50 First Dates

Henry Roth:
Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?

Henry Roth:
I have no life.

Henry Roth:
Sorry I'm not better looking.

Henry Roth:
Sh*t your pants? So did I.

Henry Roth:
Hey, Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that.

Lucy Whitmore:
Can I have one last first kiss?

Lucy Whitmore:
[repeated line] There's nothing like a first kiss..

Ula:
[to his children] You kids suck; you're good at everything!

Ula:
My shirt size is medium husky.

Ula:
Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts.

Ula:
Your golf ball hit the cart, bounced back and hit you in the head. It was freakin' hilarious.

Ula:
[after getting beat up with a bat by Lucy] Oh, you crazy b*tch!

Ula:
[Pretending to be Lucy for the video] Aquariums make me super horny.

Ula:
Get your brother out of the dishwasher!

Ula:
You got a cat? 'Cause I feel somethin' lickin' me.

Ten-Second Tom:
[repeated line] Hi, I'm Tom!

Ten-Second Tom:
Don't you think you're a little old to still be having wet dreams? (laughter) Hi, I'm Tom!

Old Hawaiian Man:
Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.

Old Hawaiian Man:
[About Henry's drawing on a napkin] Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with.

Alexa:
[After an aborted one-night stand with a woman] I guess I prefer sausage to taco.

Security Guard 1:
Hey Lucy, good to see you again!

[Lucy walks by quietly]

Security Guard 1:
What the heck's her problem?

Security Guard 2:
She doesn't remember who you are, bro.

Security Guard 1:
Oh yeah. I suck at this job!

Lucy:
[to Henry] I hardly know you.

Marlin:
Actually sweetie, you're kind of dating him.

[Lucy looks at Henry]

Henry:
Yeah. Sorry I'm not better looking.

Doug:
Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.

Henry:
That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.

Doug:
I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?

Henry:
Um, I guess.

Marlin:
Doug!

Kid:
What's wrong with that turtle?

Henry:
He has lung problems because he smoked too much turtle weed, which is bad for you. Right, Ula-la?

Ula:
What? I don't smoke weed!

[While playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]

Ula:
You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?

Henry:
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Caddy:
I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.

Ula:
What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.

Caddy:
Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?

Ula:
A shark bit me.

Caddy:
Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!

Old Hawaiian Man:
That was pathetic.

Henry:
Yeah? Why don't you choke on your spam!

Nick:
What did Sue say?

Henry:
She said that if I talk to Lucy you'll kill me with a meat cleaver.

Dr. Keats:
Was your head shaped like an egg before she hit you?

Doug:
Hey! Don't make fun of Henry, all right? It'th not hith fault hith head'th thaped like that!

Dr. Keats:
Note the intense overreaction. That's the 'roids talking. Douglas, once again, off the juice.

Doug:
It'th not juice! It'th a protein shake!

[Henry sticks a tooth pick in Lucy's waffle house]

Henry:
Here, you should try this out. Put this here. Swivelly door. Waffleonians can come in and out now.

Lucy:
Oh, are you from a country where it's okay to stick your fingers all over someone else's food?

Henry:
Uh, no, I'm from this country. [pause] Were you gonna eat that?

[Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car, upsetting Lucy]

Henry:
Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!

Lucy:
My grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...

Henry:
Oh...I'm so sorry...I was just joking around.

Lucy:
I can't believe you fell for THAT! HA HA!

Update Video:
Red Sox win series!... Just kidding.

Update Video:
Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!... Not kidding.

Dr. Keats:
Tom lost part of his brain in a hunting accident. His memory only lasts ten seconds.

Ten Second Tom:
I was in an accident? That's terrible.

Dr. Keats:
Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds.

Ten Second Tom:
Get over it? I mean, what happened? Did I get shot in the brain... Hi. I'm Tom.

Henry:
[begging Marlin to let Henry see Lucy and apologize after she ate at the diner] I don't want it to end like this.

Doug:
Yeah, well, it's gonna end like this!

[Doug runs to beat up Henry but then Henry holds him down]

Henry:
Calm down, little fella!

Doug:
Okay I'm calm!

[pause]

Doug:
I coulda whooped his ass, Daddy but this gravel - I swipped on it and fell.

Marlin:
Then maybe you need to do a little bit more butt flexes.

Doug:
Cheap shot, Dad.

Henry:
I don't think that's an option, Lisa.

Linda:
Linda.

Henry:
I know. I changed your name for your protection.

Nick:
Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups!

Henry:
Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-In-One-Punch!

Lucy:
Wonder what's the matter with him.

Old Hawaiian Man:
Looks like a stupid a**hole to me.

Kid:
Daddy, what's a nympho?

Ula:
Uh, the nympho is the state bird of Ohio.

Kids:
Ohhh.

Henry:
[to Ula] You're the state idiot of Hawaii.

[Henry has just said "I Do" in his commitment to Lucy on the tape.]

Ula:
Really? Even though in like 10-15 years, she could like posssibly lets herself go and then like sex could like be nauseating for you.

Henry:
What are you, nuts? Your wife's right over there.

[Ula faces his insulted, obese wife, whom flips him off in retaliation.]

Ula:
I'm just kidding, Mumu.

[After Lucy beat up Ula with a bat]

Ula:
Oh, you crazy b*tch!

Lucy:
Yeah, KEEP RUNNING!