make up.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
[undercover as Judy Morris] Do you mind if I sit here?

Lauren Carlson:
No, go ahead.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
[undercover as Judy Morris] This is a great library. The one over at Jefferson was only half the size.

Lauren Carlson:
You're a transfer.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
[undercover as Judy Morris] Yeah, it's my first day. I'm Judy Morris.

Lauren Carlson:
Lauren Carlson. I transferred in last semester. It's pretty cool here.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Hi, I'll catch you later, okay.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Hi.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
What's up?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Listen, I got a date with Lauren for tomorrow night.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
You still think she's a hooker?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
I don't know. We didn't say very much.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Harry, come on, you've dealt with working girls before. Does she really strike you as one?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
That's it, I don't know yet. Besides what makes you sure that she isn't?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
It's the same old story, Harry. A bunch of guys get together making up stuff. "She's hot. She can't get enough. She swings through chandeliers." And nobody ever stops to think about how it affects the girl.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Lauren, I know there's no house in Connecticut, no horse, no father. I know what you're doing.

Lauren Carlson:
Let me tell you something. What I do is no different to what every other woman winds up doing.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
It's a lot different. Most women don't sell their bodies, Lauren.

Lauren Carlson:
Like heck they don't. They just sell it for high priced dinners, theatre tickets, mink coat, and maybe even a wedding ring. All I'm doing is taking mine upfront, and in cash.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Is that what your Mom taught you?

Lauren Carlson:
You leave my Mother out of this.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
I have a feeling she's a big part of this, Lauren.

Lauren Carlson:
Part of what? All I'm doing is taking care of my family. No ones getting hurt.

Lauren Carlson:
Okay, so what happens now?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
We book you for suspicion of conspiracy in the Belmont robberies. We've got a pretty good case. You'll probably be sent to a J.D. school.

Lauren Carlson:
It's getting kind of hot in here, huh? You wanna get out of these clothes huh baby?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Don't you wanna talk about the price first?

Lauren Carlson:
I don't think I can wait that long.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
[to Lauren] Ah, Lauren, I just got the worst headache.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
We will find out who Lauren's partnered with. Just let me try talking to her first before we arrest her.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Wait, wait, wait. I want to know what she's done to deserve this special handling besides lie to you from the start?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Her mother's a pro, her father's non existent. The girl probably was raised in the back room of a massage parlor, she never had a chance.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Hoffs, we are police officers not social workers.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Okay.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Look, I'm sorry I've been acting like such a jerk. Let's just forget everything I said before, okay?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Yeah, it's forgotten.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
In two weeks, I'm gonna disappear!

Officer Doug Penhall:
[to Hanson] Do you hear something?

Officer Tom Hanson:
No. Do you?

[last lines]

Officer Doug Penhall:
I think he threw the kid off the roof.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Shut the door.

Captain Adam Fuller:
This Osbourne Ezikial Hubman. Sixteen years old. Found this morning in the parking lot of, shot six times in the chest. Sitting behind the wheel of a Mercedes Five Sixty S.L.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Nice car.

Officer Tom Hanson:
And where does a kid that age get sixty grand?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Dealing crack.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Right. This is Sergeant James Adabo. He's sort of the local expert on the subject of raw cocaine.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Penhall.

Officer Doug Penhall:
I'd be happy to supervise, Captain.

Captain Adam Fuller:
You're going to be riding with Sergeant Adabo.

Darlene:
Well it's like Ozzie's car. Do you think that maybe I can get it? I mean we were almost common-law and all.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
I don't think so, Darlene.

Ronnie Seebok:
This is what I've got to say. What have you got to say?

Officer Tom Hanson:
I want to work for you.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Hoffs, how you doing with Ozzie's girlfriend?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
I think I may be getting somewhere.

Jos?:
[to Adabo] It's a cook house man. I know it, I can feel it. It's a cook house.

Sgt. James Adabo:
[finding a kid dead in the school parking lot] Guess who's going to be late to class.

Sgt. James Adabo:
Crack Road. This is the bottom. Non affiliated dealers, nowhere left to go.

Officer Doug Penhall:
What's going to happen to all these people?

Sgt. James Adabo:
They'll die.

Sgt. James Adabo:
Freeze! Police!

Sgt. James Adabo:
I don't know how he slipped wearing those hundred dollar running shoes.

Officer Doug Penhall:
What?

Sgt. James Adabo:
I said I don't know how he slipped wearing those hundred dollar running shoes.

Officer Doug Penhall:
What're you talking about?... I mean yeah, I don't know either.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
All this trouble just to prove you exist. I could've told them!

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
I wish!

Officer Doug Penhall:
It was a clean bust! This kid has five priors, and a day and a half later he's out and back at the same spot! He's right back in business!

Sgt. James Adabo:
Yeah, and Tony and Jose only get $400 a month for making buys, ain't the system great?

Sgt. James Adabo:
[Pnehall's wearing a long sleeved police uniform] Summer uniform has short sleeves.

Officer Doug Penhall:
...Only one I got.

Captain Adam Fuller:
[to Penhall] I didn't put you back in that uniform just to see if you've gained weight since the academy.

Officer Doug Penhall:
[climbs a chain link fence after a crack dealer, the fence falls down and pins the dealer under him] You're busted!

Leit Geives:
You want me to take action on a highly decorated street cop with eighteen years on the force, on the basis of some rookie's hunch. No, I don't think so. You bring me something more solid and then we'll talk.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Solid? What do you want? Snap shots?

Captain Adam Fuller:
Penhall!

Officer Judy Hoffs:
That's just great, Judy Hoffs, road hazard!

Officer Doug Penhall:
Kinda.

[last lines]

Social Worker:
[to Darlene] The next opening will be in four months.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Nobody believes me. Fuller thinks I'm crazy, Hanson thinks I'm crazy, IAB thinks I'm crazy.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Death benefits?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
No, according to the computer now I'm dead, but it pays more. What do you think? [pause] I think I'm going to cash it.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Ioki, if you're dead, how can you cash the check?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
I've got two forms of I.D.

Sal 'Blowfish' Banducci:
Go home! You know what I do when my toilet gets stopped up at home?

Officer Tom Hanson:
I can't imagine!

Sal 'Blowfish' Banducci:
I call a plumber, you can't work all the time.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Who knew you could be so nice?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Well you better not tell anybody, or I'll tell them that you snore.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
I don't snore!... Much.

Sgt. James Adabo:
I've been a cop for 18 years, 6 months, 13 days.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Do you think I'm crazy?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Mm, it doesn't matter.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Hey Doug, how you doing? I was worried about you.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Why? I'm fine.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Well you blew out of here last night, you didn't say anything, and I called you half the night and [clears throat] you weren't home.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Yeah?

Officer Tom Hanson:
Yeah, so what'd you do? Did you get lucky? [impersonates Doug] Hi, I'm Doug Penhall, I'm so depressed, won't you take me to bed and cheer me up?

Officer Doug Penhall:
...Went home early, went to sleep, guess I didn't hear the phone. You got a sick mind.

Officer Doug Penhall:
[to Judy] I don't want to walk into work and have you hate me because you think I tried to take advantage of you, okay?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
I'll tell you what, Doug, if I hear through anyone that you mentioned to anybody: to Blowfish, to Hanson, to ANYONE, that you spent the night at my apartment last night, I swear to God I will make you miserable for the rest of your life.

Officer Doug Penhall:
I don't know what you're so upset about, YOU'RE the one who chickened out at the LAST minute, we didn't even do anything!

Officer Judy Hoffs:
And it's going to stay that way!

Officer Doug Penhall:
Fine.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
I feel like I got taken advantage of, Doug.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Hey whoa, wait a minute, I'm the one who came over to be consoled, I'm the one whose friend is driving around with a murderer, I'M the one who everybody thinks is crazy! I thought maybe you were a sympathetic ear.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Oh, so you're trying to tell me you weren't planning on getting me in the sack when you came over last night.

Officer Doug Penhall:
No.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Then why did you have those things with you?

Officer Doug Penhall:
...Things with me?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
You had condoms in your wallet, Doug.

Officer Doug Penhall:
I always have condoms in my wallet.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Yeah?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Yeah. Like when you go for a drive, you bring a spare with you in case you get a flat.

Off. Doug Penhall:
She killed herself on anti-depressants? What did she do, chuckle herself to death?

[first lines]

Officer Doug Penhall:
[to Tom] Hey, you gotta see this man, it's totally amazing.

Officer Doug Penhall:
[after being awaken in the middle of the night by Hanson] Why didn't you call?

Officer Tom Hanson:
You wouldn't have let me in.

Officer Doug Penhall:
I know. Why didn't you call?

Officer Tom Hanson, Officer Doug Penhall:
[simultaneously, as the McQuaid brothers] Hello! Hah!

Officer Tom Hanson:
[to Captain Fuller] I broke this girl down in the produce section!

[last lines]

Diane Nelson:
Thank you.

Officer Tom Hanson:
No, no, no. Thank you. You don't bowl do you?

Officer Tom Hanson:
I think we're dealing with sexual molestation here.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Maybe you SHOULD whack her father, maybe I should do it FOR you.

Off. Doug Penhall:
You must wanna see what the inside of your neck looks like.

Off. Tom Hanson #2, Officer Harry Truman Ioki, Sal "Blowfish" Banducci:
[simultaneously] Don't go in the bar, Penhall!

Off. Doug Penhall, Off. Tom Hanson #2:
[at the same time] THROW IN A CHIP, HARRY!

Off. Doug Penhall:
[to Hanson] Poke, poke, you owe me a Coke!

[first lines]

Officer Doug Penhall:
[impersonating Marlon Brando to Harry] You remember that night in the garden?

[last lines]

Officer Tom Hanson:
To Reggie Peterson of Virginia.

Captain Adam Fuller:
And to everyone else we left behind there.

[first lines]

Captain Richard Jenko:
Speeding right along. Apparently somebody is trying to relocate South Central High School one room at a time.

Susan Chadwick:
Hi.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Hi.

Susan Chadwick:
Looks like you could use some help.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Yeah I could. My tire's flat.

Susan Chadwick:
Only on the bottom.

Officer Tom Hanson:
[playing baseball] Good eye, Harry. Wait for your pitch.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Hey, you guys may have invented the game, but we perfected it.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Yeah, sushi and baseball both, right?

[Jenko arguing about Hanson's date with the teacher]

Officer Tom Hanson:
I'm sorry.

Captain Richard Jenko:
Hey, hey, you're a person. You don't have to apologize for having a personal life. You should just always remember to have it on your two-week-vacation each year.

Susan Chadwick:
Boys didn't kiss like this when I was in high school.

Officer Tom Hanson:
It's a good thing, you never would have graduated.

[last lines]

Susan Chadwick:
Hi.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Can I buy you a drink?

Susan Chadwick:
Why don't we just stay in?

Principal Weintraub:
[Hanson has been forced to reveal his true identity] Why wasn't I notified?

Officer Tom Hanson:
Because then it wouldn't be undercover.

Susan Chadwick:
You lied to me.

Officer Tom Hanson:
No, I misled you. And as weak as it sounds, I was just doing my job.

Officer Tom Hanson:
[to Captain Fuller] Well, maybe the rainbow wasn't enough.

[first lines]

Stand Up M.C.:
You ever try to argue with little people?

[last lines]

Martin Luther King:
I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood. I have a dream.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Wow. Well, Socrates can rest easy.

Officer Dennis Booker:
I see life like a street- you're walking down it and up ahead of you is a store where you're going to buy something. But between you and that purchase are all the rules coming up to you like some beggar hitting you up for all of your money. You feel bad for dodging them, but he stands between you and what you want, so you look away when he passes,or you cross the street.

Officer Tom Hanson:
[while mechanics are turning his vintage Mustang into a drag racer] Why can't they just shoot it and put it out of it's misery?

Officer Tom Hanson:
This is a vintage machine, it's a work of *art*. It's like a - it's like a Da Vinci.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Now it's a Warhol.

Officer Doug Penhall:
[sarcastically to Hanson] Oh, you picked a *great* time to become irresponsible.

[first lines]

Cop:
We are East Bound in pursuit of a street racer.

Officer Doug Penhall:
[to the Police instructor] Just a thought, Sir. Didn't want anybody to get hurt.

Russell Buckins:
Would you forget about the tattoo?

Officer Tom Hanson:
You can't forget about a tattoo, man, that's the point!

Officer Doug Penhall:
You okay?

Officer Tom Hanson:
I can beat this guy.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Beat him? What're you talking about? You're not even supposed to race him!

Mr. Walker:
You had an undercover officer out there racing with him? A police officer racing a car 100 mph in the middle of the night?

Captain Adam Fuller:
Look Mr. Walker, both the officer involved and myself are terribly sorry for what happened to your son. But, he was out there on the street breaking the law without anybody twisting his arm, and it wasn't the first time. He WILL face charges for what he's done.

Mr. Walker:
Only if he lives, Captain.

Captain Adam Fuller:
You guys are going back to the academy.

Officer Tom Hanson:
What?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Are you kidding?

Captain Adam Fuller:
[points at his face] Do I look like I'm kidding, Penhall?

Officer Doug Penhall:
No.

Officer Doug Penhall:
When did I become my partner's keeper?

Captain Adam Fuller:
The day you were sworn in.

Officer Doug Penhall:
I was 50 yards away, what did you want me to do, throw my body in front of the cars? I didn't know he was going to take off.

Officer Tom Hanson:
He didn't do anything, it was my fault.

Captain Adam Fuller:
That's right, he didn't do ANYTHING. That's why the department calls it acquiescing. Partners are responsible for each other, you know that, and you know that it works both ways. Your screw up last night could cost him HIS job too, think about it. That's all.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Nice digs Doug, you dog. I dig em.

[first lines]

Captain Briody:
When you're a cop, there's nothing new to learn about when it comes to death.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Look, without Jenko this thing's gonna be nothing but Charlie's Angels.

Captain Briody:
Do you want to give me a break, Hanson, or do you want to get back to that desk at headquarters?

Officer Tom Hanson:
What I want is for the mayor to realize he just can't plug some new guy into a program like this. I mean, who's gonna run it? You?

Captain Briody:
I don't have the wardrobe. Adam Fuller. The guy's a Captain, transferred out of the sixteenth precinct. Before that he was N.Y.P.D., spent eleven years undercover.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Yeah, probably going to tell us he was in Sirpicles graduating class.

Captain Briody:
Look, you guys don't have to like this, but you're signed on for professional police officers, and I expect you to act like it.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Look, Captain, with all due respect, but there is no way anyone is gonna take Jenko's place.

Captain Adam Fuller:
I have no intentions of taking Jenko's place.

Officer Tom Hanson:
I usually work with Penhall on an assignment like this.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Ah. Are you guys dating?

Reginald Brooks:
[Hostage taker Reggie Brooks is negotiating with Fuller for some pizzas] I want ten with sausage, ten with pepperonis. And no anchovies. I see one anchovy and I kill the librarian.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Anyone want pizza, only 147 slices left?

[last lines]

Captain Adam Fuller:
Hey, what do you say we let them take him down town and we go out for pizza? Just a joke.

Man:
What in God's name do you want?

Captain Adam Fuller:
Now, Madigan's been with the municipal school district for three years. Last semester he was promoted to principle over at Grant High. It's a very tough school. Madigan has a rap as a very tough guy. I guess the P.T.A. figure, it would work out.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
But it didn't.

Captain Adam Fuller:
The kids name is Reggie Brooks. Guys like him don't handle being humiliated. They lose the rep, their gangs take a walk. We put out a warrant for Brooks right after a pipe bomb blew off the hood of Madigan's car. He disappeared. Reggie is a three time loser as a juvy, last week he turned eighteen. So this will be the first time that he's been suspected of a felony as an adult.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
What about the bloods?

Captain Adam Fuller:
Death threats, angry acts from the gang members for skipping school. My bet is they're just waiting on the word from Reggie to take that shot.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Now remember you gotta get close to Madigan and I.D. the gang members.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
How are we supposed to do that?

Captain Adam Fuller:
You're undercover cops. You're supposed to have an imagination. But use your heads 'cause I'm sending you in armed.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Hey, Jenko never sent us into a school armed.

Captain Adam Fuller:
That was Jenko. And what I'm looking at here is a Frasier blood who wants to kill a principle.

Ralph Buckley:
Well, we got a real life entertainer here.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Yeah, Reggie's jacket.

Reginald Brooks:
Hey, hey, hey. Not bad. How come I never met you?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
'Cause you were too busy getting punched out by the principle.

Reginald Brooks:
I still woulda heard.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Oh, yeah. Well I heard about it way over at Jefferson. I just transferred in.

Bobby:
Hey, Reggie, another new student man. Come on, we better go check her out.

Reginald Brooks:
No. I'll shake her down myself. Check out her bag.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Let me know if you find something you like.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Ey, where's the money?

Bobby:
What the heck are you talking about pretty boy?

Officer Doug Penhall:
I'm talking about somebody who owes a hundred and sixty dollars for all these pizzas.

Bobby:
Hey, look man, what's the matter with you? Come on, we've taken over here!

Officer Doug Penhall:
Ask me if I care. I want one sixty. If I don't get it, you guys go hungry.

Bobby:
You better give me those pies, man.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Forget it.

Ziggie Rothstein:
Hey, Bobby. Yo, Bobby, what the heck is going on, man?

Bobby:
Mick, come here. Give me a hand with this clown.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Hey, essay?

Ziggie Rothstein:
Essay? What are you crazy man? Hand over these pizzas, come on.

Officer Doug Penhall:
You might as well shoot me, 'cause Tony will if I come back without the dough.

Bobby:
Get inside. Come on, move! Move!

Captain Adam Fuller:
Alright, can you see the heating unit?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Yes, I see it.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
[to Reggie] You're not going to Indiana, Reggie. You're under arrest. I'm a police officer. You make one move and I'll blow a hole right through your head.

Reginald Brooks:
[negotiating on the phone] Does anybody want anything?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Yeah I want the $160 for my pizzas.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
And I want to use the bathroom.

Captain Adam Fuller:
You don't have to call me sir, I'm not uniform.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Good cops like you are always in uniform.

Reginald Brooks:
How much is 20 pizzas worth?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
How about the whole sophomore class? They're all a bunch of wimps anyway.

Reginald Brooks:
I'm sick of adults telling me how smart I am, and then turning around and telling me all the stupid things I do.

David:
Save your preach, cop. I reject everything, man. And it's not because I'm unhappy or confused or afraid of reality. See, I can, I can, chew up the nastiest tastes reality has to dish out, man. And if reality serves me up some raw sewage, man - I'll, I'll slurp up a whole toilet-bowl full and call it ambrosia.

Officer Dennis Booker:
You always had a way with words, Dave.

Brent Sayles:
Okay, the subject of Patti's impromptu speech will be: Why I Like To Party.

Patti:
Umm... Why I Like To Party. I don't know.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
[referring on Blowfish's role at Jump Street] You ever wonder what he really does around here?

Officer Tom Hanson:
He's a janitor.

[last lines]

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Joy, what are you gonna do about the baby?

Joy Prentiss:
I don't know.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
[Entering the locker room] Hold it! Hold it! HOLD IT! [Ioki takes the bat away from Donald Prentiss, and shoves him] THAT'S ENOUGH! I'M A POLICE OFFICER! [to Sayles] Do you want to make a confession to the rape of Joy Prentiss? DO YOU?

Brent Sayles:
I most certainly do not!

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
[Ioki hands the bat back to Donald] Always keep the label facing up or you're gonna break the bat.

Brent Sayles:
You said you were a police officer!

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Yeah? Well right now I'm a batting coach.

Joy Prentiss:
What happened to your egg?

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Oh, a friend of mine ate it.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
[given an egg for a childcare class] Do you have any brown eggs?

Officer Tom Hanson:
[in a thick Kentucky accent] Hey! Did you steal that earring from your Momma, little buddy?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Why would I want to do that if your Mother gives them to me for free?

Commandant Max McGee:
[reading Hanson/Harrison's file] Fighting, disrespect of superior officers...

Officer Tom Hanson:
[as Sgt. Harrison] It was a confusing time of my life, Sir.

Commandant Max McGee:
It was last month, Harrison

[first lines]

Denny Mason:
And everyone's waiting two hours to find out why this kid killed his babysitter, right?

[last lines]

Cadet Jackson:
Dismissed!

Cadet Rick Adderly:
I'm afraid what happened to you's gonna happen to me!

Woody Adderly:
It's not hereditary, Rick.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
[going in as a gay decoy] What should I wear?

Captain Adam Fuller:
What you have on.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
Ioki, gays don't have their own separate dress code.

Jody Moreland:
That's my music, Jordan. I heard it first.

Jody's Gymnastics Coach:
How's that ankle?

Jody Moreland:
THAT ankle's fine, mine hurts like hell.

Jody's Gymnastics Coach:
Then instead of sneering your teammates, Jody, why don't you sit down and show them some support? [Jody's nose starts to bleed] Sign yourself out and get off that foot.

Jody Moreland:
I've practiced in more pain.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Can't a guy be in a good mood?

Officer Tom Hanson:
Not if he's you. Now cut it out, you're scaring us.

Gymnastics Coach:
[to Jody] No, no, you're still leading with your hips. You're all over the place. Where is your concentration?

[last lines]

Officer Tom Hanson:
Get over here.

U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton:
Heart attack is the official cause of death, but you know how that goes over with me. 15 year old with the blood pressure of a Wall Street veteran.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
These drugs are schedule 4s, they're not even controlled substances.

U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton:
They were pushing to have a lot of these drugs reclassified.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Unfortunately the deeper we bury them, the richer the black markets get filling their holes.

Captain Adam Fuller:
You two are going into her school.

Officer Judy Hoffs:
As what, jocks?

Captain Adam Fuller:
For Penhall, yeah.

Officer Doug Penhall:
What colleges?

Mike Ogletree:
Arizona, UCLA, maybe State.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Pac-10, sissies and wieners, I thought you were serious.

Mike Ogletree:
So what do you consider a big school, hot shot?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Big 8, big guy.

Mike Ogletree:
Yeah? So what's your bench, big guy?

Officer Doug Penhall:
...210.

Mike Ogletree:
With your baby fat? This I gotta see.

Amy Pearson:
Getting the right people to come to these meetings is half the battle. Go ahead and read it, if it's not right for you, maybe you could pass it on to someone you think would be a good role model. Lot of good kids out there.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Yeah, there's a lot of bad ones out there too.

Amy Pearson:
[about Hanson's reluctance to get involved] I wonder why.

Coach Jerry Watson:
[to Mike Ogletree] Instead of risking injury, why don't you show the new kid the RIGHT way to turn baby fat into muscle?

Officer Doug Penhall:
[whining] What's with this baby fat?

Mike Ogletree:
What kind of vitamins are you doin'?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Doin'? Well I did Wilma this morning, thinking about doing Fred or Dino tomorrow.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Why didn't you regurgitate the drug, Penhall?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Puke? [laughs] I can't do that, I never could.

Captain Adam Fuller:
You an undercover cop, Penhall, you LEARN to puke!

Epilogue card:
Jody Moreland made it to the final round of the Zone meets, but was disqualified for injecting cortisone acetate into an ankle injury that wouldn't heal. Mike Ogletree reported to State College. He collapsed on the playing field during the 4th game of the season. He lost a kidney the next afternoon.

U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton:
She'd been stacking a weird mix of diuretics and synthetic hormones. She had herself down to 6 percent body fat, her heart just couldn't take it. Frankly this is the worst case this office has ever seen.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Worst case of what?

Captain Adam Fuller:
Steroid abuse.

U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton:
Bone structure anomalies, kidney damage, nosebleeds, she was even taking a break drug: medroxyprogesterone.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Merdoxy... meh... break drug?

U.S. Assistant Attorney Jack Culliton:
Stops a woman's growth, gives them a few more years in the sport wear, 16 is over the hill. Laura Jordan hadn't had a normal menstrual cycle in years.

Spencer Phelps:
Some bomb! Four road flares and some telephone wire!

[last lines]

Captain Adam Fuller:
Am I understood?

Officer Tom Hanson, Officer Doug Penhall:
Yes, Sir.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Now get out of here. Oh and guys, that's a two day suspension without pay.

Eddie MacFarlane:
[to Brian about his backpack] Brian, what are you packing in here? This thing weighs a ton.

Officer Tom Hanson:
What would your parents do? Would your parents pay 75 grand to get Doug back?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Doug who?

Dolores Hoffs:
[bumping into Blowfish] Excuse me, Officer.

Sal 'Blowfish' Banducci:
Officer, me? Are you crazy? I'm a maintenance engineer!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
If you would've just kept your mouth shut, we'd still have our car.

Off. Doug Penhall:
You said something, too. They took our badges!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
[with a Mexican accent] We don't need no -

Off. Doug Penhall:
[together with Hanson] - stinking badges!

School Principal:
I like the hat!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
I like the hair!

Off. Doug Penhall:
Very false

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Nice sheen: Only one thing missing...

Off. Tom Hanson #2, Off. Doug Penhall:
[together] BANGS!

[first lines]

Frank Hartman:
What do you think?

Coach Wilson:
I think I'm the luckiest guy on planet earth.

Captain Adam Fuller:
This is Spencer Phillips. He's with the feds.

Officer Doug Penhall:
[to Phillips] How come you guys always have names like corporations?

[last lines]

Officer Doug Penhall:
I'm a cop, guys.

Fred Clairman:
So?

Off. Doug Penhall:
Studs and leather, here I come. KKK - awesome band.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Band?

Off. Doug Penhall:
KKK- Klean Kut Kids. It's a band. It's a gang. It's a floorwax. You gotta keep up with the popular culture, Hanson.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Sorry, Penhall. They're not gonna buy two of you. one of you goes in hardcore, the other's just cute.

Off. Doug Penhall:
Hanson? What are you breaking the laws of nature here? I'm a natural.

Lancer:
The stupid new kid.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Fine. I see I'm going to have to put this into terms you can understand. That's my stepbrother, Douglas. He's kinda lame, but it's not his fault. You kick his tail - he tells my stepdad - my stepdad kicks my tail. Then I'm going to have to come back here and kick your tail. So, why don't we leave him out and I'll just kick your tail right now?

Lancer:
Ooh tough talk, Junior. You see, uh...

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
It's a custom. Getting used to newcomers like that. I appreciate it.

[first lines]

Gang Member:
Come on, it's the K.K.K.

Captain Adam Fuller:
The K.K.K. put another kid in hospital today. That makes three gang related injuries in the last thirty days.

Off. Doug Penhall:
Is this guy Friendly Neighbor?

Captain Adam Fuller:
Yes, they seem to be the latest target.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You know, man, this thing was completely bizarre. I mean, it's like this weird apparition off shot you know.

Off. Doug Penhall:
Let me guess, you stood in the corner and took votes all night.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
No man, I got out there and got into it.

Off. Doug Penhall:
You slammed and I missed it?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Yeah, you get out there and you bash into a bunch of other guys. You sweat a lot. I mean it's just another sub culture. Taking orders, packing rules, that kind of thing.

Captain Adam Fuller:
Don't you ever do that again! You call, you get somebody, you get arrested, but you do not leave me sitting here wondering if you are alive. Penhall said he stuck with you as long as possible, then he came back and reported in, which is what you are supposed to do.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Yes, sir.

Captain Adam Fuller:
A hundred and fifty thousand dollars damage in one night. Mail boxes, lawns torn to shreds, spray paint from one end of the neighborhood to the other.

Off. Doug Penhall:
The whole gang is implicated, Sir.

[last lines]

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You know this means I'll have to arrest you, right?

Brian Gans:
I know.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
I'm sorry.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
[about Lancer] I don't get it, what does he want with a bunch of high school kids?

Captain Adam Fuller:
You said they worship his music, maybe he wants to be God. It's a great position to be in if you think about it.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You could always quit.

Brian Gans:
And what? Go back to being a jock? President of the student council for gosh's sake?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
WHY NOT! [gritted teeth] Why not?

Brian Gans:
In two years none of this is going to matter. And don't give me that 'maybe none of us will be here in two years' because I WILL be and none of this is going to matter!

Female Student:
Is that what they tossed you out of Westminster for?

Officer Doug Penhall:
No, that was more of an honor code situation.

Officer Tom Hanson:
[gesturing towards Hanson] That dork violated the honor code?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Well, he's really quite corrupt once you get to know him.

Niles:
My future's so bright...

Officer Tom Hanson:
So how was the trip?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Uneventful. Aside from them making me walk through customs with a kilo of cocaine in a false bottom suitcase!

Officer Doug Penhall:
You what? You mulled it through?

[last lines]

Holly Robinson:
[playing herself at the end of the episode] What was that number again?

Peter DeLuise:
[playing himself at the end of the episode] Holly, it's right there.

Holly Robinson:
[playing herself at the end of the episode] Oh.

[first lines]

Kim Morgan:
Where are we going?

Officer Doug Penhall:
You need to get your ears pierced.

Girl with Earrings:
That's what I tell him.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Really? Good, hand me that fork.

Officer Tom Hanson:
You know what I think? I think you always hated these people until you got a chance to be one of them.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Well you know what? Maybe you're right because now I hate YOU.

Officer Doug Penhall:
What can I say? I got lucky. All the King's Men was the only book I actually read in Jeff... in my last school.

Vinny Morgan:
I used to carry their golf clubs. I mowed their lawns. And now I work on their cars for them because they can't get their hands messy changing a few spark plugs. We're never good enough for them, are we?

[first lines]

Hoagy Deleplant:
Working late tonight Mr. LaForse?

Marty LaForse:
Oh? Yes, I'm falling behind on my grading.

Officer Tom Hanson:
The man stuck a gun inside my ear!

Captain Adam Fuller:
Would you relax, Hanson? He didn't pull the trigger?

Officer Tom Hanson:
Oh yeah, there's always a bright side, huh?

Julie Bradley:
[on Doug's answering machine] I'll never forget you for the rest of my life for this. I hope you and Hannah are having fun. Bye.

[last lines]

Tony Delaplant:
[to Captain Fuller] Send him somewhere nice, huh. He's a good kid.

Officer Tom Hanson:
Doug, you know there's going to be a million vampires at this Halloween dance tonight?

Officer Doug Penhall:
What? I'm Count Chocula!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Aliens travel 6 light years for a good deal on a car stereo BELIEVE IT... or not.

Off. Doug Penhall:
You're never going to let me forget this, are you?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
DOUG, YOU'RE PSYCHIC!

Captain Briody:
He's got an undercover program. It's the Mayor's baby. Nobody on the force knows about this except Silver Shields and Up. It's called Jump Street Chapel. Now the reason it's called that is because this particular undercover unit works out at an old abandoned chapel on the corner of Jump Street and Sixth. Interested?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Not yet.

Captain Briody:
Every year the department takes younger looking officers. At least younger looking ones we think can handle the pressure. Teach them how to be teenagers again. Then we send them out to various high schools where we could use a good man undercover.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Kinda like Fast Times at Bust Ya Buddy High?

Captain Briody:
Kinda.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Yeah. No, thanks. Y'see, I hated high school the first, you know. Swimmin' in gym class without trunks, health films, not getting the girl you wanted because you're not wearing groovy enough shoes. And I don't think I'd get off cutting some kid for a spit ball at his chemistry teacher.

Captain Briody:
I've had eleven homicides in high schools since December.

Noreen Weckerle:
Mom, would you give me a break? I mean, come on, I got to hear this every ten seconds.

Mrs. Weckerle:
What's the difference? You only listen for one. Come on, Anorexia, dinner. REAL food, remember?

Mrs. Weckerle:
Prehistoric. Packs of fat around the old heart. [turns on rock music]

Mr. Weckerle:
Do we HAVE to listen to that?

Mrs. Weckerle:
She's YOUR daughter.

Mr. Weckerle:
Yes, but she listens to YOU.

Mrs. Weckerle:
Only for a second, the rest is just white noise.

Tyrell 'Waxer' Thompson:
Get up! Get up! Stay quiet. Stay alive.

Mr. Weckerle:
Please do what he says. We'll do anything you want, just don't hurt anybody. What do you... What do you want?

Tyrell 'Waxer' Thompson:
Ask your little no colored crime boy, huh? You owe me six grand.

Mrs. Weckerle:
Kenny, do you know these boys?

Kenny Weckerle:
Ma, please! Look, guys, I'll get it, I'll...

Suspect:
[after a very physical bust, the suspect comments on the tussle with Hanson] Keep him away from me. I feel like a child molester.

Charlie:
Nice work, kid.

Noreen Weckerle:
[to Hanson] Hey, are you old enough to be a cop? You look just like that kid from 'Pretty In Pink'.

Charlie:
Yeah, but we don't let him wear pink anymore. Attracts attention.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Look, I went to the academy to go and patrol, to be a police officer like my... To enforce the law.

Captain Briody:
Tom, it's either this, or I assign you to a desk at progress centre until you look old enough to be a cop.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
This is Jump Street Chapel, right?

Officer Doug Penhall:
Only if you're Catholic. Ioki, here, thinks it's a Buddhist temple. Me? I think it's a synagogue. You know, my Mom's Jewish, which only means I get to celebrate both guilt and Hell.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Yeah, you see, his father used to be a priest, so don't play bingo with this guy. He's a killer.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
H.T. Ioki.

Officer Doug Penhall:
H for Harry, T for Truman. Guess what year his parents moved to the States?

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Yeah, and I'm named after a guy who dropped an atom bomb on my house.

Officer Doug Penhall:
[to Tom] You gotta turbo-charge the hair or something, Hanson. You look like Richie Cunningham.

Mr. Ritz:
[to Tom] This is not a really impressive completion record, Bower. Seems like at Wilcox High you threw a lot of interceptions.

Kenny Weckerle:
Come on Waxer, leave me alone man.

Tyrell 'Waxer' Thompson:
[to Tom] You're gonna like it here boy. You're gonna like it a lot if you like dying.

Charlie:
[after a car chase] Okay buster, get your hands were I can see them and freeze!

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Wait a minute, don't shoot! I'm a cop!

Charlie:
Says who?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Says me.

Charlie:
[to Tom Hanson] Hanson. I should have known. I didn't recognize you without the bandage on your partner's nose.

Bartender:
Bud Light?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Right.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
[about Hoffs] Hey Jenk, you know I'm starting to like that lady. What's her deal?

Captain Richard Jenko:
Hey, don't sweat it man. You'd never make the wait.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Don't bet on it.

[last lines]

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
[setting up his sax] Well, I figure maybe I can sit in with you guys for a set.

Captain Richard Jenko:
You? You're going to sit in with us? You?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Yeah, if you can keep up.

Captain Richard Jenko:
Say what? Hey, don't strain yourself bro.

Tyrell 'Waxer' Thompson:
[to Kenny] Don't you like rap music?

Captain Richard Jenko:
Like that sound?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Not really.

Captain Richard Jenko:
Me neither, PRAISE GOD HALLELUJAH! Maybe I'm saved! Been a deadhead since Woodstock!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
I didn't go, I was only 5.

Captain Richard Jenko:
[holding bag of chips] Breakfast?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
No thanks, I'll grab an omelet.

Captain Richard Jenko:
Uh-uh. No you won't. When was the last time you saw a teenager have a cup of black coffee and an omelet for breakfast? Uh-uh, from now on it's potato chips, soda pop, French fries and pizza man! It's the Pepsi generation, sport!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Don't call me sport, okay?

Captain Richard Jenko:
Hey pard, I'm your boss, I'll call you anything I want, have a seat, sport.

Captain Richard Jenko:
While you were out in the field getting your butt kicked by all the bad grownups, me and my guys here were training to do some real battle. You see, the way I look at it, child is the father of man. I mean these bad grownups are coming from somewhere, they don't just hatch that way, that's why we're trying to yank them out while they're still in high school, dig?

Captain Richard Jenko:
Now we're about 4 weeks ahead of you, Hanson, so I'm going to have to rush you through some of the training.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
What kind of training?

Captain Richard Jenko:
Hoffs! Gonna teach you how to be a teenager again, how does that grab you, sport? I'm talking about the bad kind, the kind that gets into trouble, the kind you're gonna have to be like so they think you're one of them.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Doug I know you're sorry, You know how I know? You've apologised to me 430 times! You cleaned my desk, You washed my car... You brought a whoopie cushion... You've sharpened all my pencils!

Off. Doug Penhall:
Any of them need re-sharpening?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
No! No...

Off. Doug Penhall:
Well, It's just that, you know, shooting your partners just a very stupid thing to do! You gotta be a little mad at me.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
No I'm not

Off. Doug Penhall:
Oh you gotta be... You know it's very unhealthy to keep this stuff couped up, you should let some steam off get it off your chest.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Alright! Alright. I sharpen my own pencils pal, understand? Noone sharpens my pencils but me... Noone

Off. Doug Penhall:
Then you are a little mad...

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Of course I'm mad you shot me in the ass! and I'll never forgive you okay? There.

Off. Doug Penhall:
Oh Wonderful, Terrific! One little mistake and you're gonna keep a grudge over me for the rest of my life? Fabulous!

Off. Doug Penhall:
You know... I had them move the desks closer together, so you wouldn't strain your voice if you call for me

Off. Doug Penhall:
I hope you don't have one already... Tada!

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
It's very nice... What is it?

Off. Doug Penhall:
It's a pillow.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Where's the rest of it?

Off. Doug Penhall:
No, it's supposed to be like that... It's for guys who have...

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
What?

Off. Doug Penhall:
Hemroids.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You hope I don't already have one? Make this go away

Off. Doug Penhall:
Okay... I'll put it over here, in case you change your mind. It's right here alright?

Off. Doug Penhall:
[to Hanson] You know, if I could kiss it and make it feel better, I would.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Hey, Penhall, did you go to your prom?

Off. Doug Penhall:
What is that a trick question? Hanson, I went to my first prom when I was eleven.

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Well, I never went to mine. I guess when I was in high school, I never believed it was the last time I was gonna be there.

Off. Doug Penhall:
Ioki, what do you think we do all day?

[first lines]

Margie:
I don't think we should do this Jane, I don't.

Jane Kinney:
Of course we shouldn't, that's why we're doing it.

Off. Doug Penhall:
Hanson, Hanson, Hanson. I'm trying to save your life here, but you're going to have to give me a little help. Bowling? I once knew a kid who's father was a bowler. He ran away from home. He was three. His mother helped him!

Officer Harry Truman Ioki:
Listen, Penhall, maybe there's still time. You know, maybe Thomas here isn't any good.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You want to know what my handicap is?

Off. Doug Penhall:
Yeah, bowling!

Off. Doug Penhall:
What do you want me to do? Kill myself?

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Yes!

Captain Richard Jenko:
[as the guys come in dressed for the prom] Well, well, well. Far out. Looks like we've got a Japanese Elvis Presley, a pimp, and the butler.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
With the budget we've got, you're lucky we could afford to rent the pants.

Captain Richard Jenko:
Maybe you should go without the pants, tell them you're a poor butler.

Off. Tom Hanson #2:
[after bowling a strike] Oh! Another slam-a-rino for the Kingpins! Yeah!

Girl Sitting With Penhall:
Your friend?

Off. Doug Penhall:
[chuckling] Yeah well, sort of I guess.

Girl Sitting With Penhall:
He's very good, isn't he?

Off. Doug Penhall:
If you like guys who say "slam-a-rino", yeah

[last lines]

Off. Doug Penhall:
Freeze!

[first lines]

T.J. Caldwell:
[to Jonathon Kelley] I cleaned out your laundry.

[last lines]

Captain Adam Fuller:
[to Doug] I think maybe the next time I have a couple of drinks before driving home, I'll think twice.

[first lines]

Blonde #1:
Did you go?

Blonde #2:
Oh, he was so good.

Derek:
[to Johnny] We don't like you, hot shot.

Jodie Claymann:
Jeremy's always on his best behavior when he's with me.

Officer Doug Penhall:
What do you got? A Leash?

Officer Doug Penhall:
It's different when you're a natural.

Officer Tom Hanson:
That's right, you're an actor now.

Laurel Peterson:
Would you call this a case of life imitating art?

Officer Tom Hanson:
Yeah, sure.

Jodie Claymann:
If you're ever in L.A., I'd like to thank you personally.

Officer Doug Penhall:
Excuse me, guys, I have to go phone the airline.