A Big Hand for the Little Lady

Jesse Buford:
That's a bargain all right, but a bargain ain't a bargain unless it's something you need.

Sam Rhine, Hotel Owner:
I'm not in the thinking business.

Sparrow the Stagedriver:
I wouldn't play poker with Henry Drummond if his back was to a mirror! Even if I had the money!

Sam Rhine, Hotel Owner:
How is he?

Toby, Barfly:
The Doc wants the shutter that used to carry drunks out.

Henry Drummond:
My daughter, Celie, was getting married.

Jesse Buford:
Celie?

Henry Drummond:
That's right! When Tropp come for me, she was in the middle of getting married. And they're holding up the "love, honor and obey" part until I get back.

Dennis Wilcox:
You mean you walked out in the middle of the wedding?

Henry Drummond:
I did! I ain't been late for the (poker) game in sixteen years and I ain't about to start now... wedding or no wedding.

Dennis Wilcox:
Now look, mister, the first rule of the game of poker, whether you're playing eastern or western rules, or the kind they play at the North Pole, is put up or shut up!

[upon being offered a poker hand as collateral]

C.P. Ballinger, Banker:
Forty-six years ago, I started lending money in Larry Bingham's back room. My first customer was a drover named Penny. He wanted two dollars on a Brindle cow at six percent interest. He said she gave six quarts of milk a day. You know what I made him do? I made him move that cow into my back yard for a whole week. And I watched him milk her every day. Sure enough, she gave an average of six and a half quarts a day, so I gave him the money at six and half percent interest. Not only that, I kept the 60 pounds of manure she left behind. When you show me collateral, madam, you better make sure it's good collateral. For forty-six years, I've been lending money on good, old-fashioned principles. I stand here now to tell you one and all that I've never been offered a better piece of collateral that I hold in my hand now!

Benson Tropp:
Any man gets himself married is automatically stupid. Denny's just refusing to stay stupid. He just don't ever see his wife.

Otto Habershaw:
Words of wisdom from the confirmed bachelor.

Benson Tropp:
Confirmed and reconfirmed. I hate women.

Otto Habershaw:
I believe you. You've buried enough of them.

Benson Tropp:
Sure I did. I put them back where they belong.

Henry Drummond:
Let's play cards.

Harry Tate:
[referring to Tropp] Don't he give a damn what people think, him ridin' around the country in a hearse?

Doc Joseph Scully:
If you're the richest undertaker in Texas, you're entitled to a fancy rig, but if you spend your days and nights trying to keep people alive, you ride around in the likes of this. [he shakes the reins of his carriage] Giddy-up!

Henry Drummond:
Now then, why is Celie marrying you?

Arthur McKenzie:
Because she love...

Henry Drummond:
[cutting him off] Because she's homely as a lemon and just as sneaky as her old lady, and every man sets foot in this house needs just one look to figure it ain't worth 40,000 acres and a soft spot for the rest of his life. [looking at Arthur for a reaction] Is that what you were going to say?

Arthur McKenzie:
[after a thoughtful pause] Yes, sir.

Henry Drummond:
Arthur, I want you to light out of that window right there... and shimmy down the rain pipe and get on my horse and get the hell and gone away from us and your old man as far as you can get... [he gives him money]... and don't waste any time, Arthur. There's a whole world waitin' for you out there. Good places and bad places... nice people and some not so nice. Look them all over, Arthur. Bide your time and maybe somewhere, someplace, you'll find a real woman. A good woman... Now get! [they shake hands]

Mary Meredith:
Gentleman all. All such gallant gentlemen.

Henry Drummond:
Yeah, we're gallant on Sunday. This is Friday, and we're playing poker. Now, you wanna play with us, you ante up $500.

C.P. Ballinger, Banker:
So it was a joke, wasn't it? I came over to see for myself.

Otto Habershaw:
It was no joke.

C.P. Ballinger, Banker:
Then what's so funny?

Benson Tropp:
It ain't funny, C.P.

C.P. Ballinger, Banker:
Don't tell me.

Henry Drummond:
What'd you do, sleep in that dress?

Mrs. Drummond:
Henry, we've got a lot to do.

Henry Drummond:
You got nothing to do till I tell you.

Jackie Meredith:
Doc. Doc, they're playing.

Doc Joseph Scully:
So am I, my boy. So am I.

C.P. Ballinger, Banker:
C P Ballinger is the kind of man who can't tolarate liqour, cards or woman reading from right to left.