40 Days and 40 Nights

Matt:
Hey, have you ever noticed the crack on my ceiling?

Ryan:
Dude, you're action-packed with issues.

Erica:
If I told you, "Don't think about the color red", what would you think about?

Matt:
Sex.

Nicole:
Hey, Bagel Guy.

The Bagel Guy:
You know my name?

Matt:
You stupid, stupid... silly little person.

Ryan:
[upon learning Matt's given up sex for Lent] One - you can't do it. It's j... This isn't a personal attack towards you, I'm just saying that no man can do it. It goes against nature. The male was biologically designed to spread his seed, Matt. You're gonna piss off the seeds, man! You're gonna... It goes against science! You wanna be the guy who goes against science?

Matt:
[patiently] And two?

Ryan:
Two - are you out of your f***ing mind? You're the guy who can't finish a sandwich! You think you can go 40 days? Four... Do... This isn't normal. Did your brother put you up to this or something?

Matt:
No. You know what? He's about as supportive as you are. And what do you care, anyway? This doesn't affect you in any way.

Ryan:
You... This affects everyone.

Matt:
You gotta help me. You gotta light a candle for me or something.

John Sullivan:
I'm not lighting a candle so you can feel better about getting laid!

Matt:
Listen, isn't part of the priestly thing giving relationship advice?

John Sullivan:
Relationship advice, yes - sex advice, no. Part of the priestly thing - and stop calling it that - is not to have sex, remember?

Matt:
Now, it's funny - I didn't say a thing about sex.

John Sullivan:
Sure you did.

Matt:
No, I didn't. I guess thinking about sex *is* part of the priestly thing - at least for some.

John Sullivan:
Get out.

Matt:
Fine.

[to Matt on why he should tell Erica about his vow]

Ryan:
Dude, you got to tell her. Seriously. You can pass off two dates without a kiss as old fashioned - you go three and you're a homo.

[Ryan finds his porn stash that Matt hid in a basket]

Ryan:
Do you know how many hours I spent looking for my "Temple of Poon" tape. One. That is a long time to be looking for porn, Matt. What the f*** is going on here?

Susie:
[after Matt badly fakes an orgasm] What the f*** was that?

Matt:
W-what?

Susie:
Did you cum?

Matt:
Yeah.

Susie:
No you didn't. You faked it.

Matt:
No, no, no. What're you... Guys don't fake it. I don't even think that we can.

Susie:
You faked it.

Ryan:
Look, Matt, I know you're still trying to work out your Nicole issues with the big black hole, but trust me, trust me...

Matt:
I don't have any Nicole issues.

Ryan:
...you... [Ryan picks up an old picture of Matt and Nicole] 'Hi, I'm one of the many pictures of Nicole that infest Ryan and Matt's apartment after six months.' And she's hot, Matt, I don't mind looking at her. I'm just saying you have issues.

Duncan:
Matt, look at yourself. Your life is sh*t. You're hiding out in a f***in' storage room.

Bagel Guy:
Yeah. Fire in the hole.

Jerry Anderson:
I've jerked off three times since lunch. I still got this f***ing hard-on.

Mikey:
Way to go, Mr. Anderson. Two more and you break the company record.

Matt:
[suffering through his 40th day of sexual abstinence] I almost f***ed an outlet today.

Ryan:
So you're not into her?

Matt:
Oh, I'm totally into her.

Ryan:
So how can you not want to f*** her?

Candy:
[describing the typical sexuality of men] They're like animals. Their entire lives revolve around their penises.

Mandy:
[Mandy describes to Matt the importance of women's power of abstinence] Women have been doing this since, well, forever, so we know all about the power. See, us having the power, that's part of the system, and by you taking the power, you're f***ing with the system. And I think you see why we can't let that happen.

Ryan:
This is a photocopy of Candy's ass?

Matt:
Yup.

Ryan:
You're gonna call her, right? [gets no reply, returns to the picture] Obviously, you're gonna call her.

Duncan:
She says to me "You look like Lionel Ritchie."

Neil:
Well, that's great, isn't it?

Duncan:
No. That's not great. That's not good.

Matt:
Everything was going great until you had to... I stopped having sex, I'm totally falling for Erica, and I'm finally over Nicole

Ryan:
[doubting] You really think you're over her?

Matt:
F*** yeah! B*tch.

[in the toilet, Matt discovers Jerry is in the next booth masturbating]

Matt:
Jerry?

Jerry Anderson:
Uh, Jerry's not here right now. May I take a message?

Walter Sullivan:
They're grown men. I mean, they're old enough to know that their mother's machine is still running hot.

Bagel Guy:
[Unaware he's talking to Matt about his former girlfriend] Whew, I can't believe it because that girl, you can't even look right at her. She's so hot you need one of those cardboard eclipse-watching things just to look directly at her, she's so radiantly hot! It makes me want to just throw her down, you know, and just [hip-thrusts the table before him] . You know what I mean? I'm glad we can connect on that.

Erica:
Don't you ever feel like you just keep meeting the same exact people over and over? You know, like people that went to *this* kind of college and...

Matt:
And now in *that* kind of job, right?

Erica:
Yeah. I wanna have a party with a list on my door of all my friends and friends of friends, and if you're on that list, or know somebody on that list, then you cannot come in.

Matt:
How do you know I am not on that list?

Erica:
Nobody on that list would have talked to me like you did last week. Or *not* talked to me.

Erica:
It's been really fun almost chatting with you. Same time next week?

Ryan:
[Giving sex advice to Matt] All right, all right, all right. Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna strap a helmet on Big John, put him in the game, and he will play his little heart out, okay? He'll put up big numbers for you. You're gonna forget about the cracks in the ceiling, forget about Nicole. Go out and give your star player the support he needs. Right?

Erica:
[On her job as a Cyber Nanny] Some days I think that if I have to look at another blowj*b I'll scream.

Andie:
I mean, he used to be kinda cute but now he's just twitchy.

Chris:
If you want to get laid you take a chick to a fancy restaurant, but if you really like her you take her to your secret place.

Nicole:
You never think about me anymore? Not even just a little?

Matt:
Let me put it this way: I have thought about you - about us - a lot, but tonight, when you came in, was the first time I didn't get all f***ed up about it.

Nicole:
[as she's getting thrown out of Matt's apartment] Matt, I am... so mad that I have... I have to tell you. Watching you standing up for yourself like this has never made me so... so... hot. I *like* this. Where have *you* been? You can slam that door in my face if you want, but I'll just be on the other side, even hotter. Holy Hell! Slam that door in my dirty, bad, bad face. Oh, God, Matt, slam it! [slam]

Ryan:
[Ryan enters Matt's bedroom wearing rubber gloves and carrying a portable ultraviolet light] Surprise inspection.

Matt:
What the hell's that thing?

Ryan:
It's a special light that allows me to see if any fluids have been liberated. [Examines Matt's bed, finds nothing] Keep up the good work.

Matt:
[bursting into his brother's chamber] You gotta help me!

John Sullivan:
You gotta knock!

Matt:
I'm seeing things! I swear to God, everywhere I look I'm seeing tits and ass. When I came in here, I swear to God, I thought I saw you kissing a nun. Oh, my God! You *were* kissing a nun!

Matt:
Yesterday, I was fine. I mean, physically speaking, I was fine. But today? I'm not fine. This morning at the coffee shop they were unofficially sponsoring Hot Women Wearing No Bras Day.

Sam:
Hey, put that away. Books get you in trouble around here.

Erica:
I can't work right now.

Sam:
So go home.

Erica:
I need the money.

Sam:
So work.

Matt:
[Tripping out on his 40th day of sexual abstinence, Matt wistfully rubs his thumb over the breasts of a Mrs. Butterworth syrup bottle] She's filled with Heavenly sweetness.

Ryan:
[taking the bottle away] I somehow don't think *Mr.* Butterworth would appreciate that very much.

Sam:
[Scene opens after Erica has told Sam about her date the night before, during which she experienced an orgasm though she wasn't touched] From a Flower? Like a vibrating flower?