A Bit of a Do

[recurring line]

Alec the Barman:
Can do. No problem. Tickety-boo.

Liz Rodenhurst:
I must say, Rita, it wasn't exactly tactful to come tonight.

Rita Simcock:
That's why I came.

Liz Rodenhurst:
How nasty.

Rita Simcock:
I'd hardly describe it as nice to steal my husband and have his baby.

Liz Rodenhurst:
I wouldn't exactly describe taking things that turn up on one's doorstep as "stealing".

Rita Simcock:
I feel that events have forced us to become enemies. What a pity we couldn't have got to know each other better under happier circumstances. Then we could have been enemies of our own free will.

Simon:
[sneering] How's our philosophy graduate enjoying life among the frozen poultry?

Elvis:
If you weren't my brother's wife's brother, I'd make my highly desirable manual extremity extremely convenient for your spatious breathing and blowing organ.

Simon:
Pardon?

Elvis:
I'd punch you on the nose. I was using estate agent-ese.

[earlier in the day, Liz, Simon's mother, made a pass at Elvis, but he was not remotely interested]

Lucinda Snellmarsh:
It all looks to be working out really well for us. If only we could get Simon's mother fixed up with some suitable man, life would be perfect.

Elvis Simcock:
Yes, I suppose if she's lonely she might intrude rather embarrassingly on your yuppie bliss. Some suitable man? What sort of suitable man?

Simon Rodenhurst:
I dunno. Just someone I'd be happy seeing Mother with, I suppose.

[Elvis grins]

Elvis Simcock:
[gleefully] It's almost worth it - to see your face!

[last lines:
Betty and Rodney are both very drunk at the wedding]

Rodney Sillitoe:
[making a speech] We have a message for you all.

Betty Sillitoe, Rodney Sillitoe:
We hope you all live happily ever after.

[applause]

Betty Sillitoe:
[mutters to Rodney] But I'm not taking any bets on it.

Rita Simcock:
How would you like it if you were described as an ex-company-director, five foot nine, with greying black hair, bloodshot eyes, vital statistics 29-36-5-31!

Ted Simcock:
What's the five?

Rita Simcock:
What do you think?

Ted Simcock:
Rita! I mean... that's extremely personal and very insulting... and inaccurate. I mean... really!

Jenny Simcock:
They won't let Paul in without a tie.

Laurence Rodenhurst:
I've got a Dental Association tie in my car - if he has no rooted objection to maroon.

Jenny Simcock:
The nastier the better. He won't care if it's got four crossed molars on a ruptured abscess.

Laurence Rodenhurst:
Paul, sometimes a woman needs to be alone.

Paul Simcock:
Not Jenny. Our marriage is a "totality of shared experience".

Laurence Rodenhurst:
[mutters] Berk!

[Elvis is working as wine waiter]

Simon:
Waiter!

Elvis:
Yes, sir.

Simon:
Elvis?

Elvis:
Simon?

Simon:
Good Lord. Ah, this is my sister's husband's brother. Sorry, must be a bit embarrassing for you.

Elvis:
No, not really. Though you might try something a little more polite than yelling "Waiter!".

Simon:
What's rude about that?

Elvis:
Well, how would you like it if I popped into your office and yelled "Estate agent!"?

Simon:
That's different.

Elvis:
Yeah - you're a member of a profession and I'm only a waiter.

Simon:
I think you're rather forgetting your position, Elvis.

Elvis:
I *was* speaking as your sister's husband's brother. Speaking as a waiter...

Elvis:
[obsequiously] What can I get you, sir?

[Elvis is working as a wine waiter and has just delivered drinks to Simon and his friends]

Simon:
So, Elvis, are you finding your *three years* as a philosophy graduate helpful in your job?

Elvis:
Incredibly.

Simon:
Oh, good, good. You don't feel that the taxpayers' money has been poured down the drain, then?

Elvis:
Money, money, money! I hear the heart of an estate agent beating like a till. In my brief spell as a waiter, Simon, I have learned the answer to a question that has exercised philosophers down the ages.

Simon:
What question?

Elvis:
Is the external world real or is it just a figment of the imagination? Do you exist outside my mind? I now know that you do.

Simon:
How?

Elvis:
[snarls] Because I wouldn't have wasted my time inventing anyone as *futile* as you!

Simon:
[snarls] Ditto... with knobs on!

Elvis:
Precisely. Case proven.

[pause]

Elvis:
[obsequiously] That'll be ?9.46, sir. Call it ?10 for cash.

Elvis:
It's our Paul - he's been arrested!

Ted Simcock:
Arrested? What for?

Elvis:
There's been a big demonstration. He threw an egg at the Prime Minister.

Rita Simcock:
Did it hit?

Jenny Simcock:
Was it free range?

Neville Badger:
Was it infected with salmonella?

Jenny Simcock:
Hello, Mum. Hello, Neville.

Liz Rodenhurst:
Hello.

Jenny Simcock:
I've something to... Earlier, Mum, you said you hoped I'd find somebody soon.

Liz Rodenhurst:
Yes.

Jenny Simcock:
Well I have.

Neville Badger:
That *was* soon!

Jenny Simcock:
Yes. You said you hoped he'd be nice. He *is* nice.

Liz Rodenhurst, Neville Badger:
That's nice.

Jenny Simcock:
You said you hoped he'd be of my... I can hardly use the word - I find the concept so distasteful... class.

Liz Rodenhurst:
Well I did.

Jenny Simcock:
[sheepishly] I'm afraid he may disappoint your hopes pretty considerably in one particular respect. I'm afraid he fails - utterly and totally fails - the criterion of... oh Lord!... of not being a Simcock.

[stunned silence]

Liz Rodenhurst:
[shrieks] Elvis?

Lucinda:
Simon wants to know if you can get the ring road plan scrapped, Rita.

Rita Simcock:
Tell him, no, I can't get it scrapped.

Lucinda:
No, she can't get it scrapped.

Simon:
Damn!

Lucinda:
Damn!

Ted Simcock:
Thank you, Simon.

Simon:
What on earth for?

Ted Simcock:
Because every time I meet you, I get to thinking my two aren't such berks after all.

Jenny Simcock:
Don't start to give *me* moral lectures, Simon. Are you and Lucinda so morally pure yourselves?

Lucinda, Simon:
[smugly] Yes.

Elvis:
[reprovingly] Simon?

Lucinda:
Apart from Simon's isolated lapse - which he's told me all about and I've forgiven.

Jenny Simcock:
And no lapses at all in your past, Lucinda?

Lucinda:
Unfashionably for this day and age, no. In eighty-seven days' time, Simon will be the first person in the world to know my body.

Simon:
We *were* planning to invite you both.

Elvis:
I'll watch with interest. I may even be able to give you a tip or two!