24 XXX: An Axel Braun Parody

[first lines]

Jack Bauer:
[in voiceover reading the titles aloud] The following takes place between 8:00 P.M./... and sometime Thursday morning/ Events occur in Pacific time

Jack Bauer:
[in voiceover] Right now, I just buried my wife who was murdered by my ex-lover. My daughter is annoying the hell out of me and the Dodgers are losing in the seventh. I'm federal agent Jack Bauer and *this* is the longest day of my life.

Kim Bauer:
Dad! Dad! I need you to come to the back with me, right now!

Jack Bauer:
Kim, honey, I know you're upset.

Kim Bauer:
No, Dad, you don't understand. Something's wrong on this plane! Please, come on.

Jack Bauer:
You've been through a lot, sweetheart...

Kim Bauer:
Dad! You don't understand. The flight attendant's dead!

Jack Bauer:
What?

Jack Bauer:
[standing as plane begins to pitch] I'm a federal agent. I need everybody back to their seats and remain *calm*. We're running outta time. I *will* land this plane safely. [to Kim] It's okay, honey. Everything's gonna be fine.

Air Marshal:
[holding badge in Jack's face] Federal Air Marshal. Get back to your seat.

Jack Bauer:
Stand down, I've got this.

Co-Pilot:
[after firing three rounds through the cockpit door, Jack bursts into the cockpit] Who the hell are you?

Jack Bauer:
Name's Jack Bauer. I'm a federal agent with the Counter Terrorist Unit in Los Angeles.

Co-Pilot:
Well, you just shot the captain, you idiot!

Jack Bauer:
That's not important. I need you to land this plane, now!

Co-Pilot:
We're on approach to LAX.

Jack Bauer:
We'll never make it to LAX.

Co-Pilot:
It's only four miles away.

Jack Bauer:
Listen to me. We're running out of *time*. I need you to set this son of a b*tch down on the four-oh-five, now!

Co-Pilot:
In the middle of rush hour?

Jack Bauer:
Listen, you set this goddamn plane down now, or I will!

Co-Pilot:
Go to Hell!

Nina Myers:
Bauer's alive?

Mandy:
What? I *never* miss.

Nina Myers:
There's a last time for everything. [turns and shoots Mandy through the heart] Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking.

Chlo? O'Brian:
Knock it off... before somebody ends up tied to a chair... again!

Jack Bauer:
I should've known. It's *your* ex-girlfriend.

Tony Almeida:
She was never my girlfriend. We just had dinner, and that's after *you* broke up with her. I never screwed her.

Jack Bauer:
Sorry. Your loss.

Kim Bauer:
I can't believe you killed my boyfriend, you crazy b*tch.

Nina Myers:
What? These two? Which one's your boyfriend?

Kim Bauer:
That one. [nods toward the two bodies] The cute one.

Nina Myers:
Rick?

Kim Bauer:
Or Dan. He was really... We had a connection.

Nina Myers:
Jack Bauer is the smartest man I know, and you...

Kim Bauer:
Don't talk about my dad because when he finds you, he's gonna kill you and torture you, in *that* order.

Jack Bauer:
Show me what you've got.

Chlo? O'Brian:
Vegas was the key. Here she is photographed with Ron Jeremy at a convention, two years ago.

Jack Bauer:
I remember. She was doing blow-bangs undercover. Went by the name of Flick Shagwell. Posed as a British girl. Kinda hot.

Chlo? O'Brian:
Yeah, it's thin, but it's all we got.

Jack Bauer:
Bring him in.

Chlo? O'Brian:
He's already here. Interrogation room number two.

Jack Bauer:
Hold my murse. I'm gonna have a talk with him... man to hedgehog.

Ron Jeremy:
What's goin' on? Who are you people? Can I call my lawyer?

Jack Bauer:
You'd do better callin' a priest.

Ron Jeremy:
I'm Jewish, jackass.

Jack Bauer:
Then a bishop. Whatever. Point is, you're gonna tell me [slams fist on table] *everything* that I want to know about Nina Myers, or I'm gonna hurt ya. And nobody is going to be able to stop me.

Ron Jeremy:
Okay, Nina Myers. Is she an actress? Does she have an agent? Manager? Does she do anal?

Jack Bauer:
You're gonna tell me everything that I want to know or my voice is going to become *very* unpleasant.

Ron Jeremy:
Your voice already is very unpleasant. Look, you know who the f*** I know. I hang out at the Rainbow Bar and Grill, I know rock stars, I f***ed four thousand women, my name is on bottles of rum and I can suck my own dick!

Chlo? O'Brian:
You know, I was unfairly harsh to you earlier today. I didn't mean anything by it.

Tony Almeida:
Alright, apology accepted.

Chlo? O'Brian:
It wasn't an apology, just an observation.

[last lines]

Jack Bauer:
[answering cellphone] It's Bauer.