3 Men and a Little Lady

Mary:
What a crock.

Sylvia:
Mary! Where did you hear that?

Peter Mitchell:
[On the phone] What a crock!

Michael Kellam:
When I was at summer camp, I bunked with a kid who collected farts.

Peter Mitchell:
I think she knows that actors are just like regular people.

Jack Holden:
[Enters dressed as Dracula] Good afternoon.

Jack Holden:
Do you want to marry me?

Peter Mitchell:
Jack!

Jack Holden:
[to Sylvia] Wanna sleep on it?

Michael Kellam:
She did that once before, Jack!

Jack Holden:
Hey, shut up! [turns back to Sylvia] Do you want to marry me?

Sylvia:
No... but thank you for asking.

Peter Mitchell:
Where are you gonna live?

Sylvia:
London.

Jack Holden:
London, England?

Michael Kellam:
[Sarcastically] No, London, New Jersey.

Peter Mitchell:
[Also said in _Three Men and A Baby (1987)_] I'll give you $1,000 if you do it.

Mary:
Do you have a penis?

Sylvia:
[brings in breakfast] Here's my specialty. Liver moose and poached eggs.

Edward Hargreave:
[looks at the tray and stammers] What an attractive combination, but we do have a cook for these sort of things.

Sylvia:
I like doing it.

Mary:
Try it Edward. You'll like it.

Edward Hargreave:
[sees Mary holding her tea cup in the palm of her hand] Whoever taught you to hold you teacup like that?

Peter Mitchell:
[to a farmer] Do you have a car we could borrow? [farmer shakes his head] A horse? Anything that moves?

Jack Holden:
[seeing the amount of luggage Vera brought with her] What? No furniture?

Sylvia:
Edward is a wonderful person, but something keeps me from saying yes.

Vera Bennington:
Would that something happen to be a tall architecht?

Jack Holden:
[Jack and Michael have come up with a list of potential husbands for Sylvia and Peter has rejected every one of them] Bill, Billy Bob, Billy Joe? Come on, Peter, we're not asking you to marry the guy!

Peter Mitchell:
[Mary is upset about leaving New York for England] Close your eyes. Can you see us?

Mary:
[she has her eyes closed] No.

Peter Mitchell:
Well, you're not looking hard enough. Look harder. Way in the back. Can you see us now?

Mary:
Yeah.

Peter Mitchell:
Ok what are we doing?

Mary:
Michael's drawing, Jack's looking in the mirror, and you're watching basketball on TV yelling at Jack for not cleaning up the kitchen!

Peter Mitchell:
Well, that sounds about right to me!

Sylvia:
I think we need drinks.

Peter Mitchell:
I think we need shovels.

Vera Bennington:
[Michael and Peter come to a cocktail party in tuxedos] Has someone died?

Michael Kellam:
Not yet.

Miss Elspeth Lomax:
[Peter has just gotten away] Dammit.

Sylvia:
Someone going to come to the airport to help me pick up my mother?

Peter Mitchell:
Jack can you do it?

Jack Holden:
Oh damn, I got that kidney operation this afternoon! What about you, Peter?

Peter Mitchell:
Michael, I'll give you $1,000 if you'll do it!

Usher:
Bride or groom, sir?

Barrow, Edward's Butler:
Just a guest.

Peter Mitchell:
[on the phone] We're building an office block for 15,000 people, we can't put a bathroom on every other floor. [pause] Well, what if they don't go before come to work?

Peter Mitchell:
Marry me.

Sylvia:
Why Peter? For Mary's sake? You don't have to do that now. I'm moving back to New York and living there and you can see as much of Mary as you like.

Peter Mitchell:
It's not for Mary I'm doing this. I'm doing it for me. I love you.

Sylvia:
No you don't.

Peter Mitchell:
Yes I do. I love you. I love the way you walk, I love the way you laugh, I love the way when you get nervous you bite your bottom lip just like you're doing now, I love the way you love Mary, [to the congregation] I even love her liver mousse. I love you and if there were no Mary, if there was nothing else I would still love you. And I want to make Mary all over again with you.

Jack Holden:
You love Sylvia, don't you?

Peter Mitchell:
Why do you say that?

Jack Holden:
Don't you. Oh come on Peter, just say how you feel.

Peter Mitchell:
All right, I love her.

Jack Holden:
Yes! Man, I wish there was a category like this on Jeopardy, I'd clean up. So why don't you tell her?

Peter Mitchell:
I'm scared.

Jack Holden:
Of what? Getting married again?

Peter Mitchell:
Yes. I love Sylvia. There, I've said it. I love her, I love her so much it hurts. But I'm scared, I'm scared of hurting her and Mary and you and Michael. And me.

Jack Holden:
You love Sylvia and she loves you.

Peter Mitchell:
She loves me?

Jack Holden:
Yes!

Peter Mitchell:
Then why is she marrying Edward?

Jack Holden:
Because you never asked her.

Peter Mitchell:
[gets shocked by television] Ohhh sh*t!

Mary:
You said the "S" word!

Peter Mitchell:
No I didn't. [gets shocked again] Ohhh sh*t!

Michael Kellam:
[Peter is trying to unplug Mary's TV] Pete, are you listening to me?

Peter Mitchell:
No, I'm electrocuting myself!

Sylvia:
You are a selfish bastard!

Peter Mitchell:
I'm selfish? At least I didn't leave my baby on a doorstep when she was six months old! [Sylvia slaps Peter]

Michael Kellam:
[referring to Peter and Sylvia] I think they're really starting to hate each other.

Jack Holden:
Don't kid yourself... I'm still in love with the first woman who hit me.

Peter Mitchell:
[pointing to a set of armor] How do you take a leak in one of these things?

Barrow, Edward's Butler:
Carefully, very carefully.

Jack Holden:
[Sylvia hands him a plate of burnt eggs and bacon] Did I say overnight? I meant over light.

Jack Holden:
[pretending to be a vicar marrying Edward and Sylvia] If there be anyone who knows why this lovely couple should not be joined in holy matrimony? You might as well lay it out on the table right now... Anyone? Anyone?

Edward Hargreave:
I think it's safe to continue!

Jack Holden:
Oh is that your hand back there? One, two, three, four, FIFTH from the left! Oh, I'm sorry! That's your hat!

Edward Hargreave:
Can we get on with it!

Jack Holden:
Where are they getting these hats from? Just think a piece of millinery almost kept you from getting married.

Jack Holden:
[disguised as the vicar] Today, we join in holy matrimony, Edward and... oh no... oh dear.

Edward Hargreave:
[prompting the vicar] Sylvia.

Jack Holden:
Oh yes. Today, we join in holy matrimony Ed and Sylvia... I knew a Slyvia once... no... she's dead... [to Sylvia] that's not you.

Jack Holden:
[Edward is helping Sylvia pull her veil from her face] Oh what a beautiful bride. You know it's not too late... you can always change your mind... I'm available.

Peter Mitchell:
The primary school is...

Peter Mitchell, Michael Kellam, Jack Holden:
...the first watershed in a child's life.

Peter Mitchell:
Have I said that before?

Peter Mitchell:
Not in the last five minutes, Pete.

Jack Holden:
[arrives to Mary's school interview in a vampire costume] I'm doing a commercial for margarine. I'm Count Cholesterol.

Sylvia:
I know some of the children at this school and I know their parents. Family life is not easy. But of all the fathers, the step fathers, the half fathers that I've know, not one of them could love and support a child like these three men love Mary. There's nothing they wouldn't do for her. I just hope that there are other children who are as lucky as Mary is.

Michael Kellam:
[after Mary's penis comment at the restaurant] You're overreacting.

Peter Mitchell:
Yeah, what's a genital here and there?

Peter Mitchell:
Time to fish or cut bait.

Jack Holden:
Oh that's really romantic. Honey it's time to fish or cut bait.

Sylvia:
I'd like a man who sweeps a girl off her feet.

Jack Holden:
Kinda like I swept you off your feet.

Sylvia:
Knocked me off my feet is more like it.

Peter Mitchell:
[at the airport] Welcome, Mrs. Bennington.

Vera Bennington:
Oh, Michael.

Peter Mitchell:
Peter.

Michael Kellam:
[Mrs. Bennington has just arrived] Couldn't you stay a little longer, Vera?

Peter Mitchell:
I tried to change her mind.

Jack Holden:
Did someone open a window in here? Burrr!

Sylvia:
If you think about it, if Mary and I hadn't moved in a taken up a part of your live, you'd all be in very different situations right now.

Michael Kellam:
We'd be married.

Peter Mitchell:
We'd be divorced! You've saved us a fortune.

Edward Hargreave:
[recovered from the punch Peter gave him] Forgive me for bringing up a sticky point, but we are married.

Sylvia:
Oh, God, he's right.

Jack Holden:
[as the vicar running down the aisle] I beg to differ with you young man. But the ceremony is not officially over.

Edward Hargreave:
Shut up, you old fool!

Jack Holden:
Oh! He called me an old fool! I can hardly believe my ears! [he pulls at his ears and pulls them off]

Miss Elspeth Lomax:
[Peter is looking thoughtfully out of the window at a building] I'm sure that's nothing compared to some of your other marvellous erections!

Jack Holden:
[Peter, Sylvia, and Michael want Jack to be on time to the school interview] Have I ever let you down before? [everyone looks at him as if to say, "yes"]

Peter Mitchell:
[seeing a knight] Ah, a medieval version of permanent press.

Barrow, Edward's Butler:
The water closet is in here.

Stagehand:
[yelling through a megaphone at Jack who is on the phone dressed with a fruit headress] Hey, fruit of the loom! You're on.

Vicar Hewitt:
[just married Peter and Sylvia] You may now kiss the bride, again.

Barrow, Edward's Butler:
More news from the vicarage: they're sending a replacement.

Vera Bennington:
Ah! There you are. You can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a vicar.

Michael Kellam:
[Peter, Michael, and Jack are discussing potential suitors for Sylvia] What about Edward?

Peter Mitchell:
He's English.

Michael Kellam:
So is Sylvia!

Jack Holden:
Oh, no, that's an actor/director thing. They never last.

Vera Bennington:
I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.

Jack Holden:
Aw gee... so soon. [Peter and Michael also feign disappointment]